How do I heal when we have kids?

[Supersarahp]

I don't want a man to be with me because he wants a ready made family either though. I want a man to be with me because he wants me - with or without kids.

 

 

Hmm sarcastic/ caustic responses

 

"Maybe if I was one of your spirit guides I could have just walked through the door"

 

And that kind if thing.

[Nattersmatter]

A one-off designer suit with five extra pockets may not attract a buyer because of those extra pockets. That buyer might simply appreciate the cut, fit, style and quality of the suit itself regardless of pockets or not. So that's the first two target market groups you'd attract. Whether you prefer to view the fact of having a hidden or registered need for those extra pockets on top of the need for a great suit an elimination criteria, is entirely within your control. But wouldn't the third group - any men who'd adore both the suit AND the extra pockets (either equally or in that order) - be even better than either of those first two candidate groups?

 

You need to start realising that you CAN have it all - certainly where 'all' means the really important criteria - and start thinking like you can. Getting someone like that who has a huge heart and adores you and the kids both and knows how to show it, might mean he mightn't be able to cook to save his life or might be a bit fussy over food or drive faster or slower than you'd ideally like or love watching football every Sunday (booor-ringgg) or be a bit asthmatic and need a nebulizer or snore when he's a bit drunk or have a silght limp or be prone to seasickness (meaning no boating) or-or-or... but as long as the big boxes are ticked and there aren't too many trivial in-commons crossed whereby they equate to too many more big crosses - you're laughing.

 

My husband's faults: he clears his throat a little bit too like the granny from Catherine Tate ("HhhhhhUH!"), which is sometimes funny or sometimes a bit annoying, and (again, only sometimes) burps silently into his closed mouth before letting it out (whereas I prefer an honest "uuuurp!" and find the silent burp reminiscent of an S.B.D. bottom burp (ew)) and constantly forgets where he's put things, like his keys (tsk!), oh, and also sometimes (if he's tired) is a bit jittery and critical in the car when not the driver (cos he had a near-miss with a big fat articulated lorry coming at him over the central reservation at 60mph, in France 10 years ago) but... other than that? - I'd have to think really, really hard or make something up.... WHEREAS, my ex-husband irritated the uck out me CONSTANTLY, plus his idea of showing he loved and cherished me was to [drum roll..............] make me one cup of tea ("...Am I impressed, tho?... Face?... Impressed?... Face?..."

 

"Maybe if I was one of your spirit guides I could have just walked through the door"

 

Hee-hee, cackle-cackle, nice one! Go on - what were the others?

 

xoxo

 

PS: "That's not cold air, that's my dead mother come to check you don't diddle me!... Hmm!...Surprised you couldn't tell!"

[Nattersmatter]

PPS: "I had a feeling you were going to say that".

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Haha nah she was really nice (the clairvoyant woman ) she was only making conversation.

 

Had a major busy morning - rearranged my whole downstairs - it is so much better now - it's the way I want it and I haven't had to bloody debate every single thing. I am going to paint my living room this week (any colour suggestions?) and put up some nice pictures. C would never let me have pictures up unles they were photographs of the kids. I quite like the odd picture here and there. I really love Salvador Dali so might get some nice prints of his stuff. I would love to get a cat too. C wouldn't entertain the idea because he is scared of cats (yes really!!) Lauren has begged me not to though as she is scared it might kill the guinea pigs so I guess I won't just yet.

 

I started reading a novel last night. Haven't read since all this happened (aside from the too good to leave book which doesn't count as recreation). This is unheard of - I have read at least one novel every week since I can remember (I remember aged 8 taking 4 books a week from the library). Even when the babies were small I would read into the night so I have been lost without my books but have had my head so full of everything I haven't really been able to focus on a novel. It was nice to be able to relax and just read again.

 

I went or coffee with 2 friends yesterday Lara and Angie. I was telling them about my plans for painting the living room and getting a new mattress and stuff. Lara said "wow you really are serious about moving on aren't you?" I was like "well yes". Angie said she sees C picking the kids up from school on a Weds. (Her son is in Liam's class) She said she nods at him but can't bring herself to speak because, in her words, "he has hurt my friend".

 

Feeling good today (see saw see saw).

[Nattersmatter]

Oh, sure - this isn't about her not being really nice/our getting belated revenge or anyfin or nuffin. (Note this and never forget it: There is always, ALWAYS method in my madness. ;-)) It's just putting fun into the need (yours) to practise being a bit more ...shall we say, sassy even under fire? You need it for ex2b, see. I mean, I know you're great at doing the "straight barrister" counter-arguing but I think (know) that if you were to put some out-and-out piss-taking into it, it would deter him from trying it on so much with you because types like him, especially, can't take being made to look silly.

 

E.g. MIL: It's difficult. / You: If you're a grass-snake with no arms, maybe.

 

Capiche?

 

So - go on ("go aan, go aan, GO AAN!!!") - what were the others?

 

Not being constantly argued with - even over areas where power of attorney are YOURS BY TRADITION (nest-executive)? Ohhh, ISN'T IT! (Benefit Number Two iz in da house (crowd goes wild).)

 

Never let you (cuh). Is it finally striking you for how RIDICULOUS that was?

 

Chris is scared of cats? Okay.... this is getting TOO freaky....jeeeeeez! Cos guess who ELSE hated cats (but manly-claimed it was because they made him sneeze despite I never witnessed him sneeze around them)? Give you ONE guess! (You sure you're not married to my ex-husband??

 

Colour suggestions... White with a tiny hint of yellow (creates a sense of warmth, goes with anything)... something neutral just in case the FMH has to get sold.

