How do I heal when we have kids?

[Nattersmatter]

Seriously, Sarah - no bull: I have never in all my years seen a woman not just get with the programme but start to get total control of it sooooo quickly! Kudos! xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Heheh thanks like I said before I wouldn't have got with it so fast without your support. I will definitely start the whole receipt keeping thing. I do need a new tumble dryer now you mention it. The door on mine has been broken for about 2 years - pain in the behind it is. He never stopped me buying things as such but our money was always kind of separate. So if I felt we needed something if I couldn't convince him then I would just pay for it if I had the money. He wasted money on so many stupid things. Example a really expensive tent when he knows I hate hate hate camping. That was approx 2 years ago and we have never used it. I guess he will get the chance now hey! He was bad with money and I nearly always ended up giving him some before payday or putting petrol in the car (which was meant to be his responsibility) it is nice to be completely in control of my own finances.

 

I will have to find out what I can do about the locks situation for sure.

 

I am finding myself telling more and more people that C and I are done. Weird how it goes that I have bumped into a few people I haven't seen in a while over the last few days. A couple of them have said "oh he will be back" a week or so ago that would have filled me with hope - now I want to say "I don't want him back" I don't though - I just say - well we will see!

 

Got my supplements - got the omega 3 capsules (don't know what the EPA means though?) got vitamin b and magnesium and also zinc.

[Nattersmatter]

Glad to be of assistance - Anti-Machievelli Vigilante at your service! Cos if there's one thing in life I cannot, CANNOT tolerate it's a weak, selfish, passive-aggressive snake-in-the-grass cheat (and I mean re everything, not just relationships/Infidelity) who wouldn't know how to do the right thing if someone slammed a How To manual in his or her face.

 

Tumble-drier? What about your fridge? Is it still big enough now you're kids are bigger and eating so much more? Not that you should buy it THIS month but certainly in about 2/3 months from now. Oh, which reminds me: FACT: a family of four that loses just one member does NOT afford lower food- and toiletries-shopping bills - due to how supermarket food is portioned and packaged. It just means, if *anything*, more wastage. So don't let him try that that little Maintenance-lowering argument, either. Same goes, obviously, for heating, electricity and water bills. Also, a woman abandoned by the only other adult in the house needs to make MORE PHONECALLS. Further - a woman who is attempting to keep the kids happy and positive, will need to ask their friends around for tea/playdates that much more than before, too (more food shopping) as well as keep the kids' minds distracted with more DVDs, cinema trips, 10-pin bowling, swimming, ice-skating... and to keep their self-esteems up with more regular, non-bargain-basement haircuts and leisure/party clothes they feel proud of themselves in .... you name it, they'll need it in greater quantities than ever before. And don't forget all those extra shop-bought vitamins and minerals.

 

YOUR MONEY WAS ALWAYS "KIND OF" SEPARATE? And IF YOU COULDN'T *CONVINCE* HIM??? YET A TENT FOR *HIMSELF*????? And YOU *NEARLY ALWAYS* ENDED UP HAVING TO SUBSIDISE HIM??????????

 

Oh, Sarah. No WONDER you're "found your wings" and are sounding so liberation-drunk! Can you please Google methods of financial abuse and see if you can see yourself? I'm betting big money you will.

 

He'll be back? Oh, trust me - what with you having taken that string out of his hands from which he was attempting to dangle you and meanwhile rising up like a Pheonix, unless the guy has so much false pride it constitutes cutting off his nose to spite his own face - he is going to be GAGGING AND BEGGING for you to take him back! And if he WOULD cut off his own nose - who'd want an idiot like that anyway?

 

You won't want him, though. And I don't mean, because you've just said so - you're bound to say that now but...things can change. BUT, you definitely won't ever be finding yourself wanting him back UNLESS he not just SAYS (blah-b*llocks-blah) he'll change his ways towards a fairer dynamic and marital society if only you'll try again, but SHOWS it!

 

New Mantra (for just in case), a la Eliza Doolittle: "Don't tell me - SHOW me!"

 

EPA and DPA (go google) - the type of fatty acids which were proven to reduce inflammation but have since been found to have other major-major benefits. EPAs won an award for their incredible, almost unbelieveable positive effects on suicidals, depressives, those with PMT problems, hyperactives, OCDs, etc., etc. The respected clinical trial as showed this unequivocally was stopped at the very first opportunity whereby it wouldn't affect the authenticity of results for reasons of compassion, i.e. it was felt that denying the control group (those untreated or given only placebos) of such fast and radical mood-improvement for a minute longer was CRUEL. Nuff said, eh!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I have to go for now. Back on tomorrow but I'll keep a look out just in case... xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Hehe he wasn't that bad I don't think anyway.

 

Just had something that can only be described as farcical when he came to pick them up tonight - I am not gonna post every single conversation we have on here I promise but thought I would share this encounter!

 

So today Liam begged me to buy him a space hopper because C popped his a few months ago supposedly because he wouldn't share - and Liam had loved that space hopper. I did not agree with C at the time but I wasn't there when it happened. Well I had seen a 3 for £10 offer in Argos on little toys so I said yeah ok. So the kids picked one thing each.

 

So C was supposed to pick them up at 6pm and he shows up at 6.30pm. Liam straight away asks if he can bring his new space hopper. C is staying in his mums first floor 1 bed flat complete with grouchy downstairs neighbour. So understandably says no. Lauren and Joe are bringing their new things which are a lot smaller and Liam points this out.

 

Cue 10 minutes of C trying to get Liam to pick something else to bring. Liam chooses my shopping trolley. C says "it's too big". I say "try to pick something smaller " C says "well mummy it doesn't have to be that much smaller" I say "eff off stupid idiot" in my head and "I'm just trying to help" out loud.

So C goes to the car with the others while I help Liam pick something else - eventually Liam picks a castle but wants to find some "guys" to go in it. So by the time Liam is satisfied to go its 7pm and my parents have arrived to see me after being to church.

 

Cue uncomfortable C! He finally got going at 7.10pm looking somewhat harrassed.

 

Now he will probably think I bought the space hopper on purpose to pee him off but I honestly didn't!!

 

I know it is bad and uncharitable but I found the whole episode hilarious. Welcome to your new life smart arse!!

[Supersarahp]

I got the key back!

 

It knocked me for 6 though.

 

So he dropped the kids back home this morning.

 

I said "ok I'll have your key back now as well please"

 

So he took it off his key ring and looked so pained about it that I said

 

"If that's ok?"

 

He said "I guess so. Aren't I going to have them here on Wednesday?"

