OK, this is VERY complicated!!

[JSHRN]

A few months ago, an attractive, married woman started working where I work. While she was on orientation we were introduced by a fellow co-worker as a "welcome to the the job" type gesture. I had absolutely no interest in her whatsoever, respecting her married status. We saw each other a few hours each week and things were strictly "casual-friendly". A few weeks ago she changed her work days and we now see each other at work more frequently. She became more friendly and talkative towards me, but I remained on just a friendly basis. She began telling me very personal details about her life. That she was bored by her marriage a few years ago and began a 2 1/2 year affair with a married man where she used to work. (The relationship was toxic. She told me got nothing out of it because he was very controlling. This is why she began the new job). The more we talked and shared the more we developed a solid friendship. She poured her heart out to me and said she felt sickened by what she had done and wanted to work on her marriage. I basically became her therapist (part of my background) and began helping her find ways to rebuild her marriage (her husband doesn't know about the afair). I'm interested in her but realize and respect that rebuilding her marriage is her priority. I told her to delete all phone numbers, voicemails, emails, text messages, anything having to do with the afair. She told me that she did that but now I find out that he's been texting her that he "loves her" and wants her to "have his baby". Of course now she's analyzing that he "loves her" and realizes she may still have feelings for him. I also told her that until she deletes ALL contact with him, she can't restore her marriage. (She's told me nothing good came out of the affair, so why would she want to go back to him?) She said he's not going to leave his life so what is she looking for? I'm very hurt by her actions because, aside from my stronger feelings for her, she's letting him control her again. She says she is so confuse and that makes me so mad because "if nothing good came from the afair, why go back? Is there anything I can do or say to further help her? I know if she goes back to this guy it will be the biggest mistake she's ever made (because he's not going to leave his wife). She's risking losing her marriage and her family (3 children and 1 grand-child). She's told me that she thinks she's a sex addict and that this guy was into some "crazy sexual stuff". Said he totally sucked as a partner but she liked his psychology.

 

Thoughts? I realize this is an extremely complicated situation but am hoping that someone here has some insight. Thanks.

[Clio]

I think that you need to detach emotionally from the whole situation. This is not your problem yet somehow you have been sucked into it to the point that you feel it is yours. Why is this so important to you? Could there be something in your own past that you are subconsciously trying to fix through this? Her behavior shows a person who lacks boundaries. However, the same could be said for you for allowing her to get to you this much. You cannot control other people's behavior and choices. You have told her what you think. That's it. You've done the best you could. If this is getting to you this much it might be good to distance yourself from her because right now it sounds like she is emotionally feeding off of you. She is definitely an attention seeker with multiple issues. But it may also be that you have co-dependency issues if you have let her get to you this much. You need to focus on your own life and problems and accept that you have done all you could in this situation, more than required really! Merry Christmas!

[catfeeder]

There's nothing complicated about the fact that you're allowing yourself to get sucked into someone else's mess on YOUR job.

 

I'd quit that, pronto.

 

There's nothing 'therapeutic' about what you're doing, and it's not professional--it's poison.

[bulletproof]

Get out. Tell her you can't be her "therapist" any more. You have admitted here that you have feelings for her, so why would you continue this way?

[pl3asehelp]

What's complicated?

 

For some reason, you decided to befriend a cheating liar who has no idea what to expect out of a relationship or how to make one work. I think you should cut contact with her unless it's work related communication. You are her next mistake. No reason you need to root in the mud with pigs.

[Princy]

Yeah right...get out of this situation do not put yourself in that mess