Invited to a party where his exes will be.....

[Oasis_Fan]

On facebook, there is an event/party where me and my fiance are invited to attend. I used to have a lot of issues with his past relationships because of how 'detailed' he was in telling me about his intimate moments with them (which almost destroyed me), because of our age difference (I'm 6.5 years younger), how his family casually mentioned his exes to me all of the time, and how he had 12 past relationships and I had only 2. I've dealt with the problem and I've been through a lot but I am glad to say that I made some real progress.

 

Until today I noticed that the party we are planning on attending in a couple of weeks ....it says that three of his exes are going to be there. Three!!! GREAT!!! I have to say- I cried instantly (I was alone). I haven't cried about his past in a long time but I am not happy about having to see their faces. I don't want them to talk to me or look at me or be there at all. Not after hearing about all of those sexual details. Very dirty. Very disgusting. Very heartbreaking for me as this is the man I am going to marry and I don't deserve to have to picture these intimate moments in my head. I would write them out here so that you could understand how detailed but I actually don't think it would be appropriate but I wish you could hear just how wrong it was to say... It's not fair. How once you think you've conquered something you find out that it's not over.

 

What should I do? I feel hopeless. I can't face them after what I went through. I wish they didn't live around here at all. I'm seriously thinking about not going. I feel so inadequate right now. But I need to hear some thoughts if I can.

[RedDress]

Personally, I think you are overreacting. Even if he swung upside down from a chandelier while wearing their panties on his head... who cares? It made him the man he is today. The man you love and want to marry.

 

I think that the more you bury your head in the sand and try to forget/avoid these women and his past, the worse it's going to be. First... maybe they won't even go! Then... once you actually put a personality to the name, they will stop being "chandelier girl" and start being just "Sharon" (or whoever).

 

I think the best way past things like this is head-on, directly through it... not around it.

[camus154]

Wait, what?

 

Why did he share all of this with you? Why did you not stop him and say "WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, CAPTAIN AMERICA!"

 

I can't tell if you're really, really over-sensitive and naive or if he's grossly crossed some lines here.

[Oasis_Fan]

Personally, I think you are overreacting. Even if he swung upside down from a chandelier while wearing their panties on his head... who cares? It made him the man he is today. The man you love and want to marry.

 

I think that the more you bury your head in the sand and try to forget/avoid these women and his past, the worse it's going to be. First... maybe they won't even go! Then... once you actually put a personality to the name, they will stop being "chandelier girl" and start being just "Sharon" (or whoever).

 

I think the best way past things like this is head-on, directly through it... not around it.

 

You make a good point. I kinda wish I could explain to you what I heard about these women though. About what he said about them sexually and everything. And I wish I could put into words how painful it was for me to hear it and think about it. But I see your point. I should be more confident you mean? Go to the party and just stand up tall and be confident and sure of myself. I know I can't avoid it forever but just the thought of them being near me makes me cringe with anger. Mostly at him.

 

I'm trying to picture myself sucking it up and just going -I really am. But I keep thinking about it. And I keep thinking what if ....what if. We live in a really small community and one of his friends are bound to come up to us and be like "Hey remember that chick ...blah blah." Breaks my heart. Unfortunately I'm not very emotionally strong. But I do understand and agree with you. I just don't feel very confident at the moment and I can't picture myself being able to do it right now and feeling good about it in any way.

[Oasis_Fan]

Wait, what?

 

Why did he share all of this with you? Why did you not stop him and say "WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, CAPTAIN AMERICA!"

 

I can't tell if you're really, really over-sensitive and naive or if he's grossly crossed some lines here.

 

You made me laugh with the captain america thing -thank you for that I'm not having the best day as you can tell.

 

Well, he was extremely out of line back then. He apologized numerous times but unfortunately it's impossible for me to completely forget. Don't get me wrong -I've come a very long way but when I find out that these women are going to be around me I don't feel very happy.

 

He was very wrong at the time and very immature. He said very horrible, disgusting things about how much of a "bad boy" he was with one woman and how ...things looked ...and what happened. But he treats me well also and he only said those things in the beginning of the relationship but you know it's kinda not possible for me to forget especially when they live close by. Very sad for me to remember, actually. But for the record, I'm also sensitive when it comes to certain things, this being one of them. But I sort of blame him for being sensitive right now.

[SuperDuper]

Just go to the party and don't think about them. Yes be confident, yes chat with other people and do not think about his ex's. He's with you for a reason so just go and enjoy yourself, it's only one night of your life. If you successfully go through the night feeling confident then you'll likely be able to handle future situations just like this (assuming there's other encounters).

[RedDress]

And I keep thinking what if ....what if. We live in a really small community and one of his friends are bound to come up to us and be like "Hey remember that chick ...blah blah."

 

What if what? Which scenarios are you worried about?

