How do I heal when we have kids?

[Nattersmatter]

Something obviously went wrong there - the bottom half of my response got chopped off [scratches head] as well as my editing got lost. Damnit! I'll have to re-do the last half again. Ach!! xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

(Jeez, I had to rack my brains so as not to forget anything important from my previous draft)

 

 

(/...)

 

I'll have to be more succinct this time...

 

The day he said it was over we were talking a bit and he said that we hardly ever have sex and I said I knew it was a problem. I said I have been feeling really fat and unattractive (which is true as he lost weight while I gained it). He said he finds he is pleasuring himself more and more and it is getting ridiculous. He said it didn't matter to him that I had gained weight and he still found me attractive. He said whenever he tries to touch me intimately I act like I have an itch like it's a nuisance. I said I felt like my stomach was in the way and stuff and he said that was silly and he didn't care about that.

 

I see this: you state a crisis of confidence and his action goes: "Me. You. Me. Me. Me." Has he always been this self-centred or hadn't you noticed until recently (or at all)?

 

He's correct that men when aware a woman's given birth don't give two hoots about there being a mummy tummy, though. But he hardly tended to your cry for reassurance adequately, did he.

 

A couple of days after he ended things we were talking and I was saying how I would do anything to try to work things out. Just to kind of make light of the situation I said "I will give you a BJ everyday" and he lit up and said "that would be nice" and we laughed.

 

It's not a joking matter. And humorous hypotheticals don't count, here. You're looking for decisiveness... commitment - at least as far as general aim (reconciliation or irreconciliation). Note there was no such sentiment about willingness to do anything to work things out on his part.

 

He never stopped being loving towards me until the 28th when he stopped letting me cuddle him etc. Like I said a few posts back - he said he wanted to but couldn't. It felt to me like he put a barrier up and was scared of letting it down. Like he was scared if he let me in then I would hurt him (again??) I suggested being friends with benefits (as a kind of joke again) and he said he couldn't do that as it would mess his head up.

 

Can't? There's nothing stopping him! YOU'RE HIS *WIFE* FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!... or so you'd think. And for his information: SEX CALMS YOU *DOWN* AS WELL AS BRINGS YOU CLOSER AND INSTANTLY INCREASES HARMONY. His excuses are just that, Sarah. Excuses. This 'pressure, ooh, the pressure, I have to stay away from you as its source' holds very little water, especially when you consider he experienced FAR greater pressures in the years previous yet didn't have to scarper to his mother's any of those times.

 

With the boobs incident. To me it seemed like he was trying not to look. I don't know. When I lifted my top he just said "please Sarah" He looked like it was causing him distress in a way - I am not sure.

 

Picture the scene: you're in your first years and he catches a female friend or your sister, whom he doesn't fancy nor have feelings for, semi-naked, boobs out. Doesn't his total reaction with you fit that scenario perfectly? You can see it, can't you.

 

It screams, 'This is inappropriate!' despite there's nothing MORE appropriate between a man and his wife. Clearly in his mind you're no longer his wife, ergo it's no longer even a fraction appropriate. If he'd had months of zero boobs, he'd enjoy gawking at them. But they do nothing for him because they're not HERS.. to whom he's now transferred his sexual affections and on whom he doesn't want to cheat.

 

2 weeks ago when he told me he definitely was not coming back we had quite a long talk. He said he had been crying a lot by himself.

 

Awwww. Poor him. (And sod you.) What does he think you've been doing - throwing parties? Here's an idea to throw at him: How's about he moves back in and sets about fixing the marriage so that he no longer has any need to cry, least of all by himself? No? Doesn't want that? Gosh... what a mystery.

 

He's playing you. You have shown you buy this theory so he's using it to the hilt.

 

I said I still thought we were supposed to be together and he replied "well if we are then it will happen won't it?". He said he felt like he wanted to give me a hug but was worried about it. So I said well do then. So I hugged him and he hugged back but only with one arm.

 

Vague... Non-committal... Meaningless.

 

Only one arm. He can't even do it when challenged to because his hot air attempt failed, look. He's over you, Sarah, and I think because of that, you turn him OFF. (No reflection on you, btw.)

 

Up until the fateful 28th Dec he has slept in bed with me totally naked. So yes I have seen him naked right up to that point. I sleep in pyjamas or a t shirt usually. We have had plenty of naked cuddles right up until that date

 

But no sex.

 

So while the actual sex has dwindled there has always been some level of intimacy and that never changed.

 

But no sex.

 

Janine is my friend who I met when I worked nightshift. She is quite eccentric. She has just gone through a split of her own. She is always out looking for men etc. After this whole thing C said "I expect Janine will have you out on the pull" He said it with disdain. He also said he despises her. The reason she was on the night out was because she had been nagging me for ages. "are we going out at Christmas?" etc etc. C said she was a pain in the behind all night wanted to go to a place the rest did not want to.

 

Janine has no regard for convention, constitution or tradition(?). Janine is in a state of dis-anchoredness thus at DefCon 1 or 2 wherein one is highly insecure, still, and desperately needs the comfort and distraction from ones pain (as well as other reasons) of as many sh*gs as possible, and is a man-eater who comes on strong. And she is not exactly a friend, either... just a colleague and not a very long-term one at that (hence would have little sense of loyalty towards you). Prime candidate - either as predator or vulnerable prey to C's predator (even stevens, probably).

 

C WOULD say all of that as well as complain about her in a disparaging way. How better to keep you altogether off any scent. However, this is insufficient data (for you) so tell me more about Janine including what changes you've noticed in her including her habits and overall demeanour as well as attitude and movements towards/regarding you.

 

Also, when she said, 'are *we*' did you understand her to mean you *and* C?

 

With regards to Jonathan covering for C. I would be more shocked by that than by C cheating. I would trust Jonathan with my life. Seriously he would not cover up and lie like that I would bet my life on it. He did say that on the night out C told him that he feels like he can not do anything right when it comes to me.

 

Many a woman has been shocked and dismayed to find that a so-called mutual friend whom once was as equally loyal towards her has, via benefit of knowing or sensing that a division is imminent, chosen their side. Due to their own insecurity (not wanting to lose BOTH friends), they can start to hard-sell themselves via showing support or even doing otherwise risky favours.

 

Question: Was Jonathan ever playfully flirty towards you and did you by any chance repeatedly fail to respond adequately?

 

Also: Why did your husband even NEED to dial Jonathan on your mobile? Having smashed his own (how convenient), surely he went straight out to buy a replacement??? Have you seen none? If not, do you not see that as a little strange as well as highly useful if he's cheating when you cannot snoop nor demand to see a mobile that supposedly doesn't even exist?

 

Again - before he smashed it, what was his attitude towards his mobile in relation to you? Was he highly protective of what in the cheating context would be his and her precious lifeline?

