Supersarahp Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 PPPS: Don't do that. You're still doing that habit of protecting him from himself (Enabling). Next time, it's, 'Gosh, wonder why?'. xoxo Yeah I know - I find it hard though. Inner shark is still sharpening its teeth I guess. Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Oh yeah meant to say before. I had the weirdest dream last night ( when I finally slept). I was in the really dingy flat and it belonged to mil. She was there but she was much thinner. She had this weird cropped haircut and it was dyed like peroxide blonde. She looked at me and said "I bet you never knew I used to be a hooker" I said "what?" Then my mum was there and she laughed like she thought it was a joke. But mil turned to her and said "yeah you never knew that did you? I used to be a hooker" and my mum and I were shocked because mil was really brazen about it. Very weir dream! Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Yeah I know - I find it hard though. Inner shark is still sharpening its teeth I guess. I've got a feeling your 'downright nasty' is everyone else's 'just a bit cold and snooty' so I'm going to suggest you from now on where C and his mother are concerned unleash your inner nasty, really go for it (whenever they deserve it, I mean). How does that sound? xoxo Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Oh yeah meant to say before. I had the weirdest dream last night ( when I finally slept). I was in the really dingy flat and it belonged to mil. She was there but she was much thinner. She had this weird cropped haircut and it was dyed like peroxide blonde. She looked at me and said "I bet you never knew I used to be a hooker" I said "what?" Then my mum was there and she laughed like she thought it was a joke. But mil turned to her and said "yeah you never knew that did you? I used to be a hooker" and my mum and I were shocked because mil was really brazen about it. Very weir dream! Going by the fact your mother was there (which would be symbolic of your inner parent, i.e. your super-ego) and that she was shocked, I guess for you one of the lowest levels one can go includes being a prostitute, the type who does it out of laziness rather than is forced into it by bad circumstances? You do, after all, seem to be that bit more appalled over her attitude and behaviour than you are Chris's. I can appreciate why... The fact she's a woman but lacks any even 'sisterly' loyalty, and additionally, through having once been put in the horrid position you now find yourself she should be able to empathise or at the very least sympathise, yet seemingly is devoid of the capability. So this dream is in the first instance your mind's way of making you face up to just how genuinely sub-human the woman is, despite it defies credibility and goes outside of any normal frame of reference of yours. (She's *not* normal, though, Sarah. That's the whole problem. Even people who normally have difficulty relating find they can do so if they happen to have been through that particular mill themselves. But this woman...? Even though she's been in that very same boat herself, she still can't relate and feel for you. She's f***ed.) And from there, your mind is using this established model (willing prostitute) out of which to fabricate a new but equally calibres-representative one just for the MIL. Make sense? xoxo Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Yes it does. I just find the sheer hypocrisy of the woman crazy. When Chris' sister split from her son's dad mil was full of him not having any rights etc. I remember being the one who was saying "well he is ollie's dad". Now the boot is in the other foot she is all about Chris' rights. Like I say when she was in this position she moved 200miles away and did not even tell Chris' dad she had done it. Chris' dad said that when he bought Chris some clothes mil stood in her front garden with the bag of clothes and tipped them out. She is all about her own rights and sod anyone else and that extends to Chris too. She can turn on him in the blink of an eye and he knows that. I will try to be less 'nice' with them. It doesn't come naturally to me though. Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Lauren just wrote a "secret" in her box. She said I could read it. It said this: "Mummy, I hate going to Daddy because when he shouts I get a headache" I had this conversation with her: Me: does he shout a lot? L: yes Me: when does he shout? L: when the boys fight and things he shouts at them Me: but I shout sometimes too. L: but daddy shouts really loudly since he moved out and it gives me a headache. Me: do you want me to talk to him about it? L: no Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 He was supposed to drop the boys home at 2pm. I was upstairs with Lauren. He showed up at 1.45pm. He did not even get out of the car. He pulled up and the boys got out of the car with their bags. I went down the stairs just in time to see/hear him screeching away in the car. What an effing effer. Ok the door was unlocked but for all he knew I could have been out and he could have been leaving a 6 yr old and a 5yr old home alone. I wanted to confirm that he is having them tues and weds so I