Help! I want to have hope!

[kts]

Hi everyone! So heres my story and I could really use some advice and support!

 

So my boyfriend and I had been dating for a little over a year and a half. We "broke up" two weeks ago because he had a concussion in march and since then we'd been having a lot of problems and fighting a lot we weren't speaking for 5 out of 6 weeks because he "needed time". He would overreact over tiny little things that would become huge problems for us. Bur the main thing was that his sister was attacking me because i wasn't comfortable with him going to the junior prom with her friend. I don't know why it just bothered me he wouldnt be going had she not asked him. He told me he didn't want to go and wasn't comfortable about it either. He's a senior and wouldn't know anyone (I'm a freshmen in college but we're very close to each other distance wise) In the end after we broke up his parents made him go because they felt bad for the girl. His family is really involved in his life and our relationship as well!

 

The doctor and his parents we're telling him to not make any rash and permanent decisions while he goes through therapy and everything. His mom lets me know how he's doing and she says he seems happier, its been about three weeks. He found out we were talking though (something that really used to bother him, and even started the fight that broke us up) and when he saw I was calling, he smiled and even tred to pick up and say hi to me. But anyways he wants to talk at the end of June because he hopes he will want to fix things because right now our relationship is a "crumpled ball of paper that can't be fixed" but he doesn't know if it's the concussion speaking or not. He says there's a part of him that wants to be with me and part of him that thinks he shouldn't. He hopes he will want to fix things and try again but he can't make any promises. He said he still loves and he even said when we said goodbye and everything. He just gave me so much hope and so much to believe in that we will end up back together. We even had break up sex (cause im a dumb ho) and he said it like made him want to be with me at that moment. And that like even being around me made him almost change his mind and that he can't stay mad at me when I'm there.

 

My issue is just not knowing what to do with myself right now. I don't know if I should still have hope for him and us but at the same time I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I don't know what to do or what to really prepare myself for when we go to talk. We agreed to not talk for the time being I was thinking about sending him a text just to say hi and that I'm still here and just kind of remind him that I'm here. The smiling when I called and other things like that make me really want to have hope and really want to be with him but I don't want to get hurt again. He was sincere when he said he wanted to try and fix things or well at least hope he will want to try and fix things. I really don't think he's playing games with me and I know his feelings for me aren't gone, he cried when we said goodbye, he said i love you as well. Its hard I just want to be happy with him and I'm trying to work on myself too, but it's hard and I really miss him in a big way!

 

People are telling me a lot of different things but I want some non-biased opinions and some help please! I'd really appreciate any advice you could give me! Thanks everyone!

[elephants]

Hi kts, welcome to ENA!

 

Before anything else, my first advice would be that you make sure not take any advice given here religiously. Most advice here are sound and wise, but still, you have to remember that we are all strangers on the Internet. We don't know your situation outside of what you tell us. We don't know you, your ex, or the kind of relationship you had. So in the end, take our advice with a grain of salt, and do use your own brain and gut to weigh if what we are saying applies to you.

 

With that disclaimer, I would like to say that it's okay to hope. Besides, it's not like you can turn hope off like a switch. Even if all the people in the world tell you that you have to stop hoping, you will not be able to command yourself to do it. It's normal to keep hoping, because you are human. So let yourself feel the ebb and flow of the hope. That's part of the healing process.

 

It is not in my place to judge whether your ex is the type to "string you along" or not, but from your account of things, he seems to have a justified reason on wanting to take some time off. His brain is in a muddled place right now. My view regarding the June deadline-- Maybe the way he is now, he can't handle a full-blown relationship, but he's scared to deliver the finality that it's really over between you because he is self-aware enough to know that he is in no state to make permanent and drastic changes in his life. He's in therapy, and even the therapist tells him "not to make rash decisions".