 

Me: "no, you can have them at your mums, you don't need to be here. This is my personal space, I am not in your personal space"

 

He looked anguished.

 

Me: "we are not together any more"

 

He gave me the key, eyes full of tears and then he left.

 

I felt gutted for him. I still care about his feelings. At least I know now the tears are cos he is apart from the kids not apart from me.

 

Anyway so much for my promise not to post every bloody conversation we have but I feel this was an important one.

[Nattersmatter]

Hehe he wasn't that bad I don't think anyway.

 

Just had something that can only be described as farcical when he came to pick them up tonight - I am not gonna post every single conversation we have on here I promise but thought I would share this encounter!

 

No, no, no - *do* post conversations - I get an even better handle on him through those.

 

So today Liam begged me to buy him a space hopper because C popped his a few months ago supposedly because he wouldn't share

 

Beg pardon sorry what come again what beg whatdon par begdon can I have that again-no, actually I dont' want that again - WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!

 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!*!!???!******?!!

 

Is this usual from him?- wait - course it is - it must be because you who is still only just coming out of Minimisation Land is telling it with such nonchalance! Tell him I said - grow up or get therapy *NOW*!!!!!

 

And meanwhile, you Google child abuse and see if you can find that classic where the father who is displeased or angry with his child for whatever responds NOT like an adult by confiscating the toy following a calm talk to remind the child why we need to share but by stamping hard on the child's toy, reducing it to smithereens. Child of 4 in grown-up man suit attempts to teach/discipline child of (? - older probably!).

 

- and Liam had loved that space hopper. I did not agree with C at the time but I wasn't there when it happened.

 

As above, I don't care if you'd been on ruddy Saturn at the time! You don't NEED to be there, you just need to know that he dealt with his son VERY, VERY BADLY. How would HE like it if, barging out of a junction into a traffic queue in his car without consideration or invitation from the other driver, he other driver (who was 10ft tall) got out of his car and CRUSHED IT!

 

Well I had seen a 3 for £10 offer in Argos on little toys so I said yeah ok. So the kids picked one thing each.

 

Tick!

 

So C was supposed to pick them up at 6pm and he shows up at 6.30pm.

 

Any legitimate excuse?

 

Liam straight away asks if he can bring his new space hopper. C is staying in his mums first floor 1 bed flat complete with grouchy downstairs neighbour. So understandably says no. Lauren and Joe are bringing their new things which are a lot smaller and Liam points this out. Cue 10 minutes of C trying to get Liam to pick something else to bring.

 

Ooh. Liam's starting to show his displeasure with daddy with his feet, look. (Blimey - even your KIDS are super-fast! LOL)

 

Liam chooses my shopping trolley. C says "it's too big". I say "try to pick something smaller " C says "well mummy it doesn't have to be that much smaller" I say "eff off stupid idiot" in my head and "I'm just trying to help" out loud.

 

C should have said to Liam, 'Yes. Although it doesn't have to be that much smaller'.

 

So that just translates as 'Butt out!' on his part, then, doesn't it.

 

So C goes to the car with the others while I help Liam pick something else - eventually Liam picks a castle but wants to find some "guys" to go in it. So by the time Liam is satisfied to go its 7pm and my parents have arrived to see me after being to church.

 

Liam knew what he was doing, didn't he, look. ;-) But do watch that because although it's one in the eye for da-da, it's still a case of Liam now challenging the Not-so-Alpha male whereas he has to realise that YOU are the new Alpha Male now. By letting him take that amount of time, you allowed him effectively to sit on your chest. Next time, say, 'Okay, I'll let you take 5 full minutes to choose your figures, starting now' and look at your watch. (You might want to get yourself a little digital timer with an audible stopwatch so that it's the STOPWATCH that's saying, 'That's your lot, pal!', despite you're the boss of the timer.)

 

Cue uncomfortable C! He finally got going at 7.10pm looking somewhat harrassed.

 

And yoooou were LOVIN' it with fries and a milkshake. ;-) Save your energies for bigger battles, though.

 

Now he will probably think I bought the space hopper on purpose to pee him off but I honestly didn't!!

 

We KNOW how his mind works but - who gives one.

 

I know it is bad and uncharitable but I found the whole episode hilarious. Welcome to your new life smart arse!!

 

Fine but don't involve Liam and don't let Liam take advantage of the sensed need for revenge on your part for getting to appropriate that Man Of The House position or once you're all out of the urge to stick it to exipoopoos, you'll regret it.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

"I said "ok [i [u]will[/u]] have your key back now as well please"

 

IiidAIN'T-whatcha-doooo, it's-the waay-thatcha DO-IT...And that's-what-gets re-sults! (- name the 80s band!)

 

(Not THAT gutted. Clearly. LOL)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Poor old C. He's going to be mincemeat.

 

(In which case - Wow...what a wonderful lesson!)

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

The space hopper thing was the only time C has broken one of their toys that I can recall. I was really annoyed with him about it and told him it was out of order. He just said that Liam had an issue with sharing and had to learn. I remember saying that he could have just confiscated it and that breaking it was a step too far but he was insistent that it was an appropriate punishment.

 

Our parenting styles do differ quite a lot I guess and we used to disagree a fair bit. He was very firm and I was a bit softer (which I guess is demonstrated by the example with Liam picking the figures last night). I guess I am going to have to firm up somewhat now that I am "alpha male" lol .

 

Something Lauren said to me tonight has concerned me deeply. She said that last night C was mad with Liam last night and pinned him to the floor and was punching him and Liam was really upset. I was shocked and said "what? Really?" And she said "well I am not sure if he was punching him but it seemed like it, he was practically sitting on him. Daddy has got really mean since he moved out"

 

I said I would be speaking to daddy about it because that should not happen.

 

I questioned Liam on it. I said "was daddy mad with you last night?" Liam said yes. I said "did he hit you?" And Liam said "no" I asked him what happened when daddy was mad with him and he said " I don't know I can't remember" in an annoyed tone. Liam has been absolutely fine all day but when I first got them back Lauren was a bit tearful and unhappy. Joe was fine. (Lauren is 7, Joe is 6 and Liam is 4)

 

I really don't know how to take this. I am trying very hard not to flip out or overreact. I have NEVER EVER seen C raise a hand to any of the kids. He is usually really calm. I have never even seen him lose his cool with them. He is firm, yes but never out of control. We have never done "smacking" as a form of discipline. We don't believe in it. If anything he was alway the calmer of the 2 of us. I was always the more stressful one. He has never been a violent person at all - never towards me either . Even the night when he finally left and I was asking him if he loved me and he wouldn't answer and I stood in the doorway and blocked his way he never pushed me out of the way or brushed past or anything. He just asked me to move over and over.

