Breadcrumbs, or Opportunity?

[eastonweston]

Hi all,

 

I'd like to get some thoughts on a random email that my ex sent to me last night at 7:30PM.

 

BACKGROUND

• Ages: 28 & 29
  
• Relationship: 5 years | inseparable | engagement discussions
  
• Breakup Date: today is day 120
  
• Another Man?: no other man involved
  
• Reason for Breakup: partly her drifting in a new direction, partly me being jealous, mean, and taking her for granted
  

 

LAST CONTACT BEFORE THE EMAIL

 

On Thursday (3 days ago) we were hanging out together late at night after a Thanksgiving event we both attended. She admitted to me that she's just now beginning to process the breakup, that she stayed so extremely busy for the first four months post BU in order to not have to think about it. She says now things have died down, she's journaling and reflecting, and she's starting to feel sad. She says this transition is hard, especially now that the Christmas season is here.

 

THE EMAIL

This is the email I received last night...

 

begin

 

Hi,

 

So i was finally journaling. I have only 4 pages left of my journal, which I intend to finish tomorrow- so that's exciting, finishing a journal...

 

Anyway, I went back and looked at the first page of this journal to see how long I'd been writing in it. This is what I found, and it made me cry. And I just wanted to share...

 

12/8/09

 

[REDACTED]

........

 

(this is me typing to you now.) So i guess it made me cry because - I did get to see you change- it definitely didn't happen in the way I was hoping for at the time. So that hurts, but it's also a good hurt. And also to be ending the journal now- kind of follows the "finishing the book" symbolism we talked about a few weeks ago*. From 12/09 to 12/12 a lot happened- life is definitely bittersweet.

 

Thanks for being there for me the other night- no matter what you say, I'll still feel guilty relying too much on you because you don't deserve for me to do that to you now. Because I do care about you and love you, and I know it's not right for me to do that to you. But obviously, I'm in a rough place and still need help...

 

anyway... hope you're having a good day.

 

love

[name]

 

end

 

* about a month ago, we had a walk and discussed that if we were to EVER get back together, we needed to close the book on our relationship. We said that maybe in the new book of our lives, we'll both be written into the same story, but we can only wait and see. We described a visual metaphor for closing the book, tying it with yarn, and placing it up in an attic.

 

MY RESPONSE

 

At 4:38AM this morning, I responded (I was out late with my buddies).

 

begin

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for sharing this with me; thank you for taking time to write this email; and thank you for your prayers. We've been through a tremendous amount together over almost five years. I'm sorry my changes didn't happen at the optimal time. But, they happened. And I will always, always help you when you need it - and you know that at your core**. My love for you is 100% unconditional.

 

I love you,

 

Easton

 

end

 

** I know that many of you may want to skewer me for saying that "I will always be here for you" etc., but I'm rolling on my own on this one. She has major insecurities and huge self-esteem issues, and while I know that she *should* find someone else to rely on for emotional support, I know her so deeply that I want to make sure she's getting the right help on some issues, and I trust myself to know what's the right help for her.

 

THE QUESTION

 

Is this just a typical breadcrumb now that the Holidays are quickly approaching, it's freezing outside, she's staying indoors, her busy life has died down, etc. Or is this the beginning of her starting to miss me and realize that maybe she doesn't want to be apart? How should I react from here?

 

Thanks,

 

Easton

[InkedDragon]

Let her lead and don't push. Just because she may miss you doesn't mean she wants to get back together. I would be cautious on being used as an emotional crutch especially during the holiday season.

[DN]

It could be a overture or it could be tying up loose ends. I suspect the latter but in any event you should not assume she wants to get back together. Your response left the door open for her, see if she will come through it. But don't live your life hoping she will. Continue to move on, date other people and deal with what happens if and when it happens, not before.

[junebug123]

Bread crumbs, and i think your response would have turned her off if anything. You are reading too much into this and seem desperate. No where in that letter did it say, i want you and i want to make it work between us, i will do anything it takes to get you back into my life. It seems like she is just lonely and leaning on you for emotional support, don't become a shoulder.

[eastonweston]

Thank you for the feedback, all.

 

Did my response really sound desperate?

[InkedDragon]

If I receievd that message; I would know that I still have you. Whenever, wherever I want...

[sharky988]

This has been your mistake all along, imo -- you've been there for her, on her terms, when she's already told you from the start she had lost attraction for you!

 

Confidence, independence, mystery, moving on -- these are how you re-ignite sparks.

 

If you go NC -- ever! -- you might have a shot at making her feel a sense of loss and MISSING YOU and experiencing what it is to not have you in her life. As it is, my friend, she knows she's got you there 100%, 24 hours a day, anytime she wants you..... to listen to her "journaling" and hold her hand through the holidays and be her best girlfriend.... not attractive.