 

Rabbits get on well with guinneapigs. Hows about you get a baby bunny and train it to use a kitty litter tray? It can be done, you know. A friend of mine did it, meaning it was no different to having a cat but with long pointy ears. Alternatively, if you get a very young kitten - right from the minute it's old enough to be taken from its mother - and let it 'associate' with the guinneapigs, it'll assume it's one of them and become 'pals'... assuming the pigs don't bite?

 

Oh, I imagine there're LOTS of things you haven't done because you were constantly too busy being geared to fending off insults and injustices! Not any more, though. (Benefit Number 3 iz in da house...)

 

Yep (ref your friend) - Chris has definitely sh*t on his own doorstep and irrefutably shown his twue colours, no two ways about it.

 

You should have a wee party to celebrate.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

He he I guess I kind of understand why people have divorce parties!

 

God I am knackered - dragged a bloody week's worth of shopping home on the bus - I have an old granny shopping trolley so it was fine lol.

 

I will have a think about the retorts - I consider my sense of humour to be pretty dry at the best of times so shouldn't be hard. C never really 'got' that side of me.

 

How weird about your Chris also disliking cats - haha strange.

[Nattersmatter]

Alright, Gran? LOL Did you remember your clear plastic rainhood and Yorkshire Terrier as well? I mean - if you're going for that look you may as well make it - ow yeu say, co-ordin-at-eyed, oui?

 

Think of the excess wobbly bits getting less wobbly (and the back, upper-arm and tummy muscles getting rock harder)!

 

But... Haven't you heard of supermarket online shopping with home delivery???

 

xoxo

 

PS: Weird or just another shared symptom? Cats don't mind being solitary and self-reliant, innit. "How inconceiveable....ugh, how WEIRD...ugh, cats are impossible to relate to!...ugh... discombobulating creatures!..." (;-) Ya get meh, bro?)

[Nattersmatter]

I'm orf to have a bath now cos I'm WEW PONGY, INNIIIIIT.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Hahha has Ali G taken over your PC? Yes I need to do an online delivery bit I haven't had a computer ..... Innit!

 

Got my tablet now so gonna have a go tomorrow!

 

Got another bloody dilemma! Ok so C is not communicating with me unless it is absolutely unavoidable. He said we would so alternative weekends (with his idea of his weekend bein 6pm Saturday until sometime Sunday afternoon) now by that reckoning this weekend should have been "his" weekend. Well I heard nothing and of course he didn't show. Lauren told me he told them he is not having them this weekend but is next weekend. Now next weekend is Liam's birthday weekend and he did say he would like to see them at some point over that weekend but nothing was decided. Now I don't have a problem with him swapping weekends but bloody well discuss it!!!!! He is making up the rules as he goes along. Lauren said he told her they can sleep over with him whenever they want. He makes me bloody sick - he doesn't even call them when he doesn't have them. So if he shows up for them next Saturday without asking me first how do I handle it? He may well

speak to me about it on tues/ weds but this whole lack of communication is really peeing me off!

[Nattersmatter]

LOL, No, but (well done!) Sasha Baron Cowen is definitely stuck in my head. I watched The Dictator and Borat during the half-term (son's a fan).

 

Do you even need a com-pu!-er? You can do dat stuff on mobiles dese days, ..innit!? (Or izzit? Me got no clue, man, all dese techie fings 'n stuff - I iz too spasticated.)

 

What, ANOTHER dilemma?!*? Only joking. Afraid if you hoped the hassle was over already, you thought too soon… In which case, you need to try to start having fun with this wherever possible, by turning the tables. (Fun’s the wrong word but you know what I mean.)

 

Hmm. Yes. End of Saturday to Sun avo is definitely not "a weekend". I was waiting for him to start doing this – not least because it’s so common. My wasband did it ...started arriving later and later (course he did – he and your ex2b are like peas in a bloody pod). What you need to do is what I did: reverse psychology him… start to make the guy’s over-inflated ego work FOR you:

 

Option 1: Whenever his weekends are looming, start telling him he can't have them until an hour or more LATER than 6pm. He won't like you telling him what he can and can't do (how very dare you!) and might start to insist he be allowed to collect them earlier and, in order to really "show you" will go a couple of hours OTT, meaning 4pm.. maybe earlier. Initially, he might try to 'see your five and raise you' by saying in that case he won't collect until the Sunday morning but... all you have to say to smilingly to that is, 'Yep, no problemo!', like you LIKE it that way, or even, 'Great - that works out really well for me!' - because it scuppers his aim to piss you off via asserting his "au-thori-tah". Given time to live with the actual result, however, it'll inevitably hit him with a big fat Doh! that his trying to enforce his will over yours got him nothing but cutting off his nose to spite his own face.

 

Option 2: Alternatively, and even better, you could tell him you've decided, given that he hasn’t been arriving until as late as 6pm when the kids are already getting fractious because it's too close to bedtime, it's probably best if he forget Saturdays altogether and just collect them on every Sunday on the a.m….and anyway, you enjoy having them on a Saturday (- light fuse and stand well back).

 

Remember this Anti-Machievelli rule: "You wannit? Do ya? In that case - have ALL of it!" / "You don't wannit? Don't ya? In that case - have NONE of it!"

 

 

Prior to and up to the divorce getting underway, I had allowed my wasband to have Joe every single weekend. But then he started either not turning up until Sat midday or even mid-afternoon or would waive Saturdays altogether (because allegedly he had this/that social do to go to) and collect only on Sunday mid-mornings. Joe was mightily insulted.

