How to get ex to stop being afraid of recon?

[Pleasedonot5]

 

Updated:

 

Please read above for the full story. Thanks.

 

So, I've come to realize that my ex girfriend still loves me, has feelings for me, thinks I was way better than her rebound, thinks that there's no other guy out there like me, knows that I want to get back together with her, etc.

 

But, the things she was saying when we talked got to me a little bit. I feel like I got mixed messages.

 

She said things towards the end of our talk like,

 

"I want to get back together, but I just can't."

 

"If it's meant to be it's meant to be."

 

"I don't want to keep you waiting, it could be 2 weeks, 2 months, etc."

 

"If you ever wake up one morning and you don't feel anything, text me and tell me you moved on. I'll do the same."

 

"I want us to move on, and then see if it happens again naturally."

 

Even though she said she misses us, and she showed obvious signs of intimacy and affection towards me.

________________________

 

She's afraid of colleges next year (we're about to be seniors), even though we could make it work because we wouldn't be more than an hour away from each other. She's afraid that we'll meet new people and have separate lives. I think she's afraid that it will happen again and that she doesn't want to put us both through the same hurt that the break-up caused -- even though there was so much more involved in the break-up than just meeting new people. It feels like she's forcing herself not to love me anymore, and I just don't understand it. It just seems like she's afraid of what would happen, and I cannot control her fears. She's kinda shy (with confrontations) so I don't know if she'd ever initiate a recon conversation, but she would show affection if she felt it. So, even though we're in a 2+ month period of NC for the summer, I don't know what to do when school starts, because we may see each other every day. I love her and want to get back with her.

 

What to do, what to do?

[kts]

Same boat friend. It sucks. Today for instance I've been upset and crying all morning and can't decide what to do with myself. But we want them to come to the conclusion that they want to be with us on their own. There's no special formula and we can't convince them. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you had to convince them to be with you?

 

It sucks so much and it hurts like hell! Private message me anytime and we can vent. Just take it day by day...let me know if you figure something out. Best of luck! Chin up!!

[EgoJoe]

She is banging someone else and keeping you on the backburner in such a way that she can blame you no matter what because she is delusional.

[camus154]

She is banging someone else and keeping you on the backburner in such a way that she can blame you no matter what because she is delusional.

 

Agreed.

 

You're getting ready to go off to college? To different colleges? There's no way it would work anyway, and why on earth would you want it to? You have a new life ahead of you. The best advice I can give you is this--don't waste your college years being tied down in a relationship.

[Pleasedonot5]

Same boat friend. It sucks. Today for instance I've been upset and crying all morning and can't decide what to do with myself. But we want them to come to the conclusion that they want to be with us on their own. There's no special formula and we can't convince them. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you had to convince them to be with you?

 

It sucks so much and it hurts like hell! Private message me anytime and we can vent. Just take it day by day...let me know if you figure something out. Best of luck! Chin up!!

 

I'll have to hit you up on that. I don't know. It just seems to me that she's afraid that it will happen again. I know she has feelings for me, and that she's hurt and upset. I know I wouldn't want to convince her of anything, but it's like the feelings/compatibility are already there, and the only thing left for it to work would be for her to get over her "fear of commitment" due to this college thing.

 

She is banging someone else and keeping you on the backburner in such a way that she can blame you no matter what because she is delusional.

 

She really isn't.

 

I'm not the kind of guy who is all into partying and being single, hooking up with chicks, etc. While it's fun and don't get me wrong, I prefer being in a relationship / "tied down." We would only be living in a close area -- not more than an hour away. I forgot to add that she's no longer with her rebound and she admitted that he was just a rebound and that I was better than him anyways.

 

I linked the full story above for more clarity.

[camus154]

I can absolutely promise you you will not be with this girl in 4 years' time. Better to forget about her now and not waste your youth on being "tied down". Whatever you might think about preferring to be in a relationship rather than partying now, you'll regret such a decision when you get older and have some real relationships under your belt.

[DeviousOne]

Yes she misses you until she gets back with you and remembers why she didnt want to be with you. Its a vicious circle been there done it move on because I only have one rule in life NEWER is better....LOL but seriously

 

Shes always going to love you and same on your end but if it didnt work and she has to think about it there is something holder her back and im sure you've felt that same feeling. If LATER down the road way down the road when your both over each other and have grown maybe then you could be together but right now its not going to work and your just going to hurt each other

[Pleasedonot5]

camus154,

 

With all due respect, you don't really know who I am. Yes, I am young, but I have several long-term relationships under my belt. Not that this means anything, but there's never been a girl that I've fallen this hard for. Even though I've been broken up with before, I've never had dreams or thoughts like this before. They're incessant and they have tormented me for over a month now. My heart is truly broken and not like the long-term relationships I've had before when I was only hurt by the pain of rejection. This is the pain of longing for someone that I'm in love with. This is true, unconditional love.

