What to do next - dating an old crush while being separated

[cainsim74]

I've been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an "appearance" date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn't be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It's over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we'd hang out when I got back.

 

A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She's a perfectionist and it's quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She's 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad's house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.

 

Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my "situation" and I told her that we weren't' trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson's life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn't really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we'd call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other's arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.

 

So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels "right" when we're together. I've even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple.

 

We didn't talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying "I hope this isn't bad to say but I'm kinda missing you". I didn't receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the "only" problem and if it wasn't for this, we'd be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be "NO feelings at all" from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn't for me being married, we'd be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn't ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: "You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night". I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.

 

She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I'm often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said "thanks for hanging out, we'll talk soon". My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she's only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn't want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven't heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren't at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn't strange we haven't spoken since then but I'm getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she's having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it's dropped out - it doesn't feel right.

 

I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can't get closer until I'm divorced but I've got a knot the size of Texas that's saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I've resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she'll contact me before I break down and call her. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm a needy or suffocating guy and I'm afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.

 

I don't know what's the best way to proceed at this point and I'm worried about screwing this up if I haven't already.

[pl3asehelp]

I think it's a huge red flag that she's willing to get involved with someone who isn't divorced. I almost threw up when I read that she wanted to to stay 'friends' while you are sill married and trying to work things out with your wife. Obviously, she's influenced your point of view and effort you put into fixing your marriage. Then her way over the top inappropriately big reaction to you telling you you miss her - i mean come on, you guys have slept in the same bed and she's going to pretend to get freaked out that you tell her you miss her?

 

I think she has really, really bad judgment.

[cainsim74]

I'm not sure if you read my post right. First of all we've known each other for 9 years and have been friends the entire time. We were friends long before I got married. Also, she hasn't influenced me at all in working things out with my wife. My wife and I's problems were entirely our own and she hasn't not influenced my point of view or my efforts in trying to work things out. Also, her whole point is that she can't move forward BECAUSE I am married and we can't be involved because of this.

[cainsim74]

So basically, it looks like asking to stay the night was the deal killer. I finally got a text from her 4 days later saying "

I'm sorry, things are weird now. I should have never let you come over when **** is home. It's my #1 of being a mom. Never, ever will a guy be at our home when she is home. This is her safe place, and that means no over night guests unless I have prepared her for it. That situation made me realize that I need to take things waaaaaay slow. And maybe I'm still not ready to let another person into our lives".

 

I apologized and said totally understood told her I was going to ask her if I should leave her alone. and that I felt like I crossed the line. She said we would call me on Wednesday night and said "We are cool, I promise. Lets just chill for a minute and kind of start over"

 

She never called and by midnight, I just said I was going to make myself scarce. All she said in the morning was "I was already asleep".

 

So with that, it's a big F*** the whole thing she won't hear from me again. I can't see for the life of me why people like dating. It's never meant anything to me except waste time and money so you can feel like $#%^.

[abitbroken]

I'm not sure if you read my post right. First of all we've known each other for 9 years and have been friends the entire time. We were friends long before I got married. Also, she hasn't influenced me at all in working things out with my wife. My wife and I's problems were entirely our own and she hasn't not influenced my point of view or my efforts in trying to work things out. Also, her whole point is that she can't move forward BECAUSE I am married and we can't be involved because of this.

 

Yes, but you are only 6 months into a separation. She initially cancelled because she found out you might be reconciling. You should have accepted that and got back with her if you did end up getting a divorce down the road. Instead, you pursued. She has been an influence in getting back with your wife because you have Ann as a carrot. I think, speaking as a divorced person myself, you should just focus on healing and whatever your marriage brings - reconcilation, divorce, a long seperation that ends in figuring out your differences - whatever it is. You may not talk now, but your marriage is not over until you are divorced for real. Ann is very smart not to intro to you to her daughter or get involved.

