I'm Gay. My BFF is a Girl who is obsessed with me. What do I do?

[IcecreamLove]

My best friend who I have known for a few years has a crush on me. It all happened suddenly this year. We were good friends and got closer and closer to each other and the closer we got the more "secrets," she told me. She has told me about being sexually abused when she younger. Okay. Then the next secret came pouring that she has a crush on me. I told her, I'm sorry, I don't mean to lead you on, but I don't like you that way.

 

It KINDA made things awkward for us. I mean she still compliments me, says she thinks I'm attractive or that she "likes" me and is hurt that it's not going to happen. It makes me uncomfortable when she makes these comments. She also tends to act with people is she is innocent of everything. Her parent's are overly religious she claims to have never kissed anyone, drink, had sex etc. The next secret came out that she was having a relationship with her previous "best friend," but claims it was another case of abuse. There's also times I have caught her in lies about drinking. She claims she "never" drinks yet she had a beer at a party before. Her mom said in front of me my friend had a beer at a family get together as well.

 

I recently had to house sit for her and I know she keeps a journal, so yeah I read it. She obsessively writes about me for pages. About seeing me everyday. How much she likes me. How much she wants to "snuggle" with me. Kiss me. She even writes about kissing her friend Paul (yet is always claiming she's never kissed anyone before) and imagining it was me instead. She fantasizes about being with me all alone, and writes about my body. I'm really creeped out by it. She is honestly one of my only friends though and I enjoy spending time with her but I feel like she needs to get over this creepy crush.

 

She also has suicidal tendencies. Her mom even suggested going to a therapist for the abuse she suffered but she doesn't want to. I'm not a therapist, yet she comes to me with all her problems. I'm not sure what to do about it. Because every time I am like, "No," or that makes me uncomfortable she takes it out on herself. As if she isn't good enough. I also have a problem keeping all her "secrets" all the time. I ended up confiding in my brother becuz it really stresses me out and he said she just wants attention.

 

What do I do in this situation?

[becomingkate]

I would probably call her out on her behaviour as it happens. When she lies, ask her why she does it. If she's inappropriate with you, tell her. Distance yourself from her if she doesn't respect your boundaries. Teach her how she can be a good friend to you, and ask her how you can be a good friend to her.

 

I hope she straightens up a bit. It sounds like she's used to manipulating people.

[Juliette ne pas]

first...does the truth of weather she kissed someone or not really matter? You are a friend, gay, no boyfriend potential, more like a brother...you tell her the truth in love...I see you more as a sister, your a good person but our relationship can't be more than that....also I don't feel too comfortable with talking about this....

 

next, you read her journal....bad juju...I used to have a fantasy or two ++++ about a gay guy in my school...I was to lazy to write, but I never wanted to act on them, I knew these were safe to think about...I'm sure through my hormonal ups and downs he guessed....but he never let on...it wasn't all one sided...I was there for him too...friendship is about balance....if you don't define a good balance, then it will always be lopsided....I wish you the best....her parents should really look into counseling for her, for the abuse...and trying to deal with it.

[IcecreamLove]

Thanks for the replies. It helps a lot. The truth about her kissing someone? It bothers me because I know she is lying. And if she has lied about that, how do I know she doesn't lie about other things? She tries to pretend she is innocent and I have caught her in lies (about drinking) and now about her previous relationships. She claims she doesn't know what dating is. How to go on a date. She needs help with everything and a lot of times I feel like she is playing dumb so I can hold her hand and help her through things.

 

And I usually do call her out on what she says, about how it makes me uncomfortable but like I mention she just gets down on herself then. Which in turn makes me feel bad.

 

I have a journal too. But every page is seriously about me. Seeing me. What we did. Giving me space. Me not opening up to her. What she wants to do with me. I don't write like that, it seems really obsessive and freaks me out.

[TalkThatTalk9]

look, that is her journal. I have written so many things to my ex in my journal that if he were to read it, he'd think I was grade A crazy. the point is, that is the one place I can write talk etc where no one will judge me except me and God. and I can't believe you read it! you have no right to be upset about anything you read in there. it is her personal thoughts.

