sunshineband

Well there were two main things wrong with that football match: 1) we lost 2) I wasn't watching it with you I like that Maroon 5 song that's out at the moment: "All those fairytales were full of **** / One more ****ing love song I'll be sick"

Friday 22nd June Hi my lovely I’ve been so tempted to phone you or text you or write to you today, that I’m just going to get all this down. I just wanted you to know that I still dream about you at night, and I still think of you loads by day. In fact, in last night’s dream, we were both naked in a car park together, but that’s another story lol! I was doing OK today until I walked out of school at lunchtime, down the hill back towards the car. For some reason, walking that route always reminds me of you so strongly. And then I come out onto the A610 and see the signs for Nottingham and that’s a tough tough tough one. It’s a good job I had an appointment this afternoon and knew I had to get home, otherwise I would have been so tempted to drive to your house and just sit outside and see if you were there. At least I’m not turning into some crazy real-life stalker lady lol! I wanted you to know that if life really does flash before your eyes before death, then I will look forward to the 6 months I spent with you being part of that. I wanted you to know that I will always remember you. I will always remember the connection we had, the sparks that flew every time we talked or touched. I will always remember the mega hugs, the soft caresses, the sexual adventure we were on. Those times are so precious to me and I will hold them in a special place and cherish them. One of the things I miss the most is the huge massive gong sound my phone made when a text from you came in. And also the funny Star Wars music when you rang me. It’s beyond sad that I’ll never hear from you again and my phone will never make those sounds again. I thought I might be getting over you this week a bit. Perhaps I am, but what that does is leave a huge aching gap in my heart and waves of sadness that that wash over me, plus a physical stabbing pain like a punch in the stomach that makes me feel sick. Why am I telling you this? One, so that you know how important our time together was because it’s taking me a long time to get over it, and two, to give you some idea of what your actions caused. I’ve no idea how you’ll be feeling or if you still miss me. I like to think you do. I have to remember and remind myself that as well as the man I loved, there was another man who I pity so that I don’t forget why we’re not together any more. I realised this week that there was a way you can get round the K9 software by restoring your netbook to a previous state. I have a feeling you’ll know that already. So that’s it basically. I am a mixture of sadness, longing, hurt and pain. I have some good moments, but nowhere near enough yet. I know this isn’t really a letter to you. This is just me pouring out yet more angst. I won’t send it, I’ll post it on a useful online forum I know. Take care and know that you were loved

Oh god there are still so many reminders of you at the moment. Like tonight I went to choir for a music job, First time since I'd accompanied in April and then come straight to yours. I remember that night. After a busy day, I remember it felt like I was "coming home" to you. We could have been great together. And you ****ed it up. So yeah, I still miss you, I still think of you loads, I still wonder what we'd be doing if we were still together. It sucks that I am finally realising that things are over between us because that's now making me realise that our memories are just that - memories of the past. And I know that soon you will fade into a chapter of my life rather than the whole novel. And that means I'm starting to let go of you and that I'll say goodbye sometime. I'm dreading that day.

That was a painful football match to watch. Not just because of the way England played (lol!) but because I know if things had been different I'd have been watching it snuggled up to you. I think I'm finally starting to accept on some level that it's over but now that makes me incredibly sad about what I have lost. I really miss you. Last night I evern dreamed about you. I dreamed that I was sorting something out with one of your mates and we had to go back to your house. And you were there but you went out so that we wouldn't have the pain of having to talk, see each other and stuff. And then once I'd sorted whatever it was out with your mate, I went off, knowing that was that. See even my dreams tell me we're through. Meh.

Oh yeah, and I've just realised you got K9 off your netbook by doing a system restore. Damn, I should have thought of that and wiped all your system restore points. I bet you knew about that even when I installed it which is why you weren't too worried and why you didn't need Serena to have the password and why you won't ever need to contact me to get it. Well I live and learn.

