Need emergency help with exwife's request. Break NC/ LC?

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Abbreviated story: Married 13 yrs. Two girls, 8 & 11. My ex was caught in affair in Jan, said she lost attraction to me. Divorce final in April. I was crushed, she moved on immediately, started dating instantly, & is currently in a 5 month relationship & they seem to be going strong. He was just introduced to our girls. Feedback on their relationship from my mom-in-law is that he is far less generous than me (financially) and not as caring emotionally (i.e. he didn't seem concerned when my mom-in-law went missing recently; dementia). I would bet they're still in honeymoon phase with a few blooms falling off the rose, here & there.

 

I have been doing extremely well with LC lately (last 3-5 weeks) but beforehand, constantly pined over her & pushed her further away. I would say that my ex is finally getting the message that I am starting to move on.

 

Here's where I need advice: I have had our girls for the past several days & 2 nights ago she uncharacteristically sent me a text saying how much she misses them & to tell them goodnight, etc. Wow! With xmas in full swing, I know she must miss the fun we all had together as a family. Remember, this is out 1st xmas divorced. OK, last night I received a text asking if I wanted to come over to her house on xmas morning to watch the girls open gifts. Whoa!

 

I ignored both texts but I was thinking of sending the following "Merry Christmas eve! I hope you realize there's no place on earth I'd rather be! Many of our most cherished memories were watching our angels on xmas morning opening their gifts & squealing with joy. And, there was the smell of coffee & cinnamon rolls and the hilarity of getting the endless supply of breath mints & tongue scrapers that we put in each others' stocking every year! lol. As much as I'd like to be with you one last time, those days are over. You made your decision and these are the consequences. I am finally moving on but I will always have fond memories of the life I shared with you & our girls. We were truly blessed. Thanks for the invitation though."

 

What do you all think? Should I go or not? If I should go, how should I play it when I'm there?

[avman]

Truthfully I wouldn't go. She cheated on you and it destroyed the marriage. You are healing and moving on. I think going over there with a fantasy of remembering "how it used to be" will only confuse you and set you back in a big way. I mean what if she's also invited the new guy there too? Imagine how that would feel when you showed up at the door and he answers it.

 

Maybe a year or two down the line you can hang out as friends but I wouldn't go this year. Send her a polite decline.

[rask]

I wouldn't go.

 

I would just decline her invitation, and ask to have the kids later Christmas day.

 

I've never understood, coming from a divorced family, why I had to be with daddy on Christmas Eve, and mommy on Christmas, when there was plenty of time for me to be both places.

[DN]

I agree with avman. I can see why you want to message that but she will see it as manipulative.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wouldn't go, nor would I give her any long-winded explanation. I would just decline the offer saying it would be too confusing for the children since we are now divorced. Forget about waxing poetic about your life before. Keep it very short and about the children.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Wow, great advice, thanks!! Two guys & two gals; balanced feedback.

 

avman, you are so right. I broke LC on Thanksgiving when she asked me to come over & I was emotionally crushed for days afterwards. Her BF will be with his kids, so no chance of that happening thankfully. And yes, she cheated. Why in the hell am I still attracted to her?! I wish I wasn't but I'm constantly fighting to push those thoughts from my brain. I haven't physically seen her for weeks and I think it's actually helping me. All I need to do is see her & I take a step backwards. I realize I shouldn't go but it would mean a lot to our girls.

 

rask, yeah, that was the original plan. Drop them off tonight late & pick them back up later tomorrow to spend some time with me. I would love to know why she even wants me there. She's pushed me away for months (except on Thanksgiving) & I'm thinking these invites are just her way of checking to see if I'm still here whenever she wants me on her own terms.

 

DN, very nice perspective!! I didn't think of my response being perceived as manipulative, but I can see now how it might. Thanks! Just a simple decline, like "no thanks, enjoy your time with them and I'll be back over to get them at noon" may be the best way to go.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I hear what your saying about the longwinded-ness of my response. Our girls have been extremely mature about the entire divorce. They are probably confused at some level, but they are aware of what's going on. I have already heard from my 11 year old that she doesn't understand why Mom was dating so many guys. At least now she is seeing only one.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Any thoughts on why she asked me to be there?

 

And, it would appear that their are a few kinks in Mr. Wonderful's armor. I suppose that is to be expected, as no one is perfect.

 

I have divorced male friends who have all told me that at some point their exes came calling after their divorces (some wanted to get back together, others tried to establish friendships, others were just nosy). Many of my guy friends who knew us as a married couple tell me that there's no way in the world anyone will spoil my ex like I did for as long as I did.

[FrenchFries]

Maybe she's doing it for the girls, so Christmas morning will be somewhat the same as it always has been for them.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Frenchfries, I think that may be it exactly. She ended the marriage so she could pursue her own selfish endeavors with no regard to the implications to our girls. I'm under no illusions that her request had anything to do with her wanting to see me, that's for sure.