 

Additionally, I didn't want the court to make my erstwhile, generous gesture a mandate on a basis of Joe long having become accustomed to the routine; I wanted it to remain my offer and prerogative so that I could forever hold the threat of repeat rescindment over his head as a deterrent to all his actings up for whatever reasons. So I sent him a letter - making it sound as little like all the rest of my mails at that juncture and as formal as possible so that he’d think I was acting under solicitor's advisement (meaning, money motive) – implying that due to having realised my normally never having Joe on the weekend was denying he and I any proper quality time, I had made the decision to take BACK my weekends forthwith. I knew the court would have no objection were Chris to waste his precious money by stupidly trying to legally overturn my decision because the court takes the view that the children should ideally spend alternate weekends with their mother (although this is actually a too-broad-stroke provision for mothers who work long hours and/or commute, whereas I worked from home as my own boss and merely whenever I felt like it).

 

He went ballistic, tried all manner of tactics, ending in insisting (which I couldn't refuse to cooperate with without looking uncooperative to the court) to formal mediation hearing to sort it out. This did him no good because, as the mediator's subsequent court report (which the judge read) noted, he proved himself unreasonable and his motivation being him placing his own interests over Joe's (wanting mainly to assert his ego over mine) – which he did by point-blank refusing every single one of my attempted compensatory counter-offers during said session, of a weekday from close of school until bedtime during every non-weekend-custody week, then upped to two then three, along with his taking Joe for tea on a non-custody Sunday between 3.30-6.30pm….this refusal, basically, in the form of, 'Well, I don't WANT that, I want the weekend!'. (Me don't WANT owange juicthe, me want WIBENA!!! lol)

 

...He had no clue what I was really up to because, of course, as a bona fide Narcissist and Passive-Aggressive, he always had trouble seeing the bigger/longer-term view hence couldn't conceive that my agenda was a very LONG con for the power of Joe's really far-flung good.

 

Having successfully blocked this attempt to force a reversal of my decision, I kept the newly halved arrangement insitu for a good 6 weeks, meanwhile ignoring whilst secretly monitoring his subsequent, non-stop nagging/pleading/berating and manipulating attempts, until – ta-daa! - he finally had a massive meltdown on my doorstep... STUH-RIKE!!...whereupon I [smirk] 'took pity and caved', giving him back every weekend but with his agreement in writing over it remaining forevermore under my permanent discretion, and taking weekends back here and there (- again, so the court couldn't make it mandatory based on Joe's having become accustomed to it).

 

HE HAS NEVER AGAIN BEEN LATE SINCE. If he really needs to, he asks nicely and doesn’t dare get bulshy if I have to decline.

 

See for yourself his initial reaction via the email exchange (I kept every single exchange; loads more where this came from). He has a talent for sounding the most reasonable man on earth with only the greatest fatherly concern, note, but it's his (as per) rotten ACTIONS that always expose the slimeball he is under the carefully crafted veneer:

 

________________________

 

Chris,

 

I have had a long think about Joe's best interests, and I believe it is in his interests to have quality weekend time with both of us.

 

This means that weekends should be alternate - one weekend with you followed by one weekend with me. I think this is sensible, and whilst we as Joe's parents should be able to remain flexible overall, the general principle of alternate weekends should prevail. These arrangements can obviously be reviewed by us both as time goes on (as Joe's needs may change as he gets older).

 

I'm also happy for you to have Joe after school one evening per week on the week that you do not have him at the weekend - say from 3.30pm (or 4pm if you arrange for him to go into Late Class) after school, returning him here at 7.30pm.

 

In the meantime, you'll still, of course, be having Joe from Boxing Day until 1st Jan.

 

[Nattersmatter].

 

________________________

 

[Nattersmatter],

 

I am very confused and deeply upset by this email.

 

Two weeks ago, when two social commitments caused me to see Joe for reduced time on consecutive weekends, you wrote me an email in which you said:

 

"Is this shortening of Joe's time with you likely to continue and increase? I only ask because I've noticed a pattern lately, as has Joe, since, he's just said in response to my telling him about tomorrow that he feels he doesn't see enough of you as it is..."

 

Then when I explained that the Christmas period would be slightly disruptive due to the festive increase in social and business functions, you wrote as follows:

 

"Joe is very pleased that things will get back to normal after Xmas (he said 'Yeay!'), and he's really looking forward to having you all to himself between the 26th and 31st/1st....."

 

So Joe is clearly not of the opinion that my time with him should be reduced. Every time I see him he tells me that he misses me. Additionally, you have told me verbally on many occasions that Joe is coping very well with the situation and his teachers have indicated that his schoolwork is not suffering.

 

Therefore how on earth can it possibly be in Joe's best interests to break a routine that has been proven to be working very well for the last 8 months - one that both Joe and I are incredibly happy with?

 

You have Joe during the entire week throughout his holidays and half-term periods, you have him every evening after school and I have always been entirely flexible when you have wanted him for a weekend of your own. Should you choose to avail yourself of it, quality time with Joe is not in short supply for you.

 

As regards your suggestion that I take an afternoon off work every other week, you know how difficult it is for me to take time off work especially in this increasingly difficult business climate. What happened to your very recent suggestion that I have Joe to sleep over midweek should he miss out on weekend time with me, as he did this Tuesday?

 

I can only guess what is behind this worrying turn of events and sadly I assume there is some financial motivator at play, but one thing is certain - you are not being driven by Joe's best interests.

 

If you truly care about Joe's emotional welfare I implore you to reconsider this course of action and let the status quo remain.

 

-Chris

 

_____________________

 

Note (because it’s subtle thus too easy to miss), his pompous, over-entitled attitude within his statement, "I have always been entirely flexible when you have wanted him for a weekend of your own", as unwittingly reveals his belief that he would be well within his rights to ever REFUSE to be flexible about letting me have back what is 100% mine(!), and it's a case of NUFF SAID.