 

I don't know - I am not saying he isn't cheating. I agree it is a real possibility and I accept that my vision is hugely clouded at the moment and I am probably in a state of denial.

 

Highly common, highly likely. It's a lot to take in. I hope I'm wrong but I'm finding it virtually impossible to find the idea of him NOT cheating plausible.

 

Could it be a possibility that he has just put this huge barrier up because he is fed up of being rejected sexually and that he is scared to look at my boobs for example because he is scared it will weaken his resolve that we are over?

 

Not at this late juncture, no. And how is you inviting then challenging him to snog and cuddle you as well as deliberately re-flaunting your boobs at him, you behaving like one who's likely to reject him? I call that a definite Come-On myself. He could more easily shag you BECAUSE he's now resolved that you're over whilst you're still under the impression there's hope. Nope, it's because he would be cheating on her. His resolve would have waned uncontrollably here and there on its own DESPITE his best efforts if he still fancied you and hadn't had any for months - because he's not Superman with resolve to match.

 

But if you're now so newly sure he's so resolved never to reconcile, then, that's good news because it means you can do what it takes to BOTH encourage him back whilst mentally and practically preparing for imminent divorce - via passivity, contrived responsiveness to any positive initiations by him combined with zero rising to any negative bait, knowing you have everything to gain in EITHER direction yet with nothing more to lose from here on in.

 

 

By the way, I couldn't help but notice that during that 'party' conversation it was both acknowledged and agreed EXPLICITLY that his mother is both attitidinally and operationally AGAINST YOU. 'Ganging up', you said. I thought you said you thought she liked you and which was something that was widely understood by all concerned? Error - Does Not Compute. Care to explain? Has there been some new development there?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

So nothing has happened with his mum. I guess I am just extremely wary of her and don't trust her one iota. I have seen her reaction to people who she perceives to not be on her side. She goes into full fight mode and becomes like this "no one crosses my family" type matriarch - forgetting the fact the the person who has damaged her family the most over the years is herself. I have seen her be duplicitous many many many times. I thought maybe she would be an asset to getting C back but now I am just going to keep her at arms length whilst remaining reasonable, courteous and polite. I suspect her friendliness towards me over this month has more to do with the fact that I hold the keys to her access to her grandchildren rather than any kind of loyalty to myself.

 

I have done ALOT of thinking and sould searching since yesterday and I am now convinced that my marriage is dead and has been for a long long time. I haven't properly loved C for over 4 years. I have wanted to, I have needed to, but I couldn't. I told myself I did, I buried it deep inside and put on a face but it came out in my behaviour towards him. I found EVERY little thing he did irritating. From the way he was with the kids to the way he sings to just everything. I was impatient and snappy to him because I was so so very frustrated. I made all the excuses under the sun and thought that in time things would improve. I was deluded. He knew this - on some level - he knew.

 

So yes massive wake up call.

 

Since he did this people have been telling me I am coping so so well. I think that is because I am not unhappy that he has gone. Not from my point of view. All the reasons I wanted / want him back are the wrong reasons.

 

1) I don't want my children to come from a broken home

2) I don't want to have difficulties with C over custody/ parenting

3) When he is "with" me I feel I have more control over C's behaviour

4) I don't like the thought of another woman playing "mother" to my kids

5) I was raised a Catholic and even though I know it is BS somewhere inside me feels like divorce = failure

6) I learned from my parents that marriage is sacred and no matter how bad or hard it gets you keep fighting to save it.

7) I don't know if I have the strength to go it alone

8) I feel ashamed to be a divorcee (this may be the same as 5)

9) I feel insecure without him because we were together for so long

10) a new life is exciting but also scary

11) I know life as a single mum will be hard - lots of responsibility

12) I miss him as a friend

13) habit

 

So yes - all the WRONG reasons.

 

I do have love for him but not the right type. I always thought when people said they loved someone but were not IN love that that was just a load of baloney but maybe thats what I mean?

 

I don't know. All I know now is that if he came back now I would take him back - because I am weak and for the wrong reasons. I don't want him to ask to come back now - I know it is wrong.

 

That is very very hard to admit and I have no idea what my future holds. I am very scared but also feel relieved.

[Supersarahp]

And despite my last post and feeling ok all day suddenly I am crashing down down down again and it is like a fresh wave of some kind of bereavement and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach and I can't breathe. I know I need to go through this process to come through the other side but I wish I could fast forward am go straight to - moved on feeling ok

[Supersarahp]

I think it is cos even though things have not been "right" for a long time I always believed we would work it out and I always tried to talk about it and he NEVER would. I tried so many times and he just wouldn't get into it and always said everything was ok. I find that hard - I think we should have tried harder - gone to counselling got some support. I have lots of regrets but I guess it takes two people to make it work. I had the desire to recapture the love but he would never acknowledge it was in any way lost. Oh well it's all irrelevant now I guess - he has thrown it away.

[nookbridge]

I think it is cos even though things have not been "right" for a long time I always believed we would work it out and I always tried to talk about it and he NEVER would. I tried so many times and he just wouldn't get into it and always said everything was ok. I find that hard - I think we should have tried harder - gone to counselling got some support. I have lots of regrets but I guess it takes two people to make it work. I had the desire to recapture the love but he would never acknowledge it was in any way lost. Oh well it's all irrelevant now I guess - he has thrown it away.

 

You can't really work on something without applying some attention to it. If something doesn't seem right and you don't do anything at all, it's just going to make things worse. Static is never the answer, because things are inherently dynamic. Problems never just work themselves out, they require action. The "wish we would've got counselling" line is so typical after everything is done - in the end, you didn't, but counselling for yourself, in this time of need and grieving, is something you should definitely consider to get over this relationship and possibly open the doors to entering a new relationship some time in the future. It takes two yes, but it also requires the work of both individuals, pulling in the same direction, for things to work. I'm sure Nattersmatter will come in here and say something a lot more eloquent to stick the point, but take a good amount of time for yourself to internalize everything before you do anything too drastic that you might regret.

[Supersarahp]

I am not sure what you mean by "before you do something you might regret" nook bridge? And I did try to do something about it. I tried to talk to him over and over and over again. I asked him to go to counselling but he refused - he buries his head in the sand and said everything was ok. About a year ago we had a big argument and he walked out and I couldn't contact him - he was gone for a few hours - when he returned he said he had gone to a motorway bridge and climbed over the barrier with the intention of jumping off. I begged him then for us to seek help but he wouldn't - I begged him to explain to me what made him feel so bad but he wouldn't. Every time I tried to open him us he just closed himself even further. If I so much as voiced a disagreement he would walk out of the door and be gone for ages. I don't know what else I could have done.

