is this cheating-emotionally?

[sweetharmony]

Hi. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. (see old posts for more info). anyways, he's doing a rotation right now in south america and right before he left, i finally asked him about what's going to happen when he leaves for residency and i finally shared with him the pain i feel when he talks of his future and says I and not we. well, he was very quiet and said, i can't change things. you know that. he said, "whatever you need to do to be okay..." basically implying, if you need to break up, fine. and then he says, well, who knows what will happen, i may end up staying here- implying, well, the only way we can stay together is if I stay here.

 

So, we both said to think about it. and he's evading the topic now, pretending the conversation didn't happen.

 

Well, I recently found out that one of my good friends, who I had a crush on likes me a lot and has developed feelings for me. I, too really like him. We are so much a like, have similar values, etc... I can talk to him better than my boyfriend. I can share things with him without him judging me. I'm never like that with my boyfriend for fear. I know my friend would be an incredible boyfriend. all the framework is there. the only thing is, I'm pretty much ready to look for marraige (26 now) and at this point. my friend is two years younger than I, hasn't gone to college and is unsure of his goals, future- he's not where he wants to be and is working a dead-end job. he's sort of lost. But he's super intelligent, cultured, has the potential for great things, just kinda lost at the moment and has dated girls who have used him in the past. We were supposed to go out Saturday with friends and the others ditched us, so it was the two of us. We were a little tipsy, and we danced and flirted together all night- very nicely and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and forehead- that's it, but I felt extremely guilty and told him that I think I emotionally cheated on my boyfriend. I told him that I've liked him from day one and he told me the same.

 

anyways, do I tell my current boyfriend or no? Was that emotionally cheating? what do I do. do i break up with my current boyfriend if he can't give me a straight answer about our relationship?

 

thanks!

[lillady898]

I don't neccesarily think it's exactly cheating, but I'm not saying it's right or wrong. People may view it differently. Personally, if my boyfriend did that, I would be pretty upset. I don't know if it's really something to break up over, but who can really tell? Nevertheless, I think you should tell him, so he has the final decision in whether he feels wronged against or not. Wouldn't you want him to do the same? Who knows, he may forget about it and move on for your honesty, and trust you more in the long run. Or... He could break up with you. There are countless possibilites, but I think the best way to go is by admitting to that night.

[arwen]

I think the reasons why this happened are more important to discuss with your bf than WHAT happened. For cheating there are so many different definitions. You did not have sex, and having feelings for someone else is a natural thing to happen, especially when the current relationship is not satisfying your needs.

 

Your bf doesn't sound really committed to you, but who am I to decide? Maybe he is extremely busy putting his life on track, and maybe it's too difficult to include you in every single step...

 

Ilse.

[Lily04]

It seems to me like you're almost looking for an excuse to break up with your bf & consider this other guy..I don't think it's necessarily wrong to have feelings for this guy, I don't know if it's considered cheating or not..that's up to your own moral code. However, if I were you I would seriously consider whether you want to stay in this relationship or take a break. If he's going away for a while, it might be best to break up with him & date other people. 26 is still young, you have time to explore. Many people are still in school at your age (i.e. many med school/professional school students don't get married until after they finish school, and are just graduating around then..) One of my friends just got married at 30..it's normal nowadays. Don't feel pressured to oblige to anything if you don't feel ready. At the same time you can tell your bf you still have feelings for him, you're just not sure about commitment yet..I don't want to put words into your mouth, but that's just sorta what I'm getting from your post, and it's what I'm feeling as well (if you're interested, check out my post in the long-distance relationship forum..I can tell you first-hand that LD is hard although salvagable if you have a deep relationship.)

 

Bottom line is do what you feel is right for you, don't decide anything on the basis of age or what you feel you SHOULD do. Do what you want to do now at this point in your life, and if you want to stay in touch with your current bf being just friends, that's always a possibility.

 

Good luck & take care,

 

lily04

[sweetharmony]

thanks for your advice, everyone. the strange thing is. I started to feel really close to my boyfriend. Whenever we area apart for more than a half day, we miss each other constantly. He calls me up to tell me how much he misses me, etc.. and we both feel such a longing. the day after he left, he called to let me know he missed me so much and yearned to hold me. after I found out how much my friend now likes me, i feel like i don't miss my boyfriend too much. i feel emoitonally blocked off from him-also due to the fact i'm pulling away- afraid to get hurt by him when he leaves for residency.

 

i want to feel close to my byfriend again. i want o miss him dearly and remember all the good times we shared, but I feel so empty right now. i am angry at him. i'm afraid that with my empty, numb feelings abiut him, i'll be drawn closer to my friend, and i don't want that now. i want to stay committed and try and work things out wiht my current bf. b/c i do love him, (I think). and i feel so emotionally empty for him right now. he sent me an e-mail saying he missed me dearly and my e-mail back to him was just friendly and casual- not romantic or anything of the sort. i don't know what to do. i just wish my current bf wants me in his future. he's got all the qualities I'm looking for. I'M SO CONFUSED.

 

thanks!

[lonelyandblue]

It looks to me like your current relationship is over and a new one has begun. Just be kind and let your boyfriend know now so he can move on, too.

