My partner broke up with me because i'm an alcoholic. (An alcoholics side)

[FranklinSock]

I feel so lost and alone right now. I haven't drank since she broke up with me and i've been to an AA meeting. At first she just needed some time alone but suddenly made the decision to end it completely instead. It's been a harsh realisation for me that i've lost someone i love so much because of my actions and only my actions. None of the blame can go to her because she was always there waiting for me but she couldn't wait any longer.

 

We were engaged and no one ever thought we would break up, we were seen as a sort of "power couple" around here. Over the last 12 months i slowly dug myself into more and more of a rut and i didn't realise what i was doing to this woman and how much i was hurting her. We had a big big conversation yesterday for hours and i never realised how truly lonely she was. I worked nightshifts 3 days a week and she worked days so she would just sit at home alone waiting for me, but when i got home we would talk for 5 minutes and i would get straight into the bottle. She tried telling me so many times and i never listened, i took her love for granted and i'm so pissed off at myself.

 

Ive begged her, i've cried, ive poured my alcohol down the sink, ive been to the doctors and an AA meeting (which i will continue to go to) but all she can say is she thinks its wonderful i'm finally helping myself but ive damaged her heart too much to trust me again. I don't know what to do, i'm so entirely lost without this woman. In the last 4 days i haven't eaten, i haven't slept, i havent stopped crying, ive been vomiting (god knows what as i havent eaten anything). It hurts me so much knowing that i brought this upon myself and that ive disappointed her so much that she hardly wants to talk to me.

 

I've told her that this can be the start of a new relationship for us, one when i'm sober and we can get to know each other as people again like if we were first dating, ive asked her to look at it like a new beginning instead of an end and she says she just cant do it. I've come to a harsh realisation about the sort of person i was when i was drinking and i am confident in never wanting to touch a drop of it again.

 

If there's anyone else here who is an alcoholic, take a look at yourself and your relationship and how you are treating your partner. Take a good long hard look at yourself and wonder how much you want to damage their hearts and damage yours when the inevitable break up happens.

 

All i can do is stay sober for myself and for my family and hope to god that in a few months my ex might want to reconnect with me if she sees how serious i am and that my promises are true.

[Moontiger]

First, kudos for getting help. That is awesome, please continue to do so.

 

The truth is, there is not amount of begging, talking etc that will bring her back. At this point you just have to work on yourself. If the two of you are meant to be she will come back in her own good time. More importantly, before you can BE with someone you have to know how to BE alone.

 

Please keep coming back to ENA.

[-Sanguine-]

I read the title of your post and felt like I had to say something. I really commend you for going to AA meetings and really trying to quit. That's a great start to a long journey. I feel like I have seen both sides of this story and I hope I don't ramble on too much..

 

My dad was an alcoholic since I was a little girl. He passed away when I was 12 because of his drinking. He just couldn't get it under control. It is a disease and it takes a lot to overcome it - so know that you are strong and that what you are doing is the right thing.

 

My first serious boyfriend developed a drinking problem about a year and a half into our relationship. I can 100% relate to your ex girlfriend. He worked away for weeks at a time, then he would come home for a week and talk to me for 5 minutes (as you said) and then hit the bottle. He would disappear at all hours of the night without telling me where he was going, then return home drunk out of his mind and angry at the world. I lived like that for a few months, but I started calling into work sick often and just couldn't handle the emotional stress anymore. We broke up. He wanted me back less than a month later but I wouldn't - COULDN'T do it to myself. Then again, he did not stop drinking. Since him, I have serious problems with guys who drink. I get insecure and anxious and it is very difficult sometimes, but I am working on it.

 

I just feel like I can relate to you and your ex girlfriend. I know it is hard and you feel alone and like you've messed everything up - but you haven't, you are on the road to recovery and things can only get better from here. I know you are going to hope that she will come back to you (and maybe she will, no one will know what the future holds), however I sincerely hope you will do this for yourself because at the end of the day, if you come out of this and are a better man because of it, you will have a good life and future ahead of you whether or not she comes back to you. I cannot blame her for leaving you because the stress that it puts on a relationship is unbearable. But I also know the struggles my dad went through and I love him no matter what.

 

Good luck and know that someone is rooting for you!!

[mines]

It's a huge step, that you've reached out for help. AA is a great place to be (it works if you work it!)

