Father is going through a destructive midlife crisis

[jcki]

Okay so I'm 18 and in my first year of college, and my brother is 21 and in college.

 

This past Sunday my father FLIPPED at both of us but mainly my brother because we do not go to church all the time. I don't agree with the church and my brother goes with his girlfriend sometimes. We both went with them last week and it was fine. My dad ranted about many stupid irrelevant things such as how we are not christians because we do not go to church and said we are living a lie. My brother responded by saying it's not cool to say that to someone, and my dad said if you don't go to church that your light for Jesus will burn out. So basically he's being the stereotypical christian.

 

So he decided to take my brothers car away from him for the week. My brother has to work most days so he needed it to drive, he's been having to get rides. My father also told my brother that he is done living for his kids, and wants to focus on himself now. Why did he even have children then if he wasn't going to love them? Neither of us understand why exactly he is SO SO angry with us. He sent my brother and I this facebook message today...

 

"I hope your week is going well and you've had a chance to reflect on this past weekend.

(Brother) I know you are being hit the hardest with not being able to use our van for your work and to get out and do things with (Girlfriend), but at the time I felt I was left with no other choice.

Your mother and I feel very strongly that as professing Christians you should be attending church and we are really disappointed in how both of you have continually made excuses to not attend on a Sunday morning.

 

When you are home on the weekends you must attend church whether it is with your mother and me or Mom Mom & Pop Pop's church.

 

Compliance to this simple rule will result in (Brother) getting the van back, car insurance being paid for, and uninterrupted of phone service.

Compliance to this simple rule will result in (Sister) having her phone service uninterrupted, and the use of one of our vehicles. Non compliance will result in the opposite stated above immediately.

 

Take some time to consider this and then please respond, preferably by phone on the choice you have made.

 

Love Dad & Mom"

 

Is it normal for Dad's to do stuff like this during their midlife crisis..? Thanks to whoever replies.

[poetryandlyrics]

Well, while you may disagree (and I would too as I am not a church person), but the fact of the matter is: you're going home to /their/ home on the weekend. Which means, you have to live under their rules. If you disagree because you're 18 and he's 21... Well, it's still /their/ home, /their/ car, /their/ money. It's /their/ rights. If you don't like it, then be more financially independent.

[abitbroken]

As long as you live in your parents home and are enjoying the cars and insurance and groceries they provide for you, if they decide that part of that is attending church with them or part of that is watching your baby brother/sister on their date night or part of that is being in by one a.m. unless they know ahead of time so they don't think you are in a ditch somewhere - then those are the rules.

 

I can understand if you don't agree with the faith completely - in fact at that age, people are prone to questioning every single thing and figuring out their identity. But there is a difference between soul searching and questioning and deciding to attend another group versus "blowing it off" by screwing around and being tired, needing to play a video game or whatever. It doesn't seem that your father cares which one you go to so long as you go.

 

If you don't like this arrangement, you can move out.

 

As far as your dad ranting about him living for himself, it has nothing to do with him not loving you. He just can't be waiting on you hand and foot or be providing luxuries for you in your parents home if you are not appreciative.

[iamkaylee]

Well, while you may disagree (and I would too as I am not a church person), but the fact of the matter is: you're going home to /their/ home on the weekend. Which means, you have to live under their rules. If you disagree because you're 18 and he's 21... Well, it's still /their/ home, /their/ car, /their/ money. It's /their/ rights. If you don't like it, then be more financially independent.

 

Agreed.

 

Your Dad's reaction has nothing to do with a midlife crisis or that he's a Christian. It has everything to do with the family/moral/ethical values he's tried to instill in you and your brother and the fact that you're not living up to his expectations there while you're continuing to expect him to provide luxuries for you as able bodied adults.

[Ayanokōji]

So basically he's being the stereotypical christian.

 

Sorry but the only one fit to be a role model for Christianity is Jesus Christ and he does not force that upon anyone, we are created with free will after all. Anyone who titled him/herself christian but does not follow in Jesus Christ's philosophy is only a christian by title, I hope you don't become upset with the religion as opposed to being upset by the individuals who are pushing their own ideals.

 

Regarding your father, there are a lot of right winged "Christians" and I've witnessed make senarios which fit your description but worse, to the point where marriages are disapproved by the parents simply because the other party was not christian.

