I think he still loves his ex, and I'm so confused!

[kittykins]

Hi there,

I have a dilemma, I think my boyfriend is still in love with his ex. Some history, they dated for less than 1 year and split up 2-3 years ago. We met online and have been dating for a few months. He is a lovely person and treats me like a really well. But I recently started to have some concerns as he started talking about his ex very often and calling her by her pet name (i dismissed this at first as he uses pet names a lot). He would mention her when I said certain things, ans go "*** used to say that". This really annoyed me as I would never do that to him! Then when we were looking at underwear, and he told me that she "used to have one of those". I was appalled and so hurt by this. The final straw came when I was using his computer and saw he has a file of all his exes, her included with loads of pics of her, including dirty ones of her.

 

I confronted him last night and asked him why he talks about her using her pet name and why he told me about the underwear. I also said I had serious concerns about his behaviour, and asked whether this was something I should worry about. I said I wasn't going to fight for his attention or be second place, and that he has made her a threat to me. He was very sorry and said he didn't realize that he hurt me with his comments and that she is just his friend. He also agreed to delete the dirty pics of her. Now, the day after, I'm still feeling unsatisfied, unconvinced, and really hurt, despite the fact he comforted me and reassured me that he had no feelings for her.

 

Last week when I was on the computer with him he opened his private inbox on facebook, I saw he had messages from her. I couldn't see the date so I couldn't be sure whether they were old. I saw that one ended "Love youuuuuuuuuuu xxxxxxxxxxx" however! I mentioned in my confrontation last night that I do not tolerate over-affectionate messages behind my back either, without saying I'd seen the one from her. He went quiet then, so now I think he's been messaging her stupid soppy messages too! (She has been in a relationship for a year with someone else and has a baby, btw).

 

I also asked if he had been saving pics of her recently and adding them to his collection. He said he hasn't saved any since he's been with me and he hasn't added any in about a year He split up with her 2 1/2 years ago!! In response I told him he really shouldn't be doing it, as it's completely inappropriate and, to be honest, a bit weird! He said he was doing it just so he could look back on memories... these recent pics, in a folder called "recents" are all self shots she's put on her facebook... (i only realized this today). Also, I don't know whether to believe him on this because I'm sure the file said it was last modified in May 2012, the month he got together with me.

 

He maintained that he does not have feelings for her, and he is not the type to lie, so I'm now feeling very confused and hurt. He was genuinely sorry and said he wasn't thinking... but I'm still being eaten alive by doubts. He is a sentimental person, and this maybe something he just does. I know he has feelings for me and he makes that obvious...

 

I'm really not sure what to do. He wants to go out with me this weekend but I don't think I'll be able to not talk about it again. Can I trust him? Or is he seriously still hung up on her? How can I move on from this, or is that not possible? So many questions! What do you recommend as a next course of action??

 

Thank you in advance!

Sorry this was so long!

[tattoobunnie]

You said your peace, now give him some time to readjust. Before I got with my hubby became friends for a short while after not seeing eachother for 15 years. We discussed info on his previous relationships, encouraging him to date people in his area, and while he spilled all the beans of his romantic life and everything else, he was stuck on me like white on rice. He still had this married ex who totally used him still trying to contact him every once in a while. A few months ago, she tried several times. But my hubby doesn't keep many pictures of his exes. And he doesn't care for speaking to the ex. But it has happened. I don't find her a threat, even though she tries to be all something-something. I just find her pathetic, and a cheat as she does this behind her husband's back. Sometimes I laugh thinking that one day I will reply to her aol chat with, why don't you give me your husband's phone number, so I can inappropriately call him every week. Ha!

 

Anyway, you said it once. Just let it all play out, and don't let it get to you.

 

Stay awesome, and this girl will be just a chump trying =get cheap thrills, and doing so with no success.

[AurorasKiss]

Sometimes guys don't have that filter in their brain that tells them things that are inappropriate. I dated a guy that was like this. After he and I broke up years later we became friendly again. I learned that he had been doing this to his girlfriend. Mentioning me at any given moment so of course she hated me. I tried telling him not to mention our relationship or things that reminded him of me to her but he still did it accidentally. He has no desire to be anything more than just friends with me. He is over me but the things he would say made her think otherwise which made her run for the hills. I can't tell you if this is the case with your boyfriend. You've told him how you feel, ride it out for now. If things continue and you feel suspicious then maybe you will need to rethink your situation.

[awoods]

AAAAhhh! This is pretty dang similar to my situation in the beginning of my current relationship. I just hope you don't endure the mental anguish I feel, and get out now while it's still early. (Okay, that was a rash decision, and I take it back.)I will say that it is possible to move on, but that's pending on whether or not trust continues to be built up without eroding away due to more offenses along the same lines. You just gotta know when to call it quits, and, for your sake, put your own needs first. Wow, this is a lot easier saying, than doing....

[SpottiOtti]

With respect, OP, if you've only been dating since May of this year, you do not know if he is "the type to lie".

 

However, the other side of that is that if you've only been dating since May, you are not yet involved enough for him to have gotten rid of all his past relationship stuff. So now that you've let him in on the fact that keeping mementos for his digital memory box doesn't fly with you, give it a breather and see how he handles it.

 

In response to your question of what your next course of action should be, I would recommend not seeing him until you get a clear head about this. Explain if need be - "I'm sorry, I was just really thrown by what I saw and I need to process. I will call you next week."

[LoveHurts89]

You got together May 2012? This is too much drama 8 weeks in ...