How do I heal when we have kids?

[Supersarahp]

Thanks nook I hear what you are saying.

 

Or...... He could be gay!!! Haha sorry but my friend Adam keeps saying that to me - he is convinced of it. Said he thought C was gay the first time he met him! I have always said we are like opposites in that I am the man he is the woman - he always took 3 times as long as me to get ready to go out for example!

 

Hahah imagine that? I would actually love it! Very doubtful though I guess!

[nookbridge]

Thanks nook I hear what you are saying.

 

Or...... He could be gay!!! Haha sorry but my friend Adam keeps saying that to me - he is convinced of it. Said he thought C was gay the first time he met him! I have always said we are like opposites in that I am the man he is the woman - he always took 3 times as long as me to get ready to go out for example!

 

Hahah imagine that? I would actually love it! Very doubtful though I guess!

 

If he was gay, you would've figured it out by now. From 18 to 32, no? He would've came out OR you would've sniffed it out. And hey, I'm as masculine as they come, and I take a long time to get ready too, eh! Some guys actually care about how they look!

[Supersarahp]

I don't know Nook look at Michael Barrymore (English game show host) he was married with kids for years before he came out!

 

Hahah life is so bizarre sometimes isn't it? Who would have thought I would be sitting here debating with a virtual stranger whether or not my husband could be gay????

 

Nah I don't think he is gay really - just messing about. Would prefer it though - saves me dealing with a strong of silly cows in the future !!!

[Supersarahp]

String not Strong - bloody phone!

[nookbridge]

I don't know Nook look at Michael Barrymore (English game show host) he was married with kids for years before he came out!

 

Hahah life is so bizarre sometimes isn't it? Who would have thought I would be sitting here debating with a virtual stranger whether or not my husband could be gay????

 

Nah I don't think he is gay really - just messing about. Would prefer it though - saves me dealing with a strong of silly cows in the future !!!

 

I'm not British, but I think I remember hearing the story about him. You know what will be even more bizarre. When you don't give two s*its about your ex's orientation or anything else in a few months? Let the anger flow out... I wish I was as strong as you were! Damn women, so able to get deal with emotional pain in no time...

[Supersarahp]

I'm not British, but I think I remember hearing the story about him. You know what will be even more bizarre. When you don't give two s*its about your ex's orientation or anything else in a few months? Let the anger flow out... I wish I was as strong as you were! Damn women, so able to get deal with emotional pain in no time...

 

I think to be honest I did a lot of my grieving whilst my relationship was supposedly together! It is very early days for me so I am takin nothing for granted - one day at a time.

 

I feel a bit of a fraud that I am not more devastated to be honest. I feel like I should be wailing and gnashing my teeth all dressed in black or something - a woman scorned etc but I don't want to you know?

 

You get one shot at life Nook - it is far too short to waste it on someone who does not want you. I watched my good friend die of cancer last year ages 42. I watched my bro in law go from completely healthy to dead from a brain tumour within 6 months . Life is too too short to waste - I refuse to mope around him and I don't feel the need to. He hampered my life for far too long already.

 

Nook - it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for meeeeee....and I'm feeeeling goooood! Sing it with me! Lol

 

Sorry if that sounds really sanctimonious !!

[Supersarahp]

I'm not British, but I think I remember hearing the story about him. You know what will be even more bizarre. When you don't give two s*its about your ex's orientation or anything else in a few months? Let the anger flow out... I wish I was as strong as you were! Damn women, so able to get deal with emotional pain in no time...

 

Oh and I meant to say - you are right about saying I shouldn't care which way he swings - dead right.

[nookbridge]

I mean you should care, it's ok... it's like the same interest as who Hugh Grant is going out with, or whose engaged to Simon Cowell. Tabloid trash stuff. And yea, that's the difference. You were mentally checked out at a certain point, while I was still in love when I ended it. But still, you have human beings that you share responsibility for, and that mark lasts forever. I don't envy you... and you're not a fraud. You would be a fraud if you convinced yourself of something that's not true. If he wanted you, he would've seized the day, no? But he doesn't so, so go find yourself someone that does - in due time, obviously...

[Supersarahp]

Ok so I am feeling a bit rubbish today. Not really down or anything just a little bit drained. I am still cool with C and I being finished - it's the right thing for both of us. What has started creeping into my mind is thoughts of the future (stupid over active imagination).