 

I simply failed to reply other than to verbally tell him to take it up with my solicitor via his. Had I, however, I'd have said the following:

 

1. That my earlier decision had been made under emotional duress still in effect following his betrayal hence it had taken TIME before the arrangement's emotional implications on mine and Joe's relationship occurred to my newly clearer head. [...not, LOL - I in fact get clearer and sharper under fire, not less.]

 

2. If he missed Joe so much like he claimed [rather than wanting to benefit from a greater overnight custody total per year to reduce his maintenance payments], how come he'd never made a point of regularly ringing Joe every evening, instead waiting for Joe to have to call him? [actions!]...or whenever he did ring rarely and sporadically, how come it was mainly after 'lights out' time? [actions!] …And this despite I'd repeatedly explained how Joe's future confidence relied on him seeing his father chasing after him , particularly when still post-betrayed? [actions!]

 

3. That as owner-director of his own companies, he should be able to leave work early on merely one or two afternoons per fortnight without any trouble - he'd hardly get fired, would he. [actions!] Plus, how come he'd strangely had no such difficulty WHATSOEVER when it came to taking a gobsmacking amount of afternoons off to sh*g his mistress, despite the recession had already been underway. [giant actions!!]

 

4. That, repeatedly, I'd additionally seen my offer of him collecting Joe from home and take him to school on more than just Monday and Wednesday mornings despite it was no hardship to him, declined. [actions!]

 

5. That with a continuation of insufficient quality time between us as well as Joe’s complaint about it left unaddressed, Joe’s good scholarly conduct and performance might likely begin to deteriorate. [in fact, Joe had only said I was taking him on less OUTINGS, meaning after school, not on Saturdays, and I told Joe “perhaps we need weekends to do that” (which we didn’t) in case Chris tried grilling him over it.)

 

6. That Joe is a child who as such is unaware of how to act according to his longer term interests over his short-term desires, and that as his mother and chief custodian, it fell to me (duh).

 

[...so up his bum!

 

 

 

Changing the schedule is a different matter, however. Just put your foot down according to your full rights, and say:

 

"NO - you said alternate weekends so given that the last weekend you had them was 2 weeks ago, that means your next due was THIS weekend. You failed to turn up. That's your problem. It does NOT mean I have to compensate for your failure by letting you have this coming weekend. It's mine, I don’t wish to change it, and that's that. In future, stick to the already established schedule or give me a minimum full week's notice if ever you wish to ask me nicely whether or not it's convenient for me to swap them around. However, if you do swap them around, that does not then create a complete rescheduling from there; it means you'll have them again the following weekend, like you would had no swap taken place, following which the alternating continues as before."

 

My point, Sarah, is that he CANNOT make any rules or change any rules... IF YOU DON’T LET HIM. Get with the programme and fast: *You* are the main custodian of those children, he nowadays and until they’re independent and capable of making their own choices, has nothing but greatly reduced rights. The kids live with you and don't put one foot outside the front door without your exclusive say-so (with the exception of where you’re unconscious or dead, whereupon authority THEN falls to Chris). Furthermore, you’re in charge of their school and social diaries, meaning, any arrangement is meaningless UNLESS MADE THROUGH YOU (and explain this rule to the kids, too). If he doesn't like that, he should have thought about it before giving up his parental “authoritah” in abandoning his home and family, shouldn't he. So SILLY HIM!

 

Option 3:

I strongly recommend you type him up a schedule within a letter, featuring the weekend he had 2 weeks back and setting out every weekend until end of December, as an interim notice of arrangements whilst you're waiting to appoint a solicitor. Once a solicitor's been appointed, s/he will send him a "statement of arrangements for children".

 

 

Furthermore, back to the emotional side of things - you should consider WHY he's trying to enforce this change in custody-weekend flow through the kids rather than through you: It could be because you'd ASK him why the need to change it, creating the need for him to lie to you. I don't doubt that you can tell or work out when he's lying, hence why he became so discussions-avoidant, so this is why he'd rather not have a conversation with you: you could catch him out or put him under so much pressure he’d likely trip himself up.

 

What I'm saying is, when they do this it's usually because ("two for the price of one") in addition to asserting their "authoritah", they're trying to move their schedule into synch with some woman's (or her kids’ custody). (Has Janine got kids?) Therefore, the last thing you want to do is suffer disruption and inconvenient for the sake of the smoother-running of his new love-life; come the point if/where you were to find out there had been another woman on the scene at this very point, it would infuriate then eat away at you to know you'd been made unwittingly instrumental. Better to suspect or conclude it being highly likely now (to get used to it), and cease being so accommodating and concessionary.

 

xoxo

[aliensweety]

'm going on 8 months of break up

we were together 20 year had 3 kids never got married

i know we had problems grew apart etc...i also now he has someone i seen it on his email i know he probley chose her cause he was ready to move on

i know you cant force someone to stay with youso i understand wen he does take kids it is hard to convo with him i think it last like hafe an hour donrt ever text me or phonei do all thati tried to asked him back i know thats a lost cause

maybe one day he will tell me bout this woman i will wish him well

o asked that too in sharing childrenow do you talk with him and stuff

i want to ask him if hes happyier now or as someone but i try not too its hard he tell me i will be fine

which mean he is never coming back to me anymore

i hope this woman makes him happy but im sorry i couldnt

i hope too meet someone one day soon

[Supersarahp]

Brilliant advice as always

 

Well it is a bit of a grey area this weekend because he did say a couple of weeks ago that he would like to have then this coming Sunday (3rd march) as it is the closest weekend to Liam's birthday (28th feb) - I said I didn't see that as an issue but we had not actually made the arrangements. He is very much last minute "can they stay over this Saturday?" Type thing. Now this was discuss a few weeks ago when we had the discussion about doing a party for Liam and him wanting his mother to be there. Incidentally he has never come forward with a date to say he has booked the party for Liam and considering I am the one who communicates with all the parents at the school I would know if he had booked one behind my back. Also my kids would have mentioned it for sure. So he has failed Liam yet again as we agreed he would book the party and let me know the date. Not sure whether to question Chris about that or just leave it.