 

I know the space hopper example shows that he has overreacted before but I swear that was a one off thing. I am not trying to defend him but I don't want to paint him as a villian either because he has always been a good, caring dad and the kids have always absolutely loved him and never had cause to fear him.

 

So I don't know what to do. I guess I will have to speak to him about it - it's really disturbing.

I hope to God that there is an explanation and Lauren is somehow overdramatising.

 

I am starting to realise as well that actually I was not the stressful influence in our house. Since he left, my relationship with the kids has vastly improved. I feel so chilled and mellow with them. I guess it could just be a temporary thing because of the trauma of what has happened or my maternal instinct to protect them being notched up at the moment but I don't think it is. I am just far less stressed within myself which is ironic that my stress was the main reason he gave for leaving.

 

 

So how the eff do I handle this one?

[Nattersmatter]

The space hopper thing was the only time C has broken one of their toys that I can recall. I was really annoyed with him about it and told him it was out of order. He just said that Liam had an issue with sharing and had to learn. I remember saying that he could have just confiscated it and that breaking it was a step too far but he was insistent that it was an appropriate punishment.

 

Yes, insistent - INSISTENT - that it was an appropriate - APPROPRIATE - punishment. Precisely, Sarah: someone who sees nothing wrong with it ergo doesn't just claim but INSISTS there ISN'T anything wrong with it , that it FITS the misbehaviour. All the child - CHILD - was doing was demonstrating that he had not sat through enough lessons of the subject entitled Learning To Share but why WOULD he when he's still a child who hasn't finished school yet thus hasn't taken his school-leaving exams yet? There is lesson-learning through positive or negative reinforcement as includes "a bit firm", and then there is downright FOIS GRAS, where the lesson is a mere wrapping around a festering sore as shocks and traumatises whereby the deep impact is one that remains forever easily brought to mind.

 

As you yourself point out, CONFISCATION is appropriate... as is Time Out... as is a stern lecture replete with warning. NOT violence directed at his toy which could just as easily be directed at anything or anyone else.

 

Some men punch the cupboard door to the side of where the woman's head is situated. Threat of violence is still violence - because it shows that the MOST control that can get exerted is a last minute re-selection of the target, with the message of such a near miss thereby implicit (next time I may not miss).

 

This isn't a PARENTING style. It's abuse - cat kicking - done under the VEIL of parental discipline. And do you think that someone who has the underlying attitude that this KIND of thing as appropriate that he insists it is wouldn't express that in OTHER ways? Example: A person who prefers hot weather will also prefer hot-weather clothing and hot weather food and hot weather leisure pursuits, etc., etc., etc. Attitudes produce a plethora of expressions.

 

If, however, you're saying this wasn't an attitude but a momentary, one-off mood, then, that's fine.

 

 

OH, MY GOD, WAIT - I'VE JUST SPOTTED THE BIT ABOUT DADDY PUNCHING OR ON TOP OF LIAM, AND HE'S ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD!!!

 

SARAH - PHONE SOCIAL SERVICES IN THE MORNING, I BEG YOU!!!! YOU DO *NOT* TAKE CHANCES WITH THIS KIND OF THING. THE MAN IS UNDER SERIOUS, SERIOUS MENTAL STRAIN AND OBVIOUSLY CANNOT COPE WITH A WILFUL TODDLER!!!!!! IF THERE'S NOTHING MUCH TO THIS STORY THEN AN INVESTIGATION WILL PROVE THERE ISN'T BUT IF THERE IS, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE CHANCE, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!

[Nattersmatter]

I'm severly concerned, Sarah. You've been desensitised along with forced to minimise and have had to extend that to every area until you've normalised it all. You aren't reacting normally, Sarah. YOU should have been the one writing in hurried capitals. It's not your fault because you've had to live with it too long but, let me put it this way: Lauren was under no confusion about C having been PRACTICALLY SAT on Liam! Nor that Liam was "really upset". Nor that it SEEMED like C was punching him! And - FACT: Lauren came back upset! She's a little mini-mum with protective instincts; she would have felt duty-bound to protect Liam yet powerless. No WONDER Liam tried to avoid the topic altogether and got agitated. He undoubtedly got convinced that he had deserved it so feared you'd be just as angry at him and nor did he want reminding of that 'crime' of his. HE'S A BABY!!! He's not CAPABLE of any crime that deserves that kind of treatment! And if C were to suggest that he were restraining Liam - don't you think Lauren is old enough to know the difference?

 

I understand that you've never seen C overreact to that extent before but, Sarah, neither have you ever experienced C in this level of situation before so you have zero prior knowledge over what he's capable of or not right now! The man may be about to have a nervous breakdown for all you know! Men don't handle emotional upset at the BEST of times.

 

Daddy has got really mean since he moved out, she said. Not, Daddy has got meaner. Not, Daddy has got mean. Not, Daddy has got a bit mean. Daddy has got REALLY mean since he moved out.

 

You need to sit Lauren AND Joe AND Liam down for an urgent family meeting and, making it clear that NEITHER ONE of them is going to be in trouble for telling what happened, quite the opposite, insist very firmly that they must tell you detail by detail so that, quote, if something happened that shouldn't have, you can make sure it never happens ever again. Give one of them your most expensive item of jewellery and tell them that if you break your promise and do get mad with any of them, they get to keep it forever, ergo you are NOT going to break your promise and lose possession of your prized jewellery. Hell - bribe the one who spills the details of the events first with a Ten Pound note if you have to! If Lauren is over-dramatising, you'll be able to tell because her factual details won't add up. Kids lack concentration and keeping their focus on a chain, and slip up. Like this: The man, who DID only have two hands, honest he did, had a coconut in one hand and a banana in the other and an apple in the other.

 

Do you not think that a grown man should KNOW it "shouldn't happen"? This clearly isn't ABOUT what C knows or not, it's about loss of control where everything he normally knows and every boundary he'd normally keep within goes out the window! So - correction - in situation normal or under a certain quantum of duress he was a good father.

 

Understand, Sarah - this - all of it as now includes the Liam incident - is the behaviour of a coward. Of COURSE he wouldn't want confrontation verbal or physical against you, a grown woman. But little kids and animals are defenseless targets. It's called kicking the cat, not kicking the tigress.