 

I was thinking about it today. Lets look at the facts . I am 33, overweight and have 3 small children - I can't even bloody drive. Not exactly a catch! I just can't see how I will ever have another relationship. I am not looking for a man right now of course but I just can't help looking to the future. I guess I am just have a moment of self pity - woe is me!!! It will pass I'm sure.

 

I was thinking about my boss at work (woman). She is single, no kids , really attractive, really bubbly, 30. She has struggled to find a man. So what hope do I have?

 

I know I need to just focus on myself and the kids right now and not worry about these things. I know this post sounds terrible but it is how I am feeling.

 

I have a great family, friends etc. I have joined a slimming club to tackle the weight. Once I sort my finances properly I might learn to drive again. I guess I just need some things to look forward to. I know I have the kids which is brilliant but I hate living alone (as in no adult). I have never liked being by myself.

 

It's an adjustment I guess. The house is happier without C - it isn't him I miss its the company. I know that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship at all. I mean when he did live at home it was constant stress - we didn't interact much anyway. He watched his bloody wrestling on the computer with his headphones on and I watched the tv. I don't know why I feel lonely - but I do.

 

 

Bloody mood swings r us! Will no doubt be fine again tomorrow!

[Nattersmatter]

Ermmmmmm something else other than the kids??? See now that's a bit unfair because of the way I am feeling right now - there definitely are things. I can think or things but they are more about the way he isn't rather than the way he is - example my mum used to say "you are lucky with C really because he doesn't go off out drinking all the time like some men do" I guess analysing that now it is obvious it came from her own experiences with my dad but at the time I used to think yes he is a good husband.

 

I get what you're saying. What she said translates basically to, He could be worse so stop complaining (plus I had it worse than that and did nothing about it so why should you have it better yet think you should do something about it). Mums aren't very good at dealing with that sort of thing... They want their daughters to be happy and settled and it upsets them too much, hence they flood and try to make you cease voicing your complaints.

 

This is the thing, though: You didn't get with C because you thought he'd be the best of a bad bunch, aka "some men". MORE men are decent and meet the call of duty or go above and beyond it (despite you won't see them represented on a relationship problems forum like this one, obviously). Take heed FFR, Sarah: Don't endeavour to date too soon or you'll end up in that trap whereby a man only has to be a certain amount better than C and the fact there's any contrast will kid you into thinking he's the great thing since sliced bread... until you recover that bit more and find he's still not capable of cutting it (rebound jobbie). Wait until you naturally recalibrate back to full confidence and self-regard so that you'll end up with objectively impressive.

 

He always got me nice things on my birthday and brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. He was quite good with the housework - and did all the ironing all the time! He always told me he loved me and was not afraid of being affectionate. He used to make me laugh - I know (used to) he always complimented me on my looks - always and say I walked downstairs with no trouser on or something he would always comment appreciatively. Little things like that are nice.

 

Yes, they are (albeit they're nothing amazing per se when compared to your average decent and very loving/giving man). But consideration and regard have to be sincere whereby the direct benefit of a compliment is exclusively yours, with his coming later via the knock-on benefit to the relationship. And what proves these sincere is that once the man no longer has to keep you sweet, like is the case now, he doesn't cease, let alone reverse. (This is why the advice that to know the true fibre of a man you have to make an effort during the first x dates to notice how he treats people from or by whom he has ZERO to gain, e.g. your taxi drivers, waiters, bin men, builders and such.) He's not being considerate, respectful and aiming to please you *now*, is he; and he wasn't even *before* you cottoned on when you were still treating HIM well. Let's face it - you would have continued treating him well, even if he'd done the far more decent thing in sitting you down and telling you honestly and apologetically that for him the marriage itself was over. The reason you now feel you don't have to worry about making any effort with him is because you're aware not only that he's treating you shoddily but also the reasons why.

 

There are lots and lots and lots of bad things I can list as I may do in a big rant post later (even though it will seem horrible maybe it will help me to get it out) but there are good things.

 

My earlier point was, there HAD to have been good things in with the mainly bad, otherwise you'd not have tolerated him and the marriage for so long.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Hmmm Janine I don't think so. I know I know - could be etc but I really really would be surprised. Granted I have only known her for 2 1/2 years but she has become my best friend in that time. We have supported each other through the last few weeks - even longer I guess with one thing and another. I would be really upset if it was her.

