Can "Friends With Benefits" ever be a good idea???

[Deciduous]

Do they ever work? That's what I want to know. Does anybody in the known universe have a happy FWB story?

 

A year ago I posted a thread about FWB situation I briefly got into. As I look back, I think "What a bloody daft thing to do." That was never going to end with handshakes all round.

 

It was Lust without Love, so no feelings were involved - but even then, it turned weird really quickly.

 

Egos became involved. I think we were both insulted that they other didn't give a crap. And the awful thing was, I didn't even like this person. (Maybe that's where I went wrong. I left out the friends and went straight for the benefits!)

 

My take is that FWB's can't possibly remain healthy for very long. They topple over into weird chaos without fail.

 

Either one person is desperately in love and desperately hurt by the others indifference. Or neither are in love and desperately insulted. "How dare you hint my body hasn't lulled you into a love-sick passion. How very crass of you"

 

So the question is... can FWB's remain in an emotionally balanced space for very long.

 

Am I right? They can't. Or was I just doing it wrong

 

Deci

[allcity]

I agree. I've certainly always found that feelings get involved from one side or the other and it's never as simple as being nothing more than FWB. And to be honest I've always slightly mistrusted people that can have totally emotionless FWB relationships. I know that sounds judgmental, but I just can't understand people that are able to totally separate sex from emotions and see it as nothing more than masturbation with another human being.

[buddha55]

I think it's possible... but don't you care for your friends? doesn't make it emotionless.

[laills]

They never end well as I recently found out. He was my friend or so I thought but I fell for him and now he no longer speaks to me. I feel used and heartbroken and I miss him so much 2 months on that I feel miserable all the time I still cry. I have lost someone i cared deeply for and it is so hard to come to terms with the fact that for him i was nothing an emotionless ride who he moved on from 3 weeks after he dumped me by text!

[Batya33]

I think it's fine when the people involved are close friends and therefore can speak honestly about boundaries, goals and have ongoing communication. I don't see why two people deciding to have sex when they're horny label it "friends with benefits" - that tells me they're not comfortable with their arrangement because they have to label it with an inaccurate euphemism. I was never interested enough in casual sex and later on I was completely uninterested.

[needhelp6]

In my case we couldn't stick with the FWB arrangement; she developed feelings and I used her to fill a void (also have some level of feelings). We've decided to take the next step and date. I can tell you for me, the FWB arrangement was more complicated than I thought it would be. See my post in Relationships for more background.

[Blue Spiral]

My FWBs tend to last between six months and two years, usually.

[capilot]

I've had a few, mostly with exes. We both knew we weren't getting back together, but we were still friends and we still liked sex. They worked great.

[itsallgrand]

Call me old fashioned, but I think "fwb" is basically another way of saying "casual sex". And I DO think it is possible to have positive encounters, though the risk is also there that they can be quite negative.

 

"casual sex" seems an easier way to think of it, too, IMO, because then there aren't these expectations involved that there is more to this than getting together for some fun, screwing, and ending it quick. It seems to me, IMO, to be a wording that people link with an expectation that casual sex situations are basically built in a way that makes it easy for them to be a longer term deal. Because "we are friends". And I think - they aren't built that way. That is exactly the beauty and downside of the deal, depending on how you look at it.

 

But at least if you go in thinking it's casual sex - short, an expiration date that is right around the corner, and for the moment - then you are free to enjoy it for what it is without feeling disappointed afterwards.

 

I think the real problem with this new label of FWB is that it has made casual sex boring and mundane. Everything that casual sex is an escape from, well to pretty it up and drag the thing out some would like to think it's about 'friends', but that just sucks the fun right out of it. No bigger crime than taking the one thing casual sex does provide (escape) , and emptying it of even that.

 

I've not been in an FWB situation. Years ago, I had a few (literally, a few) stabs at casual sex. IT wasn't for me, and I found out I wasn't interested in it, but it wasn't an overall negative experience either. They were very short - anything longer and I bet I'd have a negative experience too.

[Deciduous]

My FWBs tend to last between six months and two years, usually.

 

What? Whoa!!! Hold up!

 

How on earth to make them last that long? Two years??? Dude, you've left us hanging. There's quite a story there.

 

Capilot - I've had a few, mostly with exes. We both knew we weren't getting back together, but we were still friends and we still liked sex. They worked great.