[junebug123]

 

My love for you is 100% unconditional.

 

I love you,

 

Easton

 

IT was okay until you added these two lines. Her i love you was more of like i love you as a person and i miss you as a friend, where your i love you was more as i am in love with you and i will always love you no matter what because my love is unconditional. In the future it is good to hold some cards and not play your entire hand out because that gives her the power to decide.

 

Maybe that is too critical and she did say that she loves you but i am pretty sure that how she would interrupt it, females can be very naive.

[eastonweston]

Excellent advice, all. Really solid.

 

Sharky knows my situation probably the best, and she's right (and it served as a reminder to myself): my ex stated to my face that she is no longer attracted to me, the spark is gone. My goal is to reignite that spark. I completely understand that my email response probably built a further platonic feeling in her heart for me. Grr. I use to be so good at picking up women in college When did I become so weak as a man?!

 

Delacrank: yeah, you're right. And I think deep in my heart I knew it was probably not a great idea to insert those last two lines -- I suppose that's why I defended myself in my OP.

 

So where's the line between being a challenge/not her emotional tampon/mysterious, and being a caring person/genuinely wanting to help/loving someone unconditionally?

 

What I mean: I love this woman, deeply (as we all love our exes). And she's such a sweet, reserved girl. So when she writes me something, telling me that she "still needs help...", what do I do? It breaks my heart, I don't like hearing that from her. I'm a businessman and a problem-solver. It feels wrong to ignore her.

 

So what's the justification for not showing deep unconditional caring love for a person? Is it simply about pushing those desires to the side and making sure to focus only on acting on known psychological tactics for sparking a fire for someone? (i.e. mystery, aloofness, "pull", cocky&funny, etc.).

[InkedDragon]

Bro, you need to worry about yourself first and foremost. She broke up with you. Let her deal with her emotions because she is not helping you with yours. Let her realize the void of you not being there and showng her love. At the rate you're going, she's going to be completely healed and over you and will start dating other guys because YOU provided the safety net for her.

[eastonweston]

InkedDragon: so was I suppose to ignore her email?

[InkedDragon]

You don't have to ignore her email but you don't have to let her know you'll always be there for her. Put it this way, how would you respond to that email if you knew she was seeing someone else?

[eastonweston]

If she was seeing someone else, I wouldn't have responded at all. That I am sure of.

[InkedDragon]

Bingo. That's how you have to look at the situation right now. She is free to see whomever she wants and I'm sure you wouldn't know about it. So act the part that she is seeing someone even if she's not. She cannot value what you have to offer if you keep serving it on a platter everytime she reaches out.

[Shane Falco]

Bingo. That's how you have to look at the situation right now. She is free to see whomever she wants and I'm sure you wouldn't know about it. So act the part that she is seeing someone even if she's not. She cannot value what you have to offer if you keep serving it on a platter everytime she reaches out.

 

Exactly. I assume my ex is hooking up with whoever whenever (though I have no knowledge of such things happening). Makes it easier not to cave.

[InkedDragon]

Yup. Assume the worst possible scenario. It will help you move on and benefit your healing because you never know IF or WHEN it will happen, but at least you have a headstart on the healing. Protect yourself at all costs until they show you they want to be with YOU! If not, you are on the healing path. Good luck my brothers!

[JohnGalt]

I read your ex's email and it seems like she wants help with something and feels bad about reaching out to you for help given the fact that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Did I read that wrong? And your response was "I'll always be there for you." I don't get it. A man being there for a woman is a perk of the relationship. If you'll be there no matter what, what incentive does she have to commit to you?

 

Now there's some redacted material and that could change the interpretation. Maybe she's desperate to close the book on your relationship so you and her can move on in a new book together. I don't know. But those cryptic messages that she's sending are silly.

 

But you know the way I read it seems like she's letting you go. . .Hope that's not accurate and I hope you two end up back together if that's what you want.

[eastonweston]

JohnGalt -- that's a fair assessment. Yep, she's going through some things in her life that she's struggling with right now, from personal self-esteem issues to work issues to family issues.

 

Yes, she's on several occasions reached out to me when she needs help; from advice, to a place to crash during the hurricane. To her part, she told me the other day that she knows it's wrong for her to reach out to me only when she's needing something; she said she realizes she's doing that and it's not fair to me. And then she sends this email, and I respond the way I did.

 

The redacted material is her journal entry about me from 2009. It's basically saying that she's praying for me to change some dark things about my personality that was hurting our relationship back then. So now those issues are fixed, and she knows it, by her own admission in her email. But apparently the change isn't a big enough reason for her to return to me. The biggest problem is that my issues over the years caused her to lose attraction for me; the spark needs to be reignited, and the bad memories need to wash away.