 

Noted. xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I have to comment on this one, because this was a classic strategy my pops used to play. He had this tendency to openly seek sympathy, woe is me sentiment from the outside world to get people to feel bad about them. It really smells like it from far away. And it always seems that the affairs are from the people you would less expect - those closest to home. Imagine if you were to have an affair, would you put in a lot of work to find ANOTHER person (ie. get rejected by 20 people then find someone) or would you go to someone not too far away from your immediate circle - well, unless it's a hooker, and that also requires less work.

 

Very insightful, Nookster! Albeit in this internet era, finding a stranger is now almost as effort-free. So I wouldn't be surprised if the origin were either.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I don't know Nook look at Michael Barrymore (English game show host) he was married with kids for years before he came out!

 

Hahah life is so bizarre sometimes isn't it? Who would have thought I would be sitting here debating with a virtual stranger whether or not my husband could be gay????

 

Nah I don't think he is gay really - just messing about. Would prefer it though - saves me dealing with a strong of silly cows in the future !!!

 

You're right - when you stop and think about it, it's hilarious!!!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I'm not British, but I think I remember hearing the story about him. You know what will be even more bizarre. When you don't give two s*its about your ex's orientation or anything else in a few months? Let the anger flow out... I wish I was as strong as you were! Damn women, so able to get deal with emotional pain in no time...

 

It's (Nurture) because they're reasoned with, which encourages them to deal with their emotions using logic via their left hemisphere (whereas kids are born naturally more right-brained (Nature)). They HAVE to be reasoned with because - "Air, I say..!!" - it's not befitting for little girls to grow up to be ladies who go around "punching him/her one". Boys, on the other hand, are never taught and encouraged to deal full-stop or, where a conversation about their interpersonal clash is sort-of dealt with, it's more along the dismissive lines of 'aww, just whack him one' or 'ignore him (pretend you don't care)' - both of which still 'belong' in the right hemisphere, meaning emotions get dealt with emotionally.

 

..."an no' a lo' o' peopuw knaow dat" (- name the famous actor!).

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I think to be honest I did a lot of my grieving whilst my relationship was supposedly together! It is very early days for me so I am takin nothing for granted - one day at a time.

 

When you remember that grief is disappointment on a massive, massive scale - what with the constant everyday disappointments combined with those milestone disappointments you described - I imagine you did do a lot of detaching whilst still married, yes. I call it, them kicking the love out of you.

 

I feel a bit of a fraud that I am not more devastated to be honest. I feel like I should be wailing and gnashing my teeth all dressed in black or something - a woman scorned etc but I don't want to you know?

 

Don't feel fraudulent. It's your (what I call) emotional shutters having come down. It's self-preservation mechanism - particularly with those who have greater tolerance levels thus take far more of a 'kicking' and for longer, than others. By the time THEY have had enough, they've RUH-HUH-HUH-HEEEEEAALLY had enough. [CLANGGGGG!!!]

 

You get one shot at life Nook - it is far too short to waste it on someone who does not want you. I watched my good friend die of cancer last year ages 42. I watched my bro in law go from completely healthy to dead from a brain tumour within 6 months . Life is too too short to waste - I refuse to mope around him and I don't feel the need to. He hampered my life for far too long already. Nook - it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for meeeeee....and I'm feeeeling goooood! Sing it with me! Lol

 

Sorry if that sounds really sanctimonious !!

 

*Admiration*

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Ok so I am feeling a bit rubbish today. Not really down or anything just a little bit drained. I am still cool with C and I being finished - it's the right thing for both of us. What has started creeping into my mind is thoughts of the future (stupid over active imagination).

 

Natural and normal.

 

I was thinking about it today. Lets look at the facts . I am 33, overweight and have 3 small children - I can't even bloody drive. Not exactly a catch! I just can't see how I will ever have another relationship. I am not looking for a man right now of course but I just can't help looking to the future. I guess I am just have a moment of self pity - woe is me!!! It will pass I'm sure.

 

You are 33. Wish I was still 33. I was still getting offers a plenty aged 43. In fact, I got what turned out to be the best of all offers at 44. You may be older than you were 10 years ago, Sarah, but you're younger than you'll be in a decade from now. Plus you've been in stasis - brain otherwise engaged and diverted from its normal jobs, so, in fact, you're much younger and I'm sure you look it, too.

 

Three small children. Loads of men don't want their own kids or can't and would (and do) LOVE a ready-made family. Plus it proves you're fertile thus vital and that counts for a LOT where men finding themselves finding you attractive is concerned. Don't give into what is nothing but media brainwashing for the sake of greater youth aid sales.

