Does unrequited love/heartbreak/abandonment leave a person heartless?

[londonbridge]

To answer your original question: Does unrequited love/heartbreak/abandonment leave a person heartless?

 

No. I think you have heart. A very big heart that's very hurt, not heartless. Honestly, I don't think what you said was all that harsh, lol. It's funny actually, if you have a wry sense of humor. Some days other people are just annoying! Can't be helped. IMO, if you'd had said that to his face, THAT would have been heartless and mean. Main thing I see is that you are still trying to mend your heart. By voicing yourself on enotalone, that is part of the process of healing and processing what you are going through. I was on enotalone a lot after a very devastating heartbreak as well. Enotalone helped me.

 

And, further, more than just enotalone, I read tons and tons of books on spirituality, buddhism, business, healing, etc. Those books, surprisingly, were so meaningful and helpful in assisting me in the healing process. I read so many, I don't remember them all, but, the Tibetan Book of the Dead by sigoyl rinpoche is good! It's thick though, so I just read passages from time to time. Another good book is, Women who run with the Wolves, it's a good book to start with, easier to get through.

 

By the way, do you have any close friends? Or at least someone who might not be close, but would possibly have a sympathetic ear?

 

I remember I reached out to everyone I knew, close friends and non-close friends. When I went through my heartbreak, everyone knew it. lol. I probably annoyed a bunch of them with my neediness, but it's so important to get support though. And people were a lot more understanding than I thought! Everyone had a similar heartbreak story, and they gave me supportive advice and encouragement.

 

Ultimately, it took me 3 years to fully get over the ex. I'm still healing from it, but now instead of misery and longing, I'm feeling happier about myself and moving on full blast. I used to think he was so "special" too, but now, I know he's not. Anyone who is that blind and can't see how FABULOUS I am, is not worth my time or grief!

 

You are way more important, special, beautiful, sexy and amazing than that person who just left you with no answers. I've been left once for someone else, he just stopped calling and coming around and next thing you know, I hear he done did get some young girl pregnant! IRRESPONSIBLE. Poor girl too, she was so young with dreams, but he got her pregnant to keep her. You know what, people who do that, leave people hanging, are NOT special. They are rude and inconsiderate and not worth your time. That means your ex. Yup, that's right. I know, it's hard to see that "special" ex as being a worthless person, but if they treat you like trash, they are not worthy of your time. I see you never got any closure. That's a killer and eats one up inside. Your ex was a horrible being and absolutely disrespectful for not being considerate enough to give you the closure you needed. That's wrong and, you know what, I would say, .....extremely HEARTLESS and cowardly.

 

Btw, you don't seem very heartless to me. You're just in a bad place, like many of us have been before. And yes, I know what you mean about being jealous of others my age. I compare myself to others often too and get all down about myself. But, then one day, on a good day, I decided I'm not going to compare myself to them anymore. I have my ups and downs, but the main thing I try to do, is to pamper myself and put myself before ANYBODY else. Once you take care of yourself, life takes care of you! If you have any passions, get into that! That's what helps me. After the breakup, I really got into oil painting and the arts. Things I'd left behind in childhood, but am now rediscovering.

 

Hope you feel better sooner than later. *hug*

[happpybear]

i apologize in advance if the below message is harsh, I don't mean it to be, but sometimes i can be too direct

 

i can't read this whole thread because it is just unbelievable to me, and you have posted similar threads elsewhere spewing the same hate and anger and victim mentality to the point that i do not think you want to change at all because you are actually an attention wh***, want people to feel sorry for you because it validates the negative feelings you have for yourself. Just because YOU feel love for someone and YOU want to be with them, DOES NOT MEAN that they have to feel the same for you. And if you projected the same anger and resentment to this ex-friend when she rejected you then i don;t blame her for never talking to you again.

 

Life is short, do you really wanna spend the next 6 years feeling like this? If you really want to change, STOP WALLOWING IN YOURSELF, STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE BEEN WRONGED. just stop thinking about yourself period. Think about others. You have a history of being abused, THEN GO AND HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT TOO. Help at a homeless shelter. Go to a poverty stricken country with Habitat for Humanity and check out the suffocating, endless, brutal suffering, suffering that you and I will never come close to enduring, which these people have to endure simply because of where they were born.

 

In other words, get out of your own head and get some perspetive on life. Sitting behind your computer starting online arguments about why you are hard done by is an unproductive waste of time.