 

I am having a party for Liam after school on thurs for family and friends at home anyway which we always do. Mil is supposed to be coming. We shall see how that goes. I would be very surprised of she stays for any length of time bearing in mind that the house will be full of MY family and MY friends (awkward!).

I wonder if he will ring Liam on his birthday. I will be disgusted if he doesn't. I his mum I at my house he will probably ring him via her phone- wimp! He never ring them now. He sees them weds and then doesn't see them again until the tues morning and he does not even speak to them during the rest of the time - disgraceful. I am going to keep a record of all of it.

 

I might text him and say - what date did you book Liam's soft play party for as we discussed? Hmmmm not sure.

Sod it I think I will. I wish I had his email address - texts are annoying and a letter feels obvious.

 

Yes Janine has 2 kids. Her ex has them thurs from school until Sunday 10am and she has them sun 10am until thurs morning. She works thurs, 6-10pm, fri 6-10pm and Saturday 9am-1pm and Saturday 6pm- 10pm.

 

Chris works mon 9am-7pm, tues and weds off, thurs and fri 9am- 6pm and Saturday 9am- 5pm (hence why his weekends with the kids are shorter) Well of course that could be different but that's what it was before.

 

I know Janine's hours are correct as she works In sainsburys and I see her in there.

 

I can't believe how much of a crap father Chris is being. Whatever he is like towards me I expected so much more of him when it came to them - its like he can't even be bothered.

 

Right I've done it - I sent him a text saying:

 

Did you book Liam's birthday party as agreed?

 

Lets see if he responds!

 

I have been really tired all day - like shattered - not sure why. I have actually just started sleeping a bit better so should be refreshed. Oh well I have this weds off work as am doing slightly different hours for two weeks. Having my medical training at work. I'm not telling Chris I have weds off though - I am looking forward to having a lie in and a day completely to myself

[Supersarahp]

Oh meant to say as well -

 

One of my fears is that he will try to make me the enemy in the kids' eyes especially Lauren. She has always been a real daddy's girl. Any chance he gets I know he will be trying to score points with her etc or to make out the reason he can't see them all the time is because of me. Especially as they get older I can imagine he will try to undermine my authority as much as he can. I guess I need to trust that my kids are smart and I just need to do the right things, stand firm and also be the one constant in their lives so they know they can depend on me.

 

Oh! Just got a response to my 'Liam party text'

 

He said: "unfortunately due to finances I am unable to afford it"

That's the biggest load of bull I ever heard - @$$hole. Well he must be sorting himself out somewhere to live then I guess.

 

 

Hmm I don't want him to get his own place. I know it is inevitable but it worries me. What if the kids like it there better? All that kind of stuff. Arghhhhh the whole thing is such a head f&%#

[Nattersmatter]

Brilliant advice as always

 

(Ta.) LOL - you keep putting an 'o' as your smiley face's nose which produces a shocked face instead of a smiley. You want to leave out the nose altogether or just use a Dash.

 

Well it is a bit of a grey area this weekend because he did say a couple of weeks ago that he would like to have then this coming Sunday (3rd march) as it is the closest weekend to Liam's birthday (28th feb) - I said I didn't see that as an issue but we had not actually made the arrangements. He is very much last minute "can they stay over this Saturday?" Type thing. Now this was discuss a few weeks ago when we had the discussion about doing a party for Liam and him wanting his mother to be there. Incidentally he has never come forward with a date to say he has booked the party for Liam and considering I am the one who communicates with all the parents at the school I would know if he had booked one behind my back. Also my kids would have mentioned it for sure. So he has failed Liam yet again as we agreed he would book the party and let me know the date. Not sure whether to question Chris about that or just leave it.

 

1. No arrangement is an arrangement if you're left with the impression it might happen or might not happen. He needs to be more commital (or be committed, LOL) so that you're in no doubt whatsoever. If in doubt, assume NOT.

 

2. Don't rely on him. It's unrealistic whilst he's still having a big fat reaction to the bed he's having to lie in, to expect him to be an entirely cooperative and helpful co-parent. You've more chance of that being the end result (after the Absolut) if you hard-train him NOW in how things should be, anyway.

 

Quickly rustle up some schoolfriends to come for a birthday tea party. As the nights are still dark quite early, you could do a little fireworks display in the garden afterwards (if you can get hold of some?).

 

I am having a party for Liam after school on thurs for family and friends at home anyway which we always do.

 

LOL - DIDN'T READ AHEAD AGAIN, LOOK. Never mind - "snap!".

 

Mil is supposed to be coming. We shall see how that goes. I would be very surprised of she stays for any length of time bearing in mind that the house will be full of MY family and MY friends (awkward!).

 

I doubt very much she would. But, hey - if she does - do make sure you ask her out loud in front of everyone (during a moment of hush) if she's managed to persuade "HER SON" to pay you back the money he stole from you yet, won't you. ;-)

 

I wonder if he will ring Liam on his birthday. I will be disgusted if he doesn't.