 

You're overweight, THEY'RE overweight. Like goes for Like, especially starting with the most prevalent qualities. But I would bet serious money that all too soon, you'll be glad you started off overweight - means you won't end up a ruddy stick insect!... just nicely slimmer. PS: For every bad day you're having, give a cheer - because those are precisely the days on which the weight drops off - including the Brown Fat that's normally impossible to shift (inner thighs, hips, tummy, jaw). ("Every cloud...").

 

I was thinking about my boss at work (woman). She is single, no kids , really attractive, really bubbly, 30. She has struggled to find a man. So what hope do I have?

 

More. Because you're not a full-pelt career woman. Next question? ;-p

 

I know I need to just focus on myself and the kids right now and not worry about these things. I know this post sounds terrible but it is how I am feeling.

 

Yes, but you're just displacing and misattributing emotions again. Have you not noticed how much you do that?

 

I have a great family, friends etc. I have joined a slimming club to tackle the weight.

 

Okay, but be careful considering it'll drop off on its own as well.

 

Once I sort my finances properly I might learn to drive again. I guess I just need some things to look forward to. I know I have the kids which is brilliant but I hate living alone (as in no adult). I have never liked being by myself.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion that you displaced your discontentment onto your ability to learn to drive, as well, and that this time you'll find it surprisingly a whole lot easier. (You'll love the sense of power and freedom it brings, Sarah, you wait!)

 

It's an adjustment I guess.

 

Yes, that is AAAALLLL it is. And we've evolved to be superb at it.

 

The house is happier without C - it isn't him I miss its the company. I know that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship at all. I mean when he did live at home it was constant stress - we didn't interact much anyway. He watched his bloody wrestling on the computer with his headphones on and I watched the tv. I don't know why I feel lonely - but I do.

 

Because you're negatively imagining FUTURE loneliness and projecting it onto the now. Again, try not to look too far ahead; just take it one day or no more than a week at a time. Baby steps. Look after the babysteps and the enormous strides will take care of themselves.

 

Bloody mood swings r us! Will no doubt be fine again tomorrow!

 

Your hormones will be upset thanks to the stress hormones interfering, too, don't forget. (Ahem!) EPA capsules????

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I woke up early, thirsty, and came down to make a cuppa and just thought I'd have a re-read as I sipped it, when what you said re Janine hit me which in turn made a lot of other things you've said follow suit (click-click-clickety-click):

 

We have supported each other through the last few weeks [which you later amended to indicate it'd been a lot longer than that]

 

Yes. You have, haven't you. Here's what I'm thinking (I may, of course, be wrong):

 

Janine IS the culprit. She's the one you were on the phone to (amongst others) that time C reacted badly to the fact of the phonecall and whom it was to. That explains nicely why Mr Idiot has been able to play you, AS WELL AS has, I think, been reacting one way one minute then the opposite way the other minute, seemingly without anything directly from you to pose as his trigger or to go on. That also explains why he was extra-agitated: you're not only speaking to his mistress but, thereby, a woman in whose interests it OBVIOUSLY is going to be that you LEAVE him. C doesn't want that because, you see, HIS aim is NOT to leave you (aside from his emotional connection and duties with you) but to play you *and* Janine (so that he can forevermore have his cake and eat it). Mistresses who know the wife, always, ALWAYS agree to stay as mistress to the man's face but find highly devious ways behind his back of getting rid of the wife (usually getting her to get rid of herself by choice).

 

Not only that, but we still have it fitting with why Janine failed to take her overly logical, not to mention the ONLY well-mannered cue - in the form of being (you'd think) the odd one out - thus the BLEEDIN' OBVIOUS CHOICE - when it came to two couples wanting and expecting to have a (thanks to having kids) RARE night out - of speaking up and offering to be the one to stay behind. I mean, just how appropriate IS it that one half of one of the couples be the one to have to stay behind whilst the one person who's NOT a member of either of those couples gets to still go!? That one is SO against logic, not to mention against the behaviour of "a good friend" that it beggars belief (hence why my mind couldn't find anywhere to file it thus it sat there itching away in the foreground)!

