Feel like I'm hindering my growth and "recovery"

[maggieMAE]

I feel like I'm not letting myself heal. Maybe it's natural, but I keep hoping she has a change of heart and comes around. Every call, every text, every ring of the doorbell, I get a little butterfly in my gut and hope it's her. Is it normal? How can I stop this? I've even prayed and meditated on accepting the truth and letting go. All of her junk is in the garbage. I've hidden every gift or reminder. I even rearranged my place in hopes of creating new memories here.

 

And yes, I'm keeping myself busy. I'm all about school/work, working out, friends, and just trying to be happy in general. But nothing keeps my mind from wandering back to her. It's been about a month and a half. Am I at the usual point of recovery after a 3 year relationship that ended badly? Do I need to slap myself every time I think of her? I dunno, at least I can still have a good time and smile, right?

 

And yes, I'm following very strict NC. I've had a few urges to reach out, but then I realized it's a lost cause.

 

I'll have a really good day, with short little 10 minute sad moments in my head here and there throughout where I'll wonder why I'm not good enough.

I just feel like crap about myself. This whole situation really ruined my self-image.

[Mistykitty]

I'd say its pretty normal

I'm only at the three-week mark myself, but those hopes are still going strong...if not getting stronger.

[maggieMAE]

It's hard. Keep your head up. Hopefully at some point we have a moment of clarity and those hopes fall away.

 

I just really wish she'd realize how good of a gf I was and reach out. But then again I also hope the new girl doesn't hurt her, and vice versa. I wish her nothing but happiness, as crappy as it is to think it's without me. =/ I dunno. So many conflicted feelings, and I'd hate to ignore them.

[maggieMAE]

(I'm not sure if double-posting is allowed here, so do let me know if not)

 

I'm about to lose my mind. =/ I miss my best friend. She isn't that person anymore. I'm sure if she even did change her mind, I wouldn't recognize her. But I wish she'd miss us.

 

I feel like I've come so far, only to be backpedaling into my emotions. I keep imagining her with her new gf, in the home I decorated, using the things I bought or made with care and love. I was processing this breakup just fine until I found out for certain that there was a new person in her life. I only found out from a very good friend who felt I should know. He didn't realize how much it would destroy me, but perhaps he wanted to make sure I wouldn't go back if she were to come around again. (Since she was quite emotionally abusive, and at times it turned physical).

 

I'm just a mess. My anxiety is horrible. I have horrible, sickening butterflies in my stomach every few minutes and then she pops in my head. I walk around this city a little paranoid that I'll bump into her, or them, since it's such a small city. It's only been a week (or maybe 2? I can't remember anymore) since I found out about her new relationship, so I guess it's normal.

 

Someone help?