 

I know that I shouldn't allow her to have her cake and eat it too. I know that. And yes, the perk of having a significant other is being able to turn to them for help. I am giving her that while she rejects a relationship with me. It's just so difficult for me to say to her: "I'm sorry, I can't help you. You threw that away when you broke us up." It's so tough to be that blunt to her, even though, yes, she's hurting me as well.

 

I've turned into a pansy with this girl. She melts my heart and to ignore her is so difficult for me; and it's not because I just want to talk to her to talk to her. I never initiate contact. It's because I still want to help her, because I love her.

 

Sigh. I know, I know.

[eastonweston]

Maybe she's desperate to close the book on your relationship so you and her can move on in a new book together. I don't know. But those cryptic messages that she's sending are silly.

 

Agreed on both accounts. When we discussed last month the need for us to completely close the book on our relationship and see what happens in the next book, she cried and seemed relieved. But I can't tell if that's because she got closure during that talk, or because she's glad that there's an opportunity to start fresh in the future. I don't know.

 

Yes, her cryptic messages are very silly. She does it quite a bit, actually. You'd think this girl was a baker with all of the bread crumbs she produces.

[InkedDragon]

Do you deserve bread crumbs?

[eastonweston]

Here's what I deserve: to push through with a little pain if she needs to work through some things and build herself back up. Listen, she left me because she was forced; I was a grade-A ****. I took her for granted. I never listened to her. I never helped her. I was mean, argumentative, and had anger issues.

 

I truly, truly love her, and if I can help her even if it hurts me, I do think I deserve that, because I treated her not the greatest for a couple of years. She needs to sort things out. I can wait.

[eastonweston]

I don't regret sending my response. However, I maybe wish I didn't lay on the "unconditional love" line so strong at the end. That's my only regret, possibly.

[junebug123]

So where's the line between being a challenge/not her emotional tampon/mysterious, and being a caring person/genuinely wanting to help/loving someone unconditionally?

 

You draw the line depending on your status in the relationship. If you see she is all gooey over you and in love, than you are free to express yourself without any repercussions, however if she is pulling away from you in the relationship than maybe you need to start drawing your line further back, showing you are interested and willing to make things work as long as she does her part. I have found that women are like children in many respects, imagine your love is a toy like a ball or something, once the women sees it she is attracted to it and will want to play with it. Imagine she has that same toy/love all day long, she would lose interest, anyone would eventually given the options for other toys but remember the fun that one toy brought them. Now, imagine you take the toy/love away from her, you take it off the shelf completely! The child/women is going to wonder, what the hell is going on and where the hell is her toy/love! She will miss that toy and do anything to get it back because now all her other toys are available except for the one removed. Using this metaphor you can see how non mysterious this push and pull factor is. I know what you are going through, because i once had an ex who i was very much in love with at one point and i tried everything in my power to get her back except for one thing. That thing was doing nothing at all, so i failed miserably because it never occurred to me to simply sit on my hands and wait for the girl to come to me. And if she never comes around, well then she is gone anyways and you just leave fate to decide what your future will hold, because you have done everything in your power to get her including showing restraint and nothing worked

[einsteins_girl]

I have found that women are like children in many respects, imagine your love is a toy like a ball or something, once the women sees it she is attracted to it and will want to play with it. Imagine she has that same toy/love all day long, she would lose interest, anyone would eventually given the options for other toys but remember the fun that one toy brought them. Now, imagine you take the toy/love away from her, you take it off the shelf completely! The child/women is going to wonder, what the hell is going on and where the hell is her toy/love! She will miss that toy and do anything to get it back because now all her other toys are available except for the one removed.

 

Wow! This whole line of thinking has left me speechless!

[InkedDragon]

No matter what you do or say, the decision is on her to get back together. If you truly love her, let her go and deal with her own emotions. You do not deserve to be hurt while she gets emotional support from you. What your mind is rationalizing is if you showed her how supportive you're being eventhough it hurts you, she will see through it and wants to get back with you. But in reality you are actually helping her ease through her pain of the decision of breaking up with you. Which makes it easier for her to transition to a new relationship. If that happens, what are you going to do about it? There will be a lot of resentment and anger.

 

It's great that you can see your faults in the relationship but it takes two to make it work. Where is your limit on how much pain you can take? Is she helping you cope with the hurt and pain that you've been going through? Think about it man. She broke it off. She has the control if you continue to let her. When she feels she's over you and starts dating, the pain is going to hit you even harder becauase all this time you're helping her emotionally, you have not healed. I do not wish for that happen to you.