[Moontiger]

While happybear is a bit harsh in how she has said this, I think she makes some good points. Go out and help other people and don't assume just because someone appears to have a nice, happy, life that they do. I most traumatized person I have ever meet was great at showing the work a "perfect" image. Hair done, good job, boyfriend, but she was dead on the inside and with all the problems I have had I would NEVER switch spots with her.

 

A guy I know has an IQ of over 150, very good with women, could get someone one whenever he wanted. One night when drunk he told me about his childhood....I will never repeat the horrible things he told me about that night. But, if he come through your line at walmart you would assume he was this charming good looking guy with a nice life. You see to WANT to think everyone had a good life if they SEEM to have a good life. Why not look at someone you think is "perfect" and just think "What are some of the things they might have gone through?"

 

If you are borderline, doctors do treat that, so not believe random people on the internet go and look into it for yourself.

 

The main problem here isn't even anger I think be jealously. Your upset that other people appear to enjoy life. Ok, fine. What are you doing to do about that? Be angry or go out and experience the world? Go volunteer somewhere, get a hobby, take a cooking class. That is a lot out there to do.

[Moontiger]

Also, link removed

 

For BPD:

 

Treatment

 

Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors.

 

In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.

[cadmiumblue]

I don't really have friends.

[cadmiumblue]

No, I never showed anger toward my ex friend. I realized that she didn't feel the same and hoped we could just forget about it. She couldn't. Two months after I told her, she was gone, with plenty of avoidance in those two months. I could tell she didn't feel the same, and spending time with me had become a chore. Makes me wonder why her family all thought we were dating. Weird.

 

I understand that you think I need to get out of my own head, but what about people who are like "what should I do about my fwb?" "my ex called on my birthday" if you think I'm selfish and in my own head, why don't you think they are, too? Why are you singling me out? At least I have a very rare and real problem: never so much as kissing anyone at 28.

 

Anyway, whatever.

[cadmiumblue]

Also, link removed

 

For BPD:

 

Treatment

 

Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors.

 

In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.

 

 

The general consensus seems to be that BPD is untreatable, and therapists will generally turn away people with it. Most don't want to bother.

 

I am holding out for the small chance that I don't have it.

[cadmiumblue]

Thank you. : )

 

I don't think I'm sexy, though. I am many things but I don't think sexy is one of them. Wish it was. Maybe then I wouldn't be in this mess.

[happpybear]

No, I never showed anger toward my ex friend. I realized that she didn't feel the same and hoped we could just forget about it. She couldn't. Two months after I told her, she was gone, with plenty of avoidance in those two months. I could tell she didn't feel the same, and spending time with me had become a chore. Makes me wonder why her family all thought we were dating. Weird.

 

I understand that you think I need to get out of my own head, but what about people who are like "what should I do about my fwb?" "my ex called on my birthday" if you think I'm selfish and in my own head, why don't you think they are, too? Why are you singling me out? At least I have a very rare and real problem: never so much as kissing anyone at 28.

 

Anyway, whatever.

 

I very well think many people are selfish in their own head, and have told this point-blank to many people on here and in my own life. Most of these people were thankful that i told them the harsh truth, they didn't realize it they were acting that way and made changes in there life due to my "slap-in-the-face' verbal advice. I am not trying to pick on you, really am not. But sometimes it is hard to see beyond yourself when you feel bad. I know, i have been where you are too, and i regret wasting time wallowing in self-pity. It seems to me though, that you don't want to take advice from people because you are defensive and fight everything people say. This i why i think you are an attention wh***, because you are not on these forums for advice to genuinely change your life, you just want to wallow and have people pay attention to you. Most people here take the advice given, and don't fight for 10+ pages, you are not doing this and that's why i wrote my original message.

 

I don't really have friends.

 

This doesn't surprise me at all actually. does it surprise you? Do you want friends? did you drive them all away because you were a "Debbie downer"? (I have done this before myself)

 

Think about why you do not have friends. If you want them, the do something about it. generally people want to hang around with positive friendly people that care and take an interest in their friends' well being. Do you do this, or are you a blackhole of despair, selfishness and self-pity?

 

Whatever the case fix it, and things will brighten for you exponentially. I still strongly recommend getting a life.

[happpybear]

Why are you singling me out?

