Does my FB love me? Or is it just sex?

[Kara]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but give as much information as possible. I need some serious answers and advice if anyone feels like tackling this one. Please and thanks!

 

First of all, I've been sleeping with a guy I work with for a year. At the time, we were both in relationships which I knew was wrong from the start...I know. So please no advice on that part as I learned my lesson hard when I got caught by my bf of 4 years and hurt him deeply. Our relationship ended and I will never forgive myself for hurting him so bad.

 

So, the guy at work, who we'll call "C", continued wanting to be with me which surprised me because I thought we'd just stop since it caused so much trouble with my relationship and people at work finding out, etc. We're wonderful friends though, have a ton of fun together, and have great sex. I care for him very very much and he has been there for me through this entire ordeal I've gone through when most guys would want to stop it after things get so messy and complicated. The problem is this: He is still with his gf and doesn't seem to have any intentions of leaving her for me. Which is fine (but not really) since he never said he would I can't expect it...we were always just "friends with benefits." No strings attached. Well ofcourse, thit never works that way and I found myself falling in love with him. Now I want to be with him more than anything, but will never tell him or ask him because I don't want to suggest he breakup his relationship to be with me. I love what we have and don't want to ruin that, but at the same time...I want it to be more. Much more. I feel that he has love for me too...I can feel it when he looks at me, talks to me, makes love to me. He's even said certain things and that backtracked when he's realized he said it.

 

Here's my questions:

 

1) Would a taken guy continue an "affair" with you for over year JUST for sex? Or would it seem he does have heavier feelings for me but is scared of hurting his gf and leaving her? (been with her 2 years, and also keep in mind that I have never told him I was interested in anything else either.) What are signs he would likely be giving me if he DOES have deep feelings for me?

 

2) If he truly loved her, would he be doing this to her?

 

I have heard the "if he cheats on her, what kind of bf would he be to you?" before but I'm willing to take my chances, call me crazy. I care about him that much and despite his unfaithfulness to her, he is an amazing guy and I think they have problems he's not telling me about.

 

Any advice on what I should do about this situation would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks alot and sorry so long!

[Kara]

And sorry, a quick question for the gents here since it won't let me create another topic:

 

I had sex with the lights on for the first time the other night and I felt pretty insecure about what he thought about my body.

 

Do you guys notice as much as we think you do, the little flaws we worry about so much? Such as smaller breasts, a blemish on our butt, or a little bit of leg stubble because we didn't have time to shave? lol. What are you thinking when you see our naked bodies in the complete light???

 

Honest answers please! Thanks!

[Scout]

First of all, I've been sleeping with a guy I work with for a year. At the time, we were both in relationships which I knew was wrong from the start...I know. So please no advice on that part as I learned my lesson hard when I got caught by my bf of 4 years and hurt him deeply. Our relationship ended and I will never forgive myself for hurting him so bad.

 

Are you sure you learned your lesson and know what you did is wrong? Because a) you're still sleeping with the guy and b) he still has a girlfriend. What about the deep hurt she is going to feel when she finds out?

 

I think you know in your heart this guy has no intention of leaving his girlfriend for you. Very likely, he's not in love, either. A man in love usually is with the woman he loves. A cheating man is quite capable of staying "committed" to the woman he loves, while sleeping with others on the side.

 

I can understand why you would want it to be different, because you lost so very much when your boyfriend of four years found out about your affair.

[GymSweetie]

Hi Kara,

 

I have been dealing with an identical situation to yours, except I cheated on my husband of 6 years. He still doesn't know about my affair with my "friend" of 4 years.

 

Unlike you, I told the guy I loved him. Not long after that my husband demanded I give him sex and when I couldn't submit, he threatened to leave me abruptly so I proposed we plan a divorce. After notifying bf of the untimely event, he decided we should be friends & put it in the past. We remain friends with sexual overtones. The whole ordeal has affected so many others. I can only say it was incredibly selfish of he & I to pusue an affair.