[nookbridge]

I didn't know the whole details then before commenting. If you truly feel there is nothing in your heart you could've done, then there are no regrets. I used to be the immature baby that would run away from disagreement, so I know he doesn't do it because he doesn't love you. He doesn't have the maturity level yet, or the tools. Some of is his fault as an adult, some of it is his upbringing. There's not much you can do that be supportive, if he wants to change and you want this man as your lover.

 

But don't see this as the ultimate failure, as much as it's so easy to do. You can't reach success without failure, and you'll learn from this!

[Nattersmatter]

So nothing has happened with his mum. I guess I am just extremely wary of her and don't trust her one iota. I have seen her reaction to people who she perceives to not be on her side. She goes into full fight mode and becomes like this "no one crosses my family" type matriarch - forgetting the fact the the person who has damaged her family the most over the years is herself. I have seen her be duplicitous many many many times. I thought maybe she would be an asset to getting C back but now I am just going to keep her at arms length whilst remaining reasonable, courteous and polite. I suspect her friendliness towards me over this month has more to do with the fact that I hold the keys to her access to her grandchildren rather than any kind of loyalty to myself.

 

Well, the fact of the matter is, that should have been news to him. Yet his reaction (failure to refute) shows, oh, no, it wasn't! So you are obviously correct in your suspcion (and mine).

 

"forgetting the fact the the person who has damaged her family the most over the years is herself". And now her mini-me. When I stand right back from this, I see this: [1] He tries rebellion against 'mother's ways' (goes to you/your family/your ways)....[2] but cannot drop the bad habits ingrained into him during his formative years... [3] which obviously proves non-conducive to lasting good marital relations, particularly with a type like you versus a .... [4] so he increasingly reaps what he sows (you fall out of romantic love with him despite trying to 'make' him make you love him again) - so it's (mum's thinking) your fault, your family's way's fault, your way has failed... [5] so it's back to mum (his first wife) and mum's way.

 

Thanks to the way she treated him during and since her divorces, he became her 2nd husband. He left his first wife for you......and now has gone back to his first wife. Berbom. What a stupid, stupid, weak and selfish mother to have done that to her own son. His entire family line's rotten legacy continues like the pass-the-parcel it is (yet - if you stay strong - stops FULL stops with YOUR kids.)

 

I have done ALOT of thinking and sould searching since yesterday and I am now convinced that my marriage is dead and has been for a long long time. I haven't properly loved C for over 4 years. I have wanted to, I have needed to, but I couldn't. I told myself I did, I buried it deep inside and put on a face but it came out in my behaviour towards him. I found EVERY little thing he did irritating. From the way he was with the kids to the way he sings to just everything. I was impatient and snappy to him because I was so so very frustrated. I made all the excuses under the sun and thought that in time things would improve. I was deluded. He knew this - on some level - he knew.

 

Things would have been fixable, possibly, had he not decided the best solution to one recipe on cooking range A having gone a bit lumpy thus requiring salvaging was simply to fire up another range and start another recipe from scratch, whilst effectively abandoning the original range and recipe whereby it got even more lumpy as well as started to burn and catch on fire....whereupon he is now refusing to turn off the hobs, set aside any food still edible, remove the pans, scrape the burnt bits off the pans, wash them up, and remedy the situation using what was salvaged. What a plonker.

 

He knew and he did nothing because he hadn't been taught by his mother HOW to do anything about anything or even how to WANT to or TO want to in the first place.... hence his "brilliant" (lazy) solution. You can't nail jelly to the ceiling.

 

You were your own plonker, obviously, because it takes two to tango (despite it takes one to choose the music and lead). But you didn't then reduce yourself by chopping off one of his feet, smashing the record player to pieces, and then abandoning the dance hall as well as leave the audience (kids) without the show they were long promised; despite you didn't or couldn't handle him well, you were willing to try to resuscitate the situation once it emerged properly and altogether visibly.

 

You live and learn and the apply those lessons whereby everything gets better and better (if you're mentally hard-working enough and had benefit of good rearing enough).

 

So yes massive wake up call.

 

Massive reality-crash-and-slap. But huge pain is a process that ends in huge gain. You'll see. This will be your salvation. Your re-birth. It'll eventually become an additional anniversary that you pop open the champagne for. He's done you a huge favour (which you'll see in a couple of years from now, maybe sooner, considering you're such a fast processor).

 

Since he did this people have been telling me I am coping so so well.

 

You seem to be coping gobsmackinglywell, never mind 'so'! But don't take that as your cue to make it your 'bar'. There will be bad days as well as good still to come...and both are vital in this whole process; in fact, the bad days are the ones that do such amazing things to and for future you. It requires a lot of non-stop adaptation and re-learning, you AND your mini-mes. Baby steps...

 

I think that is because I am not unhappy that he has gone. Not from my point of view. All the reasons I wanted / want him back are the wrong reasons.

 

1) I don't want my children to come from a broken home

2) I don't want to have difficulties with C over custody/ parenting

3) When he is "with" me I feel I have more control over C's behaviour

4) I don't like the thought of another woman playing "mother" to my kids

5) I was raised a Catholic and even though I know it is BS somewhere inside me feels like divorce = failure

6) I learned from my parents that marriage is sacred and no matter how bad or hard it gets you keep fighting to save it.

7) I don't know if I have the strength to go it alone

8) I feel ashamed to be a divorcee (this may be the same as 5)

9) I feel insecure without him because we were together for so long

10) a new life is exciting but also scary

11) I know life as a single mum will be hard - lots of responsibility

12) I miss him as a friend

13) habit

 

So yes - all the WRONG reasons.

 

I'll address those points for you.

 

No, you're not unhappy, are you - that was obvious from the start, actually. You were FAR too clear-thinking, comprehensive and articulate by DefCon-ed standards (plus, you didn't get arsey with me even once, LOL). But wanting to keep your kids' father around is not a wrong reason in itself, it just clashes horribly with the need for the primary relationship's emotional cessation and removal and can mar the child-parent relationship. Kids when approaching teenage years need to see a mother and father in LOVE. So, really, where salvaging ISN'T possible or sensible, it's better that you then leave their hawk eyes and sponge brains to look to relationships OUTSIDE of the house and that ARE healthy (relatives', for example) than get mis-programmed by an unhealthy model that's in-house.. there on a plate.

 

(I would always prefer one to TRY to save and improve any relationship as a first option, though, obviously, to avoid the major disruption to the kids. However, given all the new and fuller data, it really doesn't look as if he was ever going to make that do-able, let alone successfully. Not at this juncture, anyway.)