 

her behaviour you can be annoyed by.

 

does she know you are gay? it is not that big of a deal if she does, because in result, nothign will ever happen and I think she may know this.

 

I obsessively liked a guy in high school, and he knew. I was IN... LOVE with him. after awhile though, I got over it, because it was NEVER gonna happen.

 

like the above said, call her out when she lies, tell her what she says makes you feel uncomfortable as she is saying it, but don't ever bring up reading her journal.

 

and if this girl annoys you this much, maybe you are not as good friends as you think you are.

[TalkThatTalk9]

when girls have a crush, that is usually all they think about. I think this will pass. Just give it time

 

and p.s. when I look back on the journals I wrote while in love with that crush in high school, omg I am so embarassed! and I do sound like a nut! she will probably feel the same way one day.

[IcecreamLove]

Yeahh I guess I am in the wrong for reading it. I don't write like that so I assumed so was crazy but perhaps it is a phase. . . As for she knowing i'm gay, yeah, I am pretty open about it. I have even told her about my (very few) relationships. When she first told me she had a crush on me,and I turned her down she was hurt and thought I was "just like her" (not into sex or drinking etc because I have only had 2 relationships and they didn't pan out well anyway).

 

The drinking thing came up because we took a trip to the beach and she didn't want to get drinks, justified it by saying she's never drank. I called her out on it because she had a mikes hard lemonade at a dinner party with me and more of our shared friends. When we got back in state, me, her mom and her talked about the trip. Her mom asked if we drank, (it was a popular gay beach) and I said kinda and my friend said yes. My friend proceeded to tell her mom she did not like it though and jokingly said maybe she only likes beer because of the beer she has had at the family picnics.

 

I'm not annoyed by her i'm bothered that she obsessed about me and it makes me uncomfortable. She's a great friend to me, I can always count on her and we have fun together so I don't want to end our friendship.

[TalkThatTalk9]

then maybe just give it some time... she will realize soon enough you have zero interest in her. the lying would get on my nerves too. in fact, growing up I was friends with a compulsive liar. we were not friends anymore, and to this day I refuse to be friends with her because her lying was so insane growing up (which is hard because my best friend is good friends with her)

 

I hate liars. so I understand where you are coming from

[angrythoughts]

Well for starters you shouldn't be snooping through other peoples personal stuff. Being that you read her journal I think you just made yourself feel more uncomfortable. And the way you describe this girl it sounds like she's a pathological liar. I hate people who lie about the smallest things, but she definitely has some kind of mental issues. As for her telling you all her problems and your her "best friend", wouldn't you want to be there for her to help her? I understand someone with too many problems can be annoying eventually but she confides in you.

 

Her crush on you is really creepy though. Does she know your gay? You can't really do much to make her stop liking you. She can't help her emotions. She seems to hangout with you all the time. If you want her to get over you and her crush is over bearing then maybe you should slowly distance yourself.

[Moontiger]

You are a safe person for her to crush on. If she has experienced abuse, that will majorly effect how she sees the world and relationships. The fact that nothing can every happen with you makes you the perfect target for her emotions. You can never hurt her in the way she has been hurt in the past.

 

I think you were completely out of line for reading her diary. Not cool. As long as she continues to act normal to you I would just let this go.

[Iakasot]

Let me know if I misunderstand, but do you consider his friend being a pathological liar normal? She betrayed his trust by lying, he betrayed his trust by reading her diary. They're even, IMO. If anything she did more to betray their friendship than he did.

You are a safe person for her to crush on. If she has experienced abuse, that will majorly effect how she sees the world and relationships. The fact that nothing can every happen with you makes you the perfect target for her emotions. You can never hurt her in the way she has been hurt in the past.

 

I think you were completely out of line for reading her diary. Not cool. As long as she continues to act normal to you I would just let this go.

[Moontiger]

Let me know if I misunderstand, but do you consider his friend being a pathological liar normal? She betrayed his trust by lying, he betrayed his trust by reading her diary. They're even, IMO. If anything she did more to betray their friendship than he did.