 

Your stress was you taking on his 'disease'. Read Dr Terrence Real for how women, as emotional caretakers, take on their husband's inadequacies and ills in order not to preseent a contrast that would not only make the man feel worse by comparison of her but for which she might suffer in terms of his foul-temperedness. Example: wifes supposedly suffering depression along with the husband. The woman leaves the man and in record time ceases being depressed whilst the husband becomes WORSE. It was a portion of HIS depression that she took onto her shoulders. Same happens with their so-called alcoholism. Women are emotional sponges and take responsibility for the welfare of their loved-ones. They even take on another person's sadness and crying (think sad films).

 

The rule with protecting children where anything untoward like this is suspected, is this: "Better safe than sorry".

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Wow I really want to swear right now this is bloody hard . Lauren had a major meltdown this morning.

 

So we had to get up early so I could have them all ready for C to collect as he no longer can be in the house or lock up. Lauren is a complete early bird anyway so was awake before the alarm.

 

Downstairs the boys got ready but Lauren did not want to get dressed. She kept saying it was too early.

 

I had just read your response regarding the whole in incident with C and Liam and I was anxious to talk properly with the kids about it before he C came to fetch them. So I said they wouldn't be in trouble at all and I needed the whole story.

 

Lauren said that Liam had wanted to sleep on the air bed but C had said no so Liam had a tantrum about it and started screaming. Then C held Liam down and shouted at him. Liam agreed with this. I asked Liam if C had hit him and Liam said no he didn't . Liam said "daddy promised me I could sleep on the air bed but then he said no" (I know this is true because I heard C promise it the night before ). I explained that daddy was feeling stressed by the whole situation and that it was not their fault and that daddy shouldn't have done that and I would ask daddy to be calm. Which they seemed fine about.

 

So Lauren still wouldn't get dressed and C arrived. I explained to Lauren that I had to leave for work soon and I asked her if she was looking forward to time with daddy and she said she was but it was too early in the morning and she wanted to go back to bed. C said she could go to bed at grandma's house and even get in with grandma if she wanted (his mum is off too which is a relief for me after that incident) Lauren said she wanted to sleep in her own bed.

 

I took C aside and broached the subject of the incident with Liam. I asked him if he hit him and he said "no" I asked him if he shouted at him and he said "no"

I guess I knew he would deny it.

 

By this time I had to leave for work so I told Lauren she either had to get dressed or go in the car in her pyjamas. I said "Lauren you need to get in the car now as I need to leave for work - I will call you later ok?"

 

She said she did not like all the tips I packed for her and that she wasn't going in the car and that it was too early. She said I should give daddy back his key because she wanted to stay at home . I explained that daddy doesn't live here now and to spend time with daddy she needed to be where daddy lives now. I asked C to take the boys to the car which he did.

 

Lauren was crying her eyes out. I cuddled her and told her I knew it was hard but we just need to get used to the new routine and everything was going to be better. I said "lets get you dressed and into the car so you can have a lovely few days with daddy and I will see you on weds night and I will ring you every day".

 

She said "I don't want to go to daddy's for 3 days. 1 day is fine but 3 days is too long - I will miss you" I said " I will miss you too and I love you very very much but daddy loves you too and wants to have some time with you as well"

 

She said "I wish you and daddy would just get along - I want to be with daddy but I want to be with you as well"

 

I said " well you go and have a lovely time with daddy and when you come back we will have a lovely time and we will go to the zoo on Thursday" (which is something I had promised then before)

"Daddy and I will get along soon and we are all just adjusting to the new routine"

 

I said "come on let's get you sorted because I am going to be late for work"

 

She said " I'm sorry I am making you late for work mummy but I can't help it"

 

(That pretty much broke my heart)

 

I cuddled her and said "it's ok darling it doesn't matter - you are much more important but everything's going to be ok"

 

She asked me again to give C back the key so they could all stay at home. I explained to her again that I couldn't . We went out to the car - she was in her trousers but still in a pyjama top as she said she didn't like any of her tops.

 

I locked the door and she said she wasn't going to get in the car but was going to stay outside the house. She banged on the door and asked me to let her back in to look for a different top. I said "no Lauren your tops are all fine - you need to get into the car now and I have to go to work and I will ring you on my first break to make sure you are ok"

 

I had missed my bus by then and it was getting to the time I needed to catch the next one.

 

I opened the car door and said to C "I am going to have to go for the bus really soon else I am going to be really late " he got out of the car and have Lauren a cuddle. She let him but didn't cuddle him back. She said to me "give daddy back his key - if grandma (my mum) has a key then daddy should have one its only fair. He doesn't live here but we do so he we need access to the house when we are with him"

 

I explained that when they are with daddy they need to be where daddy lives and that is the way it works. I said "I am going to go to work now but I love you very much and daddy is going to look after you and have loads of fun and I will ring you in a little while" I gave her a cuddle and a kiss and she said she wasn't getting in the car. I walked away and she said she was running away and walked off down the road the opposite way from me. C said "come on boys lets go" and started the car. Lauren ran back and got in the car and that is how I left them.

 

I don't know if I handled that right at all. I don't think I did. Maybe I should not have gone to work. I have already messed them about so much because of this whole scenario I am worried about losing my job (I am still on probation ). I know Lauren is more important than any stupid job but at the same time I don't want to lose my job cos God knows where that would put us financially. I also feel that had I not gone to work it then sets a precedent and while I understand that Lauren's protest is justified and an expression of the trauma she is feeling about the situation I also don't want her (or the boys ) to think they can get upset and change the routine or the way things have to be.

 

End of the day this is the way things are going to be going forward so I feel like I had to go to work this morning even though it killed me and made me feel like I was abandoning her.

 

I guess I am going to have to have a long talk with all 3 and really reassure them. I have done this but maybe not enough. C never has - to my knowledge . A couple of weeks ago I asked him to do it with me to explain things to them and reassure then but he wouldn't so I guess it is all up to me.

[Supersarahp]

When I arrived at work I called C. He said Lauren was absolutely fine. I spoke to Lauren and asked if she was ok and she said yes. I said "I just wanted to make sure you are ok and tell you I love you very much." She said "yes I am ok". I said "ok well thats good - I hope you have a lovely day and I will call you later".

 

She said "Blah blah blah" and was giggling.

 

I will ring a bit later. I know C's mum is with them today so I feel reasonably ok but I am worried. God I don't know what to do for the best. I am worried about it . If I ring social services what do I say "He shouted at him and held him down". Won't they think I am just a bitter, vindictive woman whose husband has walked out on her? and if they do follow it up C will just deny it or play it down.

