I'm back, and better than ever...except for one little thing

[auburnslp]

Hi all, it's been a while. I have spent the last couple of months going through the whole true healing process. I has been 3 full months of absolutely no contact...for those who don't remember, or weren't around, my ex of 3 years left me to reconcile with her ex husband. Anyway, she was what I thought to be the love of my life, I even asked her to marry me. And it all ended in an instant...anyway, took a while, but now I am good-dating again, casually, several people, still looking for the one who will thrill me again. Am back running, hitting the weights, and I am playing roller hockey in a league down here again (I turn 38 today, and play with a bunch of 20-something year olds, and I actually do very well!) I look and feel great. Have let go completely, and with hindsight and reflection, have finally realized what Hockeyboy said in his recent post-that I gave my all, and got comparatively little in return, and that is just not right. So, as much as I loved her, I decided to totally let go, and life goes on...

 

Now, as I said, it's been 3 months of total NC. This week my son emailed her son, asking if he could come over today to play. They emailed back and forth a couple times, and the plansweren't working out, so I got an email from my ex asking me to call her to try to work something else out. I don't want to call, so I didn't. I have even passed her in the car, this past month, once slowly in a parking lot, and she waves, and I don't. I'll admit, there is some anger there over it all, how she did it all, and most likely, I will always not really like her for what she did to me. Anyway, I emailed back, telling her alternate plans-that was my first contact at all with her for 3 months...I also said I would prefer is she just dropped her son off in my driveway and picked him up the same way. This was her reply on Wednesday...

 

Michael,

I have reservations about sending him on without even discussing the arrangements with you. It seems it would be somewhat necessary to be on speaking terms as far as caring for eachother's children; I am uncomfortable with him being with someone who is unable to speak with me. If we cannot even manage that, then we are really not contributing much to facilitating their friendship; it is really quite difficult in fact. If that is the case with you, we can just stick with our Saturday plans for Sean and Seth and confirm it with Beth. It would actually be nice to say hello to you, at the very least...

jill

 

 

The plans on Saturday deal with Sean going over there, and Beth is my ex-wife, and my boys are with her this weekend. Now, notice the last line. I would love opinions. Here are my thoughts...either: 1. There is nothing really to this at all. Maybe she is upset that I don't even wave-maybe that hurts her and she would like to take away whatever guilt she feels over how she treated me by having me be friendly to her again. Or, 2. Maybe her planned reconciliation with her ex-husband is not going as well as she hoped and she would at least like me to be in her back-pocket, just in case...it was like that for a while after our initial break-up. Or, 3. Her planned reconciliation is falling through and she is having thoughts of wanting me back.

 

I just don't know what to think. This has brought back some doubts and pain for me, because I still love her, I guess in a way I always will. Have even dreamed of her again the past two nights, and that had stopped about a month ago. Bottom line though? I really don't want her back...she has turned into this religious fundamentalist Jesus-freak-and while I am religious, this just won't do for me. She treated me SO poorly at many times in our three years together...I deserve better than that. So, here was my reply to her email...

 

Understood. Your choice-of course in emergency situations or complications I would not have reservations in speaking with you. But, again, I understand, so I guess you and Beth can take it from here. I will do my best to explain it to Sean...

No offense, but I really have no desire to say hello to you. No one has ever hurt me as you have, and I am still healing, after all this time. And every step forward that I have taken would all be wiped away by a friendly hello. We discovered quite quickly last time that it is not possible to be just friends,....and for me, maybe unfortunately, it is clear that being just friendly is not an option either. And honestly? Accountability is an issue here...having been treated as you treated me over that time, you really don't deserve my friendship or consideration...or even a veiled attempt at civility...

Sorry to get a little personal...believe me, I won't write again. Mike

 

Well, what do you all think? Too harsh? Appropriate? Please let me know. In any case, she is a proud woman, and in her mind, never wrong about anything. So, she will not write again. And neither will I. Unfortunately though, this is a minor set-back for me. I will get over it soon enough, but for right now, it's a little tough. Today is my first birthday without her in 3 years...and I know I will not hear from her. A week ago I wouldn't have even considered this...but today, slightly, I think about it.