[sweetharmony]

but I don't want to end things with my boyfriend. I want to get back to that intimacy we shared two weeks ago. the conversation about our future has forced me to push my feelings deep within me for fear of getting hurt. I don't want to end things with my biyfriend. I just want an answer from him- i want to know that he sees a future with me- whether it be long-distance, him asking me to move with him, etc... i just want to know whether i am convenient for the next 7 months until he leaves for his medical residency or if he sees something beyond that. I just have to wait a few weeks until he retunrns from his rotation to talk more.

 

but I see a future with my boyfriend, i'm just putting up a wall right now for fear. i think if he were to tell me he lvoes me and sees a future, i could allow myself to feel again and completely push my feelings for my friend away.

[sweetharmony]

and another thing. my bf just found hsi relgiion again adn has become more religious in the process. He told me about this web site (like friendster) for more religious dating a while back. well, i decided to check it out, (has this feeling he was on there) well, guess what- he's on there- looking to meet people and it says he's willing to relocate- looking for a religious girl.

 

do i tell him i saw him on there? what do i do? i don't want him to think i'm keeping track of everything he's doing. but I feel betrayed now.

 

not really sure at this point.

 

also, while he was in NY doing his rotation, I checked his dating profile (where we met) and he had changed it for New York. but never contact ed anyone. well, i confronted him after a month and he told me that he thought that he wanted to meet friends up there and thought this the best way, but then realized it was a stupid idea.

 

anyways, i'm not sure what to do. I'm an emotional mess right now.

[lillady898]

This is difficult, and I know what it's like having a boyfriend who doesn't see a future together and that you cannot completely trust. My boyfriend and I even have a set date next month when he comes home from college where we will determine what is going to become of us... I probably won't be waiting that long. He just doesn't care about our relationship anymore. I, now, can't imagine being in this painful relationship forever. And he has cheated on me while under the influence of alcohol. I can't trust him completely. So, for my sanety and dignity, I am soon hoping to break things off. This, too, is long distance. I love him very, very much and he has everything I'd ever prayed for. But sometimes it just doesn't compensate for the pain you're being put through. I keep thinking that maybe things will get better. Just ask yourself, could you see yourself with him forever? And really think of what forever means. Could you wonder if he's searching for another girlfriend for your whole life? It's just things you have to consider. Just as I am right now.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think the best think you could do is not to consider having a new relationship until you finish the one you are in.

It seems to me (remember it's only my opinion) that you are debating on whether to hold on to a dead relationship or move on, now ask yourself, Why are you still willing to make an effort, to work on something that is gone?.

That guy is clearly saying and clearly looking for a "religious girl", what for?, let's say for friendship, and he's going to relocate for a friend? clearly not.

He might have done the ecstasy thing to see if he made you angry and you did the "dirty work" for him. So he's not very smart, he's not honest, he's not a good person and he's afraid of making brave decisions.

But it's over, now get that guilt off OF you, talk to him and heal, then you can think seriously about other guys.

[arwen]

Hey sweetharmony,

 

I can imagine things are a bit rocky for you at the moment. I agree with stolenshadow, don't start something new before you are sure of ending something else. I have been at the receiving end of that with my ex, and that is 2 years ago, and it still hurts thinking about it.

 

I still think your interest for that other guy is directly related to something that you miss with your bf at the moment. Back off from the other guy for now, and talk honestly with your bf. Yes, you can tell him about the dating profile. The internet is public, so it's not like you went through his personal emails or broke into his account at that website? You could even say a friend saw you there, and you checked it out later (although that would be a white lie).

 

Good luck!!

 

Ilse.

[sweetharmony]

thanks everyone for your comments. I agree. it's not really in my best interest to start something new at this moment. despite what my boyfriend has done, I feel just as guilty for the flirting- albeitmine was sort of a spur of the moment thing which i ultimately know was wrong. My boyfriend's profile was a deliberate, thought out process. anyways, at this point, he's in South america for the month. i sent him an e-mail last night telling him what I saw. haven't heard back from him yet. do i end things over the internet? or do i wait for him to return. either way, i will not get into this new relationship b/c a. i don't want it to be rebound. I think I'd have to begin thigns very slowly. I don't want to end up hurting two more people b/c of my lack of caution- and I don't want to ruin a good friendship. i need to heal right now and be alone for a while. jumping into something else is just not the answer. but my question is, how do i end things with my current boyfriend, considering he's so far away and I really don't want to wait until her returns in three weeks. i need to just start moving on right now.

[arwen]

You can ask him to call you. Sounds like you made up your mind about your bf, so better end things now than later. I am in a LDR, and IF I wanted to break up, I am very sorry, but it would be over the phone... oooof even thinking about breaking up, glad I have no reason whatsoever to do that...

 

3 weeks is long to wait, but maybe wait for him to reply first. Does he have a cell phone? Send him a msg that you send him an email and that it's important to you that he replies. Don't do that today, but like if you haven't heard from him by tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Sounds like he is very busy, so maybe give him some space to react first?

 

Ilse.

[Tsunami]

I think that although it might have been a good relationship with your boyfriend, if it feels better with your friend then it would be better to go with him. When you say this guy (your mate) is a bit stuck, would you be good for him? could you help him get through collage/uni and be there for him when he needs someone?

 

You only live once and what you have with your friend sounds more substansial that with your boyfriend. It all comes down to who you would prefer to be with really. I hope i have been some help x

[Tsunami]

I just read your other comments after i had posted mine. I think i've missed some stuff. Sorry. From what i read that is my opinion but im very sorry if ive totally said the wrong thing