At what point does one reach acceptance?

[TopFive]

It's been two and a half months since the final BU and things clearly haven't been easy. Even though the worst part is already over (finding out she was involved with someone else), I'm still stuck with nightmares, being lonely, angry and depressed. I have a lot of unanswered questions and sometimes it's really hard to concentrate on what's important in life. This is supposed to be my last semester at this school and I can't seem to focus at all because my heart is still healing and I don't have any distractions out here. You would think that being in the country would be beneficial, but it only makes my situation worse. I'm used to being lonely out here and having that girl back home to talk to. Now besides a few phone calls from my boys and family members, my phone is usually dry.

I know I need to accept that she is gone and has moved on, but it's hard when you're the one who is left in the cold. She obviously wasnt the one for me and was just a seasonal person, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the good times before we started falling apart. I wish a I "had a life", but that's hard to find in Goodwell, Ok (look it up) . I'm just really having a hard time accepting that it's over and getting rid of the images of her screwing that dude.

Geeezz!! This is enough to make a person never want to get into a relationship again. Why me? I'm the good guy! lol

[Liraele]

It's different for everyone. (On the timing of acceptance.) It's not really something you can rush or demand.

 

A life is what you make it. Do things you enjoy and stop worrying so much about the appearance of having a life based on someone else's criteria.

 

Get out of the house, get physical, get a penpal to talk to. Even in the middle of nowhere, you can find things to keep your hands and mind busy if you are determined to do so.

[Sadbri]

I've felt like I've reached acceptance a few times in the last month and a half only to go right back to feeling sad and lost a few days later. I think it's a slow process that is different for everyone.

[HeartGoesOn]

There is no one size fits all, as everyone heals at a different pace. In the mean time be kind to yourself while gradually trying to get back to your normal activities.

 

Take it one day at a time and give yourself a break, when and if you take a few steps backwards.

[bw92116]

For me it's always been a matter of simply giving up the effort. It's like I'm running after someone who is running away from me. At some point you just get tired of the effort and you stop and stand there, and watch them keep running and see them get further and further. You just decide it's not worth the effort any more. So you give up the effort. Then you feel a lot more peaceful. That's what "acceptance" has been for me. And then you notice there are lots of other people, who are just standing waiting for you to approach or even walking in your direction.

[SAButterfly]

I've felt like I've reached acceptance a few times in the last month and a half only to go right back to feeling sad and lost a few days later. I think it's a slow process that is different for everyone.

 

This has been my issue as well. I always thought that when I hit that acceptance point, it would feel like a weight lifted off. He told me he wanted to date others so I had to accept it. Now, I feel as depressed as ever.

[kitkat620]

Let me tell you, I had a husband who cheated on me for most of our marriage. And yes, the images of him with someone else was heartbreaking and at times I thought I wouldn't make it. I questioned myself, tried to change, lose weight, color my hair, dress differently, but it didn't matter. He was a cheater and it wasn't a physical want, it was emotional. There wasn't, and still isn't, one person out there that could fulfill all of his emotional needs. Some people are like that. It took me a very long time to accept that fact, and until I did our life together was very difficult, to say the least.

But no matter how tough it was for me, I made it through and have learned so much from that relationship.

I have learned that you cannot make someone love you or be with you if that is not their plan.

The only person you can control is yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness.

You may be lonely, yes, but if you really really enthusiastically seek - you will find something to fill those lonely hours. Take walks, do yoga (yes, men do do yoga) meditate, read, read, read, talk to friends, family, make new friends. You will discover a new you. You are a good person and you will meet someone that will appreciate that and not hurt you.

Give it time, it does heal all wounds.

[Sadbri]

It's like I'm running after someone who is running away from me. At some point you just get tired of the effort and you stop and stand there, and watch them keep running and see them get further and further. You just decide it's not worth the effort any more. So you give up the effort. Then you feel a lot more peaceful. That's what "acceptance" has been for me. And then you notice there are lots of other people, who are just standing waiting for you to approach or even walking in your direction.

 

This is one of the best things I've read on this site in a while. I'm still stupidly running, though at this point it becoming more of a jog.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I don't believe there is a point at which you can say "okay, I've accepted everything. I'm over it." It's more of a gradual onset, and you accept different facets of the situation at different times. And then when you think you've fully accepted things as they are, you still find yourself going back down the rabbit hole. It's not so much like a light bulb turns on and you're done healing. It's more like slowly building a callous over your heart, over time. If you touch a hot stove enough times, eventually you'll stop feeling it!

 

It can be very difficult to concentrate while you're dealing with all of this. The mental and emotional storms rage out of control and that's one of the worst parts of all this - loss of control. Something that helped me was to bargain with myself about grieving. I would say "okay, I'm going to try to focus on nothing but work for a couple hours. Then I'll take a break and cry, read ENA, puke, or whatever. After I'm done finishing this, I'll allow myself to bath in sadness". You have to grieve. So not grieving isn't going to work. Try to tell yourself that you'll deal with it later in the day when the work is done.

[Eet]

Time heals all wounds, and patience is your friend. It's not easy, but eventually your mind will start to work in a different way; the loneliness and anger will fade, and although you will still have moments where it physically hurts, these will be fleeting.

[TopFive]

Thanks! I'm actually gonna try this tonight. I have A LOT of Shakespeare and British Lit to read. smh This whole deal has made it extremely hard to focus.

[FreeFallFeelin]

In the first couple months of my BU I was frantic and scattered I couldn't hardly read at all. I could barely drive and stay at speed or on the lines! Yeah, it was NUTZ.

 

It's weird, but it helped me when I learned WHY my mind and body were so totally out of my control. In a nutshell, when someone leaves you it is a full on crisis. Your subconscious mind is triggering all sorts of defense and copying mechanisms that were learned at a very young age (a lot of times we don't have very good coping tools, which makes things even more difficult). As all of these deep seated defense mechanisms get triggered (hyper vigilant awareness, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, constantly on edge) it sends you into pscho-biological overdrive as an effort to be prepared for action, or to find the missing thing/person and to try to figure out what went wrong and how you can fix it to get life back to normal. This is all instinctual. Think how freaked out we get if we misplace our wallet or car keys. Only takes a second for us to flip out. The BU is that (missing something) on large doses of steroids!

 

As I learned more about this it helped me to be more aware of how I was searching and worrying about something that wasn't going to change or be fixed. That doesn't make it any less painful, but when you can sit down and talk yourself through and out of panic attack, and realize that it's all just because you miss her (keep you thoughts that simple), you can organize your thoughts and emotions much better. Focus on the sadness of loss and try to ignore the hashing of details (good luck). That way your just sad and not frantically replaying every detail over and over in your mind.

 

Another thing that really helps me, and I know other posters have posted about this too, is meditation. That's not some high minded new age type dream state, but rather just sitting still, and trying to keep all of your focus on your breathing. Sit for five to ten minutes and when the thoughts come up, just gently sweep them aside and put your attention back on your breath. As the minutes go by you may notice that your breathing has calmed down and so has the mental storm. I can calm myself quite well doing this. It takes practice to get comfortable and to find the focus to constantly watch your breath but after a couple weeks of doing it every day for five to ten minutes, you may start to crave those moments as rare moments of desperately needed peace.

 

Good luck to you my friend.