Dating again ? Online ?

[Dinocaz]

hello all, i'm 6 months post split. Horrible ride at times but bit by bit im getting there. Tried online dating a while back > fail. Not ready. Then went at it again to see what gives the past 3 weeks. Was sending out emails / those awfull winks and random hellos. Zero response. Checked my written profile, made a few edits was honest about me. Also noticed my picture was a few months out of date so one late saturday evening last week I took a few snaps. New ones. Since then interest has risen. Im not ready to date as such but last few days have made contact with a few people who are actually or seem NICE. It feels good.

 

One woman, lives 20 minutes from me, I dont find her attractive in a bodily way but she was really nice. We spoke, she is new to the city looking for friends. Told her im not looking for anything in the way of a R/s but friends sounds good. We are going to hook up for a drink coffee starbucks what ever. It made me aware of how isolated you can become. How self obsessed with your own recovery you can become, and that the world does truly keep on moving. We are meeting soon. No strings, no pressure, we speak quite a bit and a friendship is forming. It feels good.

 

Another woman, I do find attractive has been through her own hell, it is actually a shocking story. But she is strong, alert, well on her way to recovery. Weird thing is, becuase im attracted to her Im very very hesitant to meet her. Have not pushed it, dont want to. Why is this ? I should be jumping all over her, she is giving all the right signals and yet I hold back. Not ready to date again, its told me that much, but friendship surly thats safe and ok ? In general dating sites leave a bad taste in my mouth, becuase of what my ex did and how she used the dating sites for her own gain. Ahhh who knows. Random thoughts ....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The minute someone puts themself on a dating site, that means they are looking..and people who respond know that as well. Although you tell her you are only looking for friendship, I suspect she is hoping for more because that is what usually happens. You are really not being honest with her nor with yourself..dating site is not for friendships..if you were really looking for friendships you would be joining groups that are about meeting men and women and socializing, not dating sites. You may not be attracted to this woman but I suspect she may be attracted to you. Dating sites are for dating, and are really not meant for men and women who are still not over their break up and just need to feel good about themself by having others interested in them. Sadly, it seems that dating sites have become the venue for the broken-hearted seeking not relationships, but someone to distract them from their pain. Tread very carefully with the woman you are meeting..if you read lots of threads on this forum, a common theme is men and women getting burned when they chose to date a person who says they are trying to move on from and ex and are not ready for a relationship.

[Dinocaz]

Hi yes can understand what you are saying, but in this case I have made it clear 100% im not looking for anything other than friendship. And not all dating sites just cater for people wanting relationships. In my profile it states "looking for friendship nothing more" this woman is new to the city , knows hardly anyone, I am showing her around. But I am very aware NOT to insult or cause pain to a fellow human being.Its about being honest from the start.

[Moggs]

Crazyaboutdogs - you are very wise......... couldn't agree more, made that mistake... went on a dating site, thought i was ready... just ended up hurting a lot of people including myself..

 

Dinocaz, all the best... and good luck wit your new friend, just be careful, sounds like you are though... I would like to think you could just make friends through dating sites....

[OneSadPuppy]

Hey Dinocaz,

 

I sure get what you're trying to do, and as you know what thinking about the same thing myself.

I used to and ... still do refer to dating sights as "purgatory for the emotionally ill-prepared".

Funny, for once I'll fit right in there

 

I will advise this though, choose wisely.

Love happens ... sometimes (said through the voice of Forest Gump - you can apply the box of chocolates thing too).

This is one of the reasons I'm nervous about getting started.

If I meet someone I click with, I'll rebound. Personally, I still think of my ex all the time. Anything that starts now, the woman will receive emotion she hasn't yet earned or perhaps deserve.

The other problem are the rejections. There are usually some. I just don't want to deal with those yet.

 

I get wanting to do some light dating with a member of the opposite sex.

I love theater, but I won't attend alone or with a man. I'd love a harmless female friend to go to such events with.

Truth be told, I only have one female friend right now and she started to develop a crush on me. She's 15 years younger than I .... no no no way!

I suppose I have others, but they're in relationships or just pretty busy and I cannot count on them to have much time.

 

I agree with crazyaboutdogs here. The woman you're going to meet likely has ulterior motives. If you're an eight and she's a six (or something like that), she will hope!

 

I'll be watching others replies on this thread

 

OSP

[TriColors]

Crazyaboutdogs - you are very wise......... couldn't agree more, made that mistake... went on a dating site, thought i was ready... just ended up hurting a lot of people including myself..

 

 

^ This was me too. I only could bring myself to the point of getting numbers and texting, then I flaked bc I wasn't ready.