 

Please tell me that you at least see by the above statement how you are once again, on page 11, STILL playing the victim

[cadmiumblue]

 

Whatever the case fix it, and things will brighten for you exponentially. I still strongly recommend getting a life.

 

"Get a life"? Really?

[Moontiger]

The general consensus seems to be that BPD is untreatable, and therapists will generally turn away people with it. Most don't want to bother.

 

I am holding out for the small chance that I don't have it.

 

Please tell me where you get that information from. I know many people in the mental health industry and have never heard such a things.

 

I find what you choose to respond to and what you don't very interesting. You have chosen to respond to my evidence that IF you have BPD it IS treatable with an assertion but no evidence that its not.

 

You ignore the suggestions to go out and help other people, to experience life, etc.

[cadmiumblue]

I would really rather not have it, to be honest, so I'm hoping for that. It's a horrible disorder.

 

My hope is that once I get into healthy and normal situations, my anger will dissipate and that my reactions will be more normal to everything. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I don't self harm and I can act pretty normal around normal people. I'm really hoping I don't have it.

[mhowe]

See post #31. An online acquaintences' wife is a therapist....that is where the diagnosis came from. Twice removed from reality, no interaction besides on line.

[Moontiger]

I would really rather not have it, to be honest, so I'm hoping for that. It's a horrible disorder.

 

My hope is that once I get into healthy and normal situations, my anger will dissipate and that my reactions will be more normal to everything. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I don't self harm and I can act pretty normal around normal people. I'm really hoping I don't have it.

 

If I have a broken arm will hoping make it go away? Look, I don't know if you have it or not. What I do know is that it is best to go to a qualified person and say, "I am worried I have BPD." And then do what you have to do for an accurate diagnosis. You might have nothing, you might have something other then BPD. But right now, sitting around on the computer instead researching therapists will not help you.

 

Again, where do you get your information that its not treatable? I have provided evidence that it is so what is your evidence that it is not?

[cadmiumblue]

Numerous sources saying that it's difficult to treat and it scares therapists.

[Moontiger]

Numerous sources saying that it's difficult to treat and it scares therapists.

 

Which ones??? I know people in the industry and every reputable source I have come accross states the exact opposite. Its treatable IF the person is WILLING.

[penelope13]

I would really rather not have it, to be honest, so I'm hoping for that. It's a horrible disorder.

 

My hope is that once I get into healthy and normal situations, my anger will dissipate and that my reactions will be more normal to everything. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I don't self harm and I can act pretty normal around normal people. I'm really hoping I don't have it.

 

Regardless if you fall under BPD or any other type of diagnosis - your life is miserable, you are miserable.

 

So you need to do something different than you have been doing so far if you want to accomplish a change.

 

I also have no idea what your sources are, but you are making up excuses as to why you are not trying to find a therapist. True, it may take some trial and error to find the right person - but there are many things that you can change in your own behavior if you just want to and where a therapist can help with.

 

My hope is that once I get into healthy and normal situations

 

how are you imaging you want to go about this?

[cadmiumblue]

Getting a job, making some money and moving the heck out of my mom's house all come to mind.

[penelope13]

That's a good start - but you need to also work on your personal development, i.e. dealing with your reactions to people and situations.

[cadmiumblue]

Another thing that really sucks about this situation is that people tell me I can't give any advice because I haven't been in a relationship.

[mhowe]

Another thing that really sucks about this situation is that people tell me I can't give any advice because I haven't been in a relationship.

 

Don't worry -- I wouldn't take relationship advice from a priest either. If you've never had chocolate, it's hard to describe the taste to someone else.

[pl3asehelp]

Another thing that really sucks about this situation is that people tell me I can't give any advice because I haven't been in a relationship.

 

What would you be basing your advice on without experience?

[cadmiumblue]

You do realize I've been around relationships all my life? I've seen other people's mistakes. I've seen other people's relationships and what they did right and what they did wrong. You can learn some things by watching others. Also, plenty of common relationship mistakes--I haven't made them. That may be because I haven't had a relationship, but so what? I avoided those bad things and want good things.

 

Also, it's not okay for you to call me out and say I've never had a relationship when I'm replying to threads. It derails the topic and doesn't help anyone.

[cadmiumblue]

Also, this kind of "oh you've never been in a relationship so your opinion means nothing" is another bit of salt that rubs in my wounds. As if being sexually frustrated and having no lover wasn't bad enough on its own.