 

It sucks for you, I know. You will be anxious as the end of June gets closer. You will cry. You will run through different scenarios in your head. I know, because this is what happened to me. Last March, my ex broke up with me because he was going through "a phase" (turns out to be depression), and asked that we talk again on the first of April. I was a mess all the time I was waiting. I tried to tell myself to stop hoping, but of course it was impossible. Come "the talk", he was still in his phase, and he finalized the break up. I became even more of a mess after.

 

I wish I could give you "tips and tricks" to skip the part where you'll be a mess and just go straight to the "moving on". But I doubt such techniques exist. I believe it's part of the healing process to be a mess and grieve the loss of something very significant in your life. The only comfort I can give you is that over time, it will get easier, and you will realize that you are done with being a mess. You will still be sad and miss him, but you will not be like a zombie anymore. Look forward to that.

 

I also wish I could tell you for sure that he will come back, or that he will not come back. But I'm not omniscient, and I don't know what will happen. You may not like what I will say next, and I'm sure you will get scared to read this, but if I can go back in time, this is what I will do with my own situation:

 

I will compose myself, then go to my ex, and talk to him. I will tell him,

 

"Hey, I know you're in a difficult place right now, and I don't want the pressure of a deadline hanging on either of us. Let's forget about the end of June. Take note that I am NOT saying that I don't love you anymore. I do, I love you so much and I want nothing more than to be able to work things out with you. But a deadline like that is doing neither of us any good. You will feel pressured and I will feel anxious as the day draws nearer. Instead of trapping yourself with a deadline like that, take as much time as you need to heal-- you deserve it. And I will begin to move on and begin the healing process as early as now-- I deserve it. When the time comes that things clear up for you and you realize that you wholeheartedly want to give us another try, do give me a call. And then we'll see where it goes. I love you, and I will miss you so much. Take care of yourself."

 

Modify that as you please. I think it is wise to give him space and also to take space for yourself. I do regret not having said that to my ex when he made that deadline for us. You cannot trap these matters in a timeline. I kept my healing on hold for a whole month because of a deadline we had put on ourselves. And my ex pressured himself to put finality on a decision he was not mentally fit to make. Don't make our mistake! Do both yourselves a favor and be free of the timeline.

 

I am not saying this to kill your hope. On the contrary, I think that if you let go of him for now, there will be much bigger hope for him to return in the future, when he's ready and not simply forcing himself to fulfill a deadline. It's so tempting to hang on to that deadline because you will keep thinking that until end of June at least you have a chance, but that's an illusion. It's just a "label". With or without it, the chance exists! If there is love underneath the confusion, it will not abide by a deadline or a label-- it will come back out in its own time, regardless of whether or not you are technically together. At least that's what I believe.

 

Best of luck to you! Update us.

[kts]

hi elephants!

Thank you so much! this is actually extremely helpful! at this point I'm not expecting us to get back together on june 30, I especially don't want to jump right back in and I don't think it's a smart idea. I am afraid that he will think he has to make and ultimate decision and I'm afraid he'll do it just to give me an answer and it might not be one that he actually wants! My hope is that we at least will be able to communicate and start having at least our friendship back and see where that takes us. I want to hold on that talk though because I want to see him again, would it be wise to preface before we talk that I'm not looking for him to make a final decision and I just want to talk and see where he is and how he's doing? Just clarify to him that this isn't a deadline for us to get back together or not? This is all just so hard!

[luminousone]

Elephants' advice is very good.

 

I would also add that it is not uncommon for someone with a head injury to exhibit irrational behavior or a wide range of emotions - sometimes seemingly inappropriate to the situation. Brains just get a little muddled sometimes and it sounds like he is getting the medical help that is needed for him to do what he can to get it to heal. And hopefully there will be no lasting brain damage.

 

As far as the prom situation, it doesn't sound like you have much to worry about there. His family got him to ask her, it sounds like, and he should honor his commitment because she would not be able to find another date at the last minute.

 

Be kind, be patient, and most of all you will need to let him do what he needs to do for now because he has to really focus on healing his brain - and that will often take intensive work with various professionals including speech-language pathologists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, neuro-psychologists, and so much more!