 

What do social services do in such cases? I'm really confused. I am worried about turning C against me and making this into a massive battle - obviously my kids' welfare is paramount and I will do whatever I have to to protect them. I just don't know. They don't seem afraid of him at all. Liam was happy to see him today and made no fuss about going with him. I know it was different with Lauren but she didn't have a problem with being with C - just wanted it to be in our home.

 

I am worried that if C thinks I am trying to take the kids off him then he will feel backed into a corner and then could get desperate and do something stupid.

 

I seriously don't know how to handle this at all. Like you say better safe than sorry. If anything happened to my kids I would never forgive myself. I guess I better make that call. I am so so scared of the consequences of such a call though. I don't honestly think he would seriously do anything to hurt them but then like you say all his behaviour of late has been out of character.

 

S**t!!!

[Supersarahp]

Ok so I rang the NSPCC to get some advice. I explained my situation and ran through what the kids said about C last night and what they said happened. The guy told me to keep a close eye on it and that if it happened more often that it would be a big concern. He asked about C pinning Liam down and how long he did it for. I said I wasn't sure. He said keep the lines of communication open with the kids as much as possible so they can tell you anything that happens. He said I don't need to report it to social services at this stage but to certainly keep a close eye on things.

 

I rang C after I finished work to speak to the kids. Lauren was much happier. She told me she didn't want to run away. The boys were in good spirits and said they had been to the park.

 

One thing Lauren said was "I can't tell you where we are going tomorrow. Daddy said not to tell you" I asked why and she said "we are going to Gemma's house" I asked why daddy didn't want her to tell me and she said she didn't know.

 

Gemma is a mutual friend. She used to go out with Chris' best mate about 12 years ago. Maybe she is Chris' affair. I don't think so though. She has 2 small kids and is pregnant with her 3rd. Her partner is Chinese so if this baby comes out not Chinese then I guess we will know! Nah I seriously doubt it. I think he does not want me to know they are going there because he wants to keep her as a friend so wants to get his side of the story accross first . I don't care - she isn't that close anyway.

[Supersarahp]

Oh and added to that - I am very pleased Lauren told me where they are going even though C told her not to. Very impressed she knows she can tell me anything and I won't run back to C with it. I won't mention it to C at all, I want Lauren to trust me like this. It is very reassuring to me.

 

I am going to be watching C and the kids and their interactions like a hawk from now on.

 

I read some of the too good to leave/ too bad to stay. I think C has some attributes of a power person but I think he thinks I am a power person. Maybe we both are!

[nookbridge]

Keep strong Sarah! Don't be so rough on yourself, just focus on doing the right thing in each situation! You're doing great!

[Nattersmatter]

1. Phew! that I'm back on (Kaspersky problems and other pressing priorities); I was really worried for a moment there.

 

2. You're doing better than great and certainly far, far, FAR better than most women in your position - NO.... WORRIES. And despite you can have social services log your call of concern, phoning the NSPCC was very resourceful compromise. Further, you do actually have a dated written record for If/When - RIGHT HERE. But if anything unacceptable does happen again, where you ring der SS (ya vull! LOL), as long as you seem reluctant and make it clear you're unsure about making any judgement call, they won't mistake it for severely sour grapes.

 

3. Not that the incident didn't serve to highlight C's kack-handedness as a lone parent in charge,...it would seem that Lauren exaggerated the incident in her quest to shove you and C together (negatively will do where positively isn't an option), as well as ran amok in the supermarket aisles before going limp on the supermarket floor in order to get daddy his key back thus daddy's foot 'back' in through the door, hopefully increasingly from there.

 

It would seem she doesn't like going to C's place for the simple reasons that [1] it misrepresents a show of acceptance and support over the new situation on her part, and because [2] C is not exactly ideal as a lone parent when it comes to being consistent (yyyeah, and the rest, eh), including saying what he means and meaning what he says (changing his mind and welching on promises made obviously on impulse rather than thinking-through). You were obviously always the judge who'd remind him he'd made a promise and should follow through with delivering. Correct?

 

My only criticism, but which could only be taken seriously were you someone who'd already been doing this for a good year, note, would be to not over-accommodate Lauren quiet so much - repeating your stance. Two-fold message delivered, you need to walk away sooner, which will not only show that decisions once voiced are already firm and concrete, but force C to have to take over. By over-involving yourself when on HIS time, you showed him how the kids' button-pressing exercises to an extent succeed and you showed him that he, at least, can rely on YOU, still, and finally, that he can fail to use his power to stop this situation by just standing there mute and motionless like he's a jelly teapot until the palava actually starts to inconvenience HIM.

 

Next time, just look at him, expressionless, and say, 'We've handed over so they are already yours to deal with; please do so because I'm off the mum clock plus if I lose this job it's going to impact just as much on you if not more so'.

 

Still, now you have this experience under your belt, next time you can set the timer: "If you haven't got dressed by the time this goes beep - in precisely 10 minutes [set it for 5 because 10 minutes feels more like 20 for kids and they need to get with YOUR time perception] - you're going as you are whether that means going practically naked or in your pyjamas... ready, steady, GO!". Or turn it into a game - "Last one dressed is a stinky bum! Who's going to be the stinky bum today?!" or, by the same but more positive token, "First one dressed is the cleverest!" If you haven't got a timer yet, use the oven timer (assuming it's loud enough to reach upstairs?).

 

4. Lauren said blah-blah-blah, did she? And giggled? Who was that whisperingly parodying you with Blah-blah-blah in the background, I wonder? Must have been accompanied by the glove-puppet hand-gesture for her to have giggled, eh. THAT, has got to STOP. Taking the piss out of you behind your back to the kids whether frivolously or not, is going to erode the kids' respect, not just toward you but also toward the perpetrator. HAVE YOU FOUND A SOLICITOR AND MADE THE CONSULTATION APPOINTMENT YET? If not, I suggest you write C a cool and totally emotion-less email to say you would hope that what Lauren disrespectfully said on the phone was not something that was there and then being put into her head, and that you would hope he would retain his maturity and dignity for the sake of [note the order for appealing purposes] his pride and self-esteem as well as the children's good rearing- and psychological-welfare-preservation. (To end or not with, 'PS: you are a rhymes-with-shunt and I rue the day I ever rhymes-with-dead you', is optional.... as are the subtly inferring word choices there. ;-))

 

The man is a....... well... not a man, is he.

 

I ruh-huh-huh-HEEEALLY do not like him, Sam-I-Am. Not in a box (6 foot under), not with a fox (chewing his face off), not in the (liquid nitrogen) rain, not in a (wood) plane.