text him saying: You need to confirm that you are having the children on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. If you do not confirm this I will make alternative arrangements. He replied and said he was having them. I feel really down again all of a sudden - just low. It comes in waves - they are getting less frequent. It's every time I have to interact with the @$$hole. It will pass Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 You find her behaviour and the attitudes that create it crazy for the simple reason that she *is* crazy. The normal rules DON'T WORK. Personality Disorder, whatever variety on the Axis II from Borderline through Narcissistic to Antisocial, is (oh, god, don't get me started!) scarily common today, to the point where statistically, every single person on this forum has one in their life at whatever range of proximity! News for you: Psych fact (not widely known): Two main types out of four use social, 'problems' forums in the way that 'normal' people (the third group) don't - i.e. 'set up virtual home' there, whether semi-permanently or permanently. They are (usually undiagnosed) Personality Disordereds to whatever degree (mild to severe, the latter getting vicariously to be anything they're not, akin to when one is an unknown on holiday abroad, and to supplement their bigger-than-avg ego-appetite) and Aspergic/Autistic to whatever degree (but always higher functioning, getting to benefit from genuine mental intimacy without the overwhelming sustained and non-regulatable physical version of proximity that normally puts them off intimacy). That's why I'm 'here' (in a "charidable", Kharma Kredits-earning, positive-snowball-effect-making capacity... the fourth type of customer). Second psych fact: America, as yet still being the super-power, is the mother ship.. the nest...BUT it's snowballs (this case/context, positive) have a far vaster slope down which to roll and amass, effect and affect. Anyway... It appears your trait (the Aspergic leaning) is that you're non-twisted - if anything, "too" straight - and, more to the point, untwistable, hence find values-twistedness such a nigh-on mentally irreconcilable headf***. Those with the AS scent attract the PD like honey attracts bees because their positive characteristics are similar (and the Aspie *seems* to (*)love unconditionally like would a child (see below))... until conflict enters and proves the decidedly divisive/segregative factor between these fundamental co-nemeses (one desperate to fix, the other desperate never to fix, *both* finding the other insane). But you CAN get with that programme. You just take that bit longer thanks to your gobsmacking tenacity/stubbornness yet learn deeper thanks to that same trait. What she, the MIL, is 'about' is, "Me-Me-Me and ONLY Me". Just LIKE your roughly 4-year-old child (who never emotionally develops/matures). One set of rules for others, different or NO rules for her. Ego overactive on the self-defensive side; all slights (even unintentional) must be avenged. Serious mental illness yet expressing via (to the healthy-minded) wholly petty, wholly unnecessary, wholly avoidable executions... "If only, if only, if only", you think... whilst s/he's there saying and doing, "I hate you, grrr!...Eeek, don't leave me!... come back!/grr, I won't *let* you leave me!.... You're too close again - back-back, I hate you!!!....Eeek, don't leave me!........ Here! Back! Here! Back!...........". Exhausting.... Everyone they meet must be the mother they never had, must love them (*)unconditionally like they mother they never had, think like her,...and if ever they fail or refuse - they, the once-'angel', becomes 'the devil' and must be KILLED (usually with petty missiles like rattles, Hotwheels and Teddies). It's a malfunctioning during the period when a baby gets its first in a series of lessons in how to attach and/or due to early childhood sustained stress, abuse, neglect, separation and/or said genetic pre-disposition - depending on which of those two influences is strongest (i.e. light internal hand flicks touch-sensitive switch and/or heavy external hand flicks stiff switch). A serious and far-reaching impediment-type fault in the personality foundation. Where Nurture-stemming, I believe the genetic pre-disposition includes simply above-average sensitivity. PDs do NOT have a happy time of it; neither does anyone intimately close to them (albeit less so). ...Underdeveloped Conscience, Loyalty, Empathy, Cause-Effect Under-appreciation (where present, treated like obstacles) except to his/herself directly or through another who's complicit with him/her Zero compassion and ability to trust despite good at pretending to have them (where only lack of sustained helpful actions or conflicts-resolving reveal it) No appreciation for even the sacrosanct (everything is fair game in terms of a selfish tool and sacrificial lamb) Drama and lies necessary reality-avoiding and coping mechanisms...ever-*negative*, B&W thinking (because the PD is their own yardstick where expectations creation is concerned)...Defend, Defend, Defend via Denial, Denial, Denial (even that they've a nose on their face...or that they have a face, LOL)... and the more intelligent, the better at