 

It's crazy, I know, to feel this strongly for someone when I'm young. It's probably crazy for her too. All I know is in my entire life I've never had someone make me so happy. I've never been in love except for with this girl, even though I've been in long-term relationships and involved with other girls before her. I love her even for her flaws and her mistakes. I just love her and the person she is. I don't want the potential for this feeling to come back again to slip away. Trust me when I say that I just want her and don't really care about this whole college experience thing, because I'll be focused on my studies and athletics too much to be too involved with drunken partying. Yeah, it's fun being single, but I've had more fun and happiness since she walked into my life as my girlfriend.

 

Sorry to be all soppy and lovey-dovey >.>

 

Devious, yeah I know why we broke up, but that's because of stress and temporary issues with ourselves that have been dealt with. We were so happy with each other until maybe the last few weeks. There really isn't any fundamental problem in our relationship, but I think she's just scared to commit again.

[camus154]

camus154,

Even though I've been broken up with before, I've never had dreams or thoughts like this before. They're incessant and they have tormented me for over a month now. My heart is truly broken and not like the long-term relationships I've had before when I was only hurt by the pain of rejection. This is the pain of longing for someone that I'm in love with. This is true, unconditional love.

 

I'm going to share a story with you.

 

When I was your age, I was in love too. I dated the same gal all throughout high school. I thought we were soul mates. I thought we would always be together. We were each other's firsts for everything.

 

Our senior year, she broke up with me and I was absolutely devastated. Several months after the break up I heard about some party she went to, where she was in a hot tub with another guy, and I was devastated all over again. I couldn't fathom how this was real, how us being together may not be in the cards.

 

My heart ache knew no limits. I drove my friends crazy. I moved away to college and still struggled with the break up for that first semester. And then I met the next gal. And immediately got in a relationship with her. I wasn't one to date around either. I liked having a girlfriend. I liked being comfortable with someone. I dated her for a few years until that relationship ended. Incredibly, if you can believe this, I realized much later that she was a rebound of sorts and that I still compared her to my high school love.

 

I'm well into my 30s now. And I can still remember the sweet smell of sweat from my high school love on those summer nights we'd sneak out together. I can still remember the thrill of exploring her body. But I couldn't for the life of me tell you what we talked about on the phone into the early morning hours, what we dreamed and hoped for together, what really made her tick as a person and not just an object of lust and desire. And what I regret the most is not playing the field more back then instead of when I was older, taking girls and relationships far too seriously for my age and maturity level, and not simply focusing on me during what's rightfully your most selfish time period.

 

This is why I encourage you to go out and have fun. You're about ready to go through some of the most dynamic and challenging times of your life and adding a serious relationship into the mix will only complicate things further. Whatever you think you know about love, trust me on this....you don't know the half of it.

[Sportster2005]

"I want to get back together, but I just can't."

 

"If it's meant to be it's meant to be."

 

"I don't want to keep you waiting, it could be 2 weeks, 2 months, etc."

 

"If you ever wake up one morning and you don't feel anything, text me and tell me you moved on. I'll do the same."

 

"I want us to move on, and then see if it happens again naturally."

 

 

Sorry bro, these are just canned throwaway nonsense lines. Noise. Ignore what she says and pay attention to what she does. You can only know someone's intentions by what they do, not what they say. She's gone. Move on.

[Pleasedonot5]

Calus, thank you for your advice and experience. She wasn't my first everything, but based on how much this hurts she was probably my first love. I'm sorry if I sounded mean or snappy or whatnot -- I was really stressed at the time I wrote it. I am trying to recover from this by going into NC and focusing on having as much fun as possible. Mornings and nights are still really painful for me, despite my increased efforts to surround myself with people.

 

I realize that those lines really do sound bad, but those are the only details that I shared with you all. I left out all of the good and instead provided the quotes that confused me -- it's very difficult to describe her actions in a way that allows everyone to fully experience the intimacy of our walk and how happy she was to hear the improvements I made, how hurt and confused I can tell she is, and how she really does love me but is forcing herself not to because of fear. Sport, that's why I'm confused, she acts like she really does love me (I can go into further detail if you want) but then confuses me with some of those lines. She has a very difficult time getting her thoughts accross, however I've come to the conclusion that she loves me but doesn't want to, which is weird and bewilders me. I think she does it out of fear, but hey I'm no anthropologist/psychologist.