 

Your father is using a rather childish way of getting his way but at the same time both of you are over 18 and are now adults who by law should not be dependent on your parents, in your father's defense he did look after you for 18 years and all that he requested was that you attend church, perhaps just attend to humor him even if you do not agree with the teachings?

 

I do not think your father has done something unforgivable and if you do love him then humor him a little, it would go a long way plus both of you are still living on his expense.

[Miss Firecracker]

Just go to church. Doesn't matter if he's right or wrong. His house, his stuff, his rules.

[Seraphim]

Sorry it is not a midlife crisis to expect your kids to live to the house rules.

[Seraphim]

Agreed.

 

Your Dad's reaction has nothing to do with a midlife crisis or that he's a Christian. It has everything to do with the family/moral/ethical values he's tried to instill in you and your brother and the fact that you're not living up to his expectations there while you're continuing to expect him to provide luxuries for you as able bodied adults.

Yep you're both adults start paying for your own cars ,your own insurance and ,your own cellphones. This is what adults do. They pay for their own lives. If mom and dad are still paying for your life you're not an adult. If you want to be an adult and do what you want to do move out and pay for your life.

[Snny]

I feel for you guys, OP. I really do. However you both are not truly independent. If you use your parents' vehicles, live under their roof... then yes, you are subjected to follow their rules and accept consequences. Until you are able to stand on your own feet without their support, then you can put your foot down and tell your parents to stop dictating your life.

[Jim Wormold]

Well, speaking as someone who has come from

a similar background, I have my own perspective.

 

The formal style of your letter really resonated

with me too. Just so like my father.

 

My parents were/are christian fundamentalists. At 16/17

I stopped going to church and, incredibly, they left me alone.

 

I am an atheist, though never told my parents outright because

I wanted their love and acceptance. But they sensed I was different

and difference is not always welcomed - especially if its not understood.

 

Ok, this is where this gets truly warped and possibly sad for you.

(Your perceptions and insights will need to be on the ball because

things can get subtle.)

 

If your parents are as fanatical as mine, and they appear so, then

nothing you do in life will ever really get their recognition and praise

if it doesnt fit in with their Biblical expectations. (I had to deal with passive

aggressive body language /emotional abuse with silence, cold stare,

glancing away, disinterest, lack of support or encouragement, and criticism. )

 

The extreme software running accross their brains simply doesnt allow for anything else.

Watching my parents age with that is not a pretty sight!

 

So things may not change, regardless of whether you live at home or not.

 

They want you to do exactly as they and my guess is even if you did

sacrifice yourself to make them happy (and make yourself unhappy),

their own conscious and unconscious frustrations with their own lives

would still project aggression onto yours.

 

Questioning the world around you at your age is not only normal

and healthy, it is extremely important! The ability to do so

is something that needs developing and is a form of survival

mechanism in all kinds of situations. My parents never taught

me that, I only had my own curiosity through literature and music.

I watch the long curious conversations that young parents

have with their kids here in Germany with awe.

 

Move out now - start again, for your own happiness. Dont get

stuck in loan agreements and jobs in a situation that makes

you both unhappy. Once out, you can set boundaries (but that

didnt help me much, nor did moving to the other side of the world.)

 

Be young, enjoy the parties and make the important relationship

experiences that you need to understand people and future

situations better. Sitting at home when you are adults,

and listening to your parents' view of the world out there

is a recipe for disaster.

 

You are only young once and believe me the years fly by.

Your parents cannot give you back those wasted, frustrated

and lonely years.

 

One more thing. I do not believe that any parent has the

right to their child's body (circumcision) or mind (religion

with heaven and hell threats). Children should be allowed

to make their own minds up of the world without being

brainwashed in their formative and trusting years.

 

You are sovereign beings and dont ever forget that. Dont

lose yourselves or the ability to have a caring form of communication

without that kind of strict black and white thinking, or such formally

written ultimatums.

 

I have received (very) weird letters like yours too and the fact that the word

love can be tangled up with such expectations is morally wrong.

Its also crazy-making because you associate your love for

your parents, with your christian or non-christian beliefs. It should

be completely separate. You should decide without feeling a finger

pointing down from heaven, or the living room for that matter.

 

Please feel free to PM me if you want.

 

This is my own experience and may not relate exactly

to yours. I am no relationship expert.

[Miss Firecracker]

But they want the cars and the stuff.