 

Do Ann, yourself and the next woman if you don't end up Ann a favor and work through your stuff. Whatever your role in the break down of your marriage was is something you need to work through personally so you don't jump into the same mistakes.

 

Ann may or may not be interested after you divorce - this is your time to heal and figure out who you are, not to focus on getting with a woman.

[abitbroken]

. I can't see for the life of me why people like dating. It's never meant anything to me except waste time and money so you can feel like $#%^.

 

You ARE NOT DATING her. You are a married man and she told you plainly that the marriage was in the way of you two. She has nothing to say to you right now, as she won't date a married man. She is not going to lead you on "date you but say you are just friends" and play those games. Just like 20 year old guy telling a 17 year old girl to call him back when she is 18 but for now "bye" or someone having another stipulation.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Abit. You are married and you should focus on getting a divorce and not dating an old crush. I also think it is not healthy for you to jump from one woman to another. It is not like you cannot control yourself.

 

I would bet she had a bad experience with one of her mom's boyfriends. It was illogical to break her number one rule. It was a pretty easy one to follow so I suspect it was your neediness at work.

[cainsim74]

The only reason I felt comfortable going over to her house that night was, twice that week she thought I was in town and kept asking "are you stopping by" and those were nights she had her daughter. Also, she's invited me to her house a few times when her daughter was over so I assumed this one time, when I was in town, I could stop by. Now, stopping by is different than spending the night and I get that and respect that to the upmost and would honor that religiously from here on out. It has to be noted too that she said to stop by the store and get some wine and we partied a bit which was the main reason I asked so I didn't drive under the influence. I do feel I could be give a bit of forgiveness for that - especially after apologizing at least 3 times.

 

As far as slowing things down. I've I feel like I HAVE been moving pretty slow except for the one text I sent. Now her, I would say no not in any shape or form. She verbally says that, but let's recap the facts.

 

1. She asked me out on a date.

2. When she asked me out on the date, she said to call her to hang out as well anytime and invited me over to her house to hang out (while her daughter was there) that friday.

3. Before Xmas, she kept talking about going on trips with her and even going to stay at a beach house with her and her daughter.

4. When I got back from Xmas, she again, approached me first and kept asking about my "situation" with my wife.

5. More talks about going on a trip together, in fact, one trip would be our "divorce celebration" trip

6. She invites me to a show and says if I show up, it will be her b-day present.

7. When we hang out at her house and I leave, she calls me and has be come back and let's me sleep with her and make out.

8. after the show, we hang out again, second night in a row and I sleep over again, more make out sessions

9. The next morning, she texts me and says how much fun she had.

10. She texts me and says "you make me smile, I'm into you for sure"

11. Asks repeatedly, if I'm coming over to see her.

12. Tells me the marriage is the ONLY obstacle and if it wasn't for that, we'd be together and said "We'd have been ****ing all over this damn house by now if you weren't married"

13. Keeps telling me all the ways we might be compatible.

14 Asks me questions like "am I too young for you"

15. She tells me how her best friends were telling her we would be good for each other and that they NEVER say that about any guy.

 

So aside from my text saying "I was kinda missing her" and asking if I could stay the night, that's really all the "rushing" and pushing things that I've done. I've been trying to actually move pretty slow and I've said that many, many times.

 

I really was fine being on my own, working on myself, working through what I've been through in the last few years. I've been doing a lot of counseling to work on areas where I feel I went wrong in my marriage. I had no desire to date unless it was something exceptional and I mean EXCEPTIONAL.

 

I really do feel like the worst thing I could do is contact her at this point. If she contacts me that would be great but I feel like I'm being treated almost with a high degree of disdain right now for asking to spend the night and really don't feel like it's fair. I've apologized 3 times over text and she won't reply to any of them and never said she would try to call me back to talk like she planned on Wed and didn't even apologize. It feels almost hateful and we have so many mutual friends it's going to be completely awkward and I don't know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there.

