What now?

[rich46]

Hi all,

 

Wow, I haven't started a topic in the 'Getting Back Together' forum for a while! I guess that's because I have been moving on with my life, and the thoughts of getting back with her were gradually fading from my mind. Until......

 

She started contacting me again. See link removed for more details about that.

 

Inevitably, this has got my mind racing. Now I am not sure what to do. She is obviously pretty miserable in her own life right now, and her rebound isn't working at all. In the phone call last Thursday she said that she missed me, felt used by the rebound guy, and remarked how I had changed (like she sounded surprised that I was no longer the broken man I was 3 months ago).

 

Anyway, in the last 3 months I've done A LOT of thinking and A LOT of work on myself and I feel A LOT stronger as a result.

 

However, my situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that I am going backpacking to New Zealand in February for at least 3 months, more likely 6+ months. I know that this is something that she has always wanted to do, and she sent me a text message the other day asking "How much does it cost to go to New Zealand? Thinking about getting a Graduate Loan... x"

 

Maybe this was a flippant reaction to hearing of my plans. But then again, maybe it was a hint that she'd like to join me? So naturally, I've spent the last few days at work thinking about whether I would want her to come with me, if indeed that is a possibility. I have come to the conclusion that I would, although we would have to do a lot of talking and reflecting before it could happen.

 

Now the deadline for her to book the trip would be December 10th, so I'm thinking I've got to act sooner rather than later...

 

Trust me, there is a point to this thread! Basically, I'm thinking about initiating contact (the first time I will have done this for 2 months) and maybe suggesting we meet up for the day somewhere, like a shopping centre, go to the cinema, that kind of thing. We live 100 miles apart you see. She has always wanted to remain "best friends" so I'm pretty sure she'd accept...

 

I truly am ready to see her, as like I've said, I have come a long way in the 3 months of virtual no contact. I do want her back, but I really do know that I'll be fine without her too.

 

So is it worth a shot? I don't think I've got anything to lose. I don't want to leave the country and regret that I didn't try and sort things out. I appreciate it may be a setback for me, but I also think that it may be worth a shot.

 

Sorry for this being a little long, just wanted to share my thoughts and hear any of your opinions before I actually do anything.

 

Thanks a lot everyone,

 

Rich

[fantasia2004]

no! go by yourself.

[fantasia2004]

Do you really still have strong feelings for her shopuld you take her on this trip with you? Do you want to experinece the same pain again?

[rich46]

Do you really still have strong feelings for her shopuld you take her on this trip with you? Do you want to experinece the same pain again?

Do I want to experience this pain again? Of course not! But I doubt I ever will because now I know that I am fine without her, and should it happen again then I'll be more equipped to cope with the pain.

 

But the dilemma is whether or not I should risk it...

[Silencer]

Sorry to be selfish here, I know you're asking for advice but I have a question for you.

 

I'm interested in going backpacking, I'm just out of uni and working a temporary job for five months to save some money while I decide what to do. I've considered going abroad a lot because I've not seen much of the world and I'd love to experience some other cultures, even if only briefly. I also think it's would do me the world of good in helping build confidence and making me more sociable.

 

Thing is I have absolutely no clue about any of this kind of thing. I was just wondering do you have any advice/helpful resources?

[majord23]

no! go by yourself.

 

Agreed.

 

You are opening yourself way up. You say that you feel ready to see her....but it's amazing how quickly that feeling can erode. A misplaced word, a bad conversation and you're back at square 1.

 

Have a look at the facts bro. She made a flippant remark about NZ and you have worked out the deadline for when she has to book her ticket? It's not healthy Rich, and you're not ready.

 

I'm not trying to be rude mate, I'm just calling it as I see it.

 

Go to NZ without her in your plans. If she wants to come, she will tell you.

You are going to meet SO many people over the next few months mate and have fun like you will never believe. (believe me! )

 

Don't spend the the time leading up to your trip stressing about your ex instead of looking forward to it for what it is - the adventure of a lifetime.