[abitbroken]

I was hoping this would not turn into a religious debate. At no time did the OP say that either of the children were atheist. (the brother actually sometimes goes to church with the girlfriend)

 

To me, the dad sounds exasperated and the note has the same tone that notes to me from my folks did on the subject of cleaning my room, not coming home on time, and other matters. Everything about not going to be successful at a future job because i would be a disorganized mess and all other stops were pulled out too. It is sad that the only way the dad could get through is to message them on Facebook. Well, its like sticking the note where someone is going to see it. The dad is just saying that if they want their luxuries than they have to go to church while they live under their roof. When they move, they can do whatever they want. requiring family dinners every night might not be reasonable due to class schedule, so this might be a way to have family time, too.

[Seraphim]

I don't think this is about religion either I think it's about kids being respectful in their parent's house and having gratitude for what they've been given. I know my mother would've laughed herself silly if I had asked for a car , insurance or even a cell phone. She would've told me to pay for it myself.

[Jim Wormold]

The dad is just saying that if they want their luxuries than they have to go to church while they live under their roof. When they move, they can do whatever they want. requiring family dinners every night might not be reasonable due to class schedule, so this might be a way to have family time, too.

 

How does a loving communication and respect for them as adults fit in with that?

 

How far are "rules of the house" actually allowed to go?

 

I was hoping this would not turn into a religious debate. At no time did the OP say that either of the children were atheist. (the brother actually sometimes goes to church with the girlfriend)

 

It is about going church, so how can the debate not refer to religion?

 

Banning or blocking religious debates on enotalone is something

I never understood, by the way. This issue plays a crucial part in some

relationships and cannot simply be ignored.

 

I posted because I have experienced exactly that kind of (extremist) treatment

too and I hope the moderator doesnt stop a debate I would have loved

to have had at their age. Those insights I had took years to get.

 

Of course, being adults, they can make up their own minds whether

they like my post or not...

[Seraphim]

They let it be discussed in the context of a relationship, yes. They do not however let people proselytize their beliefs. The reason they do not allow religious debates is that people cannot be respectful. It causes bad feelings on the board. That is how forums canfail. People get upset and leave. I have seen forms fail because they allow such debates. The reason this one has lasted so long is because it is well moderated and they don't allow people to attack each other.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I don't agree that going to church should be part the household rules. that should include chores, laundry, chipping in, curfew..etc

 

They are both adults. If they don't have the same religious beliefs as their parents, they shouldn't be punished for it. Taking away cars and cellphones because your children don't have the same views as you is ridiculous. It's like her parents are trying to force them to be someone they are not.

[Snny]

They are both adults. If they don't have the same religious beliefs as their parents, they shouldn't be punished for it. Taking away cars and cellphones because your children don't have the same views as you is ridiculous.

Since they are adults, then maybe they should buy their own car, fork the payments and insurance. Welcome to the adult world. But if the cars belong to their parents and their names are on them, they have every right to not loan their own vehicles out to their children.

 

This issue will not vanish until the OP and her brother are able to live on their own.

[Miss Firecracker]

Anyone can buy a used car and a ten dollar cell phone. It amazes me how spoiled adult children are. It really does.

[poetryandlyrics]

I don't agree that going to church should be part the household rules. that should include chores, laundry, chipping in, curfew..etc

 

They are both adults. If they don't have the same religious beliefs as their parents, they shouldn't be punished for it. Taking away cars and cellphones because your children don't have the same views as you is ridiculous. It's like her parents are trying to force them to be someone they are not.

 

It's not right, I know. I was raised as a Catholic, had to do all the things for it despite my protests. But what can you do? Parents are just doing what they think is doing good and right for their kids. That's nothing wrong with that. I plan to raise my kids and let them experience every type of religion, and have them decide for themselves. But that's just me. Different ways of raising. But that's not the point, the point is it's the parents' property. Like business' contracts, sometimes you have to sign contacts that have silly or different clauses to it. And that's what they're doing. And it's not wrong. It is their property. If they don't like it or don't want to humor them, then they have the right to say no, but they have to do the adult thing and switch to another "contract" by providing for themselves. It's either stay and obey for a while or reject and do it for yourself.

 

As someone said, it's not hard to pick up ten dollar phones. Granted, I never knew that (but my situation was different, a lot of people tend to know more stuff back than me for reasons, but I'm up to speed now), but my boyfriend had one of those. And you can look for some cheap cars or just use the bus. Other ways to be independent.