 

....but at least I wasn't married to him (HAH-hah!) (sorry - couldn't COULDN'T resist the opp for a bit of Black humour, there)

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Hahah - he really isn't THAT bad - just incredibly immature - he always was but at 18 it was funny - 32 not so much. I remember ages ago we had a conversation where we agreed that I had changed and he has not. He was all like "but I haven't changed at all" and I was thinking "neither have I - I have just matured" but how do you tell your husband you think he is immature? I did tell him once that I felt like I had 4 kids!

 

Haven't sorted a solicitor yet (slap on wrist) I know I know I should have. I guess it makes it all too real. Argh so stupid that I still worry about hurting his bloody feelings! Not to self: stop prioritising him! Also thinking about the money side - but I will look into it.

 

Had a bit of a down day yesterday - was anxious about the whole C and Liam thing. Felt bad about "abandoning" Lauren and was just a bit "is this what my life has come to?" But it is all good - am just riding these things out.

 

Was weird coming home to an empty house when it is usually so full of life. Pros and cons though - I missed my cuddles and laughter with the kids - felt a bit at a loose end. It was really nice though to have some time to myself - had a nice bath etc .

 

I actually slept pretty well last night. I have always been a terrible sleeper - find it hard to switch off. So when something disruptive happens it makes it even worse. Got about 6 1/2 hours straight last night which was awesome!

 

I have a little story which illustrates C's immaturity. Don't know why I am telling it really cos we already know but hey ho here it is.

 

When C said he was not sure about us continuing we had a week of absolute limbo where he would not allow me to touch him in any way even avoiding walking too close to me. Well after a couple of days of this he came home from work and went to give Lauren a cuddle. She did at first and then pulled away and the conversation went like this

 

L: I am not cuddling you anymore Daddy because you won't cuddle mummy.

 

C: oh L that makes me sad

 

Me: oh Lauren daddy loves you very much. Mummy and daddy are sorting our own things out but that doesn't mean you shouldn't cuddle daddy.

 

L: no mummy he is being really horrible to you and it's not fair. (She cuddles me and I mouth to C "don't worry she will ")

 

L: daddy that's it I am never cuddling you again until you start cuddling mummy again.

 

C: well I won't cuddle you either

 

L: I don't care I don't want to cuddle you until you start being nice.

 

C: well I won't take you on days out then - I will just take the boys.

 

(I felt like slapping him in that moment - I mean - for God's sake!)

 

L: I don't care - take the boys - I will just stay home and do girly things with mummy - I love you mummy.

 

Me to C: she is a 7 year old girl and she is struggling with this!

 

I was just incredulous it was ridiculous. I should be fair a d counter it with something that happened with Joe and I (now Joe has always been completely a mummy's boy - so bonded to me it's unreal - It used to bother C but he got over himself).

 

Well when all this first happened we were putting the kids to bed and Joe was sitting on the loo. Conversation went:

 

Me: I love you Joe

J: well I hate you mummy

Me: oh Joe I hope not because I love you so much - I don't really believe that you hate me.

J: I hate you and I love daddy.

C: Joe don't talk to mummy like that. Mummy and Daddy are still united when it comes to you guys.

J: it was only a joke

C: well apologise and give mummy a kiss

J comes and cuddles me

Me: I love you so much, you are my champion (that's what I call him because he doesn't like "darling" or terms of endearment that he thinks are too girly)

J: I love you too beautiful mummy.

 

So C did support me then - I was really surprised he did actually - he does have his moments!!!

 

Don't know why I told all that - seen to have gone off on a tangent!

 

Oi! Alright I know I am the one who married him heheehe must be a sucker for waifs and strays - ouch! (Slap on wrist number 2!)

I don't regret our time together - and I will never say "I wish I never met him" etc. aside from anything else we made 3 amazing kids (and they really are - I am not biased at all honest !)

 

Hmm I am waffling now! Feel a bit better today - going to work. I still have a stupid form to fill in when I get home and need to look into this legal stuff.

 

As for C - let him be a prat.

 

I am glad that I didn't do the completely wrong thing with Lauren yesterday morning aside from maybe giving her too much influence. It is hard to get the balance right sometimes .

 

Life goes on hey!!

 

Thanks nattersmatter - and thanks for your encouragement Nook!

[Nattersmatter]

Hahah - he really isn't THAT bad - just incredibly immature

 

Er. Yeh. Precisely. Or did gobsmackingly immature to the point of mildly mentally ill suddenly become a puller and no-one told me about it?

 

- he always was but at 18 it was funny - 32 not so much.

 

Ah, then what you're actually saying is, He wasn't-past-tense that bad but now he is... in which case, your reply should have been, 'Yup!', shouldn't it.

 

And, no, he's ISN'T "just" immature. We could ALL be "just immature", couldn't we, as we - armed with that free licence - beat someone up or kick puppies around the room or shake a baby OR COMMIT *THE* WORST AND MOST POTENTIALLY DEVASTATING SOCIETY-OF-TWO CRIME POSSIBLE! I say 'potentially' because although you "ain't ...bovvered!" - *he* wasn't to know that, was he. Know it, possibly. But know-know-KNOW it? Uh-uh. And people surprise you...ALL the time... which might have included YOU and how you reacted. You could have put 2 and 2 together, got your 4 (cheating and/or not interested in saving the marriage part) and flung yourself off Beachy Head by now.........mmmmmmmmmmmmight I remind you? Cos plenty do, missus, oh, yeah. Either that or the psychological version and turn zombie in some ward somewhere.

 

Not that bad my repulsed bottom!

 

I remember ages ago we had a conversation where we agreed that I had changed and he has not. He was all like "but I haven't changed at all" and I was thinking "neither have I - I have just matured" but how do you tell your husband you think he is immature? I did tell him once that I felt like I had 4 kids!

 

(And he was the youngest.) What did he say? (Did he say, 'Wibena! Want more Wibena!!'?)

 

Haven't sorted a solicitor yet (slap on wrist)

 

(with a still-live jellyfish) Porque no?/Pourquoi pas?/'Ere, whar no(t)?

 

I know I know I should have. I guess it makes it all too real. Argh so stupid that I still worry about hurting his bloody feelings! Not to self: stop prioritising him!

 

Squirt out another baby, it'll be less painful and laborious. Get this: the man who used to love you is GONE. To do what he has done to you, "Lady, never mind still love you... he doesn't even LIKE you!". He might still like you the once-friend, you the mother of his kids (although that's a bit hard to suggest going by his stood there dumb and watching instead of intervening, and his 'Butt out'), but you his lover? Disdain. Disrespect. Dislike. ("Blah-blah-blah, (hee-hee)". Geddit?)

