Shane505 Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 I need some advice. I just went through a traumatic BU with my ex of 1.5 years. My previous ex before that from 10 yrs ago has been emotionally supportive through the whole thing. I just realized that my first ex truly loves me and has never stopped loving me even though I broke her heart 10 yrs ago. She will do anything for me. She tells me intimate secrets about her self that her husband doesn't even know. If I need advice I can always turn to her. She even used her political clout at her work to get me a job when I was unemployed. I just realized she loves me unconditionally and always will for the rest of her life. I want to tell her how I really feel about her and that I love her as a person and always will. I'm planning to move out of state in the next 3 months. I want to tell her before I move because I don't know if I will move back and see her again. Is this a good move? Is it fair to her husband? They have a rocky relationship right now. I don't want her to get her emotions crossed then divorce her husband because I confess my love for her. But I really want to get it off my chest. Link to comment
markie6 Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 not a good move...at all . Meddling and definitely unfair to her husband, so what if they have a rocky relationship... you really want to have on your conscience...you helped sink them ? For what ? To get it off your chest ? Seems extremely selfish imo.... if they implode... then you can tell her... if Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 ^^^^I agree. Perhaps her marriage is rocky because her husband realizes that her heart is not in the relationship it is elsewhere. What good would come of telling her you love her...would you steal her away and become her partner for life? What if she suddenly became single...is your love strong enough to want to be with her for life....or because she has always been there for you, you are flattered that she still cares so it is giving you warm, fuzzy feelings. There are lots of people who are in love with the notion that the other person loves them, but not really with the person who loves them. Lots of people marry someone because they want to BE loved and cherished even though they don't feel the same way for the other person. So it is quite possible the love you feel is the love of gratitude and the warm fuzzy feeling of being loved after you went through a difficult break up. If she was single I would say go for it and see how things work out...but she is not single..she already has a partner and it is not fair on the husband for you to make any declarations. Link to comment
Moneypenny Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Yikes!! Don't do it Shane. It'd be really unfair on her, and her husband...and if their marriage is going through a rocky phase, it would be irresponsible of you to go dropping a bomb shell like that. I've read about your BU. Don't go doing what someone did to you. Link to comment
Minx2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 WORST move ever. Why? 1. You are in an emotional state over the break up of a recent ex. The " love " that you feel for your older ex could be brought upon by overwhelming emotions of loneliness and sadness. This is not fair to her or her husband. 2. She's married. 3. You're being selfish. Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 Thank you Markie6 and Crazyaboutdogs for the input. I needed that outside perspective. I feel kind of bad she is having an emotional affair with me but it's hard because I work directly for her. She is my direct supervisor lol. I get special privileges at work because of her and other co-workers see it and are jealous. Only her closest co-workers know about our history. Otherwise she wouldn't be my supervisor if management knew. She always brings up our relationship from 10 yrs ago as an inside joke and teases me that it failed because of me. She even said if her husband found out about me and told her to cut all ties with me, she would divorce him because she won't stop being my friend. She said out of all her exes I'm the one that got away. Maybe you're right Crazyaboutdogs. Maybe it's just that warm fuzzy feeling of gratitude and flattery and it's not real love. Honestly I'm not romantically in love with her. But more of a companionship type of love. Like best friends in a marriage. I think that type of love has more longevity than romantic love. Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 Yikes!! Don't do it Shane. It'd be really unfair on her, and her husband...and if their marriage is going through a rocky phase, it would be irresponsible of you to go dropping a bomb shell like that. I've read about your BU. Don't go doing what someone did to you. Is my BU the same circumstance? Okay it is but different details. The only difference is this ex has morals. She won't even go anywhere private with me because we have history and she knows she won't be able to control herself. She won't put herself in that situation. I really really respect her for that. Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 Oh boy I was planning to take her to the park for lunch and spill my heart out to her. Thank you everyone for talking some sense to me! It is my emotional saddness and loneliness that makes me want to do this and I didn't even realize it. So selfish of me. Now I have to make up a white lie on what I wanted to tell her. I told her I have something to tell her and now she won't let it go. Link to comment
Moneypenny Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Is my BU the same circumstance? Okay it is but different details. The only difference is this ex has morals. She won't even go anywhere private with me because we have history and she knows she won't be able to control herself. She won't put herself in that situation. I really really respect her for that. Yes, the same thing, just different details You know that she knows that she won't be able to control herself. Yet you were going to take her to the park for lunch. She's not going to let go because I suspect she knows something's up. You've set the ball rolling on this already Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 Moenypenny I know I set the ball rolling and I realized after seeing the comments it was a mistake. This all happened today. I was running on emotion. We were talking about past exes in our lives in her office during work. Then she said the reason she doesn't have any animosity towards me and still cares for me unlike all her other exes is because all her other exes cheated and treated her like dirt and the only thing I did to hurt her was I never gave her a chance and broke it off too soon and she got choked up and almost cried but she fought it. I felt really bad and wanted to reassure her that I love her. But I don't even know if it's love or my emotional state of loneliness. Luckily someone knocked on the door and walked in so I couldn't confess my "love" to her. I texted her that there was a lot I wanted to say but it wasn't the appropriate setting and maybe one day I'll get to tell her. This is the reason why there are so much problems in marriages. You have these emotional affairs with exes that you never really stop loving. Relationships are tough. Link to comment
Moneypenny Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 You have these emotional affairs with exes that you never really stop loving. This is true. You must be emotionally all over the place at the moment and a conversation like that would tug at most peoples heart strings if they're in a vulnerable frame of mind; which I think you both are - she, because her marriage is a bit iffy; and you, because of a recent split - and because there may be residual emotions from years back. I would be very very careful that you don't allow your emotions to get the better of you. Well done for dodging it today. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Keep dodging this, say nothing, get your out of state move done and start pulling away from this. It's already enough of a problem. You getting special treatment at work, hiding this from other management because it wouldn't be allowed. She's having an emotional affair with you and that's helping to destroy her marriage. Her morals are not as solid as you believe or none of this would be happening at all. She just hasn't crossed the line of having sex with you *yet*. Link to comment
