Self Esteem

[Aktrez]

When I was in high school... I was bulemic.

When I was in College, I was a vegetarian....

When I was in college, I danced for an hour + every day (theatrical conservatory)

When I graduated, I became an over eater....

When I got my new boyfriend, I went on Atkins....

When I was depressed about my diet, I went to weight watchers.

When my boyfriend and I broke up recently, I went down to size 7. (Lost about 15lbs... from not eating.)

 

Now, we are back together... and I have gained it all back... I am an actress and a pageant contestant... and my weight is a SEVERE issue for me. I'm not fat by any means.. but, I'm very very unhappy with where I am. I know where I want to be.. and I can never seem together there in a healthy manner.

 

I work out every day for at LEAST 30 min. I am now on a low calorie diet (under 900 calories a day, under 60 carbs per day) and I feel as though I am STILL gaining weight! My nutritionist put me on this diet.. and I"m just so miserable.

 

I don't know what to do... I can't talk to my boyfriend about it, because he doesn't understand... I hate my body.. everytime I see my reflection, I get depressed. I don't want to be physical with him, because when he touches my fat, I cower... I have been to a therapist, it didn't help. The only thing that will work is to get to where I want.. but how!?!

 

HELP PLEASE>!?!?!?!

[Scout]

First, you are always going to suffer from low self-esteem if your opinion of yourself is based primarily on how you look.

 

It wouldn't matter if you got down to a size zero - it will never be perfect enough. That is the trap of basing how we feel on how we look.

 

To be honest, as long as you are in the pageant circuit, I don't see how you can escape being so focused on your looks. That's what pageants are about - how you look. Sure, there's a talent segment...but most pageant contestants pretty much have the same figure.

 

900 calories a day is a terribly irresponsible diet for a professional nutritionist to advise. It is not enough to provide you with the energy and nutrients you need. Working out for 30 minutes a day...I'm not sure if that's enough exercise, or in the right increments. Most trainers recommend working out every other day, so your body has in-between days to recover. They recommend that you do thirty minutes of cardio a day, then work out every other day. The cardio can be bike riding, jogging, aerobics, etc.

 

The better/more productively you exercise, the easier it is to maintain your ideal weight. You can eat normally, and still lose fat, while gaining muscle.

 

The skeletal look is just completely not "in". It seems to me most guys appreciate a girl with curves, and not a stick thin figure.

 

If I were you, I'd make a superhuman effort to stop being so obsessed with your looks. For one thing, it means you're pretty self-focused. There are other things going on in the world...like starving people who would kill to be able to eat properly. Perhaps you should take some of your focus off pageants and volunteer with a service organization of some sort. Think more about how you can offer other parts of yourself - like your time, compassion, intelligence, enthusiasm - rather than depending primarily on your looks to make an impression.

[hazlcha]

Pardon this expression I'll use, but here it is: A watched pot never boils. As Scout says, if you focus on your weight, you'll never be satisfied, even if the rest of the whole world is. I have a friend who is also an actress. She has a beautiful face, and an even more beautiful personality. The one thing I could fault her on is her weight, or, to be more precise, the lack of it. She simply looks malnurished, and as a guy I can promise you that that is not attractive (to me).

 

Could it be that your eating habits have so much more to do with your mind than your body? You wrote that you gained weight when the boyfriend was there, lost it when he wasn't, and so forth. Maybe you could focus more on your acting skills, and on building up the spiritual parts of your life. Why take it all out on your body? Enjoy who you are.

 

And yes, eat regular healthy meals, exercise regularly, and your body will find the right weight and be happy. Just forget about it, as best you can, and focus on the rest of your life and the world.

[DBL]

Wow, wait til you get older...you think you have problems with your body now....

 

How much protein are you taking in? You never mentioned that, but research has shown that a lack of protein can cause some depression. Also this may be true of low carb intake, I will have to recheck that though.

 

I understand somewhat of what your going through. I work out consistantly, and people comment on my body, but yet I don't feel I am where I am suppose to be. I use this to keep me motivated. Some days i wake up and I feel I am not as big or as cut as I was the day before....so I tend to adjust my diet and either increase or decrease my workouts. My suggestion is not to get too uptight about it and try to use it as motivation to work harder.

 

Maybe if you put your diet on up here, we can take a look at it. Not that I don't trust a nutrionalist, but you never know, things change consistantly and diets that we know today such as Atkins and Weight Watchers have their drawbacks. There are a lot of myths today in the fitness industry.

 

As for the skinny women...nothing like dating women I can toss around a bit.

 

DBL

[Scout]

As for the skinny women...nothing like dating women I can toss around a bit.

 

I thought you work out...aren't you strong enough to toss around women who aren't skinny?