[RedDress]

I know a couple of (amicable) divorced families who do this - they spend christmas morning together. It is kind of nice for the kids and I don't think it's overly confusing - it's just a few hours (with lunch) and other extended family is usually there as well. So it's just a time when family gets together.

 

I don't think there are rules about how your family dynamic gets to be. You get to decide that. I don't think the idea is "wrong".

 

That being said - I think it's wrong for you at this juncture. You clearly still have feelings for your ex that you are struggling with. Waxing poetic, wondering why she is doing what she is doing, these are all tell-tale signs that you are not over it. And that's understandable. But destroying yourself in the process is not worth it. Having a second christmas is just as good for the kids. Don't do it.

[DN]

My sister and her husband once spent Christmas with his children, his ex-wife and her boyfriend. It worked because everyone was amicable (his ex-wife and her boyfriend had even attended my sister's wedding).

 

But in your case, if you wife is doing it for the kids, I think she is trying to re-create something that cannot be re-created. She broke the family and trying to pretend it is whole again for Christmas Day will not work. Either the children will not be fooled and the day will be false, or they will be misled into thinking their parents are about to reconcile.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Hi DN, great post! I will NOT be attending anything that EVER involves her BF. That's a boundary I will not cross. Even my ex never admitted/ suggested to me she had a steady BF when we were friendly before NC. She HAS to realize I know about him, but she NEVER brings him (or his existence) up. Weird, really.

 

Yes, it is my belief she is trying to re-create the unre-create-able. If I were to guess, I'd say you are right at a certain level. She mainly wanted to end the marriage without any fall-out/ negative consequences. She wants me to be a "stand-in" Dad to ease her pain when needed and to make the really emotionally difficult times easier.

 

I wish she wanted "me" and not the cardboard stand-in "Dad figure for the girls" that she treats me like, but that's where we're at right now.

 

My girls will see right through it. They are EXTREMELY mature. They have ZERO thoughts about us reconciling, of that I am sure. They know their Dad still loves Mom and they also know that Mom's feelings are different. They may wish for reconciliation internally, but their Mom has never flirted with me, etc. since the BU. My ex has consistently sought a "let's be friends" vibe when we are in front of the girls. I used to be over her house A LOT over the past 3-4 months and the girls loved it because they got to see me more frequently. They act just like they used to when we were married. They sit at the table with us for dinner, pray with us, etc. Kinda weird. I'm glad I no longer go over there as I was the one who left hurt/ damaged by the illusion.

 

So basically, it's like you said, it will be false to them. She should know this! I wonder if at some level it's for her too? I'm not wishing that to be the case, I'm simply wondering. She might be missing certain things about me. Of course, maybe not... I'm going to keep focusing on me and let this play out how its meant to. Man, divorce sucks.

[Tired Tiger]

As those texts were a couple of days ago, and you haven't responded, it would be best to just leave it alone. Silence is a far stronger message than anything. If she were to push the issue, I would simply decline by saying you have other plans (but without any clue as to what those plans are). Other than that, consciously try to avoid too much analysis of her intentions. This is more in the realm of familiarity/nostalgia, at best (which is fleeting).

 

For your particular circumstances, here's a thread that will give you more insight than you'd imagine:

 

 

 

That should keep you busy for awhile.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Wow TT, very deep. I'll be reading all ur link soon. My instincts continue to let me down as I decided to text her back & agree to coming over tomorrow AM to watch the girls open gifts. For some reason she thinks I am staying awhile tonight when I drop them at 8. She invited me to come in for awhile a few texts ago but i never said I would.

 

Then, she follows up with another text, going out of her way to tell me: "We will spend Christmas morning together. It will be good. There is somewhere I have to go in the afternoon. I have to leave by 1:00. So plan on taking the girls with you, as planned around 12:00 or so.*" to which I reply : "Yeah, I get it. "

 

She's going to meet her BF, no doubt. Why must she toy with me?

 

Her reply: "Why do u respond like that? It's not necessary.*"

 

"Anyway, looking forward to the night and morning.*"

 

It's not as if I wasn't warned. Be this a lesson to those who choose not to take the advice of those ppl in this forum who have lived through the misery.

 

I suppose I could still send her a text that I changed my mind & think its best for her to share some alone time with the girls in the morning.

 

I'm in a purgatory of my own making. Sure, she cheated on me, but for some reason I cannot rid my mind of her, even in divorce. I'm truly tortured.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Wow, TT! The Walkawaywife syndrome is unreal. There so many similaries to my ex it's uncanny. I've read through half of the 200+ pages and while it's interesting, I don't see what can be done about it. Some wives wake up & realize their mistakes (some may come back if their ex's will have them) and some do not.

 

As for me. I went over on both xmas eve & xmas morn and it was both wonderful & awful. The time we spent together was magical. It was as if we weren't divorced. My mom-in-law was there too. It was me, my ex, our two girls, and Mom. It was literally just like the past 15 years. We laughed like crazy, shared deep, warm smiles & hugs... unbelieveable.

