Let this one go, or hang on for a bit longer?

[hidden_kitten]

I have been dating a guy since last November. We are both in our early twenties. He lives an hour away by car but works in my town twice a week. His does a lot of overtime at his other job in his own town. This has made it quite difficult to schedule time together but he's had some time off recently so we managed to have a weekend away, also spent a few days/nights in a row at each other's houses (we both still live at home with parents for now). I have offered to come down to his hometown more often to save his time on the road. I don't have a car and it's a two-hour bus ride but I really don't mind doing that for him if it meant seeing him for longer. Even his mum jokingly said to me last time "you should visit more often, don't wait until he says it's ok". However he's never really 'taken' to that idea and says he doesn't like the thought of me travelling for ages just to see him for an hour or so.

 

I see eight/nine months as a relatively short time for a relationship, especially considering our situation, so neither of us have said "I love you". I've really enjoyed seeing him more over the past couple of weeks and was hoping that the next step is making better plans to see/visit each other between shifts and possibly, by the end of the year, talk about moving in together. However on Wednesday night he texts me that he needs to talk about the relationship this weekend when he's back in my town. He says he expected us to have progressed much quicker than we have and that he's struggling to connect with me. I asked him to be more specific why he feels this way because I was really happy in the direction I thought we were going. He said he wanted his feelings to have grown quicker/deeper by now, we'd be spending more time with each other's family, looking to move in together. I'm shocked and sorry that he feels this way because spending on average two hours a week together, and not letting me come round in the first place means none of those things could have happened by now!

 

We texted back and forth a bit more and he contradicts things by saying that he's trusted me more than anyone he's ever trusted and I'm the first girl that he's really missed, with the distance and gaps between meeting up. His last ex cheated on him three times, and recently he found out that she's moved in with her new boyfriend of two months and got tattoos of his name so I think that's hit him hard as well. I'm really gutted if this means we have to break up, I feel so energised and positive around him, he's very down to earth but is very confident and friendly to everyone he meets. It could be that he just doesn't feel the way I do, in my past relationships the guy put me on a high pedestal but I liked this time around that we were trying to work as a team, or so I thought. He says he's not sure if his feelings will grow for me and he doesn't know whether to stay and see, and has loads of things to tell me in person this weekend. I'm just wondering if he dithers and decides to see if things develop after our talk if I should disagree and walk away? I'm going to feel so anxious around him now wondering how he really feels about me. Or, he's probably made the decision already....

[nutbrownhare]

My first impulse would be to relieve him of his agony and uncertainty - and leave him. However, I sense you're not ready for this, so...

 

Wait til you've had your 'talk'; and don't take too much stock of how he really feels about you. What you need to focus on is how YOU really feel about him. You've offered to spend more time with him, with you making the effort - and he declined. He's told you he'd hoped to have deeper feelings for you - and by implication, doesn't. He's sending you conflicting messages and is blaming you for the fact that things haven't developed in the way he would have liked - apparently.

 

He sounds very conflicted, and if you're not careful you will end up taking this upon yourself and feeling permanently insecure and uncertain. This will do nothing for your self esteem. And keeping you on tenterhooks by telling you he doesn't know whether to stay and see, and has loads of things to tell you... is just plain cruel. Along the lines of the lady who decided she was going to have her puppy's tail docked, but decided to do it a bit at a time 'so he had time to get used to it'.

[dasilver]

My first impulse would be to relieve him of his agony and uncertainty - and leave him. However, I sense you're not ready for this, so...QUOTE]

 

 

I agree with nutbrownhare on this 100%.

 

Your relationship could be saved and how you behave from here on is what could save it.

 

Like nutbrownhare said, it seems you are not ready to let him go....but you need to.

 

if you don't you will end up trying to persuade him, sob him, guilt him, maneuver him, cajole him and worst of all beg him to come back. In doing any of these things you will push him further and further out of your reach with absolutely no chance of getting back together.

 

So far you have handled yourself well....keep it that way.

 

Let him come to you...If you don't all hope will be lost and he may be gone for good.

[annie24]

i've been in a similar situation where a guy broke up with me because he thought that his feelings weren't where they should have been after dating for so long. hm. i don't know what you can really do. maybe best to beak up? ugh.

[hidden_kitten]

Along the lines of the lady who decided she was going to have her puppy's tail docked, but decided to do it a bit at a time 'so he had time to get used to it'.

 

Yup, he told me that he wanted to let me know before Sunday instead of 'springing' it on me then. I'd rather he waited, ah well.

 

Thanks everyone for your input. I'll see him tomorrow night and hear what he has to say, not getting my hopes up too high. I want to be with someone who's happy to be falling in love with me, haha. At the moment he seems to make out that i'm this massive inconvience to him. I've done all the rookie mistakes in previous breakups (probably recorded on here too lol) so know how to handle myself this time around if that's what it's coming to. On a superficial level, it just sucks cos he's quite a catch and I really liked this one! Live and learn then.

[nutbrownhare]

If your worst fears are confirmed, maintain your dignity and make sure, very sure that you say nothing that you wouldn't be prepared to repeat to someone you respect. I had a particularly nasty breakup just before Xmas, and one of the things which made it much easier to deal with in hindsight was the fact that I said absolutely nothing mean to him that I'd feel guilty about later, didn't do any big 'reject' numbers, and didn't grovel either.

 

And if someone's keeping you dangling and uncertain like this, they're not "quite a catch" - no matter how cool and suave a persona they assume in public.

[Harrowdown]

You seem self-assured. Listen to what he has to say and go with your gut from there.