 

This is a common fear (irrational). It's not POSSIBLE for the role of mother to be played because it is NOT a *role*. It involves a role but that role means nothing without the identity, to a child. It's imperative. Any future step-mum will just do "things that my mum does (but mum does them better)". See the difference? Your kids are programmed to love you best, always, ever, OVER ANYONE IN THE WORLD, and to be fiercely SUBJECTIVELY AND OBJECTIVELY loyal to you, and it's so impossible to overcome that core programming that not even a mother beating her kid regularly to a pulp will make running away do-able without serious emotional disturbance. Only where things become so bad in such extremis for so long that the mum switches to representing ANTI-survival will it become do-able. So even if the step-mum or gf makes better fairycakes or is more huggy than you - NO CONTEST - she will still secretly be viewed only as daddy's lady friend (and not even of their choosing). "Nothing compares 2U" - in this case, LITERALLY. You, meanwhile, get yourself the free-of-charge co-childminder you always so desperately needed (hooorayyy!).

 

Focus on the positives because there are far many more, plus children can handle anything, permanently, if mum is okay about it.

 

You won't be going it alone (as above added to the fact you'll become orientated towards other divorced mums as a supportive network). Plus, you have one large-one less on your To Nurture list. Plus your kids are getting older/more self-sufficient/easier. Plus this experience will make you even stronger and more capable.

 

You won't have realised this but the reason you always felt overloaded was because your marriage wasn't right, not because you were overloaded. Diff/all the diff. Same goes for you thinking you feel insecure because you're without him right now. It's actually because you're INSUFFICIENTLY (or MIDWAY) without him yet. In the same way that you don't feel so bad now, this will grow to become . Your confidence will slowly but surely soar.

 

This, at the moment, is like when you're stood waiting for a starter gun to go off. You want the race and the trophy at the end really badly but that doesn't stop you feeling wrong and bad as you await said shot to get fired. You then (like everyone) attribute this discomfort to not wanting the race as much as you'd thought.

 

Failure is a component in the process called Succeeding. And if you get UP after falling down, failure can never become a STATE, just a life tool.

 

As explained (re staying passively accepting and sad): Even if you head for divorce, that doesn't mean you're not simultaneously fighting for the marriage; you are just refusing to stay in paralysis thus taking the ONLY path open to you. Because saving now relies on HIM - HE'S seen to that... he's tied your hands....in which case, so be it... let's see what he's made of at Crunch Time, then (or not).

 

Today is your new life. How scary and non-doable IS it? (Not very exciting YET, granted... but it's en route... give it a chance, it's just pulling out of the station). Next month you'll find you have ANOTHER new life.... then ANOTHER....and so on... until the new life takes a seat whereupon you can see what it's like from all angles and levels... but even then, you'll still be getting NEW new lives, as you go, day by day by day... That's how it works - because there IS no terminus (except for death, which is YOU getting off the train, not the train getting off you).. it's one long train ride with differing scenery and very brief pauses (stations).

 

Today is the future you were so anxious about a couple of years back, a decade back. Big deal. Imaginations have a lot to answer for. ;-)

 

You can keep him as a friend if you want. But you probably won't want. This was no amicable and unavoidable parting, was it. You're just still holding your current and past want. It'll be shed. You'll realise he's not as intelligent or capable as you where concerns relationships including friendships and his allure even as a friend will seriously pale. He will become just your kids' father... your male, free-of-charge (okay enough) nanny.

 

It was a bad habit. It was, by the sounds of it, a bad habit right from The Off but which wasn't quite visible enough without the benefit of a LOT of passing of time plus hindsight. Anyway that relationship is dead and buried already. The only options remaining are to start a new relationship with him in the future or start a new relationship (once you've adapted to the stable/ongoing parts of your ever renewing new life) to A N Other (which you will unless you try EXCEPTIONALLY hard to resist).

 

But these aren't wrong reasons. He has chosen to MAKE them wrong. They are in fact all proofs that you were base programmed healthily where being capable of a good relationship is concerned. You might need to tweak the finer details here and there, possibly not, but the working base programme is in that entire list.

 

I do have love for him but not the right type. I always thought when people said they loved someone but were not IN love that that was just a load of baloney but maybe thats what I mean?

 

Yup.

 

I don't know.

 

Yes you do. But you can't grasp and put into words. You're programmed to know. You're an NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNth generation upgrade, doncha know. If you were a manufactured commodity like a sophisticated robot would be, how much do you reckon you'd cost? (rsvp)

 

All I know now is that if he came back now I would take him back - because I am weak and for the wrong reasons. I don't want him to ask to come back now - I know it is wrong.

 

It's wrong that you don't want him to ask, now, or it's wrong to take back? Or both?

 

That is very very hard to admit and I have no idea what my future holds. I am very scared but also feel relieved.

 

It holds Better. (And as above.)

 

We amazing, live, self-upgrading machines have evolved to be so thanks exclusively to our intelligence. And from what I've seen, yours is up there with some of the very best. You'll be MORE than utterly, utterly fine, and I'll make a serious monetary bet with you on that, if you like?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: Another plus: You won't feel forced to deal with things under the table any more, either. xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

And despite my last post and feeling ok all day suddenly I am crashing down down down again and it is like a fresh wave of some kind of bereavement and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach and I can't breathe. I know I need to go through this process to come through the other side but I wish I could fast forward am go straight to - moved on feeling ok

 

You can't. If you did somehow take any short-cut, you'd get to a year from now and curse yourself because you'd see you had to go back to Square Whatever and re-do it all over again. This is childbirth, Sarah. Massive, massive, newborn from a massive, massive womb. Every contraction is one less out of a finite number. HOORAY, YOU NOW HAVE ANOTHER ONE LESS TO GO!

 

It is bereavement. But the corpse isn't material. It's psychological. For every element made manifest in the environment, it's origin is the mind.

 

Don't fight the contractions, Sarah. Remember how they're far worse when you do that? Remember how it makes the whole birthing process longer? Remember that it upsets you? Do your breathing exercises. Breeeaaathe.... PHOO-PHOO-PHOOOOOOOO.... one less..... one less..... one less...... Less painful than the last... less painful than the last.......

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Don't forget to rest and sleep between contractions. xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

(Thanks Nookie

[Supersarahp]

I am actually started to bloody despise him already - my biggest fear is him fighting me over the kids. I am going to get some legal advice ASAP and start being less accommodating because so far he has walked all over me.

 

I don't understand his whole "I will do a party with you but need my mum there for moral support" what the hell is all that about???? Screw that - I agreed to that because I wanted us to be able to play happy families for the kids' sake but that ain't gonna happen.

 

I am going to tell him we can do separate parties for Liam and I am going to change the locks in my house because he for some reason won't give me my key back!

 

I at this juncture do not trust a single thing he says! He is a selfish selfish person and gives not one hoot to my feelings (or the kids). When he doesn't have then he does not even ring to say hello. He returned them to me on the weds evening - and we did not hear from him until the following Tuesday morning - what a loving father hey?

