If he loved me then wouldn't he propose?

[Cluedo]

I've been living with my boyfriend for over 3 months but we've been dating for 4 years. I come from another country and am currently staying in his country on a work visa. This visa only allows me to stay for a short amount of time and it would be awesome to become a permanent resident.

 

My boyfriend and I seem to get on really well and we have a lot of fun together, he has even mentioned to me that he would be really sad and lonely if I were to leave and go back home. We both know he has the option of helping me stay and that is...by getting married. He has joked about the idea of marriage in the past but never been serious, he also gets a bit weird and quiet if I ever bring the topic up.

 

I feel like if he really loved me than wouldn't he want to propose and allow me to stay? I know we both care very much for each other and really enjoy our company.

[sodizzy]

Marriage is not a light subject for many people. And he's probably smart enough to know that getting married just so that you can stay is a terrible idea. It's a terrible idea. Marriage is supposed to be forever. He wants to make sure you're the right one for long term. Don't push him to marry you so that you can stay. If it's meant to be - he'll know it and he'll propose. You've only lived together 3 months! I'm assuming before that - it was long distance. That's not enough time to know if you want to spend forever with someone. Give it time.

[mhowe]

You have been dating for 4 yrs while living in 2 different countries? And you have lived together for 4 months?

 

Getting married so that someone can stay in the country is a short term solution to a lifetime issue.

 

It is way to early to think that marriage is the solution to the problem.

[Pinnacle]

If you loved him couldn't you wait until he was ready? Besides, I'm sure you don't want the reason of your wedding to be because there was a deadline and I was about to be kicked out of the country.

[superfan]

I get where you are coming from. My husband and I met while I was on vacation in Scotland. We got to know each other online over the course of a year before he came to visit me. We started dating after that and visited each other back and forth (with about 6 months on average in between visits) before I decided to go to Uni in Scotland and live with him.

 

When I moved in with him, we had spent probably a total of 20 days in each other's presence. The rest of our interaction was online and we got told that our relationship wasn't "real", that we didn't know what a "real relationship was" and that our living together was going to fail big time.

 

After the year was over, I faced going back to Canada and we talked options. He had decided to come live in Canada, so we were going to apply for a permanent resident VISA and one of the options was that we would get married so that he could apply as a spouse. We hadn't lived together for a full 12 months so we couldn't apply as common law, and the conjugal partner option was iffy at best.

 

We had already decided that we would get married someday...but had it not been for immigration issues, that 'someday' might have been years and years down the line.

 

In the end, we got married 4 months after I left the country in order to expedite the process. It sounds terrible, but we had already *made* that forever commitment to one another and it just made practical sense to get married so that our application would be accepted. They sped up the process for us and his application went through in the span of about 4 months (which is REALLY fast).

 

For those who claim it is ALWAYS a bad idea, my husband and I are coming up on our 3rd wedding anniversary and 5 years as a couple. I have never been happier and our relationship is as "real" as anybody else's.

 

While I think that getting married JUST for immigration purposes is a BAD idea, getting married to someone you genuinely care about and plan to spend your life with in order to speed up immigration so you can be together is different.

 

You said you brought it up and he didn't seem as keen...my advice would be to sit down and talk to him about WHY he is reluctant to get married. Is it because he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage? Is it because he is nervous about the cost? Don't come at it in an aggressive way (like "if you truly loved me you would marry me") but rather, try to find out the root of the anxiety.

 

How old are you? Is it because he isn't ready yet? Sit down with him and simply say to him "You and I both know I will have to go home soon. I don't want to pressure you into anything you aren't ready for, but I would like to know whether it is because it's too soon, or if there is another reason. Can we have an open and honest talk about this?"

 

I think if you find you don't issue any ultimatums he might be more willing to communicate with you. You might find he doesn't want to get married...and then you might need to look at other options such as - do you really want to move somewhere for someone who doesn't want that type of commitment yet? If so, how else can you do that without going the marriage route?

 

It's not necessarily a reflection of how much he cares if he doesn't want to do it. My husband wasn't 100% keen on getting married so quickly, simply because he never really saw the purpose in marriage to begin with. He doesn't regret it, but neither did he feel it necessary barring the legal and immigration reasons.

[ToF]

Statistically speaking, the likelihood of him proposing is only going to decrease from here on out. After 7 years, your chances will hit about zero.

 

If marriage is your priority, you should tell him. Don't give him an ultimatum. Just tell him that your goal is to get married, and ask if he's thought about it yet.

 

Consider WHY you want to get married, though. And why HIM? Or is it just so you can become a permanent resident? I would consider these before bringing the subject of marriage to the table.

[Cluedo]

I love him a lot and I just know he is the right one for me. It's nothing to do with me wanting to become a citizen, if I wasn't seeing him than I probably would go back home to my country. I have this idealistic view in my head I guess of how I want him and I to be...I just think we make a really good couple.

[Ms Darcy]

How does he feel about getting married to you?

[silly55]

If he loved you he would wanted you to stay. More so, you’re 4 years together and you lived together for 4 months and had fun, which is quite enough to see that you can get along.

It’s not good to rush into marriage but this doesn’t seem like it. Why don’t you propose and save yourself another few years traveling back and forth? What could be stopping him, any problems you know of? Have you at least thought of the future of your long distance relationship, where would you live?

[itsallgrand]

Maybe he doesn't like the idea that you want to get married for a chance to stay in his country.

 

I think that is so crappy of you to even hint at the idea that "if you loved me....", you'd do what I want and marry me so I can stay? What does that have to do with love? Nothing. It has to do with you wanting to stay in the country.

 

Sorry but that is how I see it.

 

How about, if you love him so much, you find a way to become a citizen on your own first and then consider marriage if the two of you still want that. At least that way, he'd know you aren't marrying him for a way in.

[quirky]

You mentioned in your other thread that you guys don't have much sex..won't that bother you if you have this problem forever? Cos it's very possible it won't change. Maybe you're subconsciously looking for reassurance and maybe it's all a bit too much for him atm.