 

My best friend is an alcoholic (refuses to get help) and my dad was an alcoholic (it contributed to his death at age 60)

 

Relationships with alcoholics are very difficult. I was in a live-in relationship with an alcoholic when I was in my late 20's. We were together 3 years. He tried rehab many times, eventually things worked out for him, he found a solid relationship and has remained in recovery.

 

My opinion only (and it's not worth much) you should focus on your being in recovery, going to meetings, finding a good sponsor, and let time help you get over this relationship. When you are steady on your feet, feeling healthy, fully in recovery, you can be open to meeting someone new. Or, once you're in recovery for a longer period....maybe she'll consider reconciliation.

 

Bottom line, it's time to put yourself first. Keep posting here, reaching out is a good thing. (hug) I wish you the very best!!!!!

[ClarityCoast]

This exact same thing happened to me and my Ex.

After I left, he went on a COMPLETE bender...then joined AA.

In our case, he seemed to expect that because he stopped drinking...I would come back.

The truth is, alcoholism affects BOTH people...DEEPLY.

It took many months for me to join Al-Anon, one of the best decisions I've ever made.

All I want to share here is that TIME and CONSISTENCY are your greatest assets.

 

Because only after at LEAST a year of sobriety with CONSISTENT emotional health and maturity...would I ever consider going back. She may feel the same.

I also know that *I* need at LEAST a year of my OWN recovery, in Al Anon. She may need the same.

 

You love her very much - that is clear - and many wonderful things can grow from that.

[FranklinSock]

Thankyou all for your very kind replies and your sides of being with alcoholics and for the advice.

 

It's extremely hard for me losing this life i've had with her, i haven't just lost my fiancee but i now have to move out of my house as i can't afford the rent + bills by myself and move back in with my parents. I could live with friends but all my friends drink but my parents don't so that's the safest place to be. Also if i did stay here even if i could afford it, it's too risky when i can just walk two minutes down the road to the bottle shop and no one would know.

 

Being my age and moving back in with my parents is very strange for me, i never thought i would be back, but i need to be in a safe environment. I also need company, this last week and a half i have been so alone just sitting in my house with no one to talk to as all my friends, i'm starting to realise, were just people who i drank with and that's it. My parents can be a support system. I rang them last night to tell them exactly why my fiancee left me and i admitted my problem to them and they are very understanding and supportive.

 

This is going to be a long hard road that i can only take for myself which is what i want to do. I owe it to myself to recover for the love i've lost and the things i've done. I could have been a lot more then what i am now but the drinking consumed me.

 

I'm a mess typing this, because there's so much i've thought about that i wish i could change. I should have realised she was growing apart from me and feeling lonely and not handling it anymore. We were on two weeks of annual leave together at the start of this month and we had all these plans to go out and do things, have date nights and spend time together and i spent the entire two weeks drunk. The only thing we did together was go out with *my* friends so *I* could drink and the only reason she came was to make me happy.

 

This drink has ruined something with someone who honestly adored me and loved me with her whole being and her whole self. She was supportive, kind, caring, and absolutely stunning. We had our little fights and she had her annoying habits and she definitely wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for me and when i wasn't drinking we complimented each others personalities very well.

 

I'm rambling on like an idiot because the more i type the more i'm seeing things and realising so much about the last few months. Things that i wish i could change, things that i wish i did, i wish i had gotten out of my rut. I stopped cooking (my hobby) and she would always buy little cooking accessories for the kitchen and say "maybe you could think of a recipe to use with this", she would say "lets go for a walk or a bike ride", "lets go to the movies" and i always said no, because i was hungover or wanted to started drinking. I'm starting to see how much she has been trying for so long to get me out and about and to help me be who i used to be and i'm just feeling so selfish, angry and so disappointed at myself for not seeing these things sooner.

 

I gotta stop typing before this turns into a novel!

[unanimous123]

Hello OP,

I agree with all of the posters here. Awareness and attending an AA meeting are the first step to a recovery. Look at the bright side of things. At least there is AA to where you live. If you read my posts, you can tell that I am in your ex girlfriend's shoes and completely understand what she's going through. She loves you, I bet with her attempt to distract you from your drinking that could help you in the long run, but we know alcoholism can't be cured just like that and sometimes, people just get tired trying. Anyway, yes, work on improving yourself. Do so with actions and words. It might help if you eat healthy foods and exercise moderately too, in addition to AA. In my country, there's no other option but that. Nevertheless, I know you're getting there, it just takes time. Keep your chin up, man! We're here for you. Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

You need at least one year of sobriety before considering a relationship - at least that is the advice from AA. I agree with it. Good luck.