 

Also thinking about the money side - but I will look into it.

 

Money side of hiring a solicitor? You don't need money. Your fees can be deducted out of your end settlement award. And any good solicitor will offer the initial 1hr consultation free-of-charge. If they don't, they're greedy busstuds so steer clear or they'll still be greedy busstuds come fee-generation (any excuse to fire a letter).

 

Had a bit of a down day yesterday

 

Yeah, I kinda gathered already from the entire tone of this post.

 

- was anxious about the whole C and Liam thing. Felt bad about "abandoning" Lauren and was just a bit "is this what my life has come to?" But it is all good - am just riding these things out.

 

Remember, the kids look to YOU about whether to get upset or not. They're OKAY. And FYI, boys feel deeper AND feel restrained societally against showing their feelings. It's the same rule as with a crash-scene medic: it's not the ones wailing and groaning and holding out their arms and hands that need the most help, it's the ones who aren't uttering or moving a peep.

 

Was weird coming home to an empty house when it is usually so full of life.

 

Ah, well, that's nothing to do with C, is it. It's about the house being uncharacteristically devoid of little feet (and bickering).

 

Pros and cons though - I missed my cuddles and laughter with the kids - felt a bit at a loose end. It was really nice though to have some time to myself - had a nice bath etc .

 

Brilliant comedy DVD followed by romcom (or something intelligent), box o chocs, pyjamas and duvet on the sofa, lots of fiddly, salted sunflower seeds, pause button and phone...

 

I actually slept pretty well last night. I have always been a terrible sleeper - find it hard to switch off. So when something disruptive happens it makes it even worse. Got about 6 1/2 hours straight last night which was awesome!

 

Ah. You dreamed a lot (despite you haven't remembered you did). That explains it.

 

I have a little story which illustrates C's immaturity.

 

Yeah, cos we really need ..SOMETHING... JUST SOMETHING TANGIBLE FOR ONCE, lol (scuse sarcasm).

 

Don't know why I am telling it really cos we already know but hey ho here it is.

 

Nah. I know what you're doing - cranking your turbo (anger) back up. Fine by me. ("Lady... he doesn't even LIKE you!") (;-))

 

When C said he was not sure about us continuing we had a week of absolute limbo where he would not allow me to touch him in any way even avoiding walking too close to me. Well after a couple of days of this he came home from work and went to give Lauren a cuddle. She did at first and then pulled away and the conversation went like this

 

L: I am not cuddling you anymore Daddy because you won't cuddle mummy.

 

C: oh L that makes me sad

 

Me: oh Lauren daddy loves you very much. Mummy and daddy are sorting our own things out but that doesn't mean you shouldn't cuddle daddy.

 

L: no mummy he is being really horrible to you and it's not fair. (She cuddles me and I mouth to C "don't worry she will ")

 

L: daddy that's it I am never cuddling you again until you start cuddling mummy again.

 

C: well I won't cuddle you either

 

AWW, FOR BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!

 

L: I don't care I don't want to cuddle you until you start being nice.

 

Lauren for Chief of Justice!!! ("Laau-REN, Laau-REN, Laau-REN!")

 

C: well I won't take you on days out then - I will just take the boys.

 

OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFFFFOOOOOOOH! (Gimmie the gun!!!!)

 

(I felt like slapping him in that moment - I mean - for God's sake!)

 

Yes. (sigh)

 

L: I don't care - take the boys - I will just stay home and do girly things with mummy - I love you mummy.

 

Oh, wow. Did I say Chief of Justice? I meant PRESIDENT!

 

Me to C: she is a 7 year old girl and she is struggling with this!

 

Very old head on those 7yr old shoulders, I must say.

 

I was just incredulous it was ridiculous.

 

That's about the size of it, yes. Look what you tolerated for all those years, eh? Surprised, now, that you managed it?

 

I should be fair a d counter it with something that happened with Joe and I (now Joe has always been completely a mummy's boy - so bonded to me it's unreal - It used to bother C but he got over himself).

 

Well, this is the interesting thing: little boys normally *are* more into mummy whereas the reverse is normally true of little girls and daddy....... air, hi q*eer, air!

 

Well when all this first happened we were putting the kids to bed and Joe was sitting on the loo. Conversation went:

 

Me: I love you Joe

J: well I hate you mummy

Me: oh Joe I hope not because I love you so much - I don't really believe that you hate me.

J: I hate you and I love daddy.

C: Joe don't talk to mummy like that. Mummy and Daddy are still united when it comes to you guys.

J: it was only a joke

C: well apologise and give mummy a kiss

J comes and cuddles me

Me: I love you so much, you are my champion (that's what I call him because he doesn't like "darling" or terms of endearment that he thinks are too girly)

 

(Who planted the idea that it was girlie?)

 

J: I love you too beautiful mummy.

 

So C did support me then - I was really surprised he did actually - he does have his moments!!!

 

Oh, yeah? You do surprise me. See, me I thought it had to have been non-stop hell for every minute of every day for all those years and years and that you had to be insane to have stayed with him for longer than a week. NOOOOT. This is the thing re having moments: it's about the light to dark ratio. It should be 70/30 to call the marriage good, 80/20 to be very good, 90/10 or above to be marital bliss. What is C's ratio (because so far, me I've seen 5/95 and even that is being generous)?

 

Don't know why I told all that - seen to have gone off on a tangent!

 

Because at the moment it's all feeling like too much like hard work and even harder to come so your mind wishes to believe it was better than it was so as to facilitate you reversing your tracks thus turning your back on what's to come/remove the barrier to going back. But the barrier is obviously real, warranted, sensible and wholly worthwhile.

 

Oi!

 

Are you Jewish? Strewth! LOL

 

Alright I know I am the one who married him heheehe must be a sucker for waifs and strays - ouch! (Slap on wrist number 2!)

 

Now let's take the comedy element out of that and hear it again:

 

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

I must be a sucker for waifs and strays.

 

[Catherine Tate's b*tchy office girl voice] "Yesss.... you.. MUST.., MUSN'T you".