 

Go alone....and don't contact her.

[fantasia2004]

When you come back Rich make sure you tell us what happened over there. I love traveling . Besides she is the one -your ex- that messed things up. She now wants to taste the forbidden fruit again? No way ! WAIT TILL SHE CALLS OR TELLS YOU OR SEES YOU!

 

yOU WORKD HARD TO GET THIS FAR DON'T BLoW IT AWAY BY GIVING IN TO HER JUST BECAUSE SHE CALLED.

[stolenshadow]

Oh Rich, you know something? I believe that being ignored and dumped is not as hard and confusing as when we feel ok and the ex returns with "sorrys".

Well, that's just me anyway, the point is you are excited again, wondering if it wasn't meant to be after all, but you must consider that she might just be trying to test you, seeing if it's possible to get that "power" back, you said she was shocked about your trip, well it could be a punch to her ego.

 

She could be being honest, but she'll have to prove it, don't make the hard work for her, if she wants to go with you she has to do EVERYTHING alone, just like you did and you must be prepared to be left there in NZ if she suddenly decides again she wants to be on her own or with her new friends.

 

I think it's better if you don't contact her and go on as you were without her, you are doing great, don't give her a different impression.

[hockeyboy]

isn't rich getting exactly what he had been wishing for, exactly at what he had worked so hard to achieve. I know he was in a long term serious relationship. I have met plent of people who have dated long term and broken up only to be reunited. I'm not saying this will certainly happen, but it sure does seem possible.

 

I'm not saying rich should take her on his trip, however, he should also follow his heart. Yes, he may get hurt again. But, this being my opinion, i will gladly risk being hurt rather then ever having to say those two horrible words..."what if....?" I believe we should all just follow our hearts. If rich loves her, he loves her, why shouldnt he try to get back with her? Cause she messed up and hurt him? Well...maybe she'll make it up to him..we are only human.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, only rich knows where he stands. Only rich knows the risk/reward of the situation. But ill tell you all one thing. My ex of four years came back to me. I tried to make it work...it turned out badly. Ya, i was hurt for a little while, but nothing like i was when we first broke up and not nearly for the same amount of time. it doesnt bring you back to "square one" and if it does..you proceed through the stages much faster the second go around. Its a risk..but you gotta take them.

 

Do i regret trying to get back with her even though it didnt work out? NOT FOR A SECOND. I never ever regretted it. The reason being...i dont have to say what if..." because i know what if. It didnt work and to be honest, i think that is what gave me my ultimate closure on the situation. I am 100% healed from that girl, that love, and its great.

 

Dont do anything you will regret...but also, dont not do something you will regret either.

[Mun]

Rich I have a suggestion.

 

Contact her and let her know the deadline date to sign up for this trip... and nix the "date" plans you were making in your head. This way it is entirely out of your hands if she wants to come along---and she is responsible for making THAT decision on her own (knowing she will have to see you, talk to you) andddd you are not pushing things by trying to get a date from her. Things go smoother when the dumper is the one making the decisions to have contact again. get the picture?

 

Have alot of fun over there-take pictures !

[trishcollins]

Hey Rich, just checking in. I think you should go to New Zealand without her, even if she is hinting. It will be a great opportunity for you and you don't want to spend it working stuff out with your ex. You should enjoy your time, and if she wants to keep in touch, via email, then that's great. Maybe you can plan to meet up when you get back. However, travelling with something where things are up in the air, is not a good idea. Use this time to make yourself even stronger. She will still be there when you get back, if that is what she wants. And if that is what you still want.

[shockeddismayed]

I agree with everyone else Rich.

 

Do not even dream of changing your plans to accommodate her.

 

Travelling with someone is a HUGE stressor on even the most solid relationships. Do you want to risk the experience of a lifetime with someone who is so unstable?

 

If you must, email her back saying simply: "I paid $XXXX.XX for my ticket. I'm really looking forward to the trip."

 

PERIOD. Do not ask her along... DO NOT even hint it.