 

Up until now he has had me dangling on a string ready to do his every bidding - he thinks I am still like that - well he is in for a shock.

 

I have to accept that he is not the man I thought he was or hoped he was and of he is trying to take my kids then that make him the enemy.

 

I need to get smart about this and bloody quick. I am far far more intelligent than he is (sorry but it is a fact) but he is more conniving and has at least one month head start - time for me to catch up.

 

Good luck C and your mum - you think I am weak because I cry and because I care. You think because I see the good in people and I hope for the best that you can screw me over. Well you'll learn!

 

Nattersmatter again thank you so much - I would have come to this point eventually but it would have taken a Lot longer and who knows what damage would have been done by then. Mark my words he is trying to build a case to get the kids - I am convinced of it.

[Supersarahp]

And one other thing is - that when his mum text me saying she wanted to treats the kids for nits it immediately made me suspicious - like she was collecting evidence or something . I may be wrong - maybe just paranoid but forewarned is forearmed I guess an it won't hurt to be prepared for the battle should it arise.

[Supersarahp]

His mum just called me to say she has bought some clothes for Liam for his birthday. She was all "hello sweetheart are you alright flower?" I said I wanted to talk to her about Liam's party and she seemed to know nothing about it. So I explained that C may be asking her to come a chaperone. I said I would be having a tea party at home on his actual birthday and she was welcome as was C although I know he won't come. I told her that C is not coming back (not from my side from his side) and that she should be aware of that. She started crying and said she was very sad and didn't want any of this and sometimes she wonders why she was born at all. I said we would stay on good terms and she agreed. ( I am keeping as civil to her as possible while she is being amicable to me but I am under no illusions - friends close enemies closer)

[Nattersmatter]

I am actually started to bloody despise him already - my biggest fear is him fighting me over the kids. I am going to get some legal advice ASAP and start being less accommodating because so far he has walked all over me.

 

LOL, no, you're NOT starting to "bloody despise him". You've secretly bloody despised him (or that side of him) for YEARS already but your mind couldn't afford to let you realise it because there was, so you thought, so much to lose if you had (like a father for your kids - as the fact the first four items on your list being all about the kids demonstrates). It's called Minimising, and without it you'd have to have bailed out or gone half-mad with the chronic misery. Now you're out, where it's perfectly safe to feel your true feelings.

 

But, hey - you chose him. And you did that because he was being victimised and bullied and needed rescuing. Had that not happened, you'd have had the proper amount of time in which to decide whether he was worth glueing yourself to, rather than it having been the premature decision it was. So now you've found out what happens when we don't take enough time to select the correct mate in the first place.

 

He can fight as much as he likes over the kids but he won't get anywhere; any case will get thrown out based on the fact you're not a total, drug addicted mess of an unfit mother. This is HIS insecurity at work, hence he'll be trying hard to ingratiate himself with the kids and get them into the habit of relying on him so that even if you DO (as he paranoically fears) try to turn them against him, they'll override you.... plus, nor will they decide for themselves not to see him. This is typical 'newly estranged father' behaviour. YOU YOURSELF ARE SAFE.

 

The long pent-up anger's coming out, now. Anger at him and anger at yourself (for having allowed it) as well as life, the universe and everything. At the moment you're like a blind woman whom, thinking she's just been manipulated over a cliff edge that leads to nowhere but fatal rocks below, is yelling, 'It's not fair!', little realising she's headed down towards a nice bouncy, comfy pile of banknotes bathed in sunshine (at the bottom of which is a REAL man (phwooar!) just waiting to gradually surface). It's just that on the way down, there are a few branches that scratch at you and the falling itself is highly discombobulating. In actual fact, you're not even falling down, you're falling UP. Trust me - women who come out of divorces smelling of roses have one thing in common that those who end up miserable and worse off don't - POSITIVITY. In the same way that, People treat you as badly as you let them, you are as happy in life as you let you.

 

Don't hate yourself for having allowed yourself to be walked all over. You did what you had to do, tolerated what you had to tolerate, for the sake of your kids' welfare and what you THOUGHT was required to protect it. You just didn't get "BOTH" of what you wanted. Women rarely do because they HAVE these non-self-serving considerations in their way. But with the next man, you won't. Aside from being a nice older man for your kids to like and look up to, he'll be heaven-made for you.

 

Your ex2b did you a FAVOUR by panicking and losing his head at the sight of the fresh corpse on the floor rather than having started CPR. You just haven't had time, obviously, to get with the programme yet in order to appreciate that.

 

I don't understand his whole "I will do a party with you but need my mum there for moral support" what the hell is all that about???? Screw that - I agreed to that because I wanted us to be able to play happy families for the kids' sake but that ain't gonna happen.

 

Because there will be other mothers and fathers there who might look at daggers at him, particularly now that he doesn't have YOU to protect him. You'll get to play happy families again when this split has finished its splitting. But not now, not yet.

 

I am going to tell him we can do separate parties for Liam and I am going to change the locks in my house because he for some reason won't give me my key back!

 

If you change the locks, bear in mind he has (don't get me started!) the legal right to break a window to gain access and that it could end up in the legal file as gets read by the judge prior to each hearing...and your aim is to be squeaky-clean to his dirty-poo. HOWEVER, that's only if you're refusing him even access by appointment (at your convenience) to see the kids or collect his stuff. He has no right to just enter using said keys, you're quite correct; he's now down to "co-, non-live-in landlord only" status. HOWEVER... oops - you lost your keys and they had your address on them, oops... so you HAD to change the locks and, well... you didn't see any need to issue HIM any new ones, did you? [insert halo] Sorry, his-solicitor, sorry, him, but, hey, sh*t happens.

 

I at this juncture do not trust a single thing he says! He is a selfish selfish person and gives not one hoot to my feelings (or the kids).

 

He wasn't the most unselfish person to begin with, was he (thanks mum-in-law and granny/grandad-in-law and all his ancestors but, anyway, he can't AFFORD to consider and tend to other people's feelings because he's in crisis - extra needy yet extra incapable of taking care of even HIMSELF. So, it's not about 'hoot'. It's about 'ker-poot'. But yes, he's not in a position where you can trust him, correct again.

 

When he doesn't have then he does not even ring to say hello. He returned them to me on the weds evening - and we did not hear from him until the following Tuesday morning - what a loving father hey?

 

Mm-hm - correct. And this sowing he will eventually reap. It's not your problem or your kids' problem unless you signal to them that they should see it as a problem and react accordingly. It'll serve you well, future-wise, to help them to understand that he's 'half-kaput' daddy at the moment because he's so upset, hence not to expect much more than 'half-daddy' for a wee while. If you don't - if you allow your kids to take it all badly, they will suffer and go into crisis themselves, and not just at this age but as they enter next phases where they become aware of more facts and states about life. (Have you done those Suggestion Boxes yet?)