[cainsim74]

oops - duplicate. apologies

[cainsim74]

So more developments on that. I finally got a reply from her and I feel like a complete *** and I'm still completely confused. She replied with a long text saying she had a completely horrible week and he hasn't even spoken to anyone for at least a week. Her daughter got very sick and this time of year is the anniversary of her step dad's death 2 years ago. She's still grieving deeply over his death as she and him were very close and she considered him to be his real father. I seem to remember in the last 2 years, she has had similar periods of seclusion and I should have taken this into account. She told me she wasn't in a good space to have our talk and to not take things so personally. I completely apologized again saying that I got consumed with the idea I ****** her off and that I was trying to get relief from the guilt and that I would back off and whatever happens, I still wanted to always be friends like we have been. She said thank you, promised we were cool and said she would call me soon to go out for a beer but couldn't put a time frame on it. That was exactly a week ago and there hasn't been any contact at all. The good thing is that I haven't felt the urge to call her.

 

On one hand I do feel like I can't be too hard on myself for being a bit neurotic about this as it was only 4 days before when she said she "was into me for sure", said the ONLY thing that was keeping us together was the fact that we were married, and that "we'd have been f***ing all over this damn house by now" and then total communication breakdown. On the other hand I'm pretty disgusted at myself for badgering her and my lack of "cool". My paranoid side is throwing out all sorts of scenarios from here on out - "She saw something in me that she didn't like and got second thoughts", "she's using this as an excuse to blow me off", "I won't hear from her again, and the next time I see her she will be indifferent and avoid me", "she likes some other guy"... My rational side is saying "keep waiting this out, keep work on yourself and prepare yourself for the worst". I really want to have a chance to ask her best friend what I should think, expect, do but I don't know if that would be wise either.

 

This is just agonizing and frustrating - I have a hard time believing she would give me this many signs and then retract all that just as quickly and pretend we didn't share anything.

[Justme3]

Just let it be. You should concentrate on your divorce and healing. It seems like there's more things going on with her than just you being married. Let her go and just concentrate on yourself.

[cainsim74]

yeah- about all I can do at this point. I'm so dreading about the only other dating option of internet dating. I've never experienced anything from internet dating and "blind" dates except wasted time, wasted money, and a kick in the teeth in the self esteem department. The only dating I've enjoyed and seemed worthwhile is when you already know the person, you've met them from similar friends and interests. The chances of finding someone that's going to like my lifestyle, my friends, and family at this age seems like a complete joke right now.

[Ms Darcy]

I do think that it is aa reasonable and rational thought that she is just not interested anymore and is using a bunch of excuses.

[Justme3]

You seem to be so caught up in this dating thing. You see online dating as a last resort etc. but you're still married! You're not gonna find a worthwhile person while you're in this predicament. And if you do, it's really not fair to her while you're in this predicament. Get divorced, get used to being divorced, start your new life, and then think about dating.

[cainsim74]

I'm about a month away from finalizing my divorce and I really don't think it's going to to me good to be sitting alone in an apartment thinking about my failed marriage day after day. I don't have any desire to contact Ann anymore and I can only let the chips fall where they may at this point. The last 2 long term relationships were with women that were insanely critical of me when I know I didn't deserve 90% of it. I know I'm I a good catch in about 20,000 ways and I'm not allowing myself to question that ever again or am I going to date women like that. I've been going to tons of therapy, meditating daily, exercising, reading a lot of positive self help books, and spending a lot of time working on all the things about me that I'm proud of. I'm spending every ounce of energy rebuilding and re-inventing myself. Part of this reinventing process is refusing to go back to being a shy guy around women, winding up being thrown in the 'friend zone', and not dating women that have problems with some of the biggest aspects of my life like not wanting to be around ANY of my friends, having problems with my family, ect. On that note too, I'm not going to pass up opportunities like this if they present myself - I still think in different circumstances we could have been good for each other and I'm going to carry myself this way regardless because I deserve to be with someone of her caliber or better. So yes, dating and relationships are going to be a big part of recovering from this marriage and I feel it's crucial to rebuilding myself.