 

I call it a sucker for the Poor Wickle Fings because [1] C is not a waif and [2] neither is he a stray. He has learned to operate as if he is a Poor Wickle Fing (pityyy mee mummyyyy, I caaan't heeelp iiiiit) because it's a common form of impregnable shield (Pitiful Victimhood) for the coward who hates confrontation thus can meanwhile slice safely at you with his super-sharp sword without worry of reprisals. Aka the passive-aggressive Victim Bully. If you totally ignore the mewling and meekly humble demeanour and 'anguished looks and tears' and just concentrate on examining the actions in isolation, they are heinous, malicious, vindictive but always, always... very, very petty. His crimes both proactive and reactive are always easily avoidable, always unnecessary, always easily stoppable and seek to do nothing but engineer unfairly towards solely his own interests no matter the cost, no matter that the damage impacts on what SHOULD be the sacrosanct. And now, lately, he is through his "meanness" endeavouring to communicate that he is USELESS as a parent in sole charge... "Oh, alright, then, I'll drop the reins again because you're clearly out of your depth where taking care of kids is concerned and I have to ensure the kids will always be okay" / "STUH-RIKE!!!".

 

He is a Player. But not a player who is after a self-reputation of Romeo or Adonis, just one who cheats at absolutely everything in life he can get away with cheating at rather than do the work required as includes adhering to moral decency because he is hell-benting on always winning any trophy but hell-bent on avoiding the qualifying rounds, the work part. He has been wearing this costume for YEARS, so much so that it's become a part of him by now. It was probably the only way he express his resentment towards and could score points off his mother, I shouldn't wonder.

 

He is damaged goods. You cannot fix DAMAGED GOODS. Some men slide into damaged goods mentally during a crisis or trauma but your own reports too comprehensively show without any shadow or doubt that he was ALWAYS damaged goods and the only thing that has changed to-date is your PERCEPTION (i.e. it has become freed up to see what *is* rather than what isn't ("At least he doesn't beat me") and what could be if you just-ooh-you-just try HARDER, be NICER, complain LESS, look the other way.....).

 

I don't regret our time together - and I will never say "I wish I never met him" etc. aside from anything else we made 3 amazing kids (and they really are - I am not biased at all honest !)

 

Aside from anything else which you cannot be arsed to mention despite you can be bothered to mention the kids. Go on, then - name me any 'anything else'?

 

Hmm I am waffling now! Feel a bit better today - going to work. I still have a stupid form to fill in when I get home and need to look into this legal stuff.

 

As for C - let him be a prat.

 

Letting or not letting is immaterial. Anyway, it's more his mother and whoever did such a good number on her and the him/her before her and before him/her and before. etc....that I have a problem with. NOT ONE of them stopped full-stopped the rot.

 

I am glad that I didn't do the completely wrong thing with Lauren yesterday morning aside from maybe giving her too much influence. It is hard to get the balance right sometimes .

 

It's even harder when you're packed chocka with confusing thoughts and emotional cocktails, hence the Kudos.

 

Life goes on hey!!

 

It does if you're a dyslexic horse, LOL.

 

Thanks nattersmatter - and thanks for your encouragement Nook!

 

De Nada. (..................) - He's asleep, LOL.

 

xoxo

 

PS:

 

Me, I have many faults

My ex has only 2

Everthing he say

And everything he do.

[Nattersmatter]

Forgot to say...

 

One thing Lauren said was "I can't tell you where we are going tomorrow. Daddy said not to tell you" I asked why and she said "we are going to Gemma's house" I asked why daddy didn't want her to tell me and she said she didn't know.

 

Gemma is a mutual friend. She used to go out with Chris' best mate about 12 years ago. Maybe she is Chris' affair. I don't think so though. She has 2 small kids and is pregnant with her 3rd. Her partner is Chinese so if this baby comes out not Chinese then I guess we will know! Nah I seriously doubt it. I think he does not want me to know they are going there because he wants to keep her as a friend so wants to get his side of the story accross first . I don't care - she isn't that close anyway.

 

Could be either. But with Mr Passive-Aggressive (Smiley Face, Stabbing Hand) Point Scorer, I'd have thought the fact he had been granted an audience would be something he'd want rubbed into your face, not kept away from it.

 

How come you dismissed Janine so instantly?

 

Could be someone you don't even know.

 

Whatever/whichever, Time will tell... the truth refuses to be kept buried.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Ermmmmmm something else other than the kids??? See now that's a bit unfair because of the way I am feeling right now - there definitely are things. I can think or things but they are more about the way he isn't rather than the way he is - example my mum used to say "you are lucky with C really because he doesn't go off out drinking all the time like some men do" I guess analysing that now it is obvious it came from her own experiences with my dad but at the time I used to think yes he is a good husband.

 

He always got me nice things on my birthday and brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. He was quite good with the housework - and did all the ironing all the time! He always told me he loved me and was not afraid of being affectionate. He used to make me laugh - I know (used to) he always complimented me on my looks - always and say I walked downstairs with no trouser on or something he would always comment appreciatively. Little things like that are nice.

 

There are lots and lots and lots of bad things I can list as I may do in a big rant post later (even though it will seem horrible maybe it will help me to get it out) but there are good things.

[Supersarahp]

Forgot to say...

 

 

 

Could be either. But with Mr Passive-Aggressive (Smiley Face, Stabbing Hand) Point Scorer, I'd have thought the fact he had been granted an audience would be something he'd want rubbed into your face, not kept away from it.

 

How come you dismissed Janine so instantly?

 

Could be someone you don't even know.

 

Whatever/whichever, Time will tell... the truth refuses to be kept buried.

 

xoxo

 

Hmmm Janine I don't think so. I know I know - could be etc but I really really would be surprised. Granted I have only known her for 2 1/2 years but she has become my best friend in that time. We have supported each other through the last few weeks - even longer I guess with one thing and another. I would be really upset if it was her.

[nookbridge]

The waves... oh the grief waves. You were in low tide. Everyone has nice qualities. Everyone has bad qualities. It's just, well, quality people know how to care.

 

These are the worst days. Hang in there, and focus on keeping your job, the kids and recollecting your friendships/family to reinforce your support network!

[nookbridge]

Forgot to say...

 

 

 

Could be either. But with Mr Passive-Aggressive (Smiley Face, Stabbing Hand) Point Scorer, I'd have thought the fact he had been granted an audience would be something he'd want rubbed into your face, not kept away from it.

 

How come you dismissed Janine so instantly?

 

Could be someone you don't even know.

 

Whatever/whichever, Time will tell... the truth refuses to be kept buried.

 

xoxo

 

I have to comment on this one, because this was a classic strategy my pops used to play. He had this tendency to openly seek sympathy, woe is me sentiment from the outside world to get people to feel bad about them. It really smells like it from far away. And it always seems that the affairs are from the people you would less expect - those closest to home. Imagine if you were to have an affair, would you put in a lot of work to find ANOTHER person (ie. get rejected by 20 people then find someone) or would you go to someone not too far away from your immediate circle - well, unless it's a hooker, and that also requires less work.