[f1r3f1y3]

You might be surprised how many people move back in with their parents during sticky patches in their lives. I certainly have. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

 

As part of your overall therapy, look in to doing a course of CBT with a therapist. One of the great things about CBT is that it works quickly, you learn from the therapist the tools you need, rather than a potentially infinite number of traditional therapy sessions.

 

Also your GP may be able prescribe you something that reduces the addiction cravings.

 

Start reading too, there are plenty of books from people with real experience of keeping this disease at bay.

 

Become an expert in alcoholism. Attack from multiple angles.

 

Good luck!

[FranklinSock]

Quick update, when i posted this we weren't on talking terms anymore and had no contact with each other until Sunday night. Over the last 6 days we've done a lot of talking, we've grabbed coffee together and we have hung out as friends. She's happy with my progress so far (it hasn't been long but i am taking the steps needed, like changing my routine, not hanging out with friends that drink etc).

 

She is slowly letting me back into her life, not as a couple again yet, but she has said she is willing to see where things go over the next few months, she's moved all her stuff out of my house (i've decided to continue living here) but we are going to try to "date" to rediscover ourselves and our relationship without alcohol involved.

 

I've noticed a few good changes in myself from not drinking which i've been loving. My house is cleaner/tidier, i do the dishes every night, clothes are getting looser, when someone asks me if i want to hangout i can actually do it and not be hungover etc. This has all been a massive wake up call. I know that there will be times that i struggle, where i'm going to be angry and almost relapse but i'm confident in being able to stay strong enough. My motto is the typical AA motto "Instead of saying i will never drink again, say today i will not touch alcohol".

[iamkaylee]

OP congratulations on taking those first huge steps.

Please take it one day at a time, one step at the time. Addiction is a lifelong struggle but you can win it.

Keep talking, keep your support system close and it will help.

Above all, forgive yourself.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Ms Darcy]

Good luck. But if things do not work out with her, don't fall back.

[nbr]

Thankyou all for your very kind replies and your sides of being with alcoholics and for the advice.

 

...

 

I gotta stop typing before this turns into a novel!

I have family members that are alcoholics. I've been to AA meetings as a guest.

Work with your sponsor, stay clean and sober, if you feel a lapse coming call your sponsor, PM me or anyone else here.

You, my friend, can do this. The hardest part is behind you, admitting to yourself that you have a problem, accepting that, and seeing what it has cost (and will cost) you to continue the old ways.

We are strangers, but I am proud of you, and will happily read any novel you care to post

-nbr

[Antimatter]

I know how you feel OP. I'm going through it too. My fiance is an alcoholic and knows it but will not get help for it or her many psychological problems. it's caused me weeks of hurt and pain with the way she treated me when she was drunk. She didn't trust me and whenever I left alone, it was in her head that I went to go shoot drugs. That never happened, but she didn't and wont believe me. She has blasted me on FB and ruined my relationships with friends by telling them that I was a junkie who made her believe I was in love with her just because of her money. I never cared about the money. I only cared and loved her and her son. I had a family. And she knew how happy she made me and how happy I was being with her. But with all the **** in her head, mixed in with lies people want to spit out of their mouths, she believes it and there's nothing I can do to change her mind. She has humiliated me in front of my friends at the diner. Accused me of sneaking out and cheating on her and went so low to concoct a story where a cab left her with creepy people in a ****ty motel. She did realize what she did one day, but she couldn't stop thinking about what I did. or what she 'thinks' i did. It never happened. She blames me for something that I did but in reality, it was her just being crazy. She has trust issues. something that I can't fix. I never gave her a reason not to trust me, yet I trusted that she would never throw me away. Look where I am now. 28 and living in a nasty apartment with my drug addict mother who feeds me negative words all day long and makes me feel guilty that I wasn't there for her. I loved this girl with all of my heart, and all she thinks was that I saw dollar signs. I don't use people. If I did, I would be honest with them and make them buy me **** that I didn't need. She offered. She did it out of love for me. I didn't force her. I never asked her for money. And if I did, it wouldn't be a lot, just a few dollars to get through the day. She ripped my heart out and I'm a mess as well. Love is hard on the body physically. I cant eat, sleep and wake up in tears because as much as I should hate her right now for putting me through this, I care about her and love her with all of my heart. Would I take her back when this psuedo happiness that she has for her wears off? I don't know. I do know that I will give her a mouthful and tell her that she ****ed up the most wonderful thing and guy in the world. Everyone has their flaws. I have mine as well. And I ****ed up too. and she took it out on me like I beat her and cheated on her and treated her like dirt when all I was to the girl was what she deserved. To be loved. to be shown she is amazing and beautiful and worth everything to me. I found my other half. And if it takes her however long it takes her to realize that just because I was in a slump and had to rely on her financially, didn't mean I was using her. I was ACTIVELY in school. ACTIVELY looking for work. My area has NO jobs unless I wanna flip burgers. but if she's "happy" with a new man, let her be. karma will be knocking at her door and she will get hurt if not beaten again because that's the type of guys she goes for. Controlling ****heads who hit women. The hypocritical thing is, she controlled ME. How does that work. I gotta stop, or else, this will be a novel like my last post. It's too long and no one wants to read it...sucks to be me....

