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Boyfriend and I both weirded out by his friend who constantly contacts him.

Southern

By Southern
in Relationship Advice

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Southern Newbie

Southern

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Hello

 

This is going to sound, well, immature maybe?? My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s. He has just graduated from university, where he became good friends with a close circle of people (as you do). I have met them all and see them on occasion. However, with the summer break happening, I have since returned to work, and they are all still on Summer holiday awaiting to start their new jobs. Over the course of the year, one girl in particular has become attached to one of the people in the group at one point. When i say attached, I mean, constantly hang out with them, glued to the hip, best buddies forever. And at one point or another, something has happened, the other person has decided to become friends with people outside of university and this girl has moved onto the next person in the group to be glued to (males and females, but mostly males). It has now become my boyfriends turn for her to constantly be contacting. It was all good to begin with. She came away with us on a roadtrip. We went out for dinners with her etc. She is an international student, so was at times finding it hard being away from her friends and family, so would contact him saying she was down etc. He would be a friend and lend an ear. Now, over the summer holidays, she has been contacting him, changed her picture on facebook to her and him (cut me out of it) in a cheek to cheek photo. People from her hometown have commented on it say how lovely he looks (a compliment to me i reckon) and that they can't wait to hear about him. He told me he is weirded out by it. She went on a 10 day trip around the country and constantly texted him. She then changed her profile pic to one on her trip doing a walk. A couple of days later, my boyfriend changed his picture to a pic of me and him from new years. Ten minutes later, she changed hers back to the photo of her and him. That is when a mutual friend of theirs commented "haven't you found a man on your tour to take a picture with rather than using someone elses man haha"

Now, it may all seem a bit immature etc with facebook etc, but my boyf is now unsure how to deal with it. He is not interested in her that way, and we are unsure if she's just lonely or maybe has a crush on him. We don't know. She has since returned from her tour and is texting him everyday, "can we please catch up, i've missed you" he has said he is busy. Today, she texted again and he gave in and is going to catch up with her. He said he made it before his appointment with the Dr's so he has a reason to leave. He has also become a bit worried cos he doesn't know really whats going on, he doesn't want to over read things but he also doesn't want her to think he is at her beck and call. She made a comment at the last party that her ex boyfriends current gfriend contacted her to "back off and let them grow in the relationship" she thought the current girlfriend had a cheek. She is also in contact over the internet with a man in the same city as us, who is in a relationship, but has stated he is unhappy with his current girlfriend and wants to meet this girl in person. Knowing this, makes me think that she has no idea about boundaries when it comes to other peoples boyfriends. Do we just leave it and get on with it and just catch up with her not so regularly. My boyfriend mentioned to her, that he felt "awkward" with the picture, and she just laughed. She asked if me and him have had any arguments recently, and he said "no, we're great and have grown together and gotten over our bumpy ride. It's all silly really, but ANNOYING!!

 

Sorry, its winded.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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Awesome wall of text. My guess is there is more between your bf and her than you know about and he's pretending to be wierded out instead of divulging the full truth and getting caught in a lie.

 

haha, yup, been there, got the T-shirt. and yes, it turned out that my boyfriend had something going on with the girl who he claimed "was stalking him, and was annoying and couldn't stand her."

 

to me, the answer is simple. he needs to tell her straight out that he's not interested in her romantically, he has a gf. he can talk to her, but within limits. but it's obvious that she has a crush on him. if he doesn't shut it down, then i'm guessing he's either got something going on with her, or he is enjoying the ego rush of having 2 women fighting over him.

 

you can't make him do anything, but you can decide, for yourself, if you really want a boyfriend who can't respect boundaries.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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Regardless of mutual friends, she is disrespecting him and his relationship. He needs to cut her off. No more texts, no fb friends. No hanging out.

 

yeah. (he might say he doesn't want to be "rude" - that's exactly what my ex said!!) but if he won't cut her out of his life, then you know where his loyalties lie. i'm not saying push him into a corner, act like a harpie, but i'd be very suspicious of your boyfriend if he is complaining about how annoying she is, but he continues to text her back.

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Southern Newbie

Southern

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Thank you so much for all your words. Yes, i am too annoyed and weirded out that he continues to see her. Yes, i have been suss on why he doesn't just cut the cord, ie, enjoying the attention etc. I said if she doesn't know about boundaries, then you need to teach her boundaries and limit the contact/meeting up. He agreed, yet hasn't done anything about it. I mentioned it today and he just said to stop "nagging". My feelings, I believe, should come before some girl who is reaching out for company in all the wrong places....

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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i agree - as the girlfriend, your feelings SHOULD come before some girl who is 'bugging him.' like i said, in my case, i asked my bf why he didn't just tell her to knock it off, and he said he didn't want to be 'rude.' well, he was sure being rude to me! and yes, it did turn out that they had something going on.

 

of course, i don't know your bf, and i don't know what he's doing, but i don't think you are nagging. the thing is, she might not be a 'crazy lonely foreign stalker girl' but he is doing something to encourage her.

 

you might want to think about ending things with this guy. i am serious.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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OK -I agree with Annie and the others who said to limit the contact but honestly my first reaction was that he has to cut her out completely for all those reasons. The only reason I see the benefit of limited contact is to prevent her from getting even creepier from being ignored. I also agree that you need to hear the conversation and it should not be done by text -she needs to hear his clear, firm tone. And, I am sorry you are experiencing this.

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Moontiger Community Regular

Moontiger

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Thank you so much for all your words. Yes, i am too annoyed and weirded out that he continues to see her. Yes, i have been suss on why he doesn't just cut the cord, ie, enjoying the attention etc. I said if she doesn't know about boundaries, then you need to teach her boundaries and limit the contact/meeting up. He agreed, yet hasn't done anything about it. I mentioned it today and he just said to stop "nagging". My feelings, I believe, should come before some girl who is reaching out for company in all the wrong places....

 

This tells you all you need to know. He has something going with this girl and is starting to get defensive.

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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Southern,

 

I agree with the others that something may be going on because he is getting defensive.

 

I wrote a thread a while ago called "this is creeping me out". Check it out. That's the example of someone who doesn't take a hint and stalks. The difference is my boyfriend has cut contact with her and won't talk to her. THAT'S crazy.

 

You cannot fault her for continuing to contact him when he agrees to hang out and texts her back

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