[ayekasong]

I read somewhere that if you eat less than 1200 calories a day, your body goes into starvation mode, and that makes you store more fat. I find it odd that a nutritionist would put you on a diet that is less than 900 calories per day... I can't imagine you are getting the nutrients your body needs with that little to eat.

 

I was in the theater industry for a little while, so I know your pain. Weight is such a big issue. I agree with Scout, it's pretty difficult to see you getting over this while you are still in the pageant industry. It focuses so much on how you look, it must be so damaging to your self-esteem.

[avman]

The other posters are right. 900 calories a day is completely irresponsible of a nutritionist. Your body will react very badly to a diet like that and you will suffer very badly as you go into starvation mode.

 

Eat a little more, and exercise more. You'll look a lot healthier and you'll feel fantastic. Having more energy will do a lot more for your self-esteem than losing another 5 pounds will.

[DBL]

Sure I can toss not so skinny girls around, but if they get throw too far...I might hear something POP! They call me "hook" now. Just kidding.

 

I'm also very fragile, a bigger woman can hurt me.

 

DBL

[Aktrez]

" For one thing, it means you're pretty self-focused. There are other things going on in the world...like starving people who would kill to be able to eat properly. Perhaps you should take some of your focus off pageants and volunteer with a service organization of some sort. Think more about how you can offer other parts of yourself - like your time, compassion, intelligence, enthusiasm - rather than depending primarily on your looks to make an impression."

 

I volunteer, a lot.. not to mention, I run my own pageant system focused on Talent and interview. Not looks. So, no, I will not be leaving the pageant industry anytime soon. I suppose maybe it is the way I worded my cry for help, but I am by NO means a self centered person.. And it's never about making an impression. ALl of my friends and family tell me I look beautiful. The girls at my office all say that I"m the one they all want to look like. It's being happy with ME. Not worrying what others think. My pageants.. well...It is who I am... as well as my acting. Not all pageants are set on looks. ONly the ones you HEAR about. our media has a way of doing that actually.

 

In regard to my working out.. I suppose I didn't make myself clear... I do cardio for at LEAST 30 min. every day. weights, I do in muscle groups every other day. So, yes... I do that.

 

I guess I don't know what I really want from posting here. I think this has always been my problem with these boards. I feel an urgency to get things off my chest because they build up, then I feel like I have to defend the way I feel. Problem is, nothing that anyone says to me has ever truly helped. I know that is not comforting.. and believe me.. it HAS been superhuman strength... I mean.. seriously.. I have TRIED not to be so troubled by it (troubled... NOT obsessed). The problem is.. I am just reminded of it every day. And yet, I dont' feel that I should have to quit something that I love doing because of it. Want to help the disease, not cure the symptoms

[chai714]

900 calories a day is completely irresponsible of a nutritionist

 

I'm not certain I agree with this. For someone trying to lose weight, I think it's a fair amount of calories.

 

As for Aktrez, you've got to look at the positive steps she has taken. This is someone who has a problem - not with her weight, but with herself. This is an internal battle she is fighting here. She went to a nutritionist to help herself, much like an alcoholic goes to A.A. meetings. She SHOULD be commended for taking a step forward.

 

Guys and Gals, it's important we look at the positives, especially when dealing with people who have REAL struggles in life.

[hazlcha]

Anybody read Viktor Frankl? His approach to "mental health" is all about having a sense of meaning, of purpose. If that's there, a lot of all the other pieces fall into place. Problem is, it's part of our culture to focus more on "feeling good" and "removing tension" rather than on realizing that some tension is necessary. The tension that comes from a sense of purpose, that motivates us to go out and do, make changes, dream dreams. Focusing on "feeling good" simply does not work, because what's important is not HOW we are, but WHO we are. That comes from WHAT we wish to accomplish in life, and in the next year, month, day.

 

So what I believe is that when we feel that strong sense of purpose, we feel good about ourselves. It's a result, not a cause.

[avman]

Hmmm, well I had my wife review the calorie issue (she is a dietitian) and she agrees that 900 calories is far too little. Its just not safe to crash and try and lose weight that fast. Your body will rebel against you and can even affect your mood.

 

Maybe thats why Aktrez is feeling down, its hard for me to say. And not being on the pageant circuit I can't comment on what they make you do for those. All I can tell you is that 900 calories isn't healthy.

 

I'm glad you are already working out. Thats great. Maybe its just a case of resetting expectations. Of just accepting the way things are and not trying to be a perfectionist.

[Aktrez]

I have recently been told that I do not thank enough, and that I am too selfish. I'm sorry if I do not show my appreication for the things that everyone says. That is not my intent. I am just in a place, mentally, that I can't find an answer! I keep looking, but, no one seems to have it for me. I post here, hoping that someone.. anyone, will be able to give me an answer to my dilema.

 

I wish I didn't feel the way I did about things.. and I wish that I could just turn off this horrible self esteem issue. But, my brain is so stubborn! I event went to see a shrink about it. I had to stop going because I just couldn't do what she asked me to do.