luminousone Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Back off from her emotionally because she is married. Keep all conversation about work only. Let's say her marriage broke up and you got back together. Perhaps she would start to confide in another ex about your relationship. She and you have gone beyond acceptable boundaries for a married person. Any conversations you have from this day forward should be ones that coworkers and her spouse could hear and be okay with. Find your emotional crutch elsewhere. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Some things in life are better left unsaid. This is one of them. No good will come from it. Link to comment
drmcsugar Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Put yourself in your husband's position. Would you like it if her ex confessed his love to your wife, given that your marriage now was already rocky? Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 Glad you came to your senses. That would have been a d*ck move. You shouldn't try to capitalize on vulnerabilities like that. At best I'd tell her to keep in touch. Friend her on FB and check her relationship status every once in a while. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 About the emotional affair aspect of it, yes she is having one with you. What you can do is tell her that she needs to be with her husband, and that you are deeply happy that she cares about you and was there for you in your time of need, but that you now need to step back because it's not fair to her or her husband for you to be taking something from her that belongs in her marriage. Had my OW given me a talk like that I would not be nearly as bad off as I am now with my wife. Ultimately for her, as for me, the affair is her/my responsibility, not my OW's or yours, but be a good friend back to her, as she has been to you, and give her a nudge back into her marriage. Don't make her into a cheater like all her other Ex's were to her. Cheers mate, you'll do fine. -nbr Link to comment
vesper Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 I want to tell her before I move because I don't know if I will move back and see her again. . and what good would it do to tell her if you are never going to see her again ?? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 Dude - you need to find a new job. Don't you realize how wrong this is? Wrong to all the people you work with, wrong to the husband. You should distance yourself from her. You're not a good influence. She's a married woman - she should not be confiding marital problems to an ex she still has feelings for. She's wrong for doing that, but you shouldn't allow it to happen, so you share responsibility. She's cheating on her husband and acting totally unprofessional at work. She could and should lose her job. Her life is a mess. And you say you respect her? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 This is the reason why there are so much problems in marriages. You have these emotional affairs with exes that you never really stop loving. Relationships are tough. If you still feel the need to stay in contact with an ex, you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 ^^^Our situation is complicated. We weren't in contact when she got married. Life circumstances brought me back to my hometown. I facebooked her asking if she can hook me up with a job and she did. I thought she was over me because she was married and I had a girlfriend at the time. But then when we started working together it was evident I was the love of her life that got away. She even told me that we are compatible and her and her husband aren't. Now I know it is wrong having an emotional affair but I feel like it's not going to lead to anything bad and I'm doing her a favor emotionally. She is using me as an emotional crutch while she goes through this rough patch with her husband. I found out the husband wants to have a baby but she doesn't because she feels he is too immature and irresponsible to be a father and wants to wait until he proves to her that he can be a good father by being more responsible in life. He has been sleeping on the couch and they have not have sex in over a month. This is what they are fighting about. So I know she loves her husband and is just using me emotionally to get by. Is that a justifiable reason to continue this emotional affair? We had an argument last night and she said she remembers why we broke up in the first place 10 yrs ago and that we could never be together in the future. And she talked about her husband today and was cold to me today at work. So I don't think I'm homewrecking because this emotional affair isn't going to lead to anything. She's just using me for her ego. I don't mind being used that way because after all the help she's given me in life. Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 and what good would it do to tell her if you are never going to see her again ?? Wouldn't you want someone to confess their love to you if it was the last time they were ever going to see you? That would make anyone feel special. Link to comment
Shane505 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Dude - you need to find a new job. Don't you realize how wrong this is? Wrong to all the people you work with, wrong to the husband. You should distance yourself from her. You're not a good influence. She's a married woman - she should not be confiding marital problems to an ex she still has feelings for. She's wrong for doing that, but you shouldn't allow it to happen, so you share responsibility. She's cheating on her husband and acting totally unprofessional at work. She could and should lose her job. Her life is a mess. And you say you respect her? Yes the whole work thing is a mess now. Some jealous hating workers complained to management about our "cliquish ways" and we are being heavily monitored now. But she is protected by union so it would take a lot for her to get fired. She is a political mover and shaker so she has people in high places that will go to bat for her if need be. She has done huge political favors for management in the past so she knows she is untouchable. Someone in management threatened her with HR talk. My ex quickly reminded this manager she did her a favor by using her connections to help this manager keep her position when the manager was on the verge of getting fired last year. The manager cried and apologized to her. Hardball office politcs! My ex is a boss like Michael Douglas in Wall Street lol. I respect her because she doesn't physically cheat and refuses to put herself in vulnerable situations like meals alone with me. Now as for the emotional cheating? She feels it's nothing because it's not going to lead to sex or her divorcing her husband. Maybe her perception on emotional cheating is questionable. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 . Now as for the emotional cheating? She feels it's nothing because it's not going to lead to sex or her divorcing her husband. Maybe her perception on emotional cheating is questionable. As having been both the cheater, and more recently the cheatee with an emotional affair, I will tell you that they are every bit as damaging (aside from possible STD issues) as a sexual affair. My wife won't admit that hers was an affair, same as this gal, because there was no sexual or romantic intent, but it hurt me very badly none the less. -nbr Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 So I know she loves her husband and is just using me emotionally to get by. Is that a justifiable reason to continue this emotional affair? There is no justifiable reason for it. Would you want some dude doing this with your wife when your marriage was on the rocks? Link to comment
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