 

In my mind, the best thing would be if you go away on your trip, she emails you periodically while you are AWAY to say she wants you back, and you have the distance and time to really think about that before coming back home.

 

If it is going to work out, that to me seems like a healthy way for you both to start fresh. You get an adventure of the self, and she proves her love by waiting.... by the time you get back, most of the ups and downs and craziness she will likely exhibit should have faded, so you can both start a mature relationship.

 

If you need hope, keep this in your mind.... but go alone.... don't let her intrude on your recovery journey.

 

S&D

[ryan14]

hello rich

 

man i am so glad your getting stronger, congrats!

 

I completely agree with the other posters here specially muneca's and S&D's advice

 

just inform here about the deadline, go to NZ by yourself, it would be a great opportunity to meet people.

 

and it will also increase your Ex-GF's interest in you (asking what happened during your trip or have you meet someone else)

 

this time i think she'll really think straight.

 

good luck and keep us posted

[rich46]

Wow, some great responses from all of you - although the fact that good points were made from either side has made me more confused than ever!

 

I'll start with hockeyboy's viewpoint. I think he made some excellent points in his reply. The main concern for me is that I get out to New Zealand, and think "what if?" What if I had reached out to my ex? What if she was here in this beautiful country with me? What if I had taken a gamble and met up with her?

 

In these last few months, I have done a lot of thinking.

 

While I am not saying my ex was completely blameless, I do think that my clingyness pushed her further and further away towards the end of our relationship. I was no longer the fun loving guy she met 4 years ago, and as I had no job, hardly any friends/motivation - she thought the grass was greener on the other side. Now I know a lot of people say this, but I really do know that I have changed in that time, i.e. new job, started a college course, new friends, obviously made plans for travel etc.

 

I have always been critical of myjoy and the like's "so-called startegies" to get back with your ex. But maybe there is an element of truth to them? Have any of you guys who are advising against contact ever posted in myjoy's famous thread? If you have, then haven't I unknowingly successfully completed the initial stages, i.e. no contact, work on yourself, she's initiated contact...

 

BUT on the other hand, some of the comments advising me to go to New Zealand on my own really made me think.

 

Travelling with someone is a HUGE stressor on even the most solid relationships. Do you want to risk the experience of a lifetime with someone who is so unstable?

I really do appreciate that. It would be a massive risk, and we would have to do A LOT of talking before we could even think about doing it together. We would have to balance being together with being independent when we are over there - a difficult challenge. This is why I can't really do what Muneca suggested. If I sent her the deadline date, surely that would indicate that I definitely wanted her to come with me and the ball is in her court? But the fact is, I need to see her or speak to her at length to decide whether I do actually want it to happen. Confused? Me too!

 

She could be being honest, but she'll have to prove it, don't make the hard work for her, if she wants to go with you she has to do EVERYTHING alone, just like you did and you must be prepared to be left there in NZ if she suddenly decides again she wants to be on her own or with her new friends.

Great points stolenshadow. You are right, and I need to think about this some more. That's the main reason why I need to meet her and talk about things. I'll get a much better idea of the situation via a face to face meeting. Much more than text messages or phone calls could ever give. One thing that I would have to make clear is that if she was to ever desert me again for her friends or whatever, then that would be the end in terms of any future contact for us.

 

I don't know how I am coming accross to you all, but I have toughened up a lot, and I'm not just going to let her come waltzing back into my life as if nothing happened. But for 3 years, we were perfect for eachother, and it seems a shame to just let this go. I believe that it is worth a second chance. A third and fourth chance? Definitely not. But surely it is worth a second chance?

 

I'll leave it there for now. Thanks again for your advice, and feel free to add more comments and replies as I am still torn about what to do!

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[Sli]

Hi Rich46

 

Felt I ought to chip in my 2 cents based on my own similar experiences…

 

I won't bore you with my story but suffice to say it parallels yours in many ways and after many calls, letters etc from my ex I recently took the decision to take a second look. Firstly…be aware you are once again buying tickets for that emotional roller coaster and no matter how strong you think your stomach is now you'll almost certainly find yourself feeling those same unsettling extreme feelings.