 

Me, too! But if he doesn't, he'll only reap the consequences however many months or years down the line like they all do (they being, the short-sighted idiots who care more about their egos than utterly anything).

 

I his mum I at my house he will probably ring him via her phone- wimp! He never ring them now.

 

Again (again, again) - stick it in a letter along with the council tax issue and everything else.

 

He sees them weds and then doesn't see them again until the tues morning and he does not even speak to them during the rest of the time - disgraceful. I am going to keep a record of all of it.

 

LOL, IDRAA (short for I didn't read ahead again).

 

I might text him and say - what date did you book Liam's soft play party for as we discussed? Hmmmm not sure.

 

No, do. BUT EMAIL IT. You MUST get these things recorded for evidence, Sarah. I can't stress it enough! And don't say 'as discussed', tell it like it is: like you stated you would/like you promised.

 

Me, I wouldn't be surprised if he said he'd do it in the hope that you'd conclude you didn't need to do a party for Liam yourself. He's trying to hit you by hitting the kids, Sarah - remember that and take preventative measures from now on by not relying on him for ANYTHING.

 

Sod it I think I will. I wish I had his email address - texts are annoying and a letter feels obvious.

 

What do you mean OBVIOUS? Why is obvious a bad thing? You can simply say in your preamble sentance that you're putting it in a letter so that things can't get awkward and the kids can't witness it like last time. But obvious is not a bad thing because you WANT him to worry that you're recording his behaviour. That way he's more likely to 'sit up straight' and behave himself.

 

Are you worried in case you make him properly angry? Why? What can he do to you or the kids that he hasn't or isn't doing already??? When someone is doing half of something and half not doing the opposite, you want to force things to a head either way. Since forcing him to do 100% good behaviour is out of the question, force him the OTHER way - to misbehave MORE. The more obviously he does it, the faster the zit reaches a head, and the faster it reaches a head, the faster it'll pop and heal... particularly as the face that's ultimately going to get pus all over it is his and only his, because if he reverts to behaving himself, this recent string of bad episodes will be just that - a phase - meaning, the kids can put it behind them and not have to normalise it and then suffer when they years from now, due to going out into the wider world where they have to operate via the standards of the healthier majority, have to DE-normalise it all (think Nookie). It's when bad times were you situation normal that they cause issues.

 

Yes Janine has 2 kids. Her ex has them thurs from school until Sunday 10am and she has them sun 10am until thurs morning. She works thurs, 6-10pm, fri 6-10pm and Saturday 9am-1pm and Saturday 6pm- 10pm.

Chris works mon 9am-7pm,tues and weds off, thurs and fri 9am- 6pm and Saturday 9am- 5pm (hence why his weekends with the kids are shorter) Well of course that could be different but that's what it was before.

 

I know Janine's hours are correct as she works In sainsburys and I see her in there.

 

(So Week 1 Daniel hands over to Janine at 10am on a Sunday and she then hands them back on Thursday a.m., whereupon (Week 2) Janine has from that Thursday to the following Sunday kid-free and so on and so forth.)

 

So, Houston, we have this:

 

Janine:

Monday - doesn't work

Tuesday - doesn't work

Wednesday - doesn't work

Thursday - free daytime until 6pm

Friday - free daytime until 6pm

Saturday - free 1pm to 6pm, meaning free between 5pm and 6pm

 

Chris:

Monday - works until 7pm

Tuesday - doesn't work

Wednesday - doesn't work

Thursday - works until 6pm

Friday - free from 6pm

Saturday - free between 5pm and 6pm

 

And they work at the same company (meaning no prior travel time to meet up required).

 

And whilst those two don't work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, you DO work Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

 

See how they could so easily have made it work (and still might)? Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then an hour for a quickie on a Saturday between 5-6pm? And what if Janine's custody rotation is in synch with Chris's and they're seeing each other? It would be altogether likely that they would each want their kids there at the same time (especially true for the man who isn't confident about being in sole charge) so that they'll be too busy having fun playing with each other to think to bother their mum and dad... unless there's not been anything going on since Chris started having custody, of course (because she proved merely a short affair), in which case it could be that they're now out of synch thus him with the excuse of having his kids when she doesn't have hers. In fact, you never know - this wanting an excuse not to see her could be his reason for having wanted to have the kids those two weekends running - specifically to shunt their schedules out of synch.

 

I can't believe how much of a crap father Chris is being. Whatever he is like towards me I expected so much more of him when it came to them - its like he can't even be bothered.

 

Sorry, but I can. Like I say, with his type, he would have behaved well when and only whilst it was still in his interests to. Now that it's not - PFF, "f***it!" is the attitude, particularly when they're intent on trying to find a replacement or to figuratively go mad in the sweetie shop due to suddenly having the time and pocket money. Plus, of course, as I say, he's too intent on punishing you for not having put up and shut up, with the only things he can hit you with being the kids. It may be purely the latter that's the case, in which case once he gets used to living with this mess that he made for himself, he might become a more adequate parent again. Time will tell on that score.

 

Right I've done it - I sent him a text saying:

 

Did you book Liam's birthday party as agreed?

 

Lets see if he responds!

 

All place your bets NOW!

 

I have been really tired all day - like shattered - not sure why. I have actually just started sleeping a bit better so should be refreshed.

 

Could be cos you have a giant and very heavy d***head dragging on your ankles? There again... naaah, ...doubt it. (Sarcy LOL)

 

Oh well I have this weds off work as am doing slightly different hours for two weeks. Having my medical training at work. I'm not telling Chris I have weds off though - I am looking forward to having a lie in and a day completely to myself

 

Wednesday OFF, eh? And slightly different hours for an entire fortnight? Have you indeed! And it's occurred to you NOT to tell Chris, has it? My - do we have a little calculation brewing in our head at the moment regarding doing a spot of (cough!) investigating but are telling ourselves it's merely so's we can have a day to ourselves???

