Food for thought regarding NC

[Mistykitty]

Yes, another NC thread, hah

 

I've talked about this relationship a bit on here--my long distance one, 2+ years. I am posting here because I was on the other end of things--the dumper--and know first-hand what its like to get the crap annoyed out of you by a clingy (but well-meaning) ex.

 

I'm not sure if much of a backstory is required, so I'll just jump right in. We were VERY emotionally involved (as you have to be without that physical connection); so much so that it got to be too much. I broke up with him and he immediately started trying to convince me why I was wrong.

 

He was okay with it initially (about a week of normal conversation), then begging started. Well, it was more of him trying to guilt me into coming back. He did the exact same thing I desperately want to do (and I'm sure a lot of us dumpees want to do)--explain that he's changed, that he had a new perspective on things, that things would be so much better. He guilted me by sending me messages like "I gave you my all and look what you did" and "You're really gonna just leave me alone like this?" At one point he started offering to buy me gifts, and another he was talking about going to college up here so we could finally be together.

 

And it was torture. It was hard enough for me to break up with him, but now I was faced with having to read all these messages. I wouldn't even answer half of them and he'd still text. It got to the point where I dreaded getting a text because I was sure it was from him. This was still going on even after I had started dating someone else; I remember crying while at his house because of the guilt put onto me by my ex.

 

And then...my ex got a new girlfriend. He started becoming distant and one day, he told me there was a new girl in his life. I was shocked. How could someone who had been pining after me for so long (it was 6 months at this point) suddenly want someone else? And guess what happened after they officially started dating? Bingo, I wanted him back. Because suddenly, he wasn't there anymore.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that the "disappearing act" of NC does work. Looking back on it, if he would have went NC or LC from the beginning (or a few weeks in, whatever), I probably would have given him another chance. It was a good relationship, I just didn't like the post-breakup clinginess. Him not talking would have allowed me to remember the *good* times, instead of being reminded of the drama that I left by him continually contacting me.

 

So stay strong. Its kinda funny because I feel EXACTLY how he must have felt. I WANT to beg, to prove that I'll be different--but I know not talking is the best way. You want them to remember the good times, *which naturally happens*, not constantly be reminded of the reasons they left you. For any of you who haven't been on the other end of the begging, it really does suck. Try an remember that when you have the urge to "win them back"; I know I'm trying to C:

[missthedays]

I'm curious, what's the difference between if he did it early on or months down the road? If you two are still around each other, there is some element of a relationship there, romantic or not. My ex strung me along for four months after we broke up and had the nerve to call me clingy, even though she never pushed me away. When I discovered she was chatting up other guys, that's when I walked. Haven't heard from her in over a month, and it just tears me up inside. I'm managing, though.

[Mistykitty]

I'm confused as to what you're asking?

I'm saying, if he went NC at ALL then I would have considered another chance. I wasn't "stringing him along" or anything? He just did NOT leave me alone, ever, and that REALLY pushed me farther away from him.

[missthedays]

Sorry, I read your thread wrong. I thought you two went NC after he began seeing someone else. Thanks for posting though. You often don't get to hear the other side of NC.

[missthedays]

Are these thoughts still with you, and would you consider trying to work things out after some time apart?

[cornplaster]

Did you do anything to get your ex back when you realised he was with another girl? Did you really love him or just want what you can't have?

[Mistykitty]

I did really love him, yes. I ended up deciding to go steady with the new guy I was seeing, but it took a *lot* of thought.

This happened over a year or so ago, so thoughts of getting back together are gone. I honestly don't see us getting back together, but we are talking again. We actually had a heartfelt conversation the other night about "what could have been"

 

Mainly I just wanted to say how much begging sucks when you're on the other end of it. Realizing how I felt during that is really helping me keep from contacting my current ex.

[sharky988]

Thanks for this really helpful post!

 

It's hard to remember the mindset of being the dumper..... but when I look back, as the dumper, I too reconciled with my ex after many months of strict NC. I'm not sure it was BECAUSE of the NC, but I do know that you can't help but remember the good times and the things about the person you loved. And it probably helped A LOT that there were no new negative interractions between us to spoil my positive memories of him. Even dating other people, I still missed him and in comparison came to appreciate him more and more in time. The momentum of positive memories and good feelings just kept building until I had to break down and ask for another chance.

 

NC is just about the hardest thing to stick to -- but as a dumpee it works for me as a general rule because it helps restore my dignity and self-respect by keeping me from continuing on as an unwanted presence in the life of someone who's chosen to end our relationship -- either by trying to beg or convince them, or pretending to be just a platonic friend.

 

As a tool just to get someone back? I think obviously a dumper is more attracted to someone who has the confidence and maturity to move on with dignity and leave them alone -- than to someone who's clinging and hoping and plotting how to get back together, no matter how "casual" they pretend to be. Deep down, I think every dumper knows that someone with TRUE self-esteem would be long gone from their life as soon as they say they want the relationship to be over.