 

I am sorry if I come accross rude or unthankful. That, again, is not my intent. I just get very frustrated and emotional that I have to live my life with this feeling of inadequecy. And, yes, my profession does have SOMETHING to do with it.. but honestly, my profession is something that I enjoy with all my heart. I would not be me if I didn't do waht I do, so, stepping down, or out of it.. is not a choice for me. It would be like asking me to stop breathing air!

 

So, here I am, 20lbs heavier than I want to be... not knowing what to do... I am beginning to have bulemic thoughts again and I am petrified I'm going to go down that path once more. Please, give your advice. I will do my best to take it in and process it. If I disagree with it, please do not take it personally. I ask a LOT of people for advice, and I tend to get a lot of the same answers.

 

Thank you all for your help! Although I may not type it enough, it's much appreciated.

[avman]

You need to realize that it will take time to lose this weight. A healthy weight loss is only 1-2 lbs per week. So that means it will take you 10-20 weeks to lose 20 lbs. Yes it can be done faster, but you probably won't keep it off.

 

Find a diet plan that you can stick to. Not a fad diet. Not 500 calories. But a healthy, sensible diet. You said you are already exercising, so you've got that part covered.

 

And then the worst part, wait. If you eat right and exercise you will eventually lose the weight. Be patient. Take comfort in the fact that you know you are doing the right thing. And then let nature take its course.

[Aktrez]

THank you for your post Av. I am trying to be patient, the problem is, I don't HAVE time. I feel like there is always SOMETHING I have to be preparing for.. Auditions, shows.. you know? How do you find the time to be patient?

[avman]

I think you just need to do a little readjusting of your expectations. You say you don't HAVE time. Well lets look at that in a realistic way.

 

What will happen to you if you don't lose 20 pounds by the time of the next pageant? You know what will happen? Nothing. The world will not end. Your career will not be over. Life as you know it will go on. Well, that doesn't sound so bad now does it?

 

Now the beauty of this is, if you are always preparing for another pageant, there will always be another show where you'll look 1-2 lbs thinner. Right? So why does it have to be in time for the NEXT show? If you are on the right track, and folowing a healthy plan, then just stay the course. Each show that you do will go better and better. Its a constant state of improvement.

 

Being patient isn't about time management. Its about your frame of mind. Your expectations of yourself are just way out of whack. You need to be reasonable about your goals and expectations given the reality of things and the simple laws of biology. If you fight reality, you will become angry and frustrated. If you accept reality, then you are at peace with things as you know in your heart and mind that you are following the right course.

 

For example, I want a million dollars. Now if I decide I want a million dollars tomorrow, I will become angry and bitter that I can't have it. The odds are totally against me. So I'll be upset. No matter what I try, I just fail.

 

Lets say instead I decide that I want to have a million dollars in 20 years. So I set up a plan and I invest money regularly over the next 20 years. I have a reasonable goal, and so I can constantly see progress against that goal. I am at peace because I know that as long as I follow my plan, I can have what I want.

 

Its the same million dollars. But by being patient, I actually get it. By being impatient, I don't.

 

Do you see the difference? Weight loss is very similar. And so are many other things in life. If you set your goal in a reasonable fashion, and you follow your plan, then you CAN have what you want.

[YNP8112]

I am a dietetic nutrition major about ready to graduate and I also agree that 900 kcal a day is way too little. Your body will go into starvation mode and try not to use too much energy. Another thing.....how much do you weigh now? You should compare your body weight to the standard values using BMI (body mass index). This will give you a guideline as to if you are within a healthy weight for your height compared to other individuals. You should also not worry about your weight so much. I know this can be hard. Maybe you should think about your percent body fat. If you are under 10-12 percent for females this could be very dangerous. If you would like me to calculate your TEE (total energy expenditure) i can, this will tell you how many calories you truly need and I would say its closer to 2000 kcal than 900 kcal. I know this is truly a hard situation and I am glad you are looking for support from others. You will get through this.

[Aktrez]

Ok, here is a little about my body.

 

I am approx 140lbs (Was down to about 128 during the break up)

I am 5'5"

My RMR is 1240

Fat Percent is about 24%.

 

I do cardio between 30 min - 1 hour a day. (I had a KICK BUTT Jazzersize class last night that was an hour long. Going back again Thurs.)

I try to keep my caloric intake under 1200grams per day now. (Raised it a bit)

 

This morning, I had a low carb smoothie (70 calories, 3 carbs) and a cup of green tea. For snack (around 10am) I will eat an apple. Lunch, I plan on eating a salad. Afternoon snack (around 3 pm) A pear.. and dinner ... not sure yet!