 

It also explains why Janine didn't think 'Ew, no thanks!' at the idea of playing (you'd think) giant gooseberry to not one but two married couples, DESPITE doing so should be anathema to a woman who's only recently lost her own husband and marriage thus whom wouldn't (you'd think!) want happy coupledom shoved right under her still-grieving, still-discombobulated, still-triggerable-into-unhappiness nose (curioser and curioser!!!). And yet - in the preceding weeks SHE had been the one positively NAGGING you for that 'gang's night out'!!! Right?

 

Yet, C - who even long before this point had alleged he not just didn't like but despised Janine - not only (gosh, how odd!) agreed to her coming along with him and his wife and his best friend and bf's wife in the first place, but....

 

Cue you having offered to stay behind (because the obvious candidate hadn't) resulting (oddly!) in husband suddenly being bouncy.... bouncy DESPITE you were being snappy with him at the time (little wonder!)...or so he alleged. Cue, (I'm betting - ON RETURN) husband seeking to assuage the obvious GUILT he felt after the fact, by pointing out what "a cow" you'd been to him before they'd all left without you....including, possibly, even heavier guilt from the fact that he and Janine had got to play footsie or handsie under the table... or not EVEN under the table given that Jonathan is so obviously on his side when going by that NYE night debacle! I mean - where was C finding the thought of leaving his partner behind and 'coupling up' with a newly-divorced and single woman totally against his grain?! Given that Janine was YOUR friend and Janine was the one who'd pushed for the night out in the first place, where is C offering to be the one to stay behind?! And where is Janine - your alleged bestest friend - offering to stay behind WITH YOU (in the knowledge that a semi-cancellation was easily re-schedulable thus no big deal)?!!! I mean - surely Janine can SENSE that your husband at least doesn't like her????? Why the hell would a woman want to be alone and without you along for moral support with [1] a man who so dislikes her he even confesses to you that it goes as far as DESPISEMENT, meaning the vibe would be impossible to hide(!) and [2] that man's ally and ally's wife????? ERROR - DOES NOT COMPUTE!

 

Try to imagine it, Sarah. Try to imagine you're Janine and it's YOU behaving and failing to react like that rather than in the ways I've just described. Can you imagine - even where the husband LIKED you - you (via a giant cue-ignoring failure to act) OPTING to go out with your best woman friend's husband and his and your friend and his wife instead of graciously allowing her to take her - *her* - rightful place, thereby effectively *taking* her rightful place from her????

 

Janine has worked on you over the last 2.5 years, becoming your "best friend". Add that 2 to this 2 (as mentioned): Janine was nagging and nagging you about when you were *all* going to have that promised night out, right? Reason: because back then it was a rare thus not-to-be-missed opportunity to be with C when at that point they were only just at the stage of flirting (as held uncertain (aka exciting and grief/issue-distracting) hope and promise), and with the fact of the evening having to include *you* being simply a case of beggers can't be choosers(?). "Keep your friends close and your enemies (you) closer"...

 

Janine, I'm betting, has been giving you 'advice' that is wholly biased towards her own agenda. Encouraging you to leave him (I'm betting), either directly or via subtle means (going on about how much better being divorced is, and winding you up rather than down over your complaints about him, even PRIOR to you having had enough evidence to indicate salvaging was futile). Am I right?

 

You admire Janine, that's obvious, for the fact she DIVORCED her husband (or had no other option, whichever - from where you're currently sat, you probably think either must take STRENGTH)...and then we have what YOU claimed was a phone-texting error: strong instead of string. I suspect your mind doesn't LIKE that you intend to say cows in the plural, so it compensates by sneakily and leakingly identifying just the ONE woman via that word 'strong'. Yet since when, Sarah, was the letter 'i' - the one you say you intended to press - located on the same button as '6/mno'? Methinks that was no typo, missus, but a Freudian Slip (which, what with your mental cylinders being otherwise busy and distracted, is an understandable and common occurrence).

 

He had trouble at work, you said. Oh, really? Mind not on the job, eh? I wonder why (who)? And then, wasn't it he who encouraged you to take the job at his place of employment? Was that, possibly, back when he first realised he found Janine tasty or alternatively that Janine was coming onto him (which back then made him panicked) and he needed something to help him resist, hence - cue you being placed 'in the middle' like a deterrent?