 

Capilot - I suppose, I can see how that might work. Sort of! But doesn't that just slow the "moving on process" down? How do you heal?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are some people who have made it work..but I think for the most part it usually leads to drama and hurt feelings. Everyone who goes into an FWB always thinks they will be able to handle it...and then once the drama starts and they get hurt they end up wondering what in the world they were thinking getting into something like that.

[Blue Spiral]

What? Whoa!!! Hold up!

 

How on earth to make them last that long? Two years??? Dude, you've left us hanging. There's quite a story there.

 

Not really. Many women go through non-relationship phases where they're focused on their careers, kids, or some situation, and they don't want/have time for a relationship. It's just a matter of finding them at the right moment in their lives. I don't have anything to do with making it last; they leave when they're ready to get back into a relationship. I just passively enjoy it.

[Gilson]

I think FWB can work as long as it's exclusive and each side wants nothing else from it. However, in most cases, one side or the other looks for more with someone else, cutting off the FWB.

 

I don't think they ever end favorably Even without true emotions involved, one side or the other is likely to feel hurt.

 

I know that "exclusivity" kinda contradicts the FWB principal, but I think it's necessary.

[Gilson]

Not really. Many women go through non-relationship phases where they're focused on their careers, kids, or some situation, and they don't want/have time for a relationship. It's just a matter of finding them at the right moment in their lives. I don't have anything to do with making it last; they leave when they're ready to get back into a relationship. I just passively enjoy it.

 

I had a FWB situation with an ex for about two years a long time ago. She actually had a bf for part of that period (the guy she left me for). We hung out, had a good time and blah blah blah blah but we didn't need to be together 100% of the time like bf/gf and we didn't have to clear things with one another. We'd see each other a few times a week, hang out a bit, have sex and go back to our own thing.

 

I wasn't too hurt when she called it off. She left the one BF, started seeing a new new guy, got engaged...seven years later she left him and we lived together for seven years.

[becomingkate]

I haven't read the entire thread, but I do believe they work - if your expectations are where they should be. I had two FWB (not at the same time) but only saw them for about a month, maybe five weeks. It was great!

[capilot]

Capilot - I suppose, I can see how that might work. Sort of! But doesn't that just slow the "moving on process" down? How do you heal?

 

The first one was a relationship that ended on good terms. She broke up with me because our lives were going in different directions, but we kept sleeping together for a few more months. Not everything has to end "cold turkey".

 

The second one was a relationship that also ended on mostly good terms. Ten years later, we reconnected.

 

Another was a summertime romance that ended when she went on vacation, met Mr. Right, and came back with a ring. No hard feelings and we remained friends.

[Deciduous]

I haven't read the entire thread, but I do believe they work - if your expectations are where they should be. I had two FWB (not at the same time) but only saw them for about a month, maybe five weeks. It was great!

 

Clearly, I'm missing the FWB gene. I feel terribly cheated, having read your post, becomingkate. The whole thing just didn't feel natural for me. To a very large extent, I understand One-Night-Stands a lot more than I understand FWB's. With a O.N.S. the whole thing is contained in this box. It's a set period, with a very set end. It doesn't bleed into other parts of your life. It's not really given a chance to build up a head of steam.

 

Gilson; I had a FWB situation with an ex for about two years a long time ago. She actually had a bf for part of that period (the guy she left me for).

 

I said healthy examples of FWBs, gilson. This sounds more complicated than an episode of Dynasty.

 

I agree. I've certainly always found that feelings get involved from one side or the other and it's never as simple as being nothing more than FWB. And to be honest I've always slightly mistrusted people that can have totally emotionless FWB relationships. I know that sounds judgmental, but I just can't understand people that are able to totally separate sex from emotions and see it as nothing more than masturbation with another human being.

 

100% my thoughts exactly, allcity.

 

Bluespiral, did no attachment grow? Didn't ya shed a tear upon the depature of any of them?? I realise you're telling the truth, but I find it hard to believe that you give 'em all a kiss on the forehead and said, "Ta-ta for now Darling it's been fun for two years. Good luck with your new man" How is it possible to stop feelings from progressing, in all of these cases?

 

Deci

[LillyLooWho]

My boyfriend and I started out "casual" or FWBs or whatever you want to call it. I think the definition of those words mean that you have sex, maybe hang out once in awhile, even go to a movie if you want but there is no commitment and it's all loosy-goosy. It's the no commitment part that I associate with the term FWB. But anyway, my boyfriend and I started this way and even though we've been together exclusively for three years now, I believe that there are ramifications for us as a couple by starting out that way. So even though he is my boyfriend, I would still say that FWB is not the way to go, at least with a new person. A person that you really know well is different but usually neither party gets emotionally involved and eventually it just sort of ends.