Have you seen the fixture list? Oh the irony!! Sheffield Wednesday at home to Leicester on Saturday 24th November. So we could have celebrated our one year anniversary a couple of days early ... by watching my team beat yours of course lol!!

Hey you. Saturday night, 4 weeks since we split, 3 week since we last talked. I'm sitting at home still trying to make sense of it all and you're sitting at home on online dating sites and talking to dommes on Yahoo chat. I just need to have less pain really, I just need to be able to think about you without wanting to cry, I just need to feel like there is some hope for me without you. I miss you, I really miss you specifically still, your bantery flirty texts, your warm smile, the connection between us. Which is why I could not go back on the online dating stuff at the moment. Much as I'd enjoy the attention (always ssuming I get any!), I would always be comparing people with you and how things went with you. Which I don't think is fair. So for now I'll stay away. Tonight I'm just mainly feeling sad. I need to sleep well tonight. I hope I do.

Hello, I'm here because I've been so close to texting or phoning you today. I walked out of work today, thinking about seeing you before I realised that actually I wouldn't be seeing you. Then I remembered what a dark picture I've managed to paint in my head about you to help me try and get over this, and that made me feel sad that I was forgetting about all the good times we had together. And we did have some fantastic times, and I don't want to forget them. Can I separate the good times I had with your nice side and hold onto them versus the crapness about the way your dark side treated me? Maybe that would do it? But then when I remember the good times, I feel so sad. In the words of the song I heard on Wednesday "We could have made it, but now we're nothing at all." ALl those good times gone to waste. Why wasn't I good enough for you?? I gave everything I could to building a strong relationship and you pretended to but then went online and paid for thrills. Bit of a big difference there mate, isn't there? Sometime I will be able to look back at my memories with a different response than tears. But not yet. I'm not there yet. I wish you could see the consequence of your actions.

So last night was when we had planned to go to the gig in Camden together. It was going to be great driving down to London together. You would have loved it, the place and everything. It was fab. The singer I like was awesome beyond words, and it was such an adventure. And what did you do while I was out seizing the day (or night) ... you went online drunk and begged to be humiliated and blackmailed. I don't know whether it was a significant day for you too and made you lose the plot a bit, but it makes me feel both incredibly relieved that I'm out of that situation and also incredibly sad that you feel you have to do that.

Did you watch the football this afternoon? Where were you when you watched it? I thought of you. And I thought of tonight when you were going to "surprise" me with something and wondered what that might have been. I've had that "kicked in the stomach hard" feeling all day. It's been a tough day. Back to the routine of work and the school run and that makes me realises once again just how much I miss you (the nice you that is!). I even checked my phone today thinking that you would have texted me, but no, you hadn't. Just as well really. God I wish you'd had more of a grip on life and weren't such a prat.

Hi my lovely, hope you're OK and your week off has got off to a good start. Did you see that it was a Leicester player that scored for Ireland today?? Didn't stop them getting thrashed by Croatia though sadly. Did you finally work out that the matches aren't on at something like 11pm?? Just as well we're not together anymore though as you'd have had to pay the forfeit hahaha! So why are you still being blackmailed with me involved then? I'd like to say my spidey senses were telling me, but yeah I cyberstalked you again. So she knows that I know about it but you don't know that she knows that I know. Well that's weird. It'll be a bit of an odd one tomorrow night. You told me to see if I could be free for a surprise. So I was going to get a babysitter and be surprised! I wonder what you had planned. Guess I'll never know. Still, if I get through tomorrow night, that's another cord cut and another step forwards. Still bloody wish you'd phone me or text me though.