 

Six years ago I helped a woman, a nurse (*Sally), who's husband (consultant at the same hospital) was cheating with one of her colleagues (nurse at the same hospital). This female coleague ingratiated herself, first by being especially friendly and complimentary (which, ego-boosts, Sally by that point was in dire need of) which then switched to appealing to Sally's Rescuer nature via Woe Is Me and I'm So Lost & Lonely outpourings and appeals. Sally responded. She even started to take the "poor fwuffy bunny" home with her after work for supper with her husband and family... eventually culminating in said colleague visiting husband and kids even when Sally was working her hospital shift. But Sally didn't mind because Sally trusted her. Sally's husband was also in dire need of an ego fluffing, hence the fluffy bunny (not) appealed to his need to feel manly and powerful (admired and looked up to)..... Sally, having trusted and tried to support her, was utterly devastated when she - Month 8 down the line - found out this colleague and supposed best friend had merely used Sally to gain off-duty thus more leisurely and facilitational access to her scrummy consultant husband using this Poor Wickle Me act for giving husband the don't-I-make-you-feel-strong-needed-and-powerful-(unlike-your-strong-and-capable-wife) pursual angle....... Hook... Line.... STINKER.

 

Well? What do you think?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Hmmmmm interesting. Could be. I don't know though - you would have to know Janine . I agree if it were me I would have also stayed at home but she is not like normal people. Janine has zero self awareness, or awareness of how other people perceive her. When I worked with her she always rubbed everyone up the wrong way and didn't realise it. People used to slag her off behind her back and I used to stick up for her because she can be a lot to take when you first meet her but once you get to know her she is nice .

She had ADHD as a kid and she says she is still affected by it now.

 

With me typing strong instead of string - I am on an iPhone and it is a keyboard so the I is next to the o and also It autocorrects words sometime which is a pain and the reason why my posts have so many typos!!!

 

I concede , however, that I do admire her strength so maybe my phone is Freudian too!!!! She is harder emotionally than I am - I guess I wish I was a bit tougher.

 

There are things I could tell you to support your theory about Janine and C. For example she always said what a good husband he is and that he is nothing like her partner. Until he left that is. Now she is all about what an idiot he is and that he has treated me badly and who on earth would want him anyway? (Yeah thanks Janine cos I did).

 

She live for 2 years with her partner even though for her the relationship was dead. She used to lust over other guys and had no physical intimacy with her partner . She used to talk all the time about throwing him out as all they did was argue. 2 weeks after C left Janine asked her partner to move out which he now has.

 

C has never really liked her but tolerated her for me. Saying that though he seems to be like that with anyone I am close to. I am a very sociable person he is not . He resented me having a group of online friends even though he was always on the computer himself. He doesn't make friends easily.

 

With regard to his job he has always ALWAYS had issues in his work - in every job he ever had. I think it is because he is very inflexible and also shy and quiet around people unless he really really feels comfortable with the person (not often).

 

I got two promotions in my job before we had kids and I became the manager of my department - he was so jealous. He said he was happy for me but wow he was soooo jealous. I always felt guilty for achieving things like that. The really stupid part is that there was a small part (very small) of me that was glad I failed my driving test so much. It was one area I could use to illustrate to him that he was good at something that I wasn't (he passed first time) that sounds like I am being arrogant saying I am better than he is - I'm not at all. He just had sigh a low self esteem I needed to praise up any good thing he did and play mine down.

 

I don't know - it could be Janine - I really hope not though.

 

Haha wow natters I am starting to get paranoid about every friendship I have ever had.

 

 

Oh here's a thing. A couple of months ago I was on our PC and I was typing into the address box for a website and it went onto tho site (from the history) called sex in the uk. I didn't really look too deeply into it but I basically think it was a site where you go looking for sex I guess. I asked C about it and he said it sometimes pops up as like an advert when he was watching his wrestling . I didn't really believe him but just said ok. The thing is is didn't really upset me. That's the thing that made me do my soul searching the other day - when you first suggested he had another woman - the thing that bothered me was the threat to my family unit. If he was shagging around i wouldn't care - that's when I realised I don't have the right feelings for him anymore.

[Nattersmatter]

Hmmmmm interesting. Could be. I don't know though - you would have to know Janine . I agree if it were me I would have also stayed at home but she is not like normal people.

 

Oh, really? She's an actual human anomaly, is she? Wow - someone pickle her in Formaldehyde, quick!

 

Janine has zero self awareness, or awareness of how other people perceive her. When I worked with her she always rubbed everyone up the wrong way and didn't realise it. People used to slag her off behind her back and I used to stick up for her because she can be a lot to take when you first meet her but once you get to know her she is nice .

She had ADHD as a kid and she says she is still affected by it now.

