How often should an adult child call mother?

[aprilflowers]

I know I sound whine-y. Just looking for reality check...I am #60 plus, she is #30 plus and single, only child, living in another state. Now get a call once a week, sometimes a text or two. Used to be much more. I think the larger issue is that I fear she's steadily growing more distant. I mentioned it ONCE, ad she got pretty defensive, so I have left the subject alone.

[Seraphim]

I do not think there is a set amount of times an adult child calls home. It depends on the person and the relationship they have with their parent. For instance I call my mother daily. I call my dad a few times a year. My husband calls home sometimes once a week or every few weeks. His sister talks to her parents daily and stays with them 3 times a week even though she has her own home. My mom and my brother talk weekly.

 

It is all up to the people involved though. Is it that you miss your daughter?

[OptomisticGirl]

I call my mom every other day but usually text her once a day.

[FathomFear]

Egad. I contact my parents maybe once every 3-6 months? I know every family is different, though.

[poetryandlyrics]

I agree with Victoria, it really depends on the dynamics within the relationship. For example, my dad and I? We rarely talk, and I prefer it that way. My mom and I? It varies if she's being unhealthy that I need to distant myself a bit for a while or something but I do talk to her, keep in touch. I miss her the most. She gave me a lot of emotional needs that I didn't get from dad growing up so I will keep in touch - she really did try her best. It just depends on her mental health if it gets too much for me. So it could be once every 3 months or weekly.

 

If you miss your daughter, can you just tell her that but leave it open. Like a "I miss you." without adding "I miss how we used to be" or "can we talk more?" may leave her on the defense.

[itsallgrand]

I call my mom on average one a week. However my bro calls her less often. And they are closer. So go figure. It's based on what works for us and also, I like having the 'control' of knowing when we are going to talk as opposed to her calling randomly. She expects more contact from me, and more from me in general, based on my being the 'daughter'. So the once a week chat, though nice and I like it, is also partly damage control.

 

Do you think you might expect quite a bit from her, extra cause she is an only child and a girl? I don't know why...mothers seem to often expect a lot from their daughters.

[petite]

Definitely depends on the relationship. I talk to my mother everyday, if I can't stop by I ring just to say Hi and see how she is, my father and I text, but he's usually the one to call me every day (daddy's girl LOL) unless he was with my mother and I spoke to them together.

 

I think it also depends on where the parent lives, some people spend an hour talking to their parents on the phone. I don't unless I am away and at that point we go by me making phone contact because it's easier depending where I am, otherwise they can email me. Because my parents live just a couple mins away I prefer to 'talk' in person, so our daily phone chats aren't much more than regular how was you day stuff or some sort of necessity, and the real talk happens in person -- and I see them if not every day then every second day or third. I like to have a coffee or tea with them at least 2-3 nights a week just for an hour or so and catch up. It's important to my mother and me because she can fall ill at any time, and I'd regret not making the time.

[Moontiger]

Egad. I contact my parents maybe once every 3-6 months? I know every family is different, though.

 

Same for me.

[SamiJayne]

My husband, my Son and I go to his parents house every weekend for food etc (they live 15 mins walk away... I know! )

He rings them during the week, if he needs to talk to his Dad about work, or wants a lift as I need the car.

I however, never ring my Mother. Haven't spoken to her in a year. She's dramaific. Never bothered to meet my son, was awful to us when our daughter died. And never asked about my son, only talks about herself. So with that and everything else she has done, I gave up. My Son deserves better =)

 

Have you thought about ringing her? Maybe reach out yourself for a quick chat?

[becomingkate]

I call my mum a few times a year but drive out to see her twice a month. (She doesn't like the phone anymore...she's almost 84)

[aprilflowers]

These are all very helpful replies. Thank you.

 

My daughter is going through a lot right now with her own relationships and career, and hoping to get married. A friend advised to "back off and pray for her" which I am now doing. I do not call or text unless she does first, which is hard, and I am not sure it's the right think to do. I am also trying to control very negative thoughts that say 'she's gonna cut you out of her life." I am hoping for the best.

[Seraphim]

Just tell her you love her and you would love to hear from here when she has the time.

[Nidania]

Mom - usually once a week, sometimes a little less. Though, those phone conversations go on for a couple hours.

 

Dad - once or twice per month, and then only if I am talking to Mom. Dad and I just are not all that close, and he is not a very emotional person. Usually we end up talking about practical things like money, work, the house, the car... but it works for us.

[Weeb]

My mother lives 30 minutes away and I see her or call her maybe once a month, if that.

 

Your daughter probably got defensive because you are putting pressure for more frequent conversations when she has a lot of other things going on. My mother has complained before and I dropped to even less frequent contact.

[Gracelove]

Awww, sometimes I think, around that age, people want to feel independent. If you used to talk everyday and that changed, it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't miss talking to you frequently. It may just mean she's trying to see how she can manage on her own.

 

I think most children realize that at some point their parents won't be around anymore. Maybe your daughter is just exploring how well she is able to manage with less support. Just go with it.

 

Honestly, when there is an only child, parents are hyper-involved in their lives. It's difficult for a child to find their own identity when their parents are so involved.

 

She just needs a little space to spread her wings.

 

I'm sure she loves you just as much as always.

[FYI]

I think she may be the type to really like her space. I think it's a good idea to keep in contact much more frequently with the parents, but I don't know the whole story. Sometimes there are reasons why people only call once a month or once every six months.

[abitbroken]

Calling once a week and catching up is great. I would continue to call her once a week if she doesn't and even just leave a message hoping she has a good day. When you talk, don't grill her. Just say you wanted to say hi. I think its unrealistic to talk every day unless you have that kind of relationship. Nothing would be new. Also, the long distance bills if any. She is not "distant" calling once a week. She has merely grown up. You can't force this.

[Doc Blaze]

my parents literally live 5 mins away..i go over their house on fridays for dinner but usually i text my dad every other day,..about sports,cars etc and my mom she usually calls once a week..she worries a lot because ive been stressed out with some much work lately and the break up with my ex and the fact that i live by myself right now...i try to pick up her phone calls cause i know she gets worried and just hearing my voice lets her sleep better