 

AV, the reason I say I feel like I'm pressed for time is because I am now 25 years old. I only have a year left to compete in many pageants that I compete in. And you see, this has been a life long dream of mine. I don't want to die knowing that I didn't go for this. I am still kicking myself that I only competed in a year of the MIss America system. And I have since aged out of that. But, I am NO WHERE near where I need to be to even be competitive.

 

If I had more time, I would feel a little calmer and not as stressed out. You also have to understand that this has been an ongoing issue since I was in high school. So, I guess I feel like I should be where I need to be by now! You know? I feel like so much of my life has been wasted because of my weight. I'm not at ALL fat. And I know that. The problem is, in our society, the entertainment industry focuses on that 1% of perfect people out there.

 

True story: My very first audition in NYC, I went up for the role of Maureen in Rent. I got a call back! I was so excited... I came in.. I sang again. And the lady said to me (Her EXACT words) "Wow.. you sound wonderful! But, you are about 30 pounds too fat for this part. Go home, lose the weight, and try back in a few months". You have to imagine what that did to a young teenager from Maine. Just out of college, was always told I was gonna be a star! It was devistating! And it really messed me up.

 

Again, I thank you all for your help. I know I am very hard headed. I am truly taking your advice seriously. I hope that someday it will sink in. Keep giving it! I really do appreciate it.

[d346]

Aktrez,

 

I don't know much about the acting/pageant circuit -but from what I've seen from these pageants these days, the girls aren't stick-skinny.

 

I really don't think you should be so down on your body. You sound very healthy, and according to your boyfriend and other friends at work, you sound very attractive. Listen to them! Enjoy their compliments. I love to be complimented! As a 27 year old, I've seen ALOT of my friends blow up after college (For real...we're talking beyond the point of no return...) Perhaps you'd be more happy if you took the compliments to heart, and worked on maintaining your figure (maybe slowly losing a bit) rather than crash dieting. No one is ever really happy when they do extreme diets. They think I've given this and that up, but I've only lost... It doesn't seem worth it.

 

As for the role of Maureen...I haven't seen Rent, but aren't the characters all starving because they're poor and sick with AIDS? That doesn't sound like a body image you should strive for!

 

I lost a lot of weight when my boyfriend and I broke up as well. I couldn't eat ANYTHING. I had to force myself to eat yogurt, and could only nibble on dry cereal for weeks. Basically, I looked terrible. Unfortunately my chest was the first to go! After the fact, my friends said I looked terrible!

 

Curves are good! Love them! They're sexy. Bones are not.

[avman]

d346 has some excellent points!

 

Just to add to that. It sounds to me like your life long dream is to COMPETE in the pageant. And you can still do that! Once again - expectations. If your expectation is to win - and you won't be happy unless you do - then you are setting yourself up to fail. If your expectation is to compete, and do the best you can - then you actually SUCCEED!

 

You can't go back in time. So don't spend your time kicking yourself for something you can't change anyway. Love yourself for who you are. If you are confident and happy with yourself, it will show.

[Aktrez]

ha ha.. my chest was the first to go too D. Although, over all I looked GREAT!

 

Even besides my pageants.. this is something I need to do for me. I"m not stick thin, and I don't want to be stick thin. I think a lot of people have a misunderstood opinion of the pageant world. Take this years Miss America for example:

image removed

 

She is not stick thin. She actually just looks healthy. This is the look that I want.

 

This is a semi-recent picture of me. Taken on September 26th

[i]link removed[/i]!*0TQkQYD0BYKm*Ppm5YgQbAko3OPKgKwuNR3DagaZMA1MA/P1010121.JPG

 

See, I don't have far to go!! I know I don't. It's just getting over that last hump.. and getting where I want/need to be (Need to be for my own sanity! )

[Aktrez]

Having a rough day today... This diet doesn't feel like it's working and I'm really starting to slip. I am so close to falling into old habits. Need some advice.. someone to talk to!! Thanks.

[avman]

How long have you been on the diet? Patience - remember? And tell me its not 900 calories. I might have to scold you if it is

[chai714]

Aktrez - Sorry to hear about your rough day. I know you probably won't take this recommendation, but I am a huge advocate of a meal replacement beverage such as Ensure. They only have 250 Calories, and in general are healthy. 3 of those a day would only be 750 calories, and they could compliment a very light meal. So, drink some water, then drink an ensure . . by this time, you'll be pretty full. This could suppress your appetite before you actually put any food in your mouth. .. .just a suggestion.

[Aktrez]

It's not that I"m hungry... I'm not hungry.. I'm forcing myself to eat. Diet has been 2 weeks now.. but I am just having SUCH a hard time with patience... I'm going in the OPPOSITE direction from where I want to be going.

 

I excersize for an hour every day... I'm on about 1200 calories.. no bread or rice. But, I am eating veggies and fruits. I eat an apple EVERY morning... and lots of salad and veggies.

 

I just feel like I've lost control of my weight loss.. you know??