denying... Acting constantly on impulse, especially negative, due to limbic/frontal cortex malfunctions... cognition-distortions-caused Self-Sabotagers epitomised... Actively resistant (to point of instantly or increasingly hostile) in reaction to offers of nurturing, guidance and assistance, impervious to traditional therapies... all due to lack of faith plus the demand to engage the very two main brain parts that are affected (doh)... ... etc... Think sponge-like 4-year old frozen developmentally inside a war-zone, et voila. Without proper treatment, they never, EVER again feel safe, poor s*ds. Yet they have (which is what initially helps to attract) some fantastic attributes during the positive climate (if only there were no such thing in the world as conflict... conflict oft caused by them to begin with (doh)). ...And this MIL of yours was 'allowed' to have and raise - aka programme - a baby. (Tut...tut... tut, world! They are our children today but tomorrow they are everyone's adult. Take the ruddy reality hint and bring in pre-natal psychiatric assessments, I say.) Most will violently throw just rattles, Teddy and Hotwheels out of the pram but if you give them possession and control of a populated country they'll throw THAT out of the pram as well (Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Pol Pot...). But...and this is normally where it gets tricky (not in the case of these obvious little fish called C and his mum, I should add): People who are post-traumatic and in DefCon 4 and above (3, 2, 1) will behave for a while like a PD. The untrained eye might miss the differentiators between the two but they are there, not least this bottom-line decider: *for a while*. Your C and MIL, by your accounts both witting and unwitting, were *not* constantly under genuine stress the whole time they thought and behaved badly to those whom they especially should not have, as would excuse them. Berbom. And, sure, one could say, She has to be loyal because he's her son. Not to that extent she doesn't... in the same way that your own parents AREN'T actively conspiring with you and getting actively involved save for supporting you from the distant wings (like SHE should be doing). They're relentless. There is no winning with them except in purely one way if you're not a clinical therapist with a good decade or more going totally begging(!): Walk away and don't ever walk back. Leave that enormous boil to come to a huge head and pop, this time all over them and only them and *properly/unignorably*... as will send them to a psychiatrist (hopefully). Unfortunately, you don't have that option to leave ...not until Liam flies the nest. You'll have to meantime do it purely psychologically. And neither do you have the liberty of refusing to engage when what's currently at stake is sacrosanct. But, happily, there ARE ways... if you are bravely prepared to enter their territory...to boldly go where no man should have gone before (InsanityLand) daring to use the tools towards coming out again moreover unscathed. Me, I bloody have to constantly check-in there! Ha-ha (sob). But if I can do it, Sarah, so can you. Anything can come naturally with practise or faking it until you make it. This case - "naturally" meaning (vitally) BY ROTE. xoxo Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Lauren just wrote a "secret" in her box. She said I could read it. It said this: "Mummy, I hate going to Daddy because when he shouts I get a headache" I had this conversation with her: Me: does he shout a lot? L: yes Me: when does he shout? L: when the boys fight and things he shouts at them Me: but I shout sometimes too. L: but daddy shouts really loudly since he moved out and it gives me a headache. Me: do you want me to talk to him about it? L: no If a child cites a problem and you offer a solution but they REFUSE that solution, it's because: 1. Your proposed solution would, they think, exacerbate the problem. 2. This reason is not their true, primary one (that being 'the unsayable'). 3. It's an excuse for something else entirely but one which you've shown you 'buy'. (In Lauren's case, I suspect, due to what happened yesterday, a bid to feel less abandon-able by you by increasing your exclusive bond. Why does Lauren feel like the underdog compared to the boys? Is this just her own fear or has Chris communicated that sense to her, or somehow you?) xoxo Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 He was supposed to drop the boys home at 2pm. I was upstairs with Lauren. He showed up at 1.45pm. He did not even get out of the car. He pulled up and the boys got out of the car with their bags. I went down the stairs just in time to see/hear him screeching away in the car. What an effing effer.Ok the door was unlocked but for all he knew I could have been out and he could have been leaving a 6 yr old and a 5yr old home alone. He was late for a date. Dates can come up all too spontaneously when one uses a dating site. It's the knock-on effect of a woman having just been jilted or postponed at the 11th hour (what are you doing today?, she suddenly pipes up) or two desperados meeting and seemingly clicking too deeply to waste time. Or it was a pre-planned date but where he under-estimated his available preparation