[elephants]

I am afraid that he will think he has to make and ultimate decision and I'm afraid he'll do it just to give me an answer and it might not be one that he actually wants! ... I want to hold on that talk though because I want to see him again, would it be wise to preface before we talk that I'm not looking for him to make a final decision and I just want to talk and see where he is and how he's doing?

 

Hi kts, yes, this is exactly what we want to avoid. He has to be in a position where we are sure that his decision-making skill is no longer impaired by whatever damage the concussion has done to his mental faculties. As for holding on to that talk and then prefacing it with a disclaimer, I would suggest giving him that disclaimer as early as now. Because the most likely scenario to happen is that even before the talk happens on June 30, he will have already made up his mind on what he is going to tell you. Like me and my ex agreed to talk on April 1, so he made it a point to make up his mind on the eve of April 1. By the night of March 31, he was already set and firm on his decision to finalize the break up with me, and that was it-- no negotiations anymore. So I would advise that you tell him now and free him of the deadline as early as now.

 

My hope is that we at least will be able to communicate and start having at least our friendship back and see where that takes us.

 

I guess you can tell him this? I mean, I'm not sure... I told my ex this when we talked on April 1, but he was really adamant that we both go no contact. He did end up reaching out to me a few days later, but our friendly communication lasted only for around 10 days, and then he started distancing himself again. Now we're back to not talking. Though I do plan to send a card for his birthday this Friday.

 

But then again, that is where our great difference lies. When I suggested this idea to my ex, he had already made a final decision that we were "over for good". Yours hasn't. He still has hope for you guys, so maybe he will be more open to the suggestion. I don't know for sure, of course-- I have no idea what kind of person your ex is, or how muddled his thought processes are at this point. But it might help you have peace of mind if you say this, so go ahead, I guess? Do take note though, that this is the "hard way", as I'm beginning to call it. It's going to be extremely difficult to have no emotional expectations from a lover-turned-friend. And for the friendship to work, there has to be no pressure and no expectations. Otherwise, it will just stress both of you out.

 

I'm calling it the "hard way", because there is an "easy way", which is to just leave him alone. I'm not sure about your situation, but that's how it feels with mine. Like I said, my ex is in a depressive episode right now and is confined in the hospital to be stabilized. That will take 2 months at least. Now, I can either start a friendship with him, or I can just leave him alone until he's back to "normal". If I become friendly, I'll have to let go of all my emotional expectations from him-- i.e., when I text, I should expect a distant and polite reply at best. Communication with an ex, especially an ex who is mentally/emotionally unstable, is like walking around eggshells. A little too much will push him farther away, and you just never know when it's too much-- definitely the "hard way"! On the other hand, I can do the "easy way" and just let him be. Hopefully, when he recovers, he'll be the one to reach out. But then, take note that there is no guarantee. There remains the possibility, for both of us, that even after our exes recover, their love for us will not come back and they will still not want to be with us. In that case, we may never hear from them again-- at least, not in the way we hope to. But the "easy way" will put you in a better position to start healing, so at the very least you have that.

 

In the end, the advantages and disadvantages of both "easy way" and "hard way" are hypothetical and situational, so you have to decide for yourself. For myself, I would want to do a mixture of both-- leave the door open for your ex and make it clear to him that you hold no hostility against him, so he feels "safe" to reach out to you, and then when he does, if he ever does, welcome the contact and respond. But limit the contact coming from you-- because, as I once read on a depression forum, that might be viewed as annoyance/pressure rather than love and caring.

[Tom1990]

Wow. My feeling is, you guys are more than likely going to get back together. So if that's the hope you're looking for, then you have it from me. Buuuuut...you both seem to want it so much that you might move too fast, or too soon, or too something. I see the inury as a new bonding point, so that might work in your favor (it is, as they say, a "happy accident"). But more than likely, the old issues will come back to haunt you both.