[FadesMaster]

So this is going to be a very long thread so please bare with me. Here's my situation. Me and my girlfriend was invited to one of her friends birthday dinner with a couple of her other friends. I started off with a water everyone was ordering drinks so then I decided to start with a beer deciding I deserve it since I worked hard all week well that 1 beer turned into 8 mixed drinks and 2 shots and I completely lost all control. Throughout the dinner I was telling my girlfriend at the time how much I love her that I was trying to be a better man for her one that she deserves that I wanted to marry her some day well when all that alcohol hit me I started to accuse her that she was cheating and trying to get her friends boyfriends attention which I know wasn't true but the way the alcohol messes with you sucks. I ended up calling her a s*** and a w****and even went to the extreme of breaking her windshield wiper switch on her which I don't remember doing. She ended up blocking my number and left me at the restaurant with no money. I had just spent everything I had as contribution to the bill. I ended up getting a ride to her place which I had a key to her new house she just bought. Supposedly I was yelling at her telling her how much I hate her, I shut off her hot water and ripped up her dogs bed which I don't remember. I woke up the next day to see all my stuff at the door telling me to take all my things and leave her key. I got a gut wrenching feeling and did so. I pleaded and begged through text saying ill change and swore will never drink again she responds I'm never going to change I don't know how to control myself she's going her seperate way to let her be. After reading that I immediately made an appointment with a therapist that specializes in substance abuse, anger management, and relationships. I forwarded her the email with the scheduled appointment with a copy of the link of the therapist and me saying I hope this will show you. I bought flowers and put money to compensate for the damages. She tells me to never come to her house again. I spent hundreds of dollars on how to get your ex back programs and all are telling to give her time and then after that time to slowly work my way back to her. It's killing me because I love her deeply, we talked about marriage and sometimes kids. I recently texted her 2 days after telling her that I accepted her to leave which I don't because I don't want to lose her 2 and a half years is a long time I texted her this morning with :

Me-Can I ask you a serious question(name)

Her-What's that

Me-How can you move on from us. It seems your doing it so easily

Her-I'm not at all doing it easily. Every day is hard. I just know my worth. And I won't go back to what I went thru being in a relationship with you. It's not how I deserve to be treated.

Me-I know your worth as well but I also know that my downfall is and trust me when I tell you I'm doing everything in my power to be someone who you deserve and someone who you want again.

Don't you remember how good it felt to have you in my arms

Would you like to grab lunch today? It's been so long since we seen each other

Her-Well I Gotta be honest, I'm not thinking like that. You don't just change overnight. I need to just take care of me, be happy and peaceful. I hope u get better for you.

I don't think lunch is a good idea.

Me-I'm not just saying it's going to be an overnight process. Losing you has made me realize who I want to be for you.I don't want to lose you. I miss you so much. I'm changing for the love I have for you so that we can be together

Give me a chance to show you in time

Her-Not now. Sorry. I need to go my own way.

Me-What does that mean?

Her-That means no. I don't want to be contacted. I'm going my own way. I wish you the best.

Me-I love you with all my heart

And I will always fight for you

Just to let you know I haven't had a drop since then.

We had problems prior with my drinking but I thought she was being a typical girlfriend nagging. This has defiantly opened my eyes to my serious problem. My birthday falls on Aug 27th and hoping she contacts me. If she doesn't Itll be devastating because I then know it'll be completely over.im looking in attending AA and i even thought of sending her the coins from AA through the mail hoping she would see. I paid for a trip to Riviera Maya as her birthday gift and hoping to go with her My questions are

Can my relationship be salvaged with time?

How can I show her that I changed for the best?.any opinions would be great.i know I screwed up and I know I can be that man that she deserves