 

I highly doubt one of his friends will come up and say "Hey remember that chick ...blah blah." - especially if she is right there. I mean... are they 14? And if they DO do something like that - I'd seriously question the people your fiance is friends with because they have no tact and class.

 

... and why don't you want them to see YOU? You know secrets about them... but they know nothing about you. What should YOU have to be ashamed of?

[Oasis_Fan]

Just go to the party and don't think about them. Yes be confident, yes chat with other people and do not think about his ex's. He's with you for a reason so just go and enjoy yourself, it's only one night of your life. If you successfully go through the night feeling confident then you'll likely be able to handle future situations just like this (assuming there's other encounters).

 

Okay I really like how you said "If you can handle one night then you can handle future situations just like this." That made a really good point for me and it kinda makes me feel better.

 

The only problem is the fact that it's a small community so I'm afraid that they will be coming around and talking to him and I'm just going to get really insecure and unhappy because I would be replaying the things he should of never of told me in my head. The last thing I want is for them to approach us. It would end in a bad night for us because I probably won't take it very well. I'm telling you guys, I really went through some dramatic stuff. I'm basically emotionally traumatized. But I'm still hanging on to what you said. It does make sense and if I decide to suck it up and go I will probably be repeating that in my head a few times. That was helpful.

[Oasis_Fan]

What if what? Which scenarios are you worried about?

 

I highly doubt one of his friends will come up and say "Hey remember that chick ...blah blah." - especially if she is right there. I mean... are they 14? And if they DO do something like that - I'd seriously question the people your fiance is friends with because they have no tact and class.

 

... and why don't you want them to see YOU? You know secrets about them... but they know nothing about you. What should YOU have to be ashamed of?

 

You would be surprised!!!! I was once out and it was just a few of our friends (no exes) and his friend looked at him (with me there) and said "Hey, remember when you got drunk and went home with ----" And I was standing right there. And I knew who he was talking about and I replayed every sick intimate detail I knew and I felt absolutely disgusted and hurt. I even cried when I got home. I wasn't impressed. He actually has friends that are just clueless. His family used to do this to me also. I've been through a lot.

 

The scenarios I am worried about are things like - What if one of his friends do this again? I don't want to know more than I already do. And what if those girls come up to him? That would not be good. I would not be okay with that.

 

I'm not ashamed of myself. I am confident and I know I'm beautiful and they have nothing on me but I'm ashamed of how my fiance did all of those things. And I hate how I know everything about it. And I don't want to have to see them. So that's pretty much what I'm thinking right now and what I'm worried about.

[RedDress]

I think you should tell your bf this. Tell him that you saw that a few of his exes will be going and that you are pretty uncomfortable with that. Explain that you will go and make an effort - but that if people start being ignorant (ie: a friend starts talking about his exes or something) - that you are leaving.

 

His friends/family have no reason to talk about his exes, really. It's up to him (especially since he created this monster) to tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and to refrain from saying things like this. I'd hold him accountable in this way.

 

But the exes? Yes. They may come to say "hi". As long as they keep things appropriate... well... there's not much you can say/do. I mean... those poor girls. THEY didn't do anything wrong. I bet they don't even know they were talked about that way! I bet they would be mortified! But he CAN make the conversation short and cut it off a bit.

 

I think the key here is to meet in the middle. Let him know your concerns so that he is aware. Let him direct things accordingly. But... make an effort.

[Oasis_Fan]

I really appreciate this post. I may actually read this a few times when I start to feel insecure about going. And a few other posts I've received which makes me feel glad about making a thread.

 

I am definitely going to mention it to him. I knew that for sure. I just wanted opinions first. Because he is wrong for what he did to me and I'm wrong for hating those girls and not wanting them any less than 50 feet from me.

 

I probably will go and make an effort. And I will be sure to leave if something bothers me that's inappropriate. Thanks for the advice, I really really really appreciate it.

 

Thank you everyone. You all helped me think rationally.

[markfromark]

....it says that three of his exes are going to be there. Three!!! GREAT!!! I have to say- I cried instantly (I was alone).

 

I don't know how old you are but as a marriage counselor I would say that you are probably not ready for a marriage if you break down like this. Come to think of, you should definitely have some pre-marital counseling with your fiance and find out why he and his family are so fixated on his exes.

[Oasis_Fan]

I don't know how old you are but as a marriage counselor I would say that you are probably not ready for a marriage if you break down like this. Come to think of, you should definitely have some pre-marital counseling with your fiance and find out why he and his family are so fixated on his exes.

 

They USED to be fixated on them. They don't say things like that to me anymore. They weren't so much fixated but they were more 'ignorant' about it. They didn't think before speaking.

 

I've come along way and I put a lot behind me. I know we don't need counselling but I know I need to be more confident in myself. That's my main problem at this point.