 

This will pass quickly. The 90% of me who realizes that being without her is for the best will take care of it. The other 10%, the silly part of my heart that still loves her, causes me self-doubt, making me ask myself, maybe this was an attempt at reconciliation, and I completely ended any opportunity...but, it will pass...life does go on.

 

I wish the whole exchange had never happened, I was doing so well...

 

My best to all, and hopes and prayers too. Thanks to everyone who helped me through a hard time a while back, and thanks in advance to any who reply to this thread...Michael

[hockeyboy]

I dont think what you did or said was to harsh at all. You were merely protecting yourself, protecting your own heart. She hurt you badly and if by some slim chance you two were ever going to work things out, in my opinion the person who hurts the other needs to do a whole lot to try to make it up to them. I personally don't think my ex is capable of ever making it up to me...nor do i want her to and thats why i have been able to move on.

[me4ta]

Michael,

 

It's really hard to say what is going on in her life just by that small e-mail. I cannot tell you weather she's having problems with her ex or what, it really seems to me she was just trying to be civil with you in terms of the relationship of your kids.

 

However, I don't think what you've done, e-mail that is, is wrong. She was trying to reconcile, but I don't feel that she was trying to get together. I think that you being hurt so much by that woman and from your own words she sounds like a very selfish one. I think that for the most part the problem with people here on this site is that we all came accross selfish individuals who were always doing things on their own terms and on their own time. All of us here on the other hand were conciderate and giving. We and you and I have to be selfish for ones too. The thing is that being selfish is part of self preservation, and I'm not talking about obsene selfishness...I'm talking about thinking about what WE want and what makes US feel good.

 

If it makes you heal faster and you are not looking back at your ex and hoping to get together - don't talk to her, and actually if you still angry with her - that's fine, it's part of the process. She has her own problems to deal with here and for you, if it makes you feel better not talking to her and not saying hello - don't, but just don't tell your son bad things about her, it won't be fair.

[icme]

history of this aside (and I have read back most of the posts on here at some point in the midst of desperation, so I know yours!), and taking a very objective view of this, I can see where you are both coming from.

 

being civil or a friendly hello or whatever, are all well and good provided they don't ruin the rest of our day by giving us thoughts about that person all over again. so if this is how it would make you feel, you have to do what's right and best for you.

 

having said that, I do take her point about feeling slightly uncomfortable sending her kid round to your place, when you're not even on speaking terms. (not that there's anything sinister about it – I remember they were friends before you both got together, I think), but all the same, she has a valid point somewhere in there.

 

yes, you're email was a little bit on the harsh side, but it was honest and if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. you don't owe her anything and you don't have to pretend to be nice for her sake.

 

ultimately, I think this was definitely a courteousy call rather than an attempt to initiate contact with a view to getting back together. I think if you don't care that she can see you're not fully healed (in the sense of being able to be friendly to her now – not that one may ever get to this point when you've been treated badly) AND it has no detrimental affect on your son's happiness – then screw her. its fine.

 

however, if you're son is losing out as a result, doesn't get to see his friend as much etc, then maybe you should be civil for his sake, I'm sure you could probably manage it.. if you can take the occasional pain, who knows.. it might even show you that you really are over her and that that final 10% is actually taken care of. look at it like this, plenty of divorced fathers have to go through it with the mother of their kids after nasty divorces, maybe you can too. but like I say, if no one loses out as a result of you not having to speak to her, then maybe you don't have to bother full stop.

 

take care.

 

I do remember your posts, glad you're doing well.

[lost_puppy]

Hi Michael,

 

To me, the email you sent seems a tad harsh, BUT, I don't know the background of your situation and I tend to be an apologetic softie anyways ... so I'm sure there was nothing out of line with that email. It's good that you told her in no uncertain terms that you would like to maintain NC. I had to tell my ex that too (in a note taped to her door), and now that she knows that I need NC, it's been great for my healing process. Every communication, every time you hear about her or see her, will be a small setback, but it sounds like you're making great progress forward. You'll be back to where you were in no time at all.