 

I say be his friend, try real hard to keep it friendly, and if a relationship is inevitable, there will be no stopping it.

[kts]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Tom1990! I hope you're right and I completely agree with the possibility of things movie too fast and am planning on taking things extremely slow! I'm planning trying to get in touch with him in about two weeks and seeing where that takes us.

[tothecoast]

For myself, I would want to do a mixture of both-- leave the door open for your ex and make it clear to him that you hold no hostility against him, so he feels "safe" to reach out to you, and then when he does, if he ever does, welcome the contact and respond. But limit the contact coming from you-- because, as I once read on a depression forum, that might be viewed as annoyance/pressure rather than love and caring.

 

Hi kts - I think all of elephants' advice on here is extremely accurate, and I would listen to her with both ears!

 

Seriously, though - it sounds like you definitely have a reason to have some hope here, as long as you keep in mind the fact that it might not turn out that way. Mental health / emotional health / brain injury situations are serious, and I think the important thing to understand is that they DO involve external factors - that being said, the external factors do, unfortunately, sometimes win out in the end.

 

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to focus on yourself and give your ex as much space as he could possibly need. Sounds like he's dealing with a lot right now, and the unfair/frustrating thing is that, when a person is going through a rough time, sometimes totally well-meaning and loving partners get muddled in with the pile of things that is stressing them out. This is NOT your fault but it IS an unfortunate reality. As elephants said, for people with mental health issues, love/concern/care can often be experienced as pressure, expectations, and stress (frustrating, I know).

 

So the best thing you can do is give him as much space as he needs, focus on yourself, and try (I know this is tough) to live your life like you're moving on. Do what feels good for you - if you are in touch, be kind and compassionate with him - but don't put his needs before your own, or bend over backwards to try to be what you think he needs, because that will only lead to an unhealthy dynamic (learn from my mistakes here). What he needs to see is not that you will sacrifice anything for him - again, that's an ultimately unsuccessful dynamic - but rather that you are healthy, independent, that you love him, but that you're going to take care of yourself and live your life with or without him. If he feels unpressured, if he feels safe, and if he sees that you are your own person who doesn't need him to be happy - well, I think that's the best you can do, and hopefully he'll be able to come around.

 

If he's not, know that you will heal from this, even if it takes time, and that you will ultimately find yourself happy again - as I've said on other threads, sooner than you think. This guy won't make you or break you, kts...remember that! And remember that your self-worth does not depend on the success of this relationship - whether or not he comes back has absolutely nothing to do with your very special value as a person.

 

Keep us posted and reach out if you need support, okay?

[SpiritofFire]

Great advice from above, and it seems everyone can contribute something to the table with their own experiences. Be confident when you go for a talk, realize that this is not the end of the world! Everything will be fine, and balance will come to your life. It's normal to have those feelings, the sooner you accept what might happen, and accept it for what it is, the sooner and easier you will overcome it. You mentioned you don't really know what to do with yourself in the mean time. Well for the sake of your peace of mind, keep yourself busy, read ENA comments, stay positive, don't dwell on it and have some hope for the gentleman you are speaking of.

[kts]

So his mom contacted me a couple weeks ago, I havent talked to her since. But she told me that he talks about me with his dad a lot. He said that there was girl who wanted to hook up with him but that he couldn't do that me. To this his dad replied all it would take would be a phone call to get me back. I'd like to think there would be a little but more of a chase haha. Anyways his mom told me to give it more time and that she doesn't think that I should move on just yet. Now I know she wants us to get back together, she has told me multiple times throughout our relationship how compatible she thinks we are.

 

I'm sending him a quick text this week letting him know that I don't want to put a deadline or any extra pressure on us our our decision making. If I don't get a response, I think I'll be okay with that. I still have a lot of hope which I wish I could dowse a little bit. However, I do still recognize that I could be setting myself up for failure and more disappointment. I think at least the fact that I can recognize it makes it a little better. I'm trying not get my hopes too high but then I have all this hope...its all very conflicting and confusing! I've been doing better in general though. The mornings are the hardest, but I'm happier more of the day and more independent. I know there are pros and cons to both outcome, even though I favor one of them more!!