 

Up until now he has had me dangling on a string ready to do his every bidding - he thinks I am still like that - well he is in for a shock.

 

LOL. We can HEAR how much of a shock he's in for, actually. Still - fairenoughski - his bed, his bedsprings poking into his back, eh. These consequences are part of the smacked bottoms that teach us NOT to ever do that (or do that LIKE that) again. Ever.

 

I have to accept that he is not the man I thought he was

 

He never was. It was like this: you thought he was a carpenter who had a chisel, etc. Then it came to carpentry time...... No chisel, no carpentry skills. You thought he was a plumber who had all the plumbing tools. Then the pipes burst........ No plumbing tools. ...Et-cetera. If only you'd needed that cabinet back then and if only your pipes had burst BEFORE you'd signed on the dotted line, eh. But life isn't like that, which is WHY we have to be like Simon Cowell and make them audition for the job - singing this low, this high, this loud, this soft, every song possible at the time - and until they sweat blood. But circumstances (his needing to flee) conspired against you- STRIKE - you let circumstances represent your short-cut. You won't do that ever again. Your next fella is going to sweat blood (and LOVE IT).

 

or hoped he was and of he is trying to take my kids then that make him the enemy.

 

He's not going to get the kids.

HE'S not going to get the kids.

He's NOT going to get the kids.

He's not GOING to get the kids.

He's not going to GET the kids.

He's not going to get THE KIDS.

 

What is he not going to get?.....

 

I need to get smart about this and bloody quick.

 

Stop panicking or you'll be good for very little. You have no need to panic about it. You have every need NOT to panic about it.

 

I am far far more intelligent than he is (sorry but it is a fact)

 

I know.

 

but he is more conniving and has at least one month head start - time for me to catch up.

 

He can connive in a secluded and private society of two but he cannot connive outside of it, trust me. And judges DESPISE people who connive for the purposes of avoiding what is JUST. Judges may not be able to rule BASED ON but they're only human and bloody well will, regardless. If he even tries, it'll not only be futile but will be an own goal. Yes, get that FL solicitor... and start communicating with him NOT by phone but by email. Keep to small talk at the door so that everything HAS to go in email. You then can copy to your solicitor whichever emails show him up to the court. That will save you money out of your final settlement AND demonstrate to the court that you had your kids' welfare-via-wealth constantly in mind through the fact that any stiff letter can be done by you on YOUR time, then just copied to your solicitor who has only to type a quick cover letter before sending it to his solicitor. Anyway... horse before cart - get that solicitor's appointment for the confidence and total ease of mind it'll give you, and I'll give you all the zillions of tips as you go from there, about how to 'battle' and win where/if a man is trying to play dirty in any way. No need to panic.

 

Good luck C and your mum - you think I am weak because I cry and because I care. You think because I see the good in people and I hope for the best that you can screw me over. Well you'll learn!

 

Yes, they will. And - put beautifully. Silly types like them see what are strengths as WEAKNESSES because *they* only get those sorts of tools (which aren't genuine versions) out for BAD reasons (manipulating their own way), so they assume a kind, generous, nurturing, accommodating, good-hearted person who's NOT out to take advantage as either a SOP or someone who must only be trying to GET something... giving in order to get. Give someone like that a Just Because gift and they turn around, eyes slitted, and say, 'What's this for? Hmmmmmmmm, what are you after?'

 

Nattersmatter again thank you so much - I would have come to this point eventually but it would have taken a Lot longer and who knows what damage would have been done by then. Mark my words he is trying to build a case to get the kids - I am convinced of it.

 

You're bloody welcome! I'm not going to be one of those people who manages to dodge an open manhole but who then saunters off rather than concertedly warns other pavement users, but this requires those other pavement users to BLOODY LISTEN and TRUST that what you're trying to warn them over is real. So, you see, being trusting is NOT a bad thing. It's only a bad thing when with someone who's out to exploit that good quality of yours or use it against you.

 

...Right Qualities & Behaviour, WRONG RECIPIENT. That's what it was. But - that being the type of jungle HE lives and operates according to - it probably feels like that for HIM, too (i.e. you're the wrong recipient). So who is right, here? Easy: whomever operates in a way that ENHANCES chances of survival for OTHERS, not just themselves. Dat be you, dat be...and what goes around, comes around. You'll get your comes around financially in court. And then Fate will wait for the right moment to do the emotional justice bit. That's how it goes.

 

xoxo

 

 

PS: Don't be so daft about the collecting of nits evidence. Nits go for CLEAN hair! Hell, I hope she IS thinking she's collecting evidence for a case because then she'll have to suffer seeing his solicitor trying desperately not to burst out laughing when approached with it!!

[Nattersmatter]

I agree the woman is toxic but she probably won't be AWARE that she is. She's just the weak type who, because she is in the mood to hate the world, chooses a target and sprews poison about them, without any inkling that it actually matters and does damage. All those times she yelled at and threatened her son with eviction, etc., will have just been her taking her moodies out on him because he was THERE...too immature to appreciate its effect on him. She'll reap what she sowed (her mistakes, her inability to conduct herself like a grown adult), sure, but she's not Cruella De Vil who is fully knowingly out to get this/that person. She's undoubtedly started to get some elusive sense of it all, I imagine - hence is now showing her guilty conscience through being extra nice to you, and hence... note her statements: I didn't want ANY of this = I didn't realise what I was doing, this wasn't my aim, and I wonder why I was born at all = Because I'm USELESS!

 

That may be as close to an acknowledging and apology you ever get but - who knows?... maybe this is finally the reality-slap and bottom spank she always needed?

 

There again - what with you about to inherit all the power - especially where she's concerned (lone keeper and boss of the kids) - she's probably (oops-sh*t!) thought ahead to all those future occasions where she'll want to see her grandkids, so, yes... best to take all this sugar and spice with a pinch of salt until you see firm, consistent ACTIONS rather than what could be just hot-air bum-licking.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

This made me properly laugh - first time in a while. I guess he isn't going to get the kids hey? Why do I feel sorry for him? Argh - gotta get out of that mindset. I'm not gonna be a cow about all this - just ensure I am not trampled on and that he plays fair.

 

I won't change the locks but I will get his key back - he doesn't need to be in this house when I am not here.

Hmm got a problem though. His mum takes the kids to school for me most Mondays - I leave for work at 7.15am - if she is in my house then she will need a key.

 

I will get that legal advice ASAP - was going to go citizens advice bureau today but I had to go and fetch my brother from hospital with my dad as he has had an eye operation.

 

I've had such a positive day - I still have the churned up feeling and the mild panic moments and I guess that will be there for a good while yet but overriding that is a huge sense of peace calm and liberation.