[Dinocaz]

Hi OnesadPup, I hear ya and had to laugh at "purgatory for the emotionally ill-prepared".... so true. I did a few dates a while back, total disasters on my part, but healthy in that they showed me I was no where near ready. Rejection is a risk, somthing none of us need more of at this point. But no gain without risk. But think about it, surly they are females who we can have plutonic friendship with, maybe my "new friend" does have alternate motives, im not leading her on. Told her straight, but some replys on this thread have made me stop a moment and think ? I dont really dont wanna cause anyone any upset Could not cope with that. We are meeting soon for a drink so I suppose I will find out then. Im not sure on the numbers score, I was more like a 1.5 start of this year lol, but I suppose being very much the cynic my own personal tastes on the phsyical front are not met with her. All though in the eye of those that look. To others she could be a 10, but not for me.

 

I agree you never need to do rebound, only misery and madness lies that way. You have to be ready and you will know. Testing the waters at some point may not be a bad idea ? If it dont feel right pull back for a while longer and try again at a later time and in between keep on with your own recovery. Someday it will all come right for me and certainly for You. )

[Dinocaz]

Crazyaboutdogs - you are very wise......... couldn't agree more, made that mistake... went on a dating site, thought i was ready... just ended up hurting a lot of people including myself..

 

Dinocaz, all the best... and good luck wit your new friend, just be careful, sounds like you are though... I would like to think you could just make friends through dating sites....

 

Yeah me too on the friends score, thats why I made it clear on my profile page. I could be way off on this one, but either way at some point I wanna get moving again, find Mzz right and put the past behind me. Funny though im not into seeex at all at this time. Low low labido, self esteem issues ? maybe doubt it, not as bad as it was ? just not high on my agenda right now. And maybe its the fact that I am not coming accross as desperate or wanting friends with benefits that im attracting attention. But yes got to be carfull on all counts. Interesting view points here. )

[Dinocaz]

^ This was me too. I only could bring myself to the point of getting numbers and texting, then I flaked bc I wasn't ready.

 

I understand this and maybe its where im at right now im not sure. Very inbetween, but if your not ready you know it. Save it for further down the line. )

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A dating site is for dating...people may put "friends only" but then why go on a dating site to meet only women? Can't you find friends only at meetup groups, social events...why not meet male friends to pal around with? As for her not knowing anyone...why did she go on a dating site to meet "friends" when she could have found meetup groups to meet men AND women to be friends with. People make all kinds of claims of going on dating sites..but really what they want is companionship of the opposite sex not for simple friendship. Kind of like married people going on dating sites claiming they are just curious and would never actually entertain meeting someone. Dating sites are meant to be to meet someone for a relationship, be it serious or casual..but certainly not for someone looking for a brother/sister kind of relationship. Would one go on a website designed for people who are looking for only casual encounters but yet they are really looking for a serious relationship? Would one go to Walmart in the hopes of finding top notch designer clothing? Would one go to a Chinese restaurant and expect to order lasagna? Why go to a dating site to look for platonic friendships?

[lostandhurt]

It isn't fair to go on a dating site and use other people to figure out yourself. They are there to meet somone to date and possibly get into a relationship with. Just because you put "Friends" in what you are looking for the fact that you are on a dating site not a meet up or social site means to them you want to date.

 

 

A great many women put friends on their profile but when you speak to them they admit they put that to take the pressure off them. If it says friends and the guy they meet isn't for them they are just friends but if the guy is all they wanted they go from wanting to be friends to much more. Kind of a chicken way of doing it if you ask me but that is what happens.

 

Don't lead this other girl on. Tell her that you very attracted to her but you are not ready to date right now. You might want to ask her if she would be willing to be friends but make it clear you understand she will keep looking for someone to be in a relationship with.

 

I have seen plenty of people go on dating sites to get and ego boost, test the waters when their own relationship isn't that good, and use it to get over someone else. Perhaps you should hide your profile until you are truly ready so no one gets hurt.

 

Lost

[pippy longstocking]

I was on a dating site as "friends only" and I really was ...

 

I turned up in the city I live in now for the third time and hooked up with an old friend who asked me

if I had done the online dating thing ...I hadn't ever in my life considered it and hadn't realised it was such big business.

 

she showed me her profile , but I wasnt interested ...then I saw that the site had a forum ....that was the mother ship calling

me home because I had at that point been banned off every forum I was on ...so I joined ..

 

3 days and I was banned for 98 years but thats besides the point

 

so I made another profile and spent many an evening chatting away ..no dating ..just friends ..I made it clear , and

that is all I wanted ...