 

Only about three more weeks until we talk though. My summer job starts soon which Im really looking forward to and my next couple weekends are full of fun plans! The busier I am the happier I am.

 

Any other advice for me? And I so appreciate everything that everyone has said! You have all been extremely helpful and I cannot thank you enough! Such a great community here

[jordesse]

Hi Kts, Thank you for your message and in fact, I went through something similar with my man! It wasn't a head injury though, it was a badly broken leg. He still needed lots of hospilization and therapy which puts a strain on any relationship, be it platonic/familiar or romantic. Anyway, the only real advice I can give you is to really honour the space you've both been given. Men are wired a bit differently to woman in that they usually can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Your boy is concentrating on healing his head injury. His family are also consumed with his getting better. It is going to be the theme in his life for a while yet. Try to look at it this way: Your boy is no where near being able to fulfill any of your needs at this time. His world at the moment revolves around his head injury and his recovery. So use this time to get yourself back and show him you are a strong, capable woman who can act with independence and make herself happy. Your strength should come from within though, not on the outside. On the outside you should be compassionate, warm and friendly with him but like tothecoast said, do not bend over backwards for him or put his needs before your own. This is where you need to be strong on the inside, set your boundaries and focus on yourself. It's ok to have hope but try and entertwine that hope with hope for yourself. Hope that your future is bright no matter what happens. Hope that you will get through this and he may or may not be a part of your future but you'll be ok in any event. Think of this time apart from him as being a gift that has been given to you that will help your relationship. It is a blessing in disguise because it will wash away any negative thoughts he may have had in regards to the relationship and it is a chance for a clean slate. It is a chance for you to show him the girl he fell in love with once more. Does that make sense? He gets to fall back in love with you. You never know, once you start doing things for yourself, getting out and doing all the things that you enjoy, you may not be still in love with him! You might find he isn't the man for you! Stranger things have happened........good luck!

[kts]

Thanks Jordesse!

 

I like your thoughts about the hope I should have. I never really thought about it like that and I think it will definitely help me! And i have been trying to do a lot of what makes me happy and I'm definitely getting to a happier place which makes me realize how dependent I actually was on our relationship and also how I can change that for the chance at a new one. I think this time apart was necessary I just hope that it will help us grow as individuals AS WELL as a couple!

[kts]

So I broke NC last week, after about 5 and a half weeks. I texted him congratulating him for graduating and letting him now I was looking forward to talking but that I wasn't looking for any answers or final decision. He responded which wasn't something I was really expecting! All he said was thanks and he would see me on the 30th. I'm not sure what any of this means but we're talking in less then two weeks. Hopefully he's in a better place and we can see how things go from there! Thanks for all the amazing advise everyone!!

[liz3290]

Honestly kts it seems like you should listen to what people have been saying. Be willing to move on, be happy with yourself, and when he's healed from his injury then see what happens.

I'm going through a kind of similar situation, no personal injury, but the guy that i was with has an issue from his past that's continuing to haunt him. He ended the relationship because he realized he needed to work on it, also citing distance and school (apparently i'm a distraction lol). Well he called it a break, even though its feeling like a break up, and I'm having to deal with moving on. I don't want to, of course, it felt perfect, but I understand logically that I need to. And in time, if it was right, then it'll work out.

Honestly, the way it sounds ya'll are meant to be. Just be patient, give him time to recover, be there for him but don't be there (like others said), and just give it time. Time is what it's gonna take. You've got work coming up, awesome summer plans, you'll be fine. Stay strong

Of course I'm here to talk if you need to, but I think you'll be fine.

I hope some of that helps, I just honestly didn't feel like there was much more to add, everyone pretty much covered it.