time and (hence the revenge on them HAD no-one been home) where the kids had caused that delay. You, an adult male, getting petty yet potentially harmful revenge on your own 5 and 6 yr olds is do-able because (as above), they are your peers and they are not sacrosanct and you lack foresight. This heinous act of parental failure and neglect should definitely be recorded in a letter. It poses as COUNTER to the chances of the kids' survival! I wanted to confirm that he is having them tues and weds so I text him saying: You need to confirm that you are having the children on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. If you do not confirm this I will make alternative arrangements. He replied and said he was having them. I feel really down again all of a sudden - just low. It comes in waves - they are getting less frequent. It's every time I have to interact with the @$$hole. It will pass I'm not surprised you do, Sarah. A part of your mind is aware that you are placing them in the hands of another child who has now more than once SHOWN he poses a potential danger to them in such ways as this prime, unconscionable exemplar! Along WITH said letter, I urge you to ring the NSPCC and ask to speak to the same person as last time and relay this and all such prior events on Chris's watch. xoxo PS: They would NOT have been home alone because if you'd been absent, the door would have been LOCKED, meaning they would have to have SAT there - in view of strange passers-by - and could too easily have got abducted(!!!!!). Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 No wonder Lauren doesn't feel safe enough to go! xoxo PS: Her reason is obviously number one (possibly combined with an inability at her tender age to articulate what is sentient yet too subtle for words to describe.) Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 You MUST try to stop thinking about how Chris's behaviour is impacting on *you* and concentrate on the kids. If you really throw yourself into it, it will be your panacea and future salvation. xoxo Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 In case you don't ring/write that letter: Please also note how the severity of his acts of failure and outright neglect are INCREASING. If he keeps this up, you will have a good case for sole custody, with his visitation under supervision only. xoxo Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 I don't think I have Asperger's syndrome. I am only in this site so much at the moment because I am going through the most traumatic time in my life and you are helping me. Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 No, I don't think you have AS either. But you have to understand that mental illness or 'natural but different' are simply neurotypical MAGNIFIED. If one is 'afflicted', they don't suddenly turn purple with pink spots and begin quacking (except for your Chris, LOL). And if one is neurotypical, that DOESN'T mean they're impervious to having (think Equalizer board) certain dials set higher or lower than 'normal'. That's all I was getting at where you're concerned (the rest was general) - the dial on your equaliser board, let's say called, 'Straight-thinking' or 'Attuned To Reality Level 1' and the other, let's say called, 'Need For Justice', are set very high. Whether normally (in DefCon5) they're only so high but during this trauma got elbowed higher, it's hard to say, only you'd know that. Court Judges have this setting. xoxo Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 ...and I would even seriously suggest - given that your current career was chosen out of necessity rather than the freedom to properly use your natural talents - that you chew over the idea of studying to become a solicitor or, given your arguing skills (and need for a higher salary), a barrister. Imagine Chris's face, eh? Eh? EH? I should cocoa! LOL xoxo Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 PS: Sorry if I confused you... which means I probably confused everyone else, too. Doh. xoxo Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 That's actually bloody true - my need for justice is ridiculously high it really is. As a kid the worst thing in the world for me would be being blamed for something I did not do. If I think something is unjust I find it incredibly hard to just let it go - I hate it. When Chris and I ever had a disagreement - I had to resolve it there and then - not I would like to - I HAD to. He on the other hand - had to run away from it. He would just walk out the door and not come back for hours and not answer his phone. I found that very hard to deal with - I would cry the whole time he was gone. I begged begged begged him not to do that but he always did. I can't leave arguments unresolved - I have to sort things out. Does that mean I have mental problems? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Your situation here is taking a fairly typical arc for people who are newly separated and divorcing. Emotions are running VERY high for all parties, you, him, teh children, his family, your family etc. Separation and divorce are extremely traumatic for all involved, and it can and will be high drama for a while. But the good news is I've know MANY couples who fought bitterly in the aftermath of separation, fought over kids, fought over property, got every dig and misery in they could, where a couple of years after the divorce they got along fine again and were civil to each other and decided not to waste their energies being angry or trying to punish one another, but instead tried to cooperate for the sake of their children and their own sanity because that high level of drama is exhausting after awhile. I do not think you have mental problems at all. I think you are going thru a divorce which WILL inflame everyone's emotions until you are all used to the new circumstances. And your kids are behaving as kids do when there is a separation and divorce... they are upset too! So they will be angry and sometimes say they hate Daddy if they see Daddy as the initial cause of the divorce, and if they see Mommy is really angry with Daddy they may feel disloyal to Mommy if they go with Daddy since Daddy is a 'bad man' for breaking up the marriage and will take sides or try to become Mommy's special nurturer because they see your anger and distress. So roles get all out of whack for awhile, but they will settle down if you focus on trying to stay calm and try to calm the waters rather than inflame them. And it can be exceedingly stressful on your ex if he suddenly is parenting the children alone when he is used to having you be there and in a more active role, and now he's stuck wtih them alone and doesn't quite know what to do with them or how to make them behave because he has deferred to you in the past. So he may for the first time be REALLY learning how to parent when in the past you were the primary caregiver of the children and he is not used to being on the spot like that. So he will need to learn those child managing skills, and fast. That may explain some of the yelling, in that he is frustrated and doesn't have a clue how to manage children without you there to do so for him. So i think you shouldn't think you have mental problems at all, that is way off base. Your separation and divorce are actually following a pretty typical arch in terms of emotions and events, so just try to calm the waters as much as you can and focus on recognizing that things will need time to calm down and run smoothly and emotions will be high until after the divorce is settled. Try not to add fuel to the fire though that is always tempting to do. One common mistake people make is seeing the judge as someone who will dispense 'justice' for them and punish a spouse for daring to divorce, but the truth is i've seen so many couples spend hundreds of thousands on lawyers with one or another trying to prove the other spouse as unfit, but the judge will in the end give the standard custody and the standard child support UNLESS it can be proven that one parent is a serious drug addict or a serious danger to the children. There are legal parental rights that judges can and will enforce and they don't really relate to how mad you are at your husband for leaving you and whether it is unfair or not. So the judge basically drains the emotion out of it and looks at it practically, and it is to your advantage to do the same. It also might be to your children's advantage to go to some sessions as a family with a counselor on how to learn to co-parent your children to their advantage without a lot of damaging drama between the two of you. Or just make a pact with each other that you won't let your anger at each other bleed over into trying to use the kids as tools to work out your anger at each other. I also think it is a positive thing that you want to immediately sort things out, but if your husband is a runner and an avoider and you're a 'resolver' that just isn't a good match. The harder you push to resolve and get it into the open, the more he will run and push to cover it up. So if you are aware of that dynamic, then you can try to counteract it by realizing that pushing harder makes him run more. If you have a confrontation, then it is better to wait until you are both calm to resolve it, and you can learn anxiety reducing techniques to let those things go until it is a smarter time to discuss it. Doesn't make you mentally ill, just shows you need to learn how to deal with anxiety and let some things go if chasing them and making the situation worse isn't to your advantage. So recognize that it WILL take some time to smooth things out for all of you. Just try to avoid adding fuel to the fire, and recognize that he will struggle for a bit learning how to parent your children without you there if you have been the primary caregiver up til now. And by all means try not to let your negative feelings towards your ex impact your children's relationships with him... they will pick up on your emotions and it puts them in a really tough spot forcing them to try to choose sides and placate each of you. So better not to put them in that position to begin with and if you need to vent your emotions about your ex, do it with your friends and family and a counselor if necessary but not in front of the children. Your children need to feel it is still OK to love the both of you and not have either of you mad at them for that or forcing them to take sides in the divorce. Judges look VERY unkindly on you if they think you are trying to turn your children against their father or encouraging conflict rather than smoothing it out. Not saying you are doing that, but just keep that in mind in terms of your interactions and what you say about your ex to your children, or if you overreact to your husband struggling a bit when he is trying to learn to parent the children on his own without you around to handle it for him. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 btw, i have a mantra for you regarding the MIL. 'Ignore, ignore, ignore. who cares, who cares, who cares' Who cares what she says? She obviously gets your goat and enjoys doing it, so don't let her! Her role in your life will diminish over time and frankly you won't have a need to have anything to do with her at all eventually. And as your ex gets more confident parenting the children on his own, he won't need to take the kids to her house so much. If one thing is making you crazy here, it is your feelings about your MIL. You should be HAPPY you are divorcing if that means you are unloading an awful MIL. When I divorced, i did a little happy dance because i no longer had to deal with my ex's crazy family... one of the BIG perks of divorce! Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Thanks for the input Lavender. I can honestly say I have tried to be as fair as possible in all of this. I encouraged my daughter to go with him yesterday but she didn't want to. I have tried on numerous occasions to get him to work out a proper co parenting schedule but he refuses. I asked him to go to mediation but he won't. He won't meet me halfway on any of it. Hell, he won't even meet me quarter of the way. He has lied lied lied, gone back on his word numerous times. I've tried to be reasonable and fair - He just want it all his own way. He is proving impossible to deal with. I can honestly say hand on heart I have tried my best to do things fairly and amicably with the minimum of impact on the children. He won't allow that. He won't even give me his new address and he didn't even tell me he had a new address. He told my daughter that she can sleep over with him whenever she wants which is simply untrue and designed to make me look bad. Lavender I am at the point now where I can't do any more - I have to do what's best for my kids and myself. He is going to have to fit around us - not the other way around. I of course want things to be perfectly happy and smooth but he won't allow it. Link to comment
Supersarahp Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 btw, i have a mantra for you regarding the MIL. 'Ignore, ignore, ignore. who cares, who cares, who cares' Who cares what she says? She obviously gets your goat and enjoys doing it, so don't let her! Her role in your life will diminish over time and frankly you won't have a need to have anything to do with her at all eventually. And as your ex gets more confident parenting the children on his own, he won't need to take the kids to her house so much. If one thing is making you crazy here, it is your feelings about your MIL. You should be HAPPY you are divorcing if that means you are unloading an awful MIL. When I divorced, i did a little happy dance because i no longer had to deal with my ex's crazy family... one of the BIG perks of divorce! That's very true - she is poisonous and a brain drain. Getting rid of her is a massive perk. Link to comment
Nattersmatter Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Sarah, don't be daft, lass. You're one of the sanest people I've ever met, on or OFF a public forum. Do you think I'd recommend the legal profession, specifically the ladder that leads to court judge, if I thought you had mental problems? No, you just have that one or joint-one thing in common with highest-functioning Aspergics - one of their most positive and admirable traits. It's *not* ridiculously high. Too many other people's, particularly of late, are too ridiculously low. Look in the papers... People have no respect or even basic compassion for the elderly, all the good stuff like community and family is crumbling, people are conflicted and frustrated... Society's ills. You don't have to let go. You don't have to change your actual spots. You just have to find the better tool and the cleverer application of it in order to deal with it or sidestep it, unscathed, meanwhile - secure in the knowledge that your next partner, just like mine is, is ALSO that keen not to let elephants stand in the room ignored and undealt with. That is where you're headed, painful at the moment though it is. Chin up! xoxo Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Well if he won't agree to a schedule for visitation you can settle that quickly enough via a lawyer who will petition the court and settle temporary child support and visitation orders etc. until the final decree and judgments come through. But regarding where he lives and whether he must give you that address, i think most courts will not force him to reveal the address as long as you have his phone number and can contact him when he has the children. You would have to convince the court that the children are somehow endangered by you not knowing his address, otherwise that is his private business. You