 

There is a long road ahead - but hey who cares? I have my wings back!

[Nattersmatter]

This made me properly laugh - first time in a while. I guess he isn't going to get the kids hey? Why do I feel sorry for him? Argh - gotta get out of that mindset. I'm not gonna be a cow about all this - just ensure I am not trampled on and that he plays fair.

 

No, he's definitely not going to get the kids. And whilst I'm at it, in case I forget: he's not going to get the kids. LOL Anyway, he doesn't need kids. He's already got one. Didn't you know? Oh, yes...one he sees every morning and night in the bathroom (LOL, I'm so funnay).

 

I won't change the locks but I will get his key back - he doesn't need to be in this house when I am not here.

 

He "might have lost them" thus is unable to return them. I would change the locks if I were you.

 

Hmm got a problem though. His mum takes the kids to school for me most Mondays - I leave for work at 7.15am - if she is in my house then she will need a key.

 

Can't you take them yourself? If not, are you saying you leave at 7.15 and she arrives some time after??? Sarah, I hope not because unless your kids are all 12 and over, that's illegal (and DOES count as ammunition). Or do you mean you let her in but she needs a key because it's one of those that has no latch and is therefore close-able only when the lock gets turned? You need her key back, too, for obvious reasons, so I would find a way around this if I were you... like a trusted mum of one of your kids' schoolfriends?

 

I will get that legal advice ASAP - was going to go citizens advice bureau today but I had to go and fetch my brother from hospital with my dad as he has had an eye operation.

 

Law Society. Or ask around. Recommendation is best, anyway (if you ensure it comes from a divorced woman whose lifestyle matched yours). What about that woman you spoke to on the phone? I'll bet she'd know.

 

I've had such a positive day - I still have the churned up feeling and the mild panic moments and I guess that will be there for a good while yet but overriding that is a huge sense of peace calm and liberation.

 

Good stuff!

 

The churned-up feeling will definitely pass. But if not, get some EPA Omega 3 Fish Oil capsules - as pure as poss, free from trace metals - (4-6 per day according to angst level), and B Vitamins from your local healthfood store. Zinc also (- studies have just shown that it reverses the reduction of hippocampal BDNF (Brain-derived Neurotrophic Factor) caused by chronic unpredictable stress, which is imperative for higher learning and memory (staying extra canny)... and Magnesium wouldn't hurt, either (for sleeping better and preventing stress-related abdominal fat laying). But definitely those magic EPAs so that you don't get stressed again in the first place. Better than Prozac, they are (plus drowsiness not a factor). Oh, and stay off the booze if you can. Plus, if you don't feel like eating sit-down meals nor cooking for yourself, invest in healthy snacks put in bowls strewn around the downstairs that you can just grab handfuls of as you wander from room to room whenever you get hunger pains (olives stuffed with anchovy, cornichons, pickled onions, peanuts, raw carrot chunks, Cadbury's Fruit 'n Nut chocolate chunks, Babybel cheeses, grilled Balsamic-sprinkled seeds, raw jelly cubes...that sort of thing). Otherwise, smoothies alternated with hot Bovril are good if you can only manage liquids on your dire days.

 

There is a long road ahead - but hey who cares? I have my wings back!

 

Ku-DOS, high FIIIIVE!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

By the way, did you note the action in your MIL's phonecall(, ....sweetie, flower, hunny-bunny-boo-boos-oh-yesh-you-ish, LOL)?

 

You say, basically, my marriage is over. And her reaction was this:

 

"Boo-hoo, poor meeeee!".

 

Notice that? Me, I wouldn't have been able to resist... I'd have said something like, 'Oh! Aren't I insensitive! - he's divorcing YOU... Tsk!..I didn't REALISE, I thought it was ME...cuh! Oh, you poor thing....Want I come to see a solicitor with you?...And you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?'

 

(Nuff said, eh.)

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

God no I would never leave my kids unattended - I leave after she arrives but the door needs to be locked from the outside - hmmm what a pain - my mum can do it but at 73 I don't like to put too much on her.

 

I actually have a friend (not close but close enough) who is a family law solicitor. Don't like to ask (mixing business with pleasure etc)

 

You are spot on about MIL - I think that is why I have conflicting feelings about her - she is awful but seems oblivious to it.

 

I will definitely get some of those supplements and I also got the book Too good to leave/ too bad to stay - haven't had a chance to read it yet but will do. Read the first few pages and it looks like it will be very helpful.

 

It's really true that I feel down due to not moving forward rather than losing what I had. When I do something constructive I feel brilliant . I helped my friend paint her kids' bedroom the other day and it was really good. Yesterday just ordering a new mattress lifted my spirits. Today I got an aerial man out to fix the sky box - after he left I felt great - danced around the room - the kids thought it was hilarious. Onwards and upwards I guess!

[Supersarahp]

Argh - so when the sky box broke yesterday I text C cos I needed the password for the sky account - he did not reply. So I arranged my own engineer who came and fixed it just now.

 

Then I get a text from C saying he has arranged for a sky man to come to fix it on 22nd feb - I just replied

 

It is ok I have sorted it - cancel the engineer - don't need him.

 

I appreciate that he was doing something about it but am sick sick sick of him taking matters into his own hands. I am not asking him for help any more. I asked him for the password so I could sort it out not for him to book appointments for me. He did the same with the landlord - rang him about the situation before I was ready. Considering it is now MY landlord not his anymore he should have allowed me to deal with it or at least informed me of what he was going to do.

 

Deep breath - all in good time - I guess it takes time to disentangle myself from him.

[Nattersmatter]

God no I would never leave my kids unattended - I leave after she arrives but the door needs to be locked from the outside - hmmm what a pain - my mum can do it but at 73 I don't like to put too much on her.

 

(No, I didn't think it sounded like something you'd do but it was the way you put it.) Sounds to me like it's a new lock you need, one that has a latch (which you can manually switch to Off so the door can be closed and you just use the handle to get in from outside (e.g. when you're carrying shopping in from the car), meaning MIL just pulls the door closed from outside to lock it. You'd have to explain the situation to the locksmith and ask if it's plausible that this type of lock (your existing) can go dodgy through normal wear and tear, hence needed replacement. Or you could just ask him if he'd back you up if anyone tried to verify that having been the case (not that I think anyone would bother). Whatever - you need those keys back.

 

You have an FL solicitor friend? BRILLIANT - how cushy is that! She'll refer you to someone she knows is top-notch (but hopefully not top dosh with it - maybe an ex London/fast-lane solicitor who moved down into the Green Belt?... depends where you are, doesn't it) as well as is excellent at knowing how to deal with a Machievlli type. Not saying your ex2b would automatically try to play unfair where settlement is concerned but... it's a pretty high likelihood considering how unfairly he's been playing you emotionally, isn't it.