 

Perhaps all those people are right and you're wrong? And perhaps you're wrong because Janine is not insensitive but selfish but is very good at acting like she's the opposite of selfish when it's in her interests to?... like getting access to your husband - or having already hooked your husband, getting access to YOU so that she can be in a trusted position as affords her total privyness to an ongoing temperature reading over her lover's marriage ...the one thing (she may self-dupingly believe) standing in her way?

 

With me typing strong instead of string - I am on an iPhone and it is a keyboard so the I is next to the o and also It autocorrects words sometime which is a pain and the reason why my posts have so many typos!!!

 

Ok - strike that, then.

 

I concede , however, that I do admire her strength so maybe my phone is Freudian too!!!! She is harder emotionally than I am - I guess I wish I was a bit tougher.

 

Harder, emotionally, you say? Hard enough to fake being a friend, KNOWING it's all an act to position herself ready for a takeover.

 

There are things I could tell you to support your theory about Janine and C. For example she always said what a good husband he is and that he is nothing like her partner.

 

Oh, for crying out loud!!!

 

Until he left that is. Now she is all about what an idiot he is and that he has treated me badly and who on earth would want him anyway? (Yeah thanks Janine cos I did).

 

Now she is ALL ABOUT..., is she? "You should LEAVE him, Sarah! To want him, you'd have to be MAAAD"

He's *all about*..., too, isn't he.

 

What a pig!, says Janine.

I DESPISE her, he says. (I mean - how many times do you need telling that he can't stand her, anyway?!)

Not THOSE two - NEVER those two, thinks Sarah.

(Strike!!!)

 

Methinks the two doth protesteth TWO MUCH.

 

She was prepared to tell you how great he was until he left whereupon suddenly - SUDDENLY - he's a pig. Yes. because suddenly her aim is to stop you from suspecting her (as likewise is his aim regards her).

 

She live for 2 years with her partner even though for her the relationship was dead. She used to lust over other guys and had no physical intimacy with her partner . She used to talk all the time about throwing him out as all they did was argue. 2 weeks after C left Janine asked her partner to move out which he now has.

 

I'm right. It's her.

 

C has never really liked her but tolerated her for me. Saying that though he seems to be like that with anyone I am close to. I am a very sociable person he is not . He resented me having a group of online friends even though he was always on the computer himself. He doesn't make friends easily.

 

..., so says the man who tried his best to convince you he was going to deal with his despair and loneliness by spending NYE alone in his mother's flat (who conveniently wasn't going to be there all night long), and who took whisky to drink yet oddly decided against drinking it save for one thimbleful and who equally as oddly dolled himself up just enough to be attractive yet not too much that you would have something concrete to point to, evidence-wise.

 

"I ASKED the liar called C if he was a liar and HE SAID NO. I asked the liar called Janine if she was a liar and SHE SAID NO."

 

With regard to his job he has always ALWAYS had issues in his work - in every job he ever had. I think it is because he is very inflexible and also shy and quiet around people unless he really really feels comfortable with the person (not often).

 

Then his references would have in some way reflected that, wouldn't they, meaning any new employer-to-be would know/sense it and either decide against or decide it wasn't a problem in itself. Or maybe he just TELLS you he has regular issues at work because it provides a great excuse for whatever other reasons make him grumpy and snappy and barely allegedly able to lift a finger in your direction in any consistent and reliable way?

 

I got two promotions in my job before we had kids and I became the manager of my department - he was so jealous. He said he was happy for me but wow he was soooo jealous. I always felt guilty for achieving things like that. The really stupid part is that there was a small part (very small) of me that was glad I failed my driving test so much. It was one area I could use to illustrate to him that he was good at something that I wasn't (he passed first time) that sounds like I am being arrogant saying I am better than he is - I'm not at all. He just had sigh a low self esteem I needed to praise up any good thing he did and play mine down.

 

In that case, I'm upping my bet on the fact that this time round you'll pass with strangely zero trouble. But this is getting off the topic of Janine.

 

I don't know - it could be Janine - I really hope not though.

 

Haha wow natters I am starting to get paranoid about every friendship I have ever had.

 

You need to find out who it is or - even if you don't THINK your mind is over-engaged with going over and over the mystery, it will be. You need the clarity and closure it'll bring, too, not to mention the extra anger-turbo and resolve.