 

Secondly, I chose to go to OZ rather than NZ but let me tell you I have never experienced anything like it. Rich…listen…are you listening…it would be better to go alone. I think at least 50% of people who travel are travelling alone and single and unless you suddenly find yourself unable to speak you will make friends almost instantly. Please listen you do not want to be restricting yourself in any way. Travelling is all about freedom, about discovery, about experience both physical and spiritual, (sorry dude, I'm starting to sound like a right hippy! but it is magical and you will be amazed if you go with an open and free mind, not one that is preoccupied with trying to deal with all the turmoil of the aforementioned rollercoaster. You will miss the point and you will miss something very precious indeed.

 

Lastly (and this is what I tell myself all the time) let go of what you cannot control Rich and live your life. You have no control over your girlfriend, you never did, you had no control when she left and you still have no control now that she is making contact, but you do have control over you. Mate you could have been to NZ and back by now in the time she has taken to realize the grass isn't greener! Don't live by her timetable, live by yours it's the only one you have a say in. She will be here when you get back, it's just a few months, and far from loosing that second chance, I would bet your chances of working things out will actually increase if you go alone.

 

True love will wait (and why would you even consider changing your plans for anything less anyway)

 

Take care

 

Sli

[Foz]

hey there,

first of all she hasnt said she is thinking of going to NZ with you.

2nd of all you planned this trip for yourself.

 

i think you should first find out is she considering going to NZ. if yes, Then does she seriously think that she can travel with you for 6 months given that she closed the door on you some months back. i would not go travelling with her but if you want i would let her know if she is going to be travelling in NZ at the same time as you then maybe you could meet up. That way you are still giving yourself space and if when you are travelling and you still want to make it work then you can meet up and see what happens and if you dont want to meet up then you dont have to.

if you go travelling together and it is not working, it will be like breaking up all over again..

[hockeyboy]

Just to make things clear. I am not advocating that Rich take her on this trip, but not rule it out either. Take things one day at a time. Honestly, jumping at the oppurtunity and asking her to come right now would probably make you look needy/clingy...something you simply do not want. However, I think Rich should be trying to make some progress with her before he leaves. Let her see the fun loving, changed guy that he is. Then, when he does leave, she will miss that new fun loving guy...the guy she fell in love with in the beginning. Who knows...if things progress fast enough, maybe she could come...but wouldnt count on that.

[rich46]

Sli, what an excellent post that was!

 

I think I know that I need to go to New Zealand on my own. The thing that scares me is that I could be saying goodbye to my chances of ever getting her back. But as you and others have so rightly pointed out, it may actually increase my chances in the long run. Who knows? But she did actually break up with me because she wanted to be young, free and single - and 3 months is not long enough to do that. The chances are if we got back together she would have the same feelings in the future.

 

By the time I get back we will have been broken up for at least a year, probably longer.

 

I think shocked&dismayed summed it up best here:

 

If it is going to work out, that to me seems like a healthy way for you both to start fresh. You get an adventure of the self, and she proves her love by waiting.... by the time you get back, most of the ups and downs and craziness she will likely exhibit should have faded, so you can both start a mature relationship.

 

Live by my own timetable? That is great advice and I need to keep rereading that because it is so true.

 

Thanks a lot, I'm starting to think more clearly about this now!

 

Rich

[herewegoagain]

Rich - be careful. which decision do you think you would regret more? I personally think that if you go away without her for that long, you may have no chance with her. You two will just grow apart. So be careful, and do what you would not regret someday. You don't want to be asking yourself "what if?" someday. Good Luck.

[rich46]

Rich - be careful. which decision do you think you would regret more? I personally think that if you go away without her for that long, you may have no chance with her. You two will just grow apart. So be careful, and do what you would not regret someday. You don't want to be asking yourself "what if?" someday. Good Luck.