 

There was a moment while reviewing some of the pictures we just took from her camera when I ran accross pics of my ex & her BF. I went catatonic. Talk about spoiling the mood! She didn't realize they were on the camera & I didn't say anything to her at the time.

 

There were other times when things were so damn awesome that I wept openly. So did my ex. On two separate occasions she started crying & got up and walked out of the room to compose herself. The second time, I looked at her Mom, who gestured to me to go follow her. I met her in her room, held her, wiped her tears, and said "honey, what's wrong?" I assumed she was feeling the same emotions as me; "what in the world have we done?! Why did we throw all of this away?!" Well, she went rigid and said to me "Look! I'm fine. It's just emotional, that's all!" Okey dokey. I replied warmly "ok I just wanted to make sure you were okay" and I left the room. She will NOT open up to me.

 

When the kids & her Mom went to bed on xmas eve, my ex & I stayed up talking for 2 hours! Nothing heavy, just chit-chat about this & that. Once I noticed how late it was getting, I excused myself and went to my place. I returned before 7AM. The girls were still sleeping. We enjoyed a cup of coffee and finally had to wake the kids up (first time thats ever happened)!

 

 

After all the gifts were opened, Mom went back to her place & I helped my ex straighten the house. Then, as planned, I asked the girls to get dressed because they were coming over my place. My ex was planning on heading to her BFs to meet his Dad, who was in from out of town (she didn't know I knew this).

 

Just before I left, I met her alone in her room and told her that I had a wonderful time. I also told her that it was hard for me knowing that she was in love, and that I could see it in her eyes in the pics I saw on her camera. She said what pics?! and she went to get the camera to see what I saw (she keeps pretending that I don't know about her BF...please!). I explained that the time we spent together the past 2 days was wonderful. I said that I just know we would have been able to work everything out if we had stuck it out. I told her that I just wanted her to be happy. She started to tear up, then her defenses took over. She said she didn't want to talk about it right then, but she would explain what all her tears meant some other time. When I got the girls ready to go, she gave me the deepest hug she has since before we were divorced. I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek, & we left.

 

 

Later in the day, I brought the girls over to see Grandma & we talked. Mom told me point blank that she thought my exes tears were tears of regret. She went further to tell me that my ex has been a little critical of her BF lately.

 

I don't know what to make of any of this!!! My ex texted me later in the day & asked me to remind her of some random story she wanted to tell me the next time we have a chance to speak. This is odd because we were in extremely limited contact before her invite to attend xmas with her & the girls. She obviously wants to increase our level of contact. I don't know how to proceed.

 

DN is going to tell me to go right back to moving on & living my life He will tell me that if she wanted to come back, she would tell me so.

 

What do you say, DN? Is this nothing more than breadcrumbs or a brief contact? She may just want me in the friendship zone, I suppose.

 

Confused.

[pl3asehelp]

Let her live with her decision like an adult. She wants to increase your level of contact? DO NOT DO THAT. You're just going to hurt yourself spending any time with her at all. Drop the kids off and communicate only about the kids.

[JJ2980]

Wow my heart breaks for you. The reason you're finding it hard to let go is because you've invested a lot of years into your marriage - building a home together, having children etc and that's not something one can easily walk away from. Heck I wouldn't even be able to imagine what it must feel like for you. I know you're looking for any small gleans of hope but for the moment she's not there although she does sound like someone who may be confused. Whether its because she misses the good times you had as a family or if she's regretting her decision slightly, I have no idea. I would only stay in contact for the kids sake - and even then I wouldn't respond unless she contacted you first. Maybe one day things will work out but don't wait around moping. You need to carry on and build up your self-esteem and confidence again. Best wishes StillWantHer

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Thanks JJ. It's hard to tell where her head is at. She may b missing me a little. She knows I'm an awesome Dad & her BF will never treat our girls like I do. And, we never had arguments, etc. plus, we went on fabulous vacations, etc. Her new BF is tight w/ money & would never drop $20 k on a vacation like we used to. It will b interesting to see if he's able to keep her happy in the long run. Right you are, I need to rebuild my confidence & self esteem. That's the plan.

[DN]

DN is going to tell me to go right back to moving on & living my life He will tell me that if she wanted to come back, she would tell me so.

Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you. Don't be misled by her tears, missing aspects of the past does not translate into wanting to get back together for the future.

 

When you are there for the kids - be there for the kids alone and don't be thinking about her and getting back together. Ideally you would go no contact but you can't because of the kids. Her Mom was wrong to encourage you to go after her - and the outcome was to be expected.

 

Don't tell your ex what she already knows; that you love her and want her back. All that does is push her further away. Let her know by actions only that you accept her decision, are there for the kids and only the kids and are going to move on without her.

 

And frankly, if she were to want you back because you spent money on her, that would say all you need to know about her character and be reason to refuse to get back with her.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

DN. Thanks for the predictable straight talk. I will resume NC/ LC. The push-pull theory really works. When she found out I went on a date a month ago she went nuts (her Mom told me). Strange. They want what they can't gave & devalue what they have. Good advice.