 

But for me, NC is too difficult just to be used just as a tool to get someone back. The reward is BIGGER than that, it's actual real life healing. It's facing reality and putting MYSELF back into my life as the number one priority, without this relationship.

 

If they come back to me on their own, so be it. If we're meant to be, it WILL be. If they really do love me, they WILL come back on their own.

 

But I really think the journey of the dumpee is to realize the dumper ISN'T going to stop your current pain, that's YOUR job. Out of the blue they gave you this box of heartache and scooted out the door and no matter how tempting it is to race after them and try to convince them to take it back, they're not going to. They're GONE. They might come back someday, but for now all they see of you is some pathetic person holding a box and crying like a baby about how much it hurts and begging you to take it back. Ewww.

 

What else can you do? Just keep looking straight ahead, stop looking backwards. Keep moving forward in your life, keep working to improve yourself.

 

This is my mantra anyway, this is what I keep telling myself. And because of the changes I'm making, my life is changing in amazing ways -- and I really do believe everything works out for the best and that there IS someone special who will appreciate this transformation at some point, either my ex or someone even better suited for me (hard as that is to imagine at the moment hahahahaaa!)

 

Anyhow, just my opinion. Thanks again for your thoughtful post! VERY helpful and thought-provoking. Sorry to ramble on.

[JohnGalt]

This thread is interesting MistyKitty. May I ask some follow up questions?

 

1) You said you were shocked because you couldn't believe that someone pining over you for so long suddenly wanted someone else. Then when they officially started dating, "bingo," you wanted him back. So was it the no contact that worked or was it the fact that he constantly tried to get back together with you and then went cold turkey to be with someone else? It seems to me that perhaps you were used to - - and secretly wanted the communication from your ex - - then when he stopped and got a new girlfriend, you wanted him back?

 

2) Wouldn't have no contact allowed you to move on quicker into new relationships and forget about him completely?

 

3) Did you ever give him hope when he reached out to you trying to get you back?

 

4) Was the lack of physical because of the distance or was it because of a lack of physical attraction?

 

5) Would no contact have worked for just your ex in the beginning or do you think no contact would work for all your exes if they wanted to reconcile?

 

Thanks,

 

~John~

[eastonweston]

3) Did you ever give him hope when he reached out to you trying to get you back?

 

This I'm interested in as well, because you're saying that after 6 months he was STILL pining hard after you? Was it because you were stringing him along? Was he still initiating most of the contact between you two at that point?

[Mistykitty]

1) You said you were shocked because you couldn't believe that someone pining over you for so long suddenly wanted someone else. Then when they officially started dating, "bingo," you wanted him back. So was it the no contact that worked or was it the fact that he constantly tried to get back together with you and then went cold turkey to be with someone else? It seems to me that perhaps you were used to - - and secretly wanted the communication from your ex - - then when he stopped and got a new girlfriend, you wanted him back?

 

Well I suppose it ~could~ have been because I didn't want someone else to have him, but the point I was trying to make is that once they stop chasing, you want them back. I imagine it would have had the same effect whether he was going after someone else or not.

 

2) Wouldn't have no contact allowed you to move on quicker into new relationships and forget about him completely?

 

After such a committed relationship, no. I realize its different for everyone, but it would have given me a LOT of time to reflect on how the relationship was

 

3) Did you ever give him hope when he reached out to you trying to get you back?

 

Nope. I'm not that cruel I frequently reminded him that my decision was permanent and, like I mentioned, half the time I didn't even reply. I felt TERRIBLE about it, yes, but I was also extremely tired of the begging and guilting. And I told him that, too

 

4) Was the lack of physical because of the distance or was it because of a lack of physical attraction?

 

The distance is what I meant

 

5) Would no contact have worked for just your ex in the beginning or do you think no contact would work for all your exes if they wanted to reconcile?

 

Welll I can't really answer that, because this is the only relationship where I was the dumper

I'm hoping it works with this current one, though

[missthedays]

It's hard to remember the mindset of being the dumper..... but when I look back, as the dumper, I too reconciled with my ex after many months of strict NC. I'm not sure it was BECAUSE of the NC, but I do know that you can't help but remember the good times and the things about the person you loved. And it probably helped A LOT that there were no new negative interractions between us to spoil my positive memories of him. Even dating other people, I still missed him and in comparison came to appreciate him more and more in time. The momentum of positive memories and good feelings just kept building until I had to break down and ask for another chance.

 

Do you mind if I ask about the nature of your relationship prior to and after the breakup? How quickly was NC initiated? Was it by you or your ex?