 

And happy birthday!!

 

-LP

[Scout]

Ok, here's my two cents. No matter the circumstances of your break up, if you are willing for your children to play together, you should probably be able to manage at least some degree of civility with her. I felt her email was very mature and sensible, had nothing at all to do with your former relationship, but very correctly conveyed her concern about having her son play at your house, under your responsibility, if you can't even bring yourself to verbally confirm plans with her.

 

That's my opinion on this issue, not your relationship in general with her, which I know nothing about.

 

- Scout

[Scout]

Two more things...

 

a) I read icme's post after I posted. I think icme's post nailed it. Great feedback.

 

b) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Good for you for being so healthy, in shape, and obviously back on the road to recovery. Sure you'll have little "waves" from time to time, but you're gonna be alright. Again, have a terrific birthday!

[auburnslp]

thanks to all for the feedback...and I am admitting that almost all of it is right on. I guess what threw me was that her son had come to a Braves game with us on my son's birthday a month ago, and at the time, she was totally wanting no contact at all either, and so we didn't discuss anything, and I picked him up in her driveway and dropped him off there too, waiting just until I saw that he was inside safely. And now a month later, that is all different? She desired absolutely no contact then so that scenario was fine for her-in fact, when I pulled up she was outside with him and her daughter, and when she saw me coming, she hustled inside. But now, for some reason, it's all different.

 

I do understand her point of view, and it is ok-just different now, for some reason, and typically, with her, when things change like this, it is only to suit a personal need or desire. As far as our kids go? Unfortunate, definitely, but they have worked it out to be able to be together when my ex-wife has them-they will be together tomorrow in fact. I know it is selfish, I know...but it hurts, people, just the thought of her still hurts, and my healing has only come about because I have been able to totally and completely cut ties. Sorry to be selfish here, but it runs deeper than a desire to not see or hear from her-it is my emotional well-being, and after what I have gone through here over the last 4-5 months, that is very important to me...

 

Thank you very much for the input. My best...Michael

[auburnslp]

and for the birthday wishes...thank you both! And Scout, just curious...is that picture you, or is it Nico (Velvet Underground)...she was very cool. If it's you, I would say that you have a twin from the early 70's...Michael

[Carthiana]

Happy birthday.

 

And I think your letter was fine (I would have written the same thing). I'd rather be up front and blunt than try to candy-coat the truth. Pride, meet pride. You have pride in yourself, no reason you can't stick with it.

 

She's trying to get you to be nicer to her probably to make any guilt she might have a lot less.

[Scout]

And Scout, just curious...is that picture you, or is it Nico (Velvet Underground)...she was very cool. If it's you, I would say that you have a twin from the early 70's...Michael

 

WOW. Someone finally guessed who this is - Nico! Very cool.

[auburnslp]

well if you looked like Nico, and if I looked like Jim Morrison (unfortunately I don't ), we could have made quite a couple....granted, Colorado to Georgia is quite a haul...be well, sorry for blowing your cover Michael

[fantasia2004]

And Scout, just curious...is that picture you, or is it Nico (Velvet Underground)...she was very cool. If it's you, I would say that you have a twin from the early 70's...Michael

 

WOW. Someone finally guessed who this is - Nico! Very cool.

 

hard for me too ! to figure it out.

 

Anway Michael God bless on becoming the man you always wanted to become.

[Poca]

Michael, I'm curious -- how old are your son and hers?? And how are they experiencing the break-up and the current situation??

[Hopingpraying]

Michael,

 

I guess I am sorry to hear you are still having issues with your EX, but in some ways are happy to hear that you are getting better and moving on. Its a long road, but one we have no choice but to take.

As for your EX and her son, I don't feel your email was harsh at all and you must do in the short term to help you out in the long term. To some this might seem selfish, but I think it will be best for both of you in the long run. I believe if you do what you need to do now that in the future there is a very good chance that you and your EX will be able to be civil. It will just take time for both of your hearts to heal sufficently.

 

That is my take.

 

Take care.. and Happy b-lated birthday.