Money problems with boyfriend

[klvd]

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 22 we have been together since I was 18. I go to school and work part time making minimum wage. I'm fortunate enough to have my parents assist me with a small $200 allowance once a month, enough to help me pay rent but otherwise im pretty broke after my other daily expenses. My boyfriend does not go to school and works five days a week, usually twelve hours a day making 12.50 an hour. SOMEHOW he has managed to land himself in debt and about 2 or 3 weeks ago he had nothing in his account and was going to be overdrawn because his truck payments were due. I loaned him enough money to pay off his payments and he did pay me back with his next paycheck. this week he was in worse condition. no money and his account in danger of being over drawn, he also couldnt pay his cell phone and had it shut off, he was also buying .50 cent cans of ravioli because he couldnt afford anything else. I suggested that it was time he go ask his mother to help him pay off a bill or 2, I said its not fair that I, someone who only works 4 days a week making 7.50 an hour and who drives her old car with almost 300,000 miles back and forth 3 times a week to see you to feel obligated to loan you money again when your mother owes it to you anyways ( I say his mother owes it to him because a year and half ago when he lived at home he decided to pay her a monthly rent to live there and gave her some cash when he moved out -which she used to buy a new vehicle- )

 

We are not married and i feel i should leave him to his own money problems but i love and care about him and do not want to see his account be overdrawn or see hi eating ravioli all week so of course i offer to lend him money especially because i know he will pay me back but i feel like it is not right of him to accept it when he knows how much less i make. i made him promise me to ask his mom for help and he has refused

 

I feel very disrespected and sort of used that he would take money from me but not ask his mom the next time around when i've pleaded with him to do so. We are in a huge fight and i have told him i want nothing to do with him until he speaks with his mother. am i wrong ? idk what to do.

[camus154]

You're right in feeling like it's not your place to lend him money. You shouldn't--this isn't truly helping him, but enabling his own situation which he built for himself.

 

But you chose to lend him money, and now want to hold that over his head. That's on you. It's not fair to do something for someone and then be angry that they accept your help. Stop lending him money and stop stipulating who he needs to ask for help. That's not your concern.

[leftme]

You don't mention where the money is going...

 

The first thing he needs to do is look at himself and where is his money going? I guess he has a home and a car. So where's the rest going...?

 

Before he asks anyone for money it should be because there is no fault of his own for his situation.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think in your current financial situation you should be lending him money, either. He should go to his mother. If he has that much trouble with money, maybe he shouldn't have moved out of his mother's place to begin with.

[mhowe]

Well, first off ---STOP GIVING HIM MONEY.

 

If he knows you won't then he will have to find a way. Where is his money going? Drugs? Drinking? Gambling?

 

And stop telling him what to do. He is a man, not a child. He may be acting like a child, but he needs to take care of himself.

 

I would take a big step back and see what he does or doesn't do.

[Natasha24]

He makes about the same in ONE week as I make in TWO weeks. I manage to get by, so should he. There's no reason that $750 per week isn't enough. You're right, it's not your place to fix his financial problems. Stop lending him money, and I guarantee he will figure out what expenses to cut (beer, going out/entertainment, etc)

 

Next time he asks for money, tell him you can't afford it (because honestly, it sounds like you can't). If he gets upset with you, then it's obvious that he is using you.

[klvd]

most of the money goes towards his expenses and gas. he usually bought $10 lunches a day and kind of spends frivilously over the weekend and i think he just had one lousy paycheck and didnt watch his account closely and now hes in a small hole which he can easily get out of if he has his mom pay off a bill or two. he isnt a drinker or gambler.

 

I know i shouldnt get mad at him for accepting the help i offerd but i thought he would be mature enough to say "Hey my broke gf is giving me money, maybe i should seek help from someone more suitable so she doesnt put herself in this position"

[blueidealist24]

most of the money goes towards his expenses and gas. he usually bought $10 lunches a day and kind of spends frivilously over the weekend and i think he just had one lousy paycheck and didnt watch his account closely and now hes in a small hole which he can easily get out of if he has his mom pay off a bill or two. he isnt a drinker or gambler.

 

I know i shouldnt get mad at him for accepting the help i offerd but i thought he would be mature enough to say "Hey my broke gf is giving me money, maybe i should seek help from someone more suitable so she doesnt put herself in this position"

 

The $10 lunches can sink you - I wasted a ton of money one year on lunches when I was in school, and I regretted it when I saw the student loan to pay back since I knew I could have avoided some of that debt if I had just ate at home.

[klvd]

I want to point out that he didnt straight up ask me for money but he did complain daily and take me with him to buy his .50 lunches. so ofcourse i helped out. i know he would have done the same but seriously, one time is enough after that i felt like he should have swallowed his pride and faced his debt.

[mhowe]

Then you are niave. If you offer someone money, they will take it.

 

IF your bf had any pride, he wouldn't even ask. So expecting him NOT to take what you offer is kinda like offering a kid candy and thinking he'll say no.

 

If he is living "paycheck" to paycheck -- -$10 for lunch is stupid. Make a sandwich.

 

And maybe he should not ask ANYONE for help. Maybe he should live w/in his means.