 

Yep - Oblivious to her self-obsessiveness and her effect on other people - you said it! Now you can really appreciate why husband is such a mess under his outer layers, right?- imagine growing up hearing and sponging-up THAT sort of attitude day after day after day for years and years! How could you NOT get affected and infected with it?

 

Here's MIL - courtesy of Gary Larson's sketch where there are two sailors in a bar - one with a wooden peg where his leg should be, the other who has (LOL!) a wooden head. The one with the missing leg says to the one with the missing head, 'Well,...that's very interest 'n everything, but now let me tell you how I got THIS!'.

 

Doesn't that just sum her up beautifully? You gotta laugh with people like that or else you'd cry.

 

Oh, well done for getting Mira's book. Very helpful? Oh, no, that's an understatment...Trust me, you! will! not! be! able! to! put! it! down! And, more to the point, no longer will you be able to kid yourself or remain in two minds over ANNNY aspect of the overall rot in that relationship what...so...EVER. Should be called, Read this and you will know whether you're staying or going, or your money back! She cuts through crap to the nittiest gritty like no-one else does.

 

Don't you think there were glaring examples of where your husband was awful but seemed oblivious, though? I mean ....There you are, not one little kid, not two, but THREE, with all the non-stop work and emotionally draining aggro day in day out... effectively under 'house arrest' by the fact that even a quick trip to the local shops is no such thing (walk to and back including purchase 30 minutes, preparation and de-kitting on return TWO WHOLE HOURS (*if* you're lucky!)), needing three pairs of hands so that one of them doesn't run into the busy road, etc., etc., etc....and, for HOW many years was that?!... and he's coming home every night to - what?...Your face must have looked MISERABLE! No WONDER you were snappy! Most women would end up in the Funny Farm! How the hell can a man bear constant witness to that level of chronic stress and misery in the one he supposedly loves and do zero about it! Where was the extra dosh so that you could get taxis? Where was him taking you out HIMSELF for driving lessons until you were confident enough to pass? Nah! He must have LIKED having you 'prisoner' like that... meant no other men could nab you, I imagine. And/or he was just too busy thinking about (oh, what a surprise, thanks, mum!) HIMSELF. I think that was DISGUSTING! (I can be honest now that you've come to terms with the reality, LOL....want I rant on for ya? I bloomin' can, you know?!)

 

Yes, that Limbo is the hardest thing you have to handle, what with having made a decision and wanting to actually execute it whilst you have the fullest motivation. It'll be a test of your patience and endurance (especially if he acts up through the legal process in order to hamper it) but... like anything, "This, too, shall pass". Just grit your teeth and try to take ADVANTAGE of the fact you're in restraints, in whatever ways you can think of. It can be done. Attitude is *everything*.

 

Here's something you can do:

 

Tip: If the kids need new school uniform, try to buy head (if you can guess what their future sizes will be) for next year and the next as well. ;-) Not where it's obvious but... just shirts, ties, socks..those sorts of things.

 

Another: cheques and c/card xactions are one thing but it's THE LITTLE THINGS that surprisingly quickly mount up...those comics and sweets for the kid, the bus fare, that tip for the lunch waitress....etc. Pence are hidden pounds just waiting to pounce. So start to keep and record in a monthly table every single little bit of cash you spend, in tabulated format, and then put all the (stapled) receipts, including handwritten post-it notes of the amount and item where no receipt was given, into an A4 manilla envelope with the covering typed summary of expenditure, labelled February 2013, etc. That way, not only will you know what sort of monthly/seasonal thus annual marital and child settlement you will actually need (and can go above it to take into account contingencies and emergencies, like a taxi to the doctor's or hospital out-patients, for example) but also, if you then give the total envelopes to your solicitor, if your ex2b's barrister should try to pass comment to the judge that your settlement projection is "highly unrealistic, fhwah-fhwah" - TA-DAA! - the judge will already have seen your substantiation exercise and/or your barrister can say, 'I think not' and whip out the counter-evidence. So start *now*.

 

A particular reason for starting now is that, IF you find you get stressier and start to buy, eat and go out less, and your ex2b tries to produce c/card and bank statements of yours to claim to the court that you need only, say, £600 per month, and in doing so has been oh-so-conveniently selective in choosing only the statements reflecting this period of uncharacteristically low expenditure on yours and the kids part, you can counter it with these self-made monthly records from THIS PERIOD to show that - ta-daa! - ACTUALLY, when in Situation More Normal your expenses are £200 higher (so up his! LOL). Because the ideal is that you and the kids should get to keep, as much as humanly possible, the "lifestyle to which you'd become accustomed".

 

...by which token - despite you don't want to suddenly become a spending-freak (which looks bad), neither should you curb your expenditure during this run-up period to said financial hearing section of the divorce.

 

But it looks as if you've already in the back of your mind worked this all out seeing as you've just gone ahead and bought a new mattress of all not-so-insignificant things (clever you).

 

Anything else you've been needing for ages that it's high time you bought after having put it off thanks to all the upset? Do the kids all need a few new pairs of shoes or does all your upholstery and carpets need a steam clean or does one of them need dental braces or do you need a set of dental veneers and is your wardrobe adequately stocked (particularly if you've (cough!) changed weight) or-or-or, has your sofa just birthed a painful spring or been broken beyond repair by your kids jumping on it or one of them spilt Ribena on your giant rug which just won't shift, meaning you need to buy a new one?.... Have a good thinkipoos. Anything you can take on with you to your eventual new house to save you having to shell out a few years from there.

 

Danced around the room, eh? I'm thinking, yes there ARE lots of things you should have been able to buy but couldn't or weren't allowed. Am I right?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Argh - so when the sky box broke yesterday I text C cos I needed the password for the sky account - he did not reply. So I arranged my own engineer who came and fixed it just now.

 

Then I get a text from C saying he has arranged for a sky man to come to fix it on 22nd feb - I just replied

 

22nd February? So.. he thinks it's reasonable for a mother with three square-eyed kids to wait a whole flippin' month before they can get their Sky programmes back, does he? PFF. No, he doesn't. It's a Machievelli missile ("Take THAT!"). At least I *hope* it is or he really *is* stupid and clueless!

 

It is ok I have sorted it - cancel the engineer - don't need him.

 

I appreciate that he was doing something about it but am sick sick sick of him taking matters into his own hands. I am not asking him for help any more. I asked him for the password so I could sort it out not for him to book appointments for me. He did the same with the landlord - rang him about the situation before I was ready. Considering it is now MY landlord not his anymore he should have allowed me to deal with it or at least informed me of what he was going to do.

 

Deep breath - all in good time - I guess it takes time to disentangle myself from him.

 

Oh, don't worry - going by how quickly you're catching on, ex2b soon enough won't stand a chance!

 

xoxo