 

Well, fine. Go for it. Why ever not?? Better to know, eh.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh meant to say as well -

 

One of my fears is that he will try to make me the enemy in the kids' eyes especially Lauren. She has always been a real daddy's girl. Any chance he gets I know he will be trying to score points with her etc or to make out the reason he can't see them all the time is because of me. Especially as they get older I can imagine he will try to undermine my authority as much as he can. I guess I need to trust that my kids are smart and I just need to do the right things, stand firm and also be the one constant in their lives so they know they can depend on me.

 

Lauren didn't resemble a daddy's girl last time I looked. In fact, she looked anything BUT. And he CAN'T blame you if you're keeping them informed (in kiddy-friendly/de-toxified or censored fashion). Communicate, communicate, communicate - both ways. (Nag, nag, nag - have you done the communication boxes yet?)

 

Again, these are HIS fears which he's expressing via his total behaviour and vibe which you're (old habits die hard) sponging up and taking on as your own.

 

Oh! Just got a response to my 'Liam party text'

 

He said: "unfortunately due to finances I am unable to afford it"

That's the biggest load of bull I ever heard - @$$hole. Well he must be sorting himself out somewhere to live then I guess.

 

There you go. Knew it. No, it's not him sorting a pad out, or not moreover, anyway. I reiterate: it was him trying to set you up to being left high and dry. Were it just due to finances, he'd have informed you long before now that he wasn't able. Capiche? So there's your lesson/punishment for having thought you could depend on him still, even if only where the kids were concerned. No, you can't.

 

Hmm I don't want him to get his own place. I know it is inevitable but it worries me. What if the kids like it there better? All that kind of stuff. Arghhhhh the whole thing is such a head f&%#

 

The kids won't like it better there because their sun, moon and stars (you) won't be there. Kids may love fun and being allowed to get their own way for a short while but they have an Inner Wisdom regardless, which soon has them getting sick of non-stop fun and indulgence or any material trappings if the good and firm parenting with its constant highlighting of where all those reassuringly secure-making boundaries are located is missing from the equation.

 

In spite of the fact I took him to the cleaners (which he helped nicely due to daring to treat the judge as if she were a mindless and gullible idiot), 'my' Chris still insisted on getting himself a huge gaffe (despite he needed to start over, to-the-hilt mortgage-wise). My place is far less expensive because I'd rather leave my savings free so that I can spend it on things that really matter. However, according to Joe, I'm not only a, quote, nicer, more fair and generous parent but my smaller house is, according to Joe, FAR more nice, cosy, comfy, stylish, friendly and beautiful to look at" - both in the love that got put into furnishing it and in the atmosphere (thanks to the love between me and Davi), meaning, although he wants to see his father, by Sunday night he is always gagging to come back home to me and has in the last year started to ask if he can stay here on the Friday night and not go to his dad's until Sat mid morning (and says he's always felt this way but didn't want to say anything in case he upset his dad). He says his father's place is stark-, dour- and cold-feeling... not cosy and happy at all (and always messy and that bit too dirty). And he's increasingly telling me how much better a cook I am than daddy or his partner. And that's because, Sarah, we express our emotional health and states through utterly everything we 'touch'...Our homes, our dealings with our kids, our personal appearance, our cooking, our house-cleaning....etc., etc., etc. He has NOT got what you've got and never will... The Comfort Touch. And neither will his equally as unhealthy and miserable female Like. No worries. You're just, as you say, "strangely" worn out and trying to find something to make it make easy sense.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Yes I keep forgetting about the smileys!!! I like the little o nose!!

 

Janine's schedule is the same every week - she does not do alternate weeks.

 

I need to work out his email address or put it in a letter. Arggggh you are right I guess - I don't really want us to be like enemies but he ha already pushed it that way so at the moment he has an arsenal of weapons ready and aimed and I am standing there on the front line saying "lets have a cup of tea"

 

I know that if I toughen up a bit he will have to fall into line more. Like when I told him that if he did not respond then I would have to make alternative arrangements suddenly he replied. I think I will make a schedule for the kids and give him a copy asking for his agreement - that would be a good start to making things more official and structured.

 

One issue I have is this... My brother is getting married on 18th May. His wedding has a 'no children' policy which is a pain but hey ho. I want Chris to have the kids for that whole weekend. I need to approach it in the right way.

[Supersarahp]

Oh yes - Janine and Chris don't work in the same place. I used to work with her before I changed jobs. My new job is in the same company as Chris.

[Supersarahp]

GRRRR I had typed a whole ither post but it seems to have disappeared,

 

Basically I think I have some kind of deep rooted fear that Chris is a better parent than I am. Logically and rationally I know it is not the case but I can't help this fear inside me.

 

I did list a load of fears surrounded why I think this and answered them all which made me feel better. I can't be bothered to list them all again - as I say the original post got lost.

 

I don't know why this fear is inside me - why I have this sense of inadequacy - as I say there is nothing concrete supporting it. Maybe spending so long in a marriage that was a constant battle has affected my self esteem / confidence? I don't know.

 

 

I just spent ages writing up a schedule where he has them every Tues - Weds and alternative Weekends (well sat-sun as his job dictates). Only problem is that Christmas day is a Tuesday!!! I want them on Christmas day!!! I will just put "Christmas and New Year to be discussed"??