Arrggghhh! Thanks for your reply, but it has confused me again!

[hockeyboy]

i think that if you make some progress with her before you go and things are going well then the trip just may be the final test for the two of you. if shes still there when you get back, great. if not, then maybe you will know that its just not meant to be.

 

when i was talking my "what if's" i was more concerned you wouldnt try to make some progress before you depart. leave things on the best note possible. leave it so your both craving more. i just didnt want to see you go without making that attempt. make sense? i think that if you make an effort and go away and when you get back you find out she has moved on..you will not have to say "what if" cause you did your best...and as long as you do what you can, and can look in the mirror without being disgusted at what you did..you will be happy.

[CharlieGurl]

Hi Rich,

I'm just gonna throw in my 2 cents as well...

 

I think you've gotten some really great advice here!

 

I too think you should go alone...and if you're travelling around and she's emailing you all the time and stuff, there's a chance she could meet you for a week or something. If she would go out of her way to set this up, then I think you would have more to go on...until she's really ready to take a risk and do something out of her element for you, I wouldn't put too much thought into getting back with you. Afterall, she ended things with you and would have a lot to prove if she wanted to get back together.

 

Not to be a downer, but there's a chance she hinted at coming with you in order to see if you'd ask her to come along...just to prove to herself that you're still into her and not as over her as you appear to be.

 

I think telling her how much it is and saying "yeah, I'm really looking forward to it" (like another poster suggested) is a PERFECT start.

 

No matter what, going alone will either help you heal even more...or give you a more definite answer about her intentions with you. (depending on how much she keeps in contact with you or if she makes an effort to join you for a while). Going WITH her won't give you as definite an answer because you'll be relying on each other during the trip and that could give a misrepresentation of feelings...does that make sense?

 

Anyway...I'm rambling...as usual...but i think you know what you have to do and just need a push!!

 

I hope you have a great time! I'm planning a trip to Australia next year...should be the trip of a lifetime!!!

 

Good luck!

[rich46]

Hi daisysoupus,

 

Thanks for your reply! Unfortunately her visiting me for a week or whatever is out of the question. I agree that she may be just testing the water to see if I would ask her.

 

The thing is, I have spoken to her since she sent me the text message. So I can't just reply to it anymore as it is irrelevant.

 

Honestly, I know some people pray that they'll hear from their exes again, but it causes so much confusion that I'm not sure whether it is a good thing afterall!

 

Rich

[stolenshadow]

Hi again Rich, let me tell you something, you keep mentioning that you fear you'll lose your chance with her, the last chance, the only chance, etc.

Now, she left the relationship, you're not the one leaving anything, if she's interested you don't have to work for it, you're not the one who said "it's over" so you don't have to build that up again, she's the one that might be losing her chance and she's the one that has to work for that chance.

 

You had your 50 into the relationship, your ex took her 50 away, now if she wants something she has to offer, then AFTER she offers you evaluate if you want to go back or not.

 

She left, basically you were free to make decisions, she knew (at least she should have known) once you were free you could do ANYTHING you wanted, she must see what she'll do of it, if she prefers not to work to win you back then that's her problem, you are single and she was clear about what she wanted.

 

She might just be needing a bit of help with her self esteem, you mentioned in previous posts that you helped her a lot, so she might be feeling lost again and that's why she contacted you, to pick her up and put her life together.

Many of us fear that, that's why we're telling you to be extra careful.

 

But again, think about it, you don't have to work for the relationship she destroyed, it's 50/50 only _after_ she puts it back together. Otherwise it won't be fair.

[Mun]

I just want to rant about something.

 

Why do we have to make every single decision a life and death one? Like everyone else has said>>> if she doesn't go on the trip then she will probably still be around when you get back. If she wanted to go on the trip she would make her own arrangements. All you had to do is throw it out there and that's it... don't worry about it .

 

Go on the trip. Have a good time.. and the rest will work itself out when you get back.

 

Ok back to work