Final Update & Lesson Learned

[eastonweston]

After 4.5 months since the breakup (together for 5 years), but being in contact about once per week, I thought I was strong enough to invite myself over to my ex's apartment a few days ago to hang and talk. She's said she wanted to be friends, so I knew I was welcomed. I looked my best and walked over.

 

Let me say this: I don't know if it was just me, but the first time you think you're "strong" enough, you're probably not. Everything went fine, we laughed, we watched tv, she served ice cream, etc. She brought up our past a little, and I went with it. But then we got back on track and I ended up tucking her in to bed and left. But I could tell she was keeping her distance.

 

I went home and went to bed.

 

The next morning, I had an emotional hangover. I had the worst depressing feeling I've had since the breakup 4.5 months ago. I realized that I missed her so incredibly much, the feeling was so intense and powerful. I realized too that she really does just want to be friends, and all going over there did to me was remember how adorable she is, make me want to be with her like crazy, and then feel depressed as **** because I realize that I can't have her. I got set back at least 3 months in healing.

 

Again, the first time you feel 'strong' enough, ignore that feeling and keep going. Trust me. You may not really be strong enough.

 

I had to take off from work the next day because my mind was a wreck. I was pacing back and forth in my neighborhood, I couldn't sit still. The knot in my stomach was horrible. I miss her so, so much and hanging out with her in her apartment with her short little loose-fitting pajama shorts and a tee with no bra was not good. Being around her personal items, half of which were gifts from me was excruciating. Sure it felt wonderful in the moment, but the hangover the next morning was intense.

 

So last night I knew I had to put a bullet in this whole mess. She had given me breadcrumbs for a while, not big ones, but she'd initiate contact most of the time, picture messages of things she saw, etc. So I had enough of this turmoil. I realize with the help of others on this site that if I didn't make a stand, I'd be in 'friend' limbo forever. I'd never allow myself to heal.

 

So I send her a text last night, asking her if she would be around to talk on the phone that night, that I'd like to ask her a question. Her response? "Um. Ok. Is it going to be awkward?" This wasn't a great start. We planned on talking around '9-something'.

 

So I give her a call at 9:15P. No answer. I call again at 9:30P. No answer. Again at 9:55P. I wait until 11P and finally decide to send her an email. I say that I guess she was busy tonight, but I get the feeling that she's still bitter towards me for how I treated our relationship. I ask her to please not hate me, I am gravely sorry for how I mistreated her. I said I understand that this is over and that I wanted final confirmation. More apologies, etc. etc. (the things you're not supposed to do 4.5 months after BU, but I didn't care. I really was very mean to this sweet girl, and the guilt eats at me. She needs to understand how remorseful I am).

 

She calls me a couple of minutes after I send it and says she just got in, that the night didn't go as planned, and she's sorry she wasn't available around 9. She said she was just reading my email and she does not hate me, and she does forgive me. She said she's very confused because she thought we discussed all of this already a month ago, about us letting go and putting the past behind us. She said didn't realize she was leading me on, she just thought we were on the same page about being friends. She said she told me quite clearly that she only could be friends with me, and that by me continuing to hang out or reply, she assumed I was okay with it. Big miscommunication.

 

I told her that I've made tremendous strides in changing my ways, she says she agrees and see those changes and is so happy. I asked "is there anything that I can do to make this right, to have us slowly start working on us.' She said no, she's so sorry, but all romantic feelings towards me are gone, and probably have been for a while (ouch). She says my anger and yelling at her and keeping her on edge about our relationship for so long has drained her of any attraction for me. I said I completely understand, apologized some more, etc. Even cried. (This guilt is excruciating and I am so disgusted with myself that I don't know what to do).

 

She says nicely and sweetly (even crying) that she is sure that I will find a girl that will make me much happier than she did or could. She said we're not compatible and that she's too independent for me. She said we pushed each others buttons. I explained to her that I was just an *******, it's not that we pushed each others buttons, and that I love her how she is, I don't care if she's independent. As we all know, at this point nothing can be said to change her mind. But again, I kept apologizing for my behavior towards her during our relationship, the petty fights constantly, the jealousy. She says she understands I am sorry and forgives me and doesn't hate me. But it's just not going to happen.

 

She says that if any feelings were to come back, it would be years down the road, but probably never. I told her that I need to go away for a while, distance myself. She said okay, she understands and hopes I feel better.

 

After 5 years of being inseparable with this girl, I feel so depressed and in despair. I feel alone and lost. I leaned on her WAY too much for my happiness, and now that she's gone, I'm a wreck. On top of the grieving of the loss, on top of the rejection of not being good enough for her, I am ridden with this guilt of how I took her for granted and yelled at her so often while she cried and just wanted us to stop fighting. She begged us to stop fighting over five years, and yet I would continue to constantly argue. I've now been in 19 weeks anger management classes, as well as relationship therapy. It's helping SO MUCH, but unfortunately a side effect is seeing all of my past actions with such clarity that the guilt makes me want to throw up. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to make this right. All I want in this world is the opportunity to treat her the way she deserves and to show her how much she means to me, to make up for my wrongness.