[Supersarahp]

Also - no I haven't done the boxes yet but I must. I suggested that idea to Janine actually as she is having lots of issues with her son's anger. She has done it and says it has helped immensely. I will do it. Laim can't really write much yet though so not sure what I could do for him.

[Supersarahp]

Argh so finished work yesterday and my mum called me to say all the electricity in the house was off and she could not get it back on. We had a fire in our fuse box a few months ago and my mum couldn't "work out" the new one. When I got home I managed to get it working again. All good until... Later I was drying the school jumpers and off it all went again but this time it wouldn't come back on. I couldn't see a thing - only had the light of my mobile phone which had only the tiniest bit if battery life left - arggggh. Finally worked out it was the socket in my utility room and possibly the plug on the fridge! So will have to check it all out properly after work tonight - at least I don't have the kids. I swear some evil pixie is conspiring against me.

 

Saw grumpy this morning when he came to fetch the kids. He loitered outside while I got them all together. I asked him if he would like to have them to stay over on Saturday night. He said "that would be great!" As if he was really surprised like I had been stopping him so far or something - idiot. I said "well I presumed you would like to see Liam over his birthday weekend like you mentioned before"

 

Last night Joe said he didn't want to go to Daddy's today. Conversation went like this:

 

Me: right lets settle down to sleep we are up early tomorrow.

 

Joe: why?

 

Me: remember? Daddy is picking you up

 

Joe: I don't want to go to Daddy's.

 

Me: Daddy hasn't seen you since last week he really wants to see you and I am going to be at work.

 

Joe: I don't want to go.

 

Me: why?

 

Joe: I don't want to sit down and watch tv all night. I don't want treats after school. I don't want to go through 2 doors to get in to grandmas - it's too much for me.

 

Me: ok, well I will be going to work and you will be going to school and it is only one night. You will be back in weds and then we have Liam's birthday which will be loads of fun. You don't have to just watch tv at daddy's you told me he bought a game to play.

 

Joe: Liam do you want to go to Daddy's tomorrow or not?

 

Liam: not! I don't wanna go to daddy's.

 

Joe: Liam doesn't want to go so I don't want to go.

 

Me: ok well shall we get some sleep and see how you feel in the morning?

 

Joe: ok.

 

Me: I love you guys so much and I'm going to miss you tomorrow night but I will call you and when you are back home we will have Liam's party and we can go out on Saturday too.

 

So that was it. I really didn't know how to handle it really. I wanted to say "ok stay with me all the time" but of course I couldn't. He was fine this morning. Got in the car with no fuss.

[Nattersmatter]

Yes I keep forgetting about the smileys!!! I like the little o nose!!

 

Janine's schedule is the same every week - she does not do alternate weeks.

 

Then - talking hypothesising that he's got a woman in the frame - either the shunting it off of the synch track was to make seeing her "oh, sorry" too difficult to manage OR he's shunting it in line with a different woman's.

 

 

I need to work out his email address or put it in a letter. Arggggh you are right I guess - I don't really want us to be like enemies but he ha already pushed it that way so at the moment he has an arsenal of weapons ready and aimed and I am standing there on the front line saying "lets have a cup of tea".

 

YES. PRECISELY!

 

I know that if I toughen up a bit he will have to fall into line more. Like when I told him that if he did not respond then I would have to make alternative arrangements suddenly he replied. I think I will make a schedule for the kids and give him a copy asking for his agreement - that would be a good start to making things more official and structured.

 

You don't need to seek his agreement. Repeat: You do not need to seek his agreement. The kids are still a 100% part of your life - not his - so it's down to YOUR convenience as well as say-so because it's your life hinges on their movements and vice versa.

 

I get why you're not used to having to assert yourself this strongly. You came from a democracy where nobody HAD to push for what was right and fair. But now you're with a wolf who's taken OFF his sheep's clothing. So assert that much harder, you now do need to do.

 

One issue I have is this... My brother is getting married on 18th May. His wedding has a 'no children' policy which is a pain but hey ho. I want Chris to have the kids for that whole weekend. I need to approach it in the right way.

 

Are you not friendly with any of your kids' schoolfriends' mothers, enough that you can ask one or a few of them to have all or one each of your kids for this highly important appointment? Do you HAVE to rely on Chris all the time and thereby keep leaving yourself open to getting a refusal or being d*cked around at the 11th hour?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh yes - Janine and Chris don't work in the same place. I used to work with her before I changed jobs. My new job is in the same company as Chris.

 

OHH, I SEEEE. Well, in that case, that puts paid to the one-hour quickie on Saturdays theory. But it doesn't the rest. In fact, it makes it even MORE curious that he and she who don't even work for the same company happened to have had the exact same weekdays off, doesn't it. Crikey, whaddacoincidence!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

It's HIS deep-rooted fear.

 

xoxo

 

PS: Good!

PPS: Mum usually gets the first Xmas, and dad gets Boxing Day. Then it switches the next year (...IF the woman plays ball).

[Nattersmatter]

Also - no I haven't done the boxes yet but I must. I suggested that idea to Janine actually as she is having lots of issues with her son's anger. She has done it and says it has helped immensely. I will do it. Laim can't really write much yet though so not sure what I could do for him.

 

A little dictaphone which he leaves in the box and which you make a transcript of (for posterity's sake and to show them how far they've come, X years from now) before recording over it with your answer - stating a quick prefixed reiteration of his question in case he's forgotten what he said/asked - e.g., 'About why [This/That]... It's because [this/that]'.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: Forgot to say: To make the association between the boxes and Ist Gut, and positively reinforce the habit, you can, come the Friday morning, put a little sweet in each of the boxes in acknowledgement of their cooperation, honesty and bravery. xoxo