loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 My boyfriend and I got into a fight tonight over the phone. He was polite and so was I. Although, through his politeness, he basically said that I am lucky that I live with my parents and have help because he is here in this state on his own without anyone to help him and he needs to pay for things and work as much as he can. He said he doesn't have the luxury to just take off work whenever like I do. He even said that he hopes one day I get a job that is 5 days a week so I can see what it's like. Yet, he gave away two of his work nights at one of his jobs so he could have days off to relax and hang out....but he doesn't work a crazy lot as it is and his work schedule of both jobs combined is awesome with time to sleep inbetween and usually a whole work day off. He said things are hard for him because he doesn't have or make a lot of money and he has lots of things to pay off, etc. He kept saying he was trying to get me to understand that he needs money and to work as much as possible which I totally do understand. I told him that I understand that he doesn't make a lot of money and that I don't care about money and him having it. I said that I don't really ever suggest us doing anything because I know about this. I meant this in the most considerate way, but after saying this he was sort of quiet and said he felt very emasculated to hear that from me. Now, even though he did say some things that weren't nice and "put me down", I feel awful that he feels emasculated by my comment. I know how seriously bad that can be for a male to feel that way. What can I say or do to fix this so he knows that I don't think of him as a deadbeat loser or as not being a man? What can I say or do to make him feel like a man? Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 To be honest I don't think anything you said was that out of line - if anything he seems a bit rude, self absorbed and whiny. Link to comment
DN Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Do you pay equally for dates and so on when you do go out? Link to comment
Mustachio Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I can see why he might react that way. Taken in the wrong context it can sound like you are settling for a life less than what you would otherwise have liked because he doesnt make enough money. I think if you want to apologize for making him feel that way go ahead, and explain to him that what you meant is that you are happy just spending the time with him and you understand the situation and it doesnt really bother you (unless it does... dont lie). Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 To be honest I don't think anything you said was that out of line - if anything he seems a bit rude, self absorbed and whiny. I definitely can see how you would think that. I also feel he is coming off that way. This was our 2nd disagreement so far in our relationship. We have been dating 4 months so I have still yet to see who he really is and what he really thinks. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 I can see why he might react that way. Taken in the wrong context it can sound like you are settling for a life less than what you would otherwise have liked because he doesnt make enough money. I think if you want to apologize for making him feel that way go ahead, and explain to him that what you meant is that you are happy just spending the time with him and you understand the situation and it doesnt really bother you (unless it does... dont lie). Well, it does bother me that we don't go out and do nice things, but I was merely telling him that I still understood about it and don't suggest doing things that require lots of money so that I don't put him in the poor house for wanting to go out. I did apologize a few times. Link to comment
camus154 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 To be honest I don't think anything you said was that out of line - if anything he seems a bit rude, self absorbed and whiny. Agreed. It is bad if he feels emasculated, but it's not you making him feel that way, but himself. That said, we clearly don't have the entire context here. What was the fight about? How/why did it start? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I think his comment about you living with your parents and having it easy was more off base than what you said to him. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Do you pay equally for dates and so on when you do go out? I have offered to pay twice for his drinks and he let me even though he knows my view on how a man should always pay. When we first began dating, he also said he believes the guy should pay. So, he does pay when we go out.....but we have been dating 4 months and haven't gone out much at all. Just to give you an idea: drinks out about 10x, dinner-2x, diner food/breakfast- 4x, and we went to the movies 2x. On my birthday, he did pay for tix to see a broadway show, but I had to suggest that we go to it. He didn't have a plan for my birthday, so I had to plan my birthday. He also didn't give me a birthday gift and said he was upset about it because it was supposed to come in the mail the day before my birthday. I still have not received it and now he told me that the gift was back ordered he found out. He said it might be a long time before I can get it. I also live an hour away from him. He has not come to hang out with me here where I live, but always asks me to hop on a train to come to his place. He says it's because he hasn't met my parents yet and feels awkward coming around my town hanging out and feels it is disrespectful. So, he will be meeting my parents soon and I will see if things change with me not traveling all the time. Link to comment