[ghost1ee]

I'm curious, what's the difference between if he did it early on or months down the road? If you two are still around each other, there is some element of a relationship there, romantic or not. My ex strung me along for four months after we broke up and had the nerve to call me clingy, even though she never pushed me away. When I discovered she was chatting up other guys, that's when I walked. Haven't heard from her in over a month, and it just tears me up inside. I'm managing, though.

 

Similar from my case. After we broke up, we still talked after. I kind of went on and off catching up on her, but then she started having feelings for this other guy. That's when I got mad at her and that's when she really kicked me out for good. NC Day 4.

[JohnGalt]

I am wondering how these feelings change. One minute it is permanent and the next minute you want the person back. I just don't get how people's feelings change.

[cwsreddy]

you. are. awesome.

[klin]

Thank you, Sharky. I've been feeling this way too.

[beatlesfan123]

I am wondering how these feelings change. One minute it is permanent and the next minute you want the person back. I just don't get how people's feelings change.

 

People's feelings change all the time. I think if a person can fall out of love with you they can fall back in, but only if they allow themselves to. You can't force someone to revisit old feelings if they don't want to. That's the hardest part of breaking up - knowing that if the circumstances were right your dumper could want you and be in love with you again. If you disrespect someone else's feelings by showing yours are more important than theirs it could leave lasting damage. You can't really go wrong with moving on... You either get them back or you stop caring and find something better with someone who appreciates you more.

[resilient7]

Beatlesfan-"it can leave lasting damage" please don't say that,that much huh.

[sharky988]

Do you mind if I ask about the nature of your relationship prior to and after the breakup? How quickly was NC initiated? Was it by you or your ex?

 

We had a very tumultuous and immature on-and-off relationship for about 1-1/2 years. Lots of stupid fighting, cheating, you name it. We split up during an argument and I immediately (days later) moved 3,000 miles away (back home after college). I guess it was a mutual NC, we never discussed it, we just both did it. Finally after several months of being single and dating other people, I called and said I missed him and wanted to get back together. I moved back to LA and we were married soon after and stayed married 18 years.

[sharky988]

you. are. awesome.

 

Awww -- thank you!

[ick]

Brilliant! Preach it sister. Any person looking for answers on getting back w your ex should read this over and over until u really believe it. You will then be able to make true progress.

 

Once your relationship ends it is the greatest opportunity to improve yourself in every way. Once u do that and progress into that person w true growth u will be a better person who will attract someone better than your ex or in rare case your ex. Don't cling to hope. Don't be afraid. Let go and learn your lessons. You will be 1000 times better for it.

[missthedays]

Finally after several months of being single and dating other people, I called and said I missed him and wanted to get back together. I moved back to LA and we were married soon after and stayed married 18 years.

 

Gee whiz, you should have added that part before!! Within that time of NC, did you ever say to yourself, "this is officially over?" Or did you ever reach that point where you felt you "moved on?"

[sharky988]

Gee whiz, you should have added that part before!! Within that time of NC, did you ever say to yourself, "this is officially over?" Or did you ever reach that point where you felt you "moved on?"

 

Well, I made it "officially over" when I broke up with him. There was no attempt at friendship and this was before the days of texting and Facebook, so there was absolutely no contact between us other than having mutual friends. We had lots of issues. I didn't want to live on the west coast if he wasn't going to commit to getting married, which he wasn't ready for. I think deep down I was only pushing for it because I knew he wouldn't agree, because I wasn't ready either and really just wanted to be single too and experience life more as a single person. It was complicated! Mostly due to our being so young.

 

As far as I was concerned, it was truly over once I moved. I think I outwardly appeared to be moving on. Moved cross country, new life, new apartment, dating other people. If things had really worked out with someone else, I don't know that I would've gotten back together with him. But it was probably also harder for other guys to compete with a memory of someone that I'm sure I idealized a bit. After many months -- I think it was almost a year -- I decided to give in on the marriage thing and see if we could just get back together because I missed him and realized the grass wasn't greener without him. As it turned out he compromised too and proposed a few months after I moved back.

[missthedays]

But it was probably also harder for other guys to compete with a memory of someone that I'm sure I idealized a bit.

 

That's another thing that me and I'm sure many others wonder about our exes. Even after it's over and they want something fresh, there still has to be a part of them that thinks "this new person just doesn't have quality X that I loved in him/her." Over time I guess that passes.

[sharky988]

Well, for the dumpee it's probably more immediate -- you go on dates or check out new girls and you're just constantly comparing them to the ex and the new ones don't measure up because you're still idealizing your ex so much and wanting them back.

 

For the dumper, she's probably really wanting to like the new guys and giving them a real shot. You DON'T consciously want your ex back. You WANT this new guy to be a better choice. It's only in time that the new guys' flaws start to show, and the ex starts to seem better in comparison.

 

That's how it was for me, anyway.