won't know where he is when he drives the children away from your house or takes them out to dinner or shopping at the mall or anywhere else, so knowing his address is no different than that in that you won't know where your children are every minute of time he has custody of them and aren't entitled to that level of involvement in his life when you are divorced. It would be NICE if he gave you his address (and it should be fairly easy to figure it out if he won't), but i don't think that legally he must give it to you, especially if he is the type who will go into court and tell them you are harassing him and spying him when he is dating because you are a jealous ex-wife. The truth is that you have no legal rights for visibility into his life unless you are willing to make allegations that he is an unfit parent and not entitled to take the children into his home (wherever that is). And if you don't have proof of that (i.e., signs of physical abuse on the children, children who will testify that there is open drug use or abuse), then you will need to just accept that he 'owns' the children as much as you do because they are his children too and the court will uphold his right to take them where he pleases as long as he returns them on time after their scheduled visits with them. So i think you need to get a lawyer as soon as possible so that you understand what your rights and responsibilities are (and his are too) and how to proceed with the divorce and getting a reasonable (and formal) visitation schedule and child support set up if he is not willing to negotiate that with you himself. But you will unfortunately need to accept that he doesn't have to behave any way he doesn't want to as long as he stays within the law. So your best line of defense is to get a lawyer who can answer those questions as to what he can and can't do so that you don't waste a lot of mental energy on that and that you do set up a schedule and don't have to deal with him at all other than scheduled drop-off and pick-up times for the children. And you don't even need to interact with him at all otherwise, and can have all other communication be thru your lawyer if you find communicating with him too difficult or annoying or non-productive. It really sounds like he wants as little contact as possible with you (for whatever reason), so give that to him in spades, and let your lawyer handle dealings with him if he refuses to cooperate with you or acts like he just doesn't want you to be involved in his life anymore. Get the lawyer to petition for a set visitation schedule and stick to it, and get the temporary child support amounts defined by the court. If he violates the pick-up/drop off schedule or refuses to pay child support, then you get your lawyer involved, and he will soon learn that he can't play fast and loose with the court and will probably behave a bit more reasonably then. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 >>I have to do what's best for my kids and myself. He is going to have to fit around us - not the other way around. And that is where you can get into trouble and why you need to talk to an attorney. You are seeing yourself and your kids as a 'unit' and him as an outsider without rights, and legally those children are as much his as they are yours so you don't get to make all the decisions about them or what is best for them. You can decide what is right for YOU without reference to him, but you cannot make those decisions about the children and deny him access to them or the right to make decisions about them and their welfare just because you don't like how he is behaving. He must be doing something LEGALLY wrong in order to deprive him access to his children, not just something annoying or that you don't like. I have seen cases where the courts will literally remove custody from a mother and place the kids with the father if the mother is trying to stonewall the father or treat him like the children are not his and like he has no rights to them or to make decisions about them or take them places without the mother being aware every minute where they were. So you don't want to sign up for that trouble and are best to get a lawyer ASAP to tell you the best way to behave in terms of what you can and can't do with the children in the event of a divorce. And what usually happens if the people can't agree on that, is the court will order both parents into enforced parenting classes and counseling to teach them how to get along and manage co-parenting without constant conflict. And if that doesn't work, then they will appoint guardians for the children to investigate what is going on in both homes to determine where the children are best placed and whether the problem is the children really are being harmed or whether the harm is being caused by two adults who refuse to cooperate with each other (or one adult who won't cooperate or one parent who won't accept that their former spouse has parental rights equal to their own). So getting a lawyer is critical to you if you want to navigate thru that if he is being uncooperative or you are not sure what he can and can't do in reference to you and/or the children. Link to comment
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