 

a couple of the fella's have pointed out of late that life as a single parent can get a tadge lonely ...you are quite

literally sat in every single night ..now I woudnt change that in a million years , but it is nice when the small

people are in bed to have somewhere to go and to chat etc etc etc

 

maybe dino that sall you want right now ..a bit of company from the safety of your own home ... and meeting up

with this girl for friends is fabulous ..as long as one is always honest ...

[Dinocaz]

Each to their own. But as I said I am being straight up, not into playing games. And in fact the woman im friends with, explained she joined the site to meet new people, its written in her profile. Who said anything about brother or sister friendship ? I have my brothers and sisters. I am free to do what I want when I want how I want. I dont play games, I tell it as it is, if I meet somone who blows me away great ... if not fine. Also 1 other person I am friends with I met on a dating site. We speak often, have met for lunch a few times and such like. She is going through her own tough period, is not looking for anything deep and we are happy with the friendship we have. Wheres the harm ?

[carabucott]

I can relate to that. broke up with my gf of 3 years for about a week. I was starting to miss her so much, I was thinking about getting back with her for good. I was even ready to take things to the next level (engagement ), and pow! I found out she was already on dating sites, met few guys, and even slept with someone. It hurt like hell ! Yet, it also made me realize that she's not the type of person I would want by my side for the rest of my life. We had broken up before but just for a day, and back then she pulled that dating site thing also. When I found out and talked to her about it, she broke into tears and swore she just wanted to see if someone would be attracted to her, because she felt worthless. She kept saying she realized it wasn't the best thing to do and told me she had matured and wanted to prove it to me. Yet, that is exactly what happened the second time around.

So dating sites seem to be full of people just looking to numb their pain.

 

 

 

Here is my story:

[sunshineband]

5 weeks into my BY and I reactivated my profile this week. Not because I'm looking, just because I need something online to divert me from thinking about my ex.

 

It's fun getting messages .... even just random ones from people complimenting me on my profile. Just had a message from a guy who seems nice and can string a serious, coherent message together though, and herein lies the problem. In his last messsge, he's mentioned the Cantina music from Star Wars (bloke geeks will know what this is lol!) and this happens to be the music that was my ex's ringtone on my phone.

 

Bit of a blow to the stomach which reminding me unintentionally of my ex and what a wake-up call!

[TriColors]

I understand this and maybe its where im at right now im not sure. Very inbetween, but if your not ready you know it. Save it for further down the line. )

 

To be perfectly honest, the men I spoke with on the dating website were really really weird. I think that also deterred me. So don't be weird

[OneSadPuppy]

Each to their own. But as I said I am being straight up, not into playing games. And in fact the woman im friends with, explained she joined the site to meet new people, its written in her profile. Who said anything about brother or sister friendship ? I have my brothers and sisters. I am free to do what I want when I want how I want. I dont play games, I tell it as it is, if I meet somone who blows me away great ... if not fine. Also 1 other person I am friends with I met on a dating site. We speak often, have met for lunch a few times and such like. She is going through her own tough period, is not looking for anything deep and we are happy with the friendship we have. Wheres the harm ?

 

CrazyAboutDogs ...

 

Sorry, I think I have to agree with Dino!

Regardless of the ideal intention of the dating websites, I'd say 75% + of the people on there are liars. They sugar coat their "resume" like we all do when searching for a job.

 

Here is a man, who's being completely honest with his offerings and expectations.

I so wish the vast majority would be so honest as him!

I've dated sooooo many that I've had to decline after I've spent money and time because their profile was completely dishonest.

The fact is, these sites add the "for friendship" pull down because it's option that they think they should offer.

If you ignore such things, please, judge thyself, not Dino, he's has two thumbs way up from me for his honesty and integrity !!!

 

OSP

[gluestick]

I am free to do what I want when I want how I want.

The way you word this sounds kind of messed up. Like you don't care about anything other than whatever you feel like doing, to hell with everything and everyone else.

 

I dont play games, I tell it as it is, if I meet somone who blows me away great ... if not fine.

If you are looking purely for friendship, you wouldn't even think to mention "if I meet someone who blows me away great". If I am looking to make new friends, I would be purely focused on just making friends. Any thoughts of potential future relationships wouldn't even cross my mind.

 

Also 1 other person I am friends with I met on a dating site. We speak often, have met for lunch a few times and such like. She is going through her own tough period, is not looking for anything deep and we are happy with the friendship we have. Wheres the harm ?

That doesn't sound like a real friendship. It just sounds like you just met someone online, talk often (I'm guessing over the internet or on phone?), and met in person only a few times. A normal friendship works in the way that you hang out often in addition to keeping close contact.

 

I'm sorry but I agree with Crazyaboutdogs. From your first opening post, you already stated you're not ready to date. Yet as soon as interest from women started popping up, you're starting to feel better and good about yourself. Sounds like you're just seeking validation or rebuilding your self-esteem through the women you meet on the dating site and are obviously in denial about it.