 

So eye for an eye? *** for tat? That's a friendship by your definition? You know what? There is no law or moral code that states one friend is required to tell another friend EVERY little thing. You know what there is a law and moral codes against? Invasion of privacy. He did something that violated her in away she never even come close to doing to him.

[Iakasot]

Actually, friendship is traditionally about equal trades. Equal trades of good is how friendships start, equal trades of bad is how they end. This looks like an example of an ending friendship. I don't think there's many people who wouldn't peek in someone's diary given the chance if they know no one will find out? Besides, there's no real privacy anymore, for example there's companies collecting information about everyone's online behavior, and selling it to other companies (such as insurance companies) to create a risk assessment profile for them. Lies hurt a lot more, at least from my experience, than invasion of privacy does. Your experience might be different, perhaps you've been in OP friend's situation with the kinds of things you said to people, that's why you're defending her so adamantly? Like I said, the age of privacy is pretty much over. In a few decades there's gonna be technology that reads everyone's thoughts and communicates them to everyone else.

So eye for an eye? *** for tat? That's a friendship by your definition? You know what? There is no law or moral code that states one friend is required to tell another friend EVERY little thing. You know what there is a law and moral codes against? Invasion of privacy. He did something that violated her in away she never even come close to doing to him.

[Moontiger]

So, you have never lied to a friend, you think that having ANY secrets from a friend means that friendship is over, yet you have no problem with invading someone's privacy?

And revenge to "even the score" is acceptable? Nothing about that definition sounds like friendship to me. I would think if you had any respect for a person you would respect their privacy and boundaries (as she did by not continuing to go after him, but instead keeping it to herself).

 

I think you just have a lot of issues with woman (based on your other threads) and you will take the side of a the male in just about any situation.

[abitbroken]

If she has a crush on you, I think it is best for you to spend less time with her or break off this friendship for now. Friendship doesn't work when there is attraction, even if it is one sided. The defense isn't "i'm gay so its her problem if she likes me." It is just like any other two people where one is unobtainable or unavailable. If you want to be a good friend, you should encourage her to talk to a counselor about the abuse issues or if she won't even encourage her that a female friend would be able to relate to her better or give her the better support that she would need. If you do not do this, she will continue to fixate. She could also use you as something unobtainable to prove that she is even more worthless/unworthy of a relationship.

 

I know you don't want to stop being her friend, but this situation isn't healthy for her right now. Maybe there is at least a way to stop doing things she considers boyfriendly.

 

No matter if you are gay or straight, you are still a man and she is still a woman and she finds you attractive and it is up to you to set the boundary lines here if she is not seeing clearly. "remember, I'm gay" doesn't work any better than "remember, I'm married/your school teacher/in jail/fill in the blank," from another guy when someone is obsessed.

[IcecreamLove]

Honestly that has been what I have been doing lately since she was at the beach with her family. I just trying to spend more time being okay with just being by myself and putting a bit of distance between us. I mean we're really close friends, she lives 5 minutes away from methat is why I was house sitting for her family. I bake her family cakes, I go to their occasional dinner parties or cook outs, I'm friends with her parents on Facebook, she will sometimes have lunch with me at work, bring me candy to work, we buy each other things a lot. . . but we need to be apart.

 

When she does hit on me, I call her out on it and tell her it makes me uncomfortable or it's not going to happen. So now everytime she wants to say something like, how good I look, she asks, "Promise not to get mad if I tell you this?" FIRST.

 

She also always complains about me not trusting her and not telling her any of MY secrets (which, I don't really have any) but to me friendship isn't "let's tell eachother as much secrets as possible and you have to promise not to tell." I read to her from from a journal I had in highschool before. The last time she brought up being abused and confused I told her to take her mother's advice on seeing a counselor. And like I said I confided in my brother about the situation he told me to just "listen" to her because she probably doesn't want my advice she just wants someone to pay attention to her which I've been waiting to use the next time it comes up.

[agent1607307371]

Gay or straight, it's nearly impossible to maintain a friendship with someone who wants more. Especially when they won't respect your boundaries.

 

Yes you are close, but some distance sounds like it's needed for your own mental health. And speaking to you is not a substitude for the kind of help she really needs.