 

Oh here's a thing. A couple of months ago I was on our PC and I was typing into the address box for a website and it went onto tho site (from the history) called sex in the uk. I didn't really look too deeply into it but I basically think it was a site where you go looking for sex I guess. I asked C about it and he said it sometimes pops up as like an advert when he was watching his wrestling .

 

Hmmmm.... Surely it would only be in the History listings if it'd actually been clicked on? Why don't you open up the site, find a contact number and ask whether they have now or in the recent past an advert placed on any wrestling site?

 

I didn't really believe him but just said ok. The thing is is didn't really upset me. That's the thing that made me do my soul searching the other day - when you first suggested he had another woman - the thing that bothered me was the threat to my family unit. If he was shagging around i wouldn't care - that's when I realised I don't have the right feelings for him anymore.

 

Okay, you don't care. Not sure I believe you despite you believe you, but - hey-ho. Me, however, I'm convinced it's Janine. (...Boots out her partner 2 weeks after C leaves you - wow, what an AMAZINGLY timed coincidence!).

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: It IS possible, however, that C is wanting to have a marital holiday - to, as you put it, sow his wild oats - yet open to being lured permanently away should someone prove to be (by his standards) better - and that he sh*gged Janine just the once or twice (as had her attaching hard to him), and she, meanwhile, swallowed his excuse for the fact he wasn't suddenly going to leave you for her being because he still loved you and wanted to stay with you.... which obviously, he has now proved was BS. That would equally explain why they suddenly cannot stand each other: she's a threat to his little game where you're concerned whilst he's proven he used her like a free prossie (albeit she is fighting that fact).

 

HOWEVER, that doesn't gel with the fact that C was "bouncy" despite having just realised he was going to have to spend a whole evening like he was her husband on that couples night out. Based on the above hypothesis, that would DEFINITELY have had him blurting, 'No - YOU go, I'll stay here!!!'.

 

Nope. They're having an affair.... only he's not exactly giving her the affair SHE thought she'd get (as in, a new husband). And she thinks that's purely down to YOU and the fact you 'won't release him'.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh, and - not EVERY friendship. Just Janine.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Oh, and - not EVERY friendship. Just Janine.

 

xoxo

 

And Jonathan.

 

I still don't believe it is her. Maybe he fancies her I could see that but I don't think he is her type at all. Anyway she was home with her partner on New Year's Eve. Well time will tell I guess. Not really sure what I can do to find out for sure??

 

 

Also when he left she spent practically every night with me at my house - surely with him freed up she would have been with him ?

[Supersarahp]

Oh also - if it is her I am bloody well screwed cos she pretty much knows every single thing I have been thinking which would mean .... So does he .... That does not bear thinking about!!

 

how the eff do I find out??

[Supersarahp]

And C wouldn't have stayed home anyway - he loves Christmas - we go out every year with Jonathan for it. Janine came last year too. I decided not to go last minute - they did not know that would happen. Janine begged me to go - she rang and text me the whole night - she went cos there was a guy she had met a few weeks before and she was desperate to see if he was gonna be there again. I could not be assed with all that which is part of the reason I did not go - it didn't sit well with me when she had a decent man at home already although she said he had agreed they were over. He still lived with her and I know he wanted to try to make it work with her and also she did not tell him that she was looking for bloody one night stands and the like. If they were so over why hide it from him?

 

Anyway I digress, I understand where you are coming from with this whole C and Janine thing but I still don't think it is the case. Janine actually was trying to get C and her partner to make good friends. In fact C really liked Daniel. They got on great. He always said he preferred Daniel to Janine . Now I know you can say that was all part of the cover up and maybe it is but you can say that about everything can't you? I don't want to turn into a completely cynical untrusting person - that's not me.

 

Well I guess there is no point worrying about it because there is not a lot I can do about it even if it is her. Just be a bit careful what I say to her about C from now on I guess ?

[Supersarahp]

 

Yes, but you're just displacing and misattributing emotions again. Have you not noticed how much you do that?

xoxo

 

Forgot to answer this bit too. Do I do this a lot ? I haven't realised not really???

 

Also - I had such a great day today. Took the kids to the zoo - 2 buses there and 2 back. It was brilliant - they were so well behaved and I did not feel stressed at all. We just had a fantastic day. I didn't even think about Him barely. Only once when I thought about showing him the photos and then realised no I won't be!

 

The reason I say about not being stressed is cos he said I was always stressed and I agreed and I thought I was always stressed because of the kids but days like this just reiterate to me that I wasn't .