 

On a side note, why do people look for friends or find people to date on websites, when you can make friends and meet people in real life. Is it because you have a small social network or you're shy about approaching people in real life and find it easier over the net? Maybe someone who have experience with online dating can explain to me as I've always been curious and just didn't quite understand the reason why. Btw, I don't mean it to be offensive and apologize if you think it's offensive, but I am honestly really curious why people choose to meet over the net vs through people they interact with in real life. Thanks.

[pippy longstocking]

On a side note, why do people look for friends or find people to date on websites, when you can make friends and meet people in real life. Is it because you have a small social network or you're shy about approaching people in real life and find it easier over the net? Maybe someone who have experience with online dating can explain to me as I've always been curious and just didn't quite understand the reason why. Btw, I don't mean it to be offensive and apologize if you think it's offensive, but I am honestly really curious why people choose to meet over the net vs through people they interact with in real life. Thanks.

 

 

been a parent ...tv or internet ..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

CrazyAboutDogs ...

 

Sorry, I think I have to agree with Dino!

Regardless of the ideal intention of the dating websites, I'd say 75% + of the people on there are liars. They sugar coat their "resume" like we all do when searching for a job.

 

Here is a man, who's being completely honest with his offerings and expectations.

I so wish the vast majority would be so honest as him!

I've dated sooooo many that I've had to decline after I've spent money and time because their profile was completely dishonest.

The fact is, these sites add the "for friendship" pull down because it's option that they think they should offer.

If you ignore such things, please, judge thyself, not Dino, he's has two thumbs way up from me for his honesty and integrity !!!

 

OSP

 

Yes, the faux honesty happens all the time...people just out of breakups starting to date but being "honest" saying they are not ready for a relationship...but then what they do is they ACT like they are in a relationship, flowers, dates, makeout sessions, sex...and then when the other person thinks it is more than friendship the "honest" person says "oh no, I was HONEST with you when I said I didn't want a relationship". Bottom line is that the ACTIONS typically don't match the words...and that is why the VERBAL honesty is DISHONEST. If someone REALLY wanted friendship, they would be going on other types of websites, meetup groups, events in their neighbourhood etc looking for male and female friends....the dating site "friendship" is simply an ego boost to get people interested..to have the illusion of romance without the commitment.

 

As for your last sentence...no, it is not from personal experience that I speak from, it is from being on ENA for many years and constantly seeing how this so-called "honesty" has caused a world of pain for the other person...and how the so-called "honest" person realizes that they made a big mistake because they ended up stringing someone along unintentionally because they weren't honest with themselves and their TRUE motivation for going on the website..which was simply to get an ego boost and mask their pain.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

On a side note, why do people look for friends or find people to date on websites, when you can make friends and meet people in real life. Is it because you have a small social network or you're shy about approaching people in real life and find it easier over the net? Maybe someone who have experience with online dating can explain to me as I've always been curious and just didn't quite understand the reason why. Btw, I don't mean it to be offensive and apologize if you think it's offensive, but I am honestly really curious why people choose to meet over the net vs through people they interact with in real life. Thanks.

 

Many years ago newspapers used to have lots of personal ads as a means to meeting someone. That has basically been replaced by dating websites. In its infancy dating websites were about people trying to find someone to connect with for a real relationship. Sometimes it is hard to meet people in real life..when you work all day and are tired, it can be difficult to go out every night to events which allow you to meet people. Singles dances were always pretty hideous events because they were so contrived. Online just made it easier to connect with people you wouldn't normally meet because they may not go to the same things you go to. Unfortunately dating sites have now morphed into the venue for people who want their ego stroked...it is more about seeing "who is interested in me" than about "who can I connect with on a deep level for a relationship".

[lostandhurt]

Using people to make yourself feel better is wrong.

 

You are a guy and make a profile on a dating site but put looking for friends. Then you put Male interested in meeting women. This means you want to make female friends. To what end do you want to make female friends?

 

Being honest with others requires you to be honest with yourself first.

 

I have seen this plenty of times. Someone says they aren't ready to date but make a profile to test the waters and if they get a message from some cute person then all of sudden they are ready to date but if they get messages from less attractive people then they are still not ready to date. It is playing it safe and not facing the reality of their situation.

Sure there can be times when you aren't sure so you go on a few dates then realize you aren't ready and back off while you finish healing up but you shouldn't use others to prop up your ego and self esteem.

 

Like I said before there are a lot of sites for just making friends and they aren't gender specific like a dating site is. You want to make friends of both genders look one up.

 

Lost