camus154 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 You both seem a bit too wrapped up in money and keeping score. And since he doesn't make a lot of money, I think you'll both remain unhappy. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Agreed. It is bad if he feels emasculated, but it's not you making him feel that way, but himself. That said, we clearly don't have the entire context here. What was the fight about? How/why did it start? Ok here is how is started: I was supposed to have a birthday party tonight outdoors and because of the weather predicting a high chance of rain, party had to be moved to tomorrow night. He took off work at one of his jobs where he works saturdays in order to come. But let me preface that I had to ask him if he was going to take off work and also there were supposed to be auditions for his theatre company today too so he said he couldn't make it because he was going to have to take off work to go to these auditions. Then, I said can't you ask them if they are having another day of auditions or that you may have a conflict so would it be possible to audition another day and just see what they say to that? Particularly since they sent this notice for auditions one week before the audition date?....I'm sure people will have conflicts besides you. He seemed reluctant to do so but he did email them and then found out that he could audition another day. Once that was cleared, he got himself out of work by having someone cover him. SO, back to the fight....I was upset he couldn't come now to my birthday party since it has to be moved to tomorrow night. He works tomorrow night at his other job. This other job he works at, he is able to find someone to cover him usually- he has two friends willing to help him out sometimes. On top of it, he always complains about how he only makes around 80 bucks there on Sundays and Mondays because of how slow it is. He gave his other two night shifts (which are the more busy nights.......) at this job to one of his friends for the whole summer because he wanted to have 2 whole days off to relax and apparently hang out more with me. At this particular job, he also waited till two days before my birthday to find someone to cover for him so he could have off for my birthday.....which really ticked me off that he left it to the last minute almost. I simply asked him if he was sure he couldn't come tomorrow night to my party and get off work and he said that was mean of me to ask. But I told him that from how it seems he was able to give two of his night shifts to some friend of his that his boss doesn't really know, I didn't think it would be a problem if he tried asking this friend or another friend to switch with him for Sunday or cover him. That's when he told me that he already asked this friend to switch one of the work nights he gave him so he can work a big party Monday at his other job and make a lot of money, so he can't ask him again to also switch tomorrow night with him. Then he also said that his boss at this job might notice if he is jumping around the days he works because there needs to be some "continuity" and "consistency". But I pointed out that this friend just started last week, so I don't think his boss would even notice .......then he sighed and just said I didn't understand. I don't mean to demean my boyfriend's job, but this place is a dive and the boss is very lenient and my bf can drink and text while he works. That all led to him saying he thought I understood that he needs to work and needs money, etc. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 You both seem a bit too wrapped up in money and keeping score. And since he doesn't make a lot of money, I think you'll both remain unhappy. Thanks for your reply camus! I really am not keeping score though about money. Just about what romantic things we do or normal couple things we do....which hasn't been many as of yet. I thought it was because of money so I didn't gripe or get upset over it, but from how he doesn't seem to work hard to make more money or look for another job if he isn't making enough and unhappy with one of his current ones....and the money he does have, he spends on drinks sometimes instead of saving that to take me out....it makes me wonder if it really is about not having money or if it's something else that makes him not want to put in effort to take me out much. Link to comment
camus154 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 But the point is...you're still keeping score. Money or romantic things, keeping score is bad. And honestly I think you're waaayyyy up in his business about work and whether he could have really taken off. He took off from one job and rearranged auditions for your party, and then you were challenging him when he couldn't--or wouldn't--rearrange schedules again because the party had to be rescheduled. It's not your place to determine whether he really could get off work or not. Certainly not when you've only been dating for 4 months. Back to the score keeping thing, I've noticed you give him credit for things but in a backhanded sort of way. Like taking you to a Broadway show, but you still had to suggest it (so?). And getting off work but waiting until 2 days prior (so?). Honestly I think your and his priorities and what you each expect out of a relationship are out of line. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Well, the thing is, I simply asked and wanted to double check if he really couldn't make it sunday because initially when I told him party was moved, he didn't really say anything about how he wishes he could be thy there or how he can't come because he can't get off work, etc....so because he didn't say that, I just wanted to check. When he said he couldn't, I said that's ok so don't worry about it, but he got all upset that I asked him even though I kept explaining why I asked just to double check and then he kept talking about it and then it turned into a fight. I really wasn't up in his business. When he started talking about it and how upset he is etc. I ended up pointing out some things I have noticed. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Hm, I guess you are right that I give him credit in a backhanded way. That isn't nice. I guess I look at the planning and the effort he puts in more than if he actually ends up doing it. Link to comment
loveculture Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Well, do you have any advice of anything more I can say or do so he can feel better about himself with me and not feel any less masculine? Link to comment
greywolf Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 If you want to go out and do things, and you're the one with the money, then you have to at least pay for yourself. I don't see why he needs to be working harder and saving more money just to make you happy. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Well, do you have any advice of anything more I can say or do so he can feel better about himself with me and not feel any less masculine? You can't stop him feeling emasculated, that's not just you but everything going on in his life right now. That said, you can stop having ideas about how a man is supposed to behave - like paying 100% for dates. Link to comment
DN Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I have offered to pay twice for his drinks and he let me even though he knows my view on how a man should always pay.I think you need to review how you think because basically you are taking financial advantage of him which is bad enough at any time but is far worse when he is hard-up for money. And the fact he thinks he should does not mitigate it. Link to comment
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