[camus154]

I know i shouldnt get mad at him for accepting the help i offerd but i thought he would be mature enough to say "Hey my broke gf is giving me money, maybe i should seek help from someone more suitable so she doesnt put herself in this position"

 

This has nothing to do with maturity, but rather rational expectations. If he borrowed money from you before, why on earth would you assume he'd turn down the offer a second time? You turned your offer into a test, more or less, and now you're trying to punish him for failing it.

 

Again, stop lending him money and stop worrying about how or from whom he'll get it.

[annie24]

I think you're right- it's not your place to loan him money. He should start watching his money more carefully and find a better paying job. $24,000 a year isn't really fabulous.

[klvd]

Then you are niave. If you offer someone money, they will take it.

 

IF your bf had any pride, he wouldn't even ask. So expecting him NOT to take what you offer is kinda like offering a kid candy and thinking he'll say no.

 

If he is living "paycheck" to paycheck -- -$10 for lunch is stupid. Make a sandwich.

 

And maybe he should not ask ANYONE for help. Maybe he should live w/in his means.

 

my boyfriend is a good man, freshly on his own. he got a bad pay check and didnt realize he needed to watch his money closer at the time. yes $10 lunches need to be a thing of the past but like i said I dont want to see him suffer.

[agent1607307371]

( I say his mother owes it to him because a year and half ago when he lived at home he decided to pay her a monthly rent to live there and gave her some cash when he moved out -which she used to buy a new vehicle- )

 

Ok, I thought he might have been asked to loan her something, but if you are an adult and live in a parents house, they don't owe you your keep back.

 

Stop lending him money. All he's learning is that he can blow nearly $100 a week on lunch and you will pick the tab up for it. He's an adult, he needs to learn to budget and live according to his means.

 

How did he get into debt in the first place? The fact that he took money from you and was in trouble again immediately afterwards is concerning.

[annie24]

You can sit down with him and help him come up with a budget.

[mhowe]

He doesn't watch his money at all -- never mind closely.

 

You are not his mommy. Let him fend for himself. And bringing you w/ him to buy the 50cent raviolis was an act that certainly worked.

[klvd]

Ok, I thought he might have been asked to loan her something, but if you are an adult and live in a parents house, they don't owe you your keep back.

 

he was only twenty when he started paying rent. still a reasonable age to live at home. I respect that he did that but i think the money he gave her when he moved out was unnecessary. and the fact that she used it to buy a truck even more ridiculous. your job as a parent is to raise and support your kid, you dont take your 20 year old sons hard earned money and buy a car you dont need. but she did and i dont necessarily mean she owes him but i think she should be more than willing to help him in this tight spot. and that he shouldnt feel bad for asking.

[mhowe]

I think that when you move out -- you move out. You don't get to say "this is harder than I thought...give me money"

[klvd]

I think that when you move out -- you move out. You don't get to say "this is harder than I thought...give me money"

 

certainly but i dont think children should give their parents a lot of money just before they head out on their own either.

[agent1607307371]

klvd - I got my first job at 17 and started paying keep then. It's part of learning to be a responsible adult. If you're working, money in the pot is a responsibility.

 

As for the money he gave her, that's on him. She didn't make him do anything.

[camus154]

he was only twenty when he started paying rent. still a reasonable age to live at home. I respect that he did that but i think the money he gave her when he moved out was unnecessary. and the fact that she used it to buy a truck even more ridiculous. your job as a parent is to raise and support your kid, you dont take your 20 year old sons hard earned money and buy a car you dont need. but she did and i dont necessarily mean she owes him but i think she should be more than willing to help him in this tight spot. and that he shouldnt feel bad for asking.

 

Well, you can keep focusing on what you think he should be doing with his mom, or you can instead focus on what you can control--you.

 

You're all over the place here. Now you're defending your boyfriend's financial situation and you keep saying "of course I helped him out".....ok, so what's the problem? Why are you fighting with him now because he took you up on your offer? Again, you're trying to dictate what you think he should be doing rather than taking control of what YOU can do instead. Stop fussing over his mom and his money situation and let him be a big boy and figure it out on his own.

[mhowe]

If you put his clothes out for him every day, he will not learn to dress himself.

[klvd]

I see now that i am trying to dictate how he handles this situation and i suppose i should let him handle it on his own but it is frightening to think of when we are married, if he cant handle situations like this which is why i have involved myself so and it does hurt me that he would take money from be but gets angry at the thought of having to accept help from his mother.

[blueidealist24]

he was only twenty when he started paying rent. still a reasonable age to live at home. I respect that he did that but i think the money he gave her when he moved out was unnecessary. and the fact that she used it to buy a truck even more ridiculous. your job as a parent is to raise and support your kid, you dont take your 20 year old sons hard earned money and buy a car you dont need. but she did and i dont necessarily mean she owes him but i think she should be more than willing to help him in this tight spot. and that he shouldnt feel bad for asking.

 

I agree that it was bad of his Mom to take his money and buy a truck - why did he give her all that money to begin with? Both of them should have known that if he was moving out on his own, he was probably going to need that money. If she guilted him into it, that's bad.

[mhowe]

You don't see how you are trying to dicatate -- you say it in one breath -- and follow up w/ saying how angry his behavior makes you. You seem to think it is okay for him to take from his mother, but not from you.

 

It isn't right for him to live beyond his means.

 

You are involving yourself in his situations because you want him to be someone he is not -- a responsible adult. I think the marriage thought should be a long way off.