 

I can tell you if your bf feels pressured into a committed relationship in any way, shape or form what you think is caring & great sex will be done, over, kaput! There is a great book I could suggest. If you pm me I will send you a link.

 

Please take care to retain your self-esteem and independence.

[confuzedboy89]

no your body doesn't really matter to us. its the same thing were thinking about.....will the girl think our penis is 2 small. were all body consious.

[Amethyst]

This is why FWBs is a bad idea. For women, sex is emotional and tied into feelings of love and affection. For men, it's physical, and doesn't have to have any emotional ties. It's ENTIRELY possible (even *probable*) that he has no deeper feelings for you and simply wants the tumbles in the hay for which you are always so readily available.

 

If you *really* want to find out how he feels about you, you can do it in three easy steps:

 

(1) Stop having sex with him.

(2) Refuse to be with him (sexually, physically, etc.) until you can be the one and only woman in his life. That means his current girlfriend has to go, and he can't sleep around with anyone else, either.

(3) Stick to steps 1 & 2 no matter how much he begs to the contrary.

 

If he truly has feelings for you, he will leave his current girlfriend and coming running to you; but, don't hold your breath. I'm pretty sure that, given an ultimatum, he will simply find another girl willing to give him the "tumbles" he desires.

[peanut15]

Kara...

 

Men do continue with their affairs for just sex. I've known too many friends (guys) that have continued to date girls just for that even though they were in a relationship. They might have been lacking the sex they wanted from their gf or they were just sleezy...I don't know.

 

You need to get out of this immediately.

[justagirl20f]

My opinion? For what it's worth, and it might not be much, but whatever it's free advice.

 

I think that you're a fool to believe anyone loves you if they are keeping their "real relationship" and you're a side dish. Think about it, he doesn't care that YOU know about her... But my guess is he'd go through hoops to keep her from finding out about you. Do you know what that means? He doesn't want to lose her.

 

Really if you're happy with the way things are now then I'd say just revel in the attention as long as you've got it. One of these days he might stop thinking with "junior" and leave you, or maybe you'll smarten up and find yourself a real relationship. If the latter then do try not to worry that whomever the lucky guy is is always cheating on you, okay? That's often a by-product of being a side dish for so long; you start to think that anyone is gonna be unfaithful. Just a heads up...

 

Really in a situation like this with a guy like this the only difference between what you've got now and the "more" you've got in mind is that- right now- he isn't hiding the fact that he's sleeping with others.

[tea]

According to all of my guy friends who had friends with benefits before, sex without feelings and girlfriends are separate. They claim they will never fall for a friend with benefit. In fact, they don't look well upon friends with benefits and think girls who can do the whole FB thing won't be good girlfriends. (double standard, I know, I scolded them for that)

 

In a lot of cases girls do fall in love with their friends with benefits though. Women tend to be emotional about sex, when men can keep it as a "I need to have sex" thing.

 

I agree with what's said above. Women should avoid being in a strickly sex relationship, simply because we're easier to fall for people we have sex with.

 

 

According to bf who also had a couple of FBs before, he said, "Well, we call them **** *******. It's great. You get sex and you don't have to work hard for it, no development in relationship, no uncertainties, no food before hand, no emotional crap, then when they need you you don't have to show up for them either. Sex without responsibilities, it's wonderful."

 

 

SOoooo... well, unless if you can happily agree with conditions above, I think it's awful. But, if you can accept them and happily live with them, even use the same criterias with them, then... engage in your FB relationships marrily. I wouldn't take any less than being their girlfriend though.

[Day_Walker]

If he really wanted to be with you and only you then he would have broken up with his gf. He is still with her and you are getting feelings for him, realize that you have created your own problem. It is unlikely that he is going to leave his gf, since you cannot handle a friends with benefits situation with this guy its best that you break it off. You are only going to get more attached later on and it will be worse.

[casado001]

Qeustion A)

 

He loves you. No one stays for a year just for sex.

 

 

Question b)

 

It was about time to let yourself be worshiped in the most intimate manner.

 

Enjoy someone making love to you with the eyes first, it is a blast!!