I'm here again. Maybe I won't be stopping by as much, and maybe you won't hear from me as often. The pain inside me has changed from a gut-wrenching non-stop hurt, to a dull ache with sudden acute pain when something flares up. So yes, I am moving on a bit. I took M & H roller-skating again today. The last two times I did that, in February and at Easter, we were together and were in the middle of text conversations and planning our next times together and enjoying being a couple. Today, I was there with no text messages to look at on my phone, no visits to plan, nothing to look forward to. But I survived because I realise that I don't need you. I really don't. Amazingly I have reached the point when I can look back on our time together and realise that it is the past. I think I shall treasure the good times, I don't have it in me to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Good memories are just that - good memories. You did say I "compartmentalise" the past and I shall do that with you. Put you in a box split in half. In one side there will be "my lovely A" with the happy stuff, and in the other will be "A Porner" the cheating, lying addicted fool.

Evening. I've moved on so far today you wouldn't believe it. I've had the most horrendous time on Facebook with village politics but boy has it been good for me to stand up for myself, be strong and take my mind off the crap with you. So I see you've put your OkC profile private so I can't stalk it anoymously. That's a shame cos I was hoping to find out when you were online and log into to your account again and see what you were up to. But now I have a brilliant idea about using one of your bdsm site pics for your main OkC pic. That would be sooo wrong but sooo funny and just the sort of thing that one of those online tarts would do to humiliate you so it should be familiar territory. My friends here will give me great advice on whether this is feasible or not! I can think of you as a person now, not as the man I love. Or loved even. See I really am moving on a bit. Realising how different you really were from how you appeared. Starting to see through the deception and believe it for myself. I can even think of good times we shared together and smile rather than cry that they'll never happen again. I don't know how long this sense of relief and euphoria that I got out before I was in too deep with you will last, but I flipping love it!

Hi, it's me. Again. I don't know how long it's going to take me to move on and I don't really care. I'm moving on a bit I think. I don't want to let go of memories, but with every wave of pain and sadness I seem to moving further away from the trauma of your addiction. In a very sarcastic way, I am bloody glad you're moving on so fast - heading for a crash and burn? Can't help thinking you deserve this but I also worry about you and hope you're going to be OK. Today I went to softplay with J and her youngest. We were talking about everything and it was a right good catch up. But even then, with one of my best friends, I felt like I had to make an effort and force myself to chat and be good company. I'm not myself at the moment. This is the effects of your actions. This is what it does. I don't think you'll ever even understand how I felt about what you did. You only think of it in terms of the effects that it has on you - costing you money, costing you your relationship with me. We talked a bit about the break up and how the cover story is that we're blaming "bloody S" for being the clingy ex from hell. It's hard having friends have to cover for the real reason, but I don't want everyone to know how very badly I was treated by you. I guess your plan is to live life in two parts - the outside bit with a regular girlfriend and being the devoted and loving boyfriend, and then your other bit with dommes, online dommes, chat, pics and clips. I wonder if you really realise that's cheating and lying to someone. I bet you don't. I'm so tired of the pain and the emptiness of not being with you. I asked myself today whether I just miss being with someone or whether it's specifically you. Yes, it's definitely and specifically you that I miss, crazy though that is. But I miss the nice, outer side of you, not the dark, addictive side. I miss it a lot.

Hi you, today I've been at a theme park all day with H and it's been such a good day, probably the first good day I've had since we broke up. All day though I kept thinking about how much fun it would have been if you'd have been there too with your son C. And there were some brilliant, funny moments I'd have loved to share with you - like the one on the pirate ship with the dad who kept saying "Oh shoooot, this is too much, make it stop" and we all thought he was joking but he wasn't and he was seriously hating it! You'd have loved that. And today was the first day I've had to drive down the motorway past the junction for your house. It was weird taking that route and not feeling the same excitement and expectation that I used to when I approached Junction 26. I gave you an invisible wave as we went past, a kind of salute to the good times and the happy memories. I felt a bit emotional and a bit sad and a bit like I want to come back and see you. But I know I won't. Oh God you were a fool to risk our love on some cheap (or not so cheap) thrills. What a stupid wicked thing to do. We could have had so many good times together.