[Seraphim]

Since they are adults, then maybe they should buy their own car, fork the payments and insurance. Welcome to the adult world. But if the cars belong to their parents and their names are on them, they have every right to not loan their own vehicles out to their children.

 

This issue will not vanish until the OP and her brother are able to live on their own.

 

Exactly the parents have every right not to loan their property to their children. If at 18 and 21 and you need mother and daddy to pay your cell phone bill there's something wrong. And it is called you're spoiled rotten. It is the parent's fault for spoiling them and now they're just angry about it. If you don't like the house rules then get a job and leave. Also too as parent I have every right to instill whatever house rule I feel is appropriate.

[bulletproof]

While I think it's a little bit sad and disgusting that this is how your parents are going to make you go to church, unfortunately it is still their money that they are spending. I personally would have a huge problem with that and would make any attempt at independence, as others are suggesting here.

 

I also don't think this is a mid-life crisis.

[Miss Firecracker]

In any family that is strongly religious, as soon as the children are of legal age and throw that religion out the window there WILL be conflicts. That has been the case throughout history. It doesn't matter how you feel about it. I know there is no solution to this. The sooner you achieve independence, the better. That means get a JOB.

[SometimesShy]

My parents are Catholic, and my sisters and I were forced to go to church every Sunday until we left home. ( my older sister left home at 17, I left home at 18, and my two younger sisters managed to go to university 1,000 miles away ) We just couldn't take living under my Dad's rules any more. I definitely loved my parents ( and still do ), but I got away from home as fast as I possibly could.

 

The issue wasn't just the church per say, but rather that my Dad was a control-freak who tried to run our lives to suit himself. I remember studying for my senior high school exams, and my Dad sticks his head in my room to tell me that 40 tons of top-soil is being delivered in the morning, and that I was to spread all 40 tons of it by myself over the 3 acres of property we owned. I spent the next 5 weeks shoveling top-soil every day after school, and all day on the weekend. This was how I paid for the privilege of having a roof over my head. When I was finished, my Dad would give me a different but equally wonderful job to do. ( my Dad considered all my non-school free time to be his time )

[Miss Firecracker]

I remember studying for my senior high school exams, and my Dad sticks his head in my room to tell me that 40 tons of top-soil is being delivered in the morning, and that I was to spread all 40 tons of it by myself over the 3 acres of property we owned. I spent the next 5 weeks shoveling top-soil every day after school, and all day on the weekend. This was how I paid for the privilege of having a roof over my head. When I was finished, my Dad would give me a different but equally wonderful job to do. ( my Dad considered all my non-school free time to be his time )

 

Now, THAT is tough parenting.

[Jim Wormold]

I don't agree that going to church should be part the household rules. that should include chores, laundry, chipping in, curfew..etc

 

They are both adults. If they don't have the same religious beliefs as their parents, they shouldn't be punished for it. Taking away cars and cellphones because your children don't have the same views as you is ridiculous. It's like her parents are trying to force them to be someone they are not.

 

While I think it's a little bit sad and disgusting that this is how your parents are going to make you go to church, unfortunately it is still their money that they are spending. I personally would have a huge problem with that and would make any attempt at independence, as others are suggesting here.

 

I also don't think this is a mid-life crisis.

 

I couldn't agree more. I also find it interesting that

people find it ok that one can give something to a child

and then take it away again...because it's a "right".

Like a dangling carrot. That is pretty cruel.

 

And then he doesnt even manage to communicate

this in person or over the phone - he does it over

facebook!!

 

If there are two phrases I hope I never have to endure again

it's "my right as christian father" and "rules of the house".

This kind of language is synonymous for me with authoritarian, ego maniacal

behaviour. This over-emphasis on "rules" and "rights" was an ever expanding

flexible notion according to an interpretation of an old book and his

own complexes as a person.

 

I dont associate that kind of language with love. If kids

grow up in a respectful loving house where discussion

is encouraged and there are no taboos, then certain things

dont need to be loudly proclaimed like some mantra.

Parents will then get the respect they want - because they

earned it.

 

My father can take his rights which he so often told me he

was "taking" to still provoke me up until last year with disgusting

forwarded emails - and stick it where the sun dont shine. I hope it

keeps him warm when he is an old man, but I deserve better.

 

Honestly, it sounds like an explorer from the 17th or 18th

centuries, claiming land by planting a flag on a hill. It literally

is that pathetic. And aggressive.

 

If others here talk about their "rights" and "rules" as parents,

then I think they need to get specific.