 

How do I relieve this guilt? How do I get over it? How do I stop replaying my meanness to her in my mind? I can't stop dwelling, I can't concentrate on anything else. I feel horrible, it's eating me alive. On top of the loneliness and despair.

 

Again, let me repeat: the first time you think you're strong enough to get in touch, you may not be.

[ghost1ee]

I can totally relate to you, eastonweston. I also have this lingering guilt that I "abused" my ex-gf because I occassionally throw a fit and anger at her when my temper just bursts. I realized I was wrong in the fact that I didn't manage my anger properly. It really bothers me day and night as well, but I keep telling myself it's over with. Even with however much we want to get back with our ex b/c they were the love of our lives, we can't change their feelings toward us.

 

Your post also made me realize that re-contacting my ex would just bring more pain to myself. That post of yours re-strengthened my goal to stick with strict NC. I'm now on Day 9 NC and I'm planning to keep up with it. I'm just worried that if she do contact me, I wouldn't know what to do. If she does, I'll post it here first before I even reply to her. But I'm not expecting a re-contact from her at all b/c that will just lead to disappointments and extra pain if it doesn't happen.

 

Also, yes, I'd say just let her go. It is hard, even for me, or the rest of us here, but letting go of the ones we love on this case is for the best. It will hurt like hell, or is hurting like hell now, but as time heals it, we will be stronger. I hurt everytime I think of my ex, because she's the most beautiful girl I made myself think and because she's my first love. But even then, I know our situation wasn't right. We also pushed each other's buttons, the long distance between us also played a major factor, and we realized we just weren't compatible in the end. Well we didn't explicitly tell each other that we weren't compatible, but our actions showed it. So in the end, we were not meant to be. Heal yourself by starting strict NC, and just let yourself heal from all of this. Our exes, we view them as the most important person to us, or used to, but we can't force them to feel the same way about us. You just have to see that and accept it. Once you accept it, you'll start the healing completely. I am in the process too. It is tough I know, but we'll get through it.

[Ms Darcy]

Kudos to you both for the honesty. It is hard but I hope you will finally accept this is over. The guilt ... well that is a tougher animal. I think you have to just keep telling yourself that you will use this experience to make yourself a better man and a better boyfriend.

[Chalk]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My other half of 6 years broke up with me as he couldn't see a future with me. I know how hard it is to go from spending the majority of time with someone to have them grow away from you & then have to go into NC to protect yourself.

 

Initially, I literally had to take it moment by moment and day by day - not think about the future at all just look forwards to tiny things.

 

Forgiving myself for behavior in the relationship which may or may not have affected the outcome? I'll tell you my thoughts on me...I was the best I could be at that moment going on the experiences in life I had had at that point (because we all learn how to behave and are not born bad/good). I can't change the past, I wish I could, but the only thing I can do is learn. I am strong enough to look at myself and take responsibility for my actions.

 

In my mind, IF I'm gonna be in a long relationship again (cause I may have died of bitterness by then) forgiving myself & my partner are important.

[Cope and Hope]

Hence the importance of NC and truly healing, moving on, and being over the situation before making contact again. There rarely is any sort of meaningful reconciliation without significant time apart.

 

Best of luck to you on a speedy recovery E.

[tk80]

I'm sosorry for you, man, I know exactly what you are feeling, I'm in this place right now. We both (me and bf) made mistakes but I pulled the plug. Now it's been 3 months and I want him back desperately. The only difference is that he doesn't tell me he doesn't want it, just that he is still hurt, cannot do it now for pride and doesn't want to spend so much time with me because he doesn't want to fall in love with me. I know it doesn't help a lot, but at least you are not alone

[eastonweston]

Thanks everyone. I sure do hope that I will heal faster than I imagine it will take. This girl was my second half, literally joined at the hip, my best friend. To not have her by my side through life, and to know that she will never be again, is devastating. We seemed to 'click' and every trait about her I loved.

 

Just like everyone else, I think "I'll never find a girl like her, with her traits and personality and values." We make our ex's ways of living the standard for which all new people's personalities and likes/dislikes need to match. I'm sure that I only think of her 'traits' and character makeup as 'my type' because I got comfortable and use to the way she is. I'm sure that I will feel the same about someone else in the future who has different 'traits.'

 

But as of now, I feel like the way she is, the way she laughs, the way she jokes, the way she dresses - that those combinations make me crazy about her and that no one else will have those same combinations, and thus, I will never love someone again.

 

This is stupid thinking, I know. But it's where I'm at right now.

[ghost1ee]

I also have that mentality right now. I keep worrying that I will never be able to meet someone like her again. But thinking about it, we just got used to our ex's traits and got attached to those as we fell in love deeper with them. They were the ones we loved the most, so it's normal that their characteristics and traits are the type that we also love the most. We made ourselves think that whatever trait they had, are the perfect trait in women. Love blinded us to think this way, to ignore their own flaws and just saw them as perfect humans. But as time passed, the incompatibility appeared. There were some traits in either of the couple that just does not match, and external factors like distance also played its part (at least in my case, we lived in different countries and never met).