[Blue Spiral]

Bluespiral, did no attachment grow? Didn't ya shed a tear upon the depature of any of them?? I realise you're telling the truth, but I find it hard to believe that you give 'em all a kiss on the forehead and said, "Ta-ta for now Darling it's been fun for two years. Good luck with your new man" How is it possible to stop feelings from progressing, in all of these cases?

 

I tend to spank them before I send them off, as opposed to kissing them on the forehead. In all seriousness, I want them to be happy, so, yes, I do wish them luck in their new relationship. I've never been the jealous type (quite the opposite, which has gotten me into trouble), so it's no big deal. Also, no attachment grew, though I suppose I'm "emotionally connected" to them in a non-romantic way. i.e., friends. It may be that my love for my two exes is too powerful for any other women to overcome; it may be that I have incredible self-control; and it may be that I'm just a cold, heartless b******.

[becomingkate]

Clearly, I'm missing the FWB gene. I feel terribly cheated, having read your post, becomingkate. The whole thing just didn't feel natural for me. To a very large extent, I understand One-Night-Stands a lot more than I understand FWB's. With a O.N.S. the whole thing is contained in this box. It's a set period, with a very set end. It doesn't bleed into other parts of your life. It's not really given a chance to build up a head of steam.

 

One of the FWB was a younger guy that I met when I was 25, I'd been out clubbing and he danced with me. Turned out he was in town on a construction job that would last a month or so, so he asked me if I was up to seeing him while he was in town.

 

I'd call him up after supper and arrange to meet him at the dance club, and it was fun knowing you'd have someone to do shots with, dance, and go home with later. The last time I called he wanted to forgo the dancing, but I was mad for clubbing so I went anyway and didn't call him anymore, because the following day he was leaving to go home.

 

The other FWB I had started getting feelings for me, so I told him I couldn't see him anymore.

[Batya33]

One of the FWB was a younger guy that I met when I was 25, I'd been out clubbing and he danced with me. Turned out he was in town on a construction job that would last a month or so, so he asked me if I was up to seeing him while he was in town.

 

I'd call him up after supper and arrange to meet him at the dance club, and it was fun knowing you'd have someone to do shots with, dance, and go home with later. The last time I called he wanted to forgo the dancing, but I was mad for clubbing so I went anyway and didn't call him anymore, because the following day he was leaving to go home.

 

The other FWB I had started getting feelings for me, so I told him I couldn't see him anymore.

 

In "my day" (the 80s and 90s we would have called the first guy "some guy I'm having a fling with" or "some guy I'm hooking up with". It would have never occurred to anyone I knew to refer to that person as a "friend" if you met him at a club and decided to have a short term fling. I think there are different issues that come up when established good friends decide to become sexual.

[Gilson]

My feelings have always been, and I've expressed this with single female friends before is that if two healthy, single, attractive people have needs and feel comfortable with each other and trust each other but are otherwise not really attracted to each other, why the hell can't they junp into bed together anyway?

 

Sure, feelings might develop and you deal with them.

 

There was a co-worker once (that, admittedly, I was attracted to) who I slept with briefly. It pissed me off when she cut me off, but in a very short time I got over it and we were friends again. It happened again at another job a few years later. We weren't even friends yet. We had a fling which ended quickly. I didn't stick around long enough for it to get better.

 

Hmm, I don't have a point.

[Jennifer89]

I personally have not done it. I know I would get attached really easily. I wish I could do it, i'd like to have more experience then I do, you know?

 

With that being said, I think it can be a good thing, it just depends on your personality and expectations. If you are in a place where you are not looking for a relationship or emotional support, it could work. Personaly I would want to have several friends so that I wouldn't be seeing the same one all the time. I don't know if that's common or not.

 

Point is its not for me but I won't say that it'll never happen. And just bc it's not for me, that doesn't mean it's not for you.

[247]

So the question is... can FWB's remain in an emotionally balanced space for very long.

 

Am I right? They can't. Or was I just doing it wrong

 

Deci

 

I tried FWB with a girl earlier this year, but ended up falling for her. Now we're happily together.

 

But Deci, the reason I quoted you was because I have read your replies in another thread and would really like to ask you privately for some advice, if that would be okay with you, please? Sorry for bumping the thread too, not sure what the rules are here but couldn't see a private messaging option.

[Deciduous]

Hi 247,

 

You need to switch on your private message fuction. A moderator should be able to help you.

 

Hope that helps

 

Deci