 

But in time, the day should come when we view that other women are starting to attract us as well. Maybe our unconscious will still look for those certain traits on a girl we're attracted to, for example maybe physically, but at least now, we learned our past mistakes in our past relationship. This will make us more stable in our next relationship. Just don't force a new relationship, just let it appear unexpectedly. That real love, that true love of your life, will just appear unexpectedly and our heart can be happy again.

[thebigman]

eastonweston your post describes exactly how im feeling with regards to my ex. a beautiful,sweet,perfect woman who i lost due to my own need to argue over petty things, that if i couldve let go a few times then maybe we would still be together. this fact haunts me, knowing that the demise of our relationship was at my own hands. i hope things get better for you my friend. all the best.

[JohnGalt]

this post should be ****in stickied.

[Shane Falco]

Sorry to hear that Easton. Hopefully this will be a good learning experience, not only on how to treat a woman in a relationship, but how to build up your willpower to repel those urges that cause you pain and anguish. Go NC and continue your healing. You'll be all right.

[oap81]

What we all must do is learn from our mistakes and make sure the same things do not happen again. I have been seperated from my ex since May after a seven year rlelationship. I also have tremedous guilt over what I did since I cheated. I did the same as far as trying to prove I am a better man. But it was to late.

[beatlesfan123]

Ahhh E what happened to you sucks man but it was inevitable...

 

I think all dumpers have the same mentality as yours fresh from the break up, they may come around but going back and asking for another shot just takes the dumper back to how the felt around the time of the breakup, so contact = big no no!

[sharky988]

I'm really sorry, E. I know how much you wanted it to work out : (

[eastonweston]

Thanks everyone.

 

At this point, I can't tell which I'm more distraught over: the loss of her, or the guilt I feel. Both are probably connected.

 

As others have given me advice on, the best thing I can do to overcome the guilt is to let my ex know how truly sorry and remorseful I am for how I mistreated her, let her know that I have completely knocked some sense into myself, and am a changed man. I asked her for forgiveness, and she gave it to me.

 

I realize that the best way for me to make it up to her is to let her go and find happiness. It's the only thing left to do.

 

As well, I look forward to being in a new relationship when the time is right and implementing all that I've learned from these mistakes, treating my new girl like a man should.

 

Letting go is so, so tough. But I see that it really is the only way to make things right.

 

Who knows, maybe somewhere down the road, years later, our paths will cross and I'll get my chance. But that's beyond my control and I don't hold on to that possibility.

 

I also realized that there will be other girls that I will meet whose idiosyncratic 'traits' I will come to love just as much, if not more, than my ex's, even if they're different. As I and another said earlier in this thread, we only think that our ex's specific character attributes are what we like because we grew accustomed to them and comfortable with them over the relationship. Someone else will come along with their own unique character attributes and I will grow to love those as well. This is all just about security and comfort at the end of the day.

 

Thanks again everyone. I guess it's time for me to move on over to the "Healing After Breakup" forum

[Cope and Hope]

Ha! No worries E, you'll be fine. If anything I'll come and check up on you in a few months when I'm on the East Coast and take you up on that beer offer

[ghost1ee]

this post should be ****in stickied.

 

Hehe. Thanks for that man. When I was typing that, I actually made the realization that I was feeling better right away.

[eastonweston]

Thanks, Cope. Definitely, if you're in the NYC area, send me an email and we'll meet up. I'll PM you my email address.

 

Ha! No worries E, you'll be fine. If anything I'll come and check up on you in a few months when I'm on the East Coast and take you up on that beer offer

[Skobefree]

I can understand what you're going through man, just as most people here will. Don't hate yourself, nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. You will be a far better guy for the next girl and this has all been practice. Focus on the fact that you will be happy again, you will meet other girls. You are just comfortable and used to this girl and you were close to her for a long time so you will always have feelings for her. A lot of what you're feeling is probably because you have not yet adjusted back to your normal self fully.

 

One thing I focus on when I think about my ex is the beginning of the relationship. We had a lot in common, which is an important start. But we had differences too and these differences made me doubt being with her a lot for the first year or 2. Time together draws people closer and when you finally become close enough to share strong feelings, you will become comfortable with this person and you will share mannerisms and bond with them. You will start to notice that things you dislike about that person become things that you love about them. I miss my ex like crazy and I love her so much. But I know that I wouldn't have been truly happy with her. Her friends and family are so different to my family and friends. We are 2 different people from 2 very different lives who spent 95% of our time alone together. She wanted me to be a bigger part of her life and I let her down a lot. After breaking up I swore I would have loved to have been more involved in her life but having had an attempt at reconciliation, I have realised that she is not the same girl... There are still plenty of things about her that I completely adore but I just miss the past. It was the best time of my life so far, but we are no longer meant to be. And she no longer cares about me at all. I'm sure she's not pining anymore or hurting at all, she's out there enjoying her life.

[eastonweston]

Thanks, Skobefree. I appreciate it.