Get a restraining order against a relative(s)?

[Fudgie]

My boyfriend and I are looking into getting restraining orders against his bio mom and his little sister.

 

Things are getting bad and the mother is trying to weasel way into his life, showing up at his grandparent's house trying to see if he's "there" (he's not). The sister is more adamant about getting into contact with either of us so we both have her blocked on our phones. She did try to change numbers but we just blocked her again.

The sister is 16 and is a nasty, violent little s___t who does drugs. The bio mother is a nasty, violent W who does hard drugs and has been to jail a few times for assaulting people. Mother has physically abused N and the sister has assisted in such abuse.

 

We are already lying to his entire family (both sides) about where we will be living because we don't want these people knowing where we are living. Fake address, etc. We are going unlisted so no one can look us up.

 

We don't have a case for "harassment" but is it possible to get a restraining order against them ahead of time? So they can both get served and know that if they try to contact us in anyway, they will be arrested.

 

N refuses to talk to either of them or acknowledge their existence and this makes them angry that they don't have him in their lives and they don't get to interact with me either.

[Natasha24]

I obviously don't know all the details of the situation, but no, I don't think you can get a restraining order. Neither of them have done anything to you. Showing up at his grandparents to see if he's there isn't grounds for a restraining order. If you block them on your phones and email, and ask other family members not to share your information - then there shouldn't be a problem.

[Fudgie]

But if they show up and try to get into PHYSICAL contact with him outside of the house? When he's moved out with me?

 

The sister has a history of lying and tried to tell the police that my boyfriend has crack (which is a total joke within itself). He almost had the police over at the house because of this little s___t.

 

We don't trust the other family members not to tell - hence why we are lying about the address and giving them a fake address that is 40 miles away from where we will be living. They can go and show up - we won't be there.

 

Surely there must be a way to get a restraining order WITHOUT prior violence/stalking/harassment attempt.....??

[Natasha24]

But if they show up and try to get into PHYSICAL contact with him outside of the house? When he's moved out with me?

 

The sister has a history of lying and tried to tell the police that my boyfriend has crack (which is a total joke within itself). He almost had the police over at the house because of this little s___t.

 

We don't trust the other family members not to tell - hence why we are lying about the address and giving them a fake address that is 40 miles away from where we will be living. They can go and show up - we won't be there.

 

Surely there must be a way to get a restraining order WITHOUT prior violence/stalking/harassment attempt.....??

 

It all depends on where you live.

But usually, the only way to get a restraining order is if someone has done something. Otherwise, people could get any restraining order against any person they want for no reason at all. It sounds like you have no proof that these people are threats to you, so the police probably wouldn't take you seriously.

[Fudgie]

We have already started to document the electronic "tries" at contact, since both of us refuse to interact with them. So we document the missed calls and whatnot and text messages. I wonder if these could count as "harrassing" though. In my state, you can easily get a restraining order for harassing/stalking. Maybe we'll go that route.

 

These people are mentally ill and unless we have a way to say "Contact us and we'll call the cops", I don't think they will stop trying to barge in our lives.

[Seraphim]

I do not think there is any way you can get a restraining order ahead of time, no. Restraining orders are not easy to get. They actually have to do physical violence to you, threaten to do physical violence to you. Even physical stalking sometimes does not result in restraining orders. My mother got a restraining order against a family member but that was only because he had raped and assaulted me and threatening to kidnap and kill me. Even though he showed up at my school many times he stayed the required distance away so they could not charge him. He slashed my mother's tires once a week and tried to kill my father his own brother has he left work one day. He could not be arrested or served with another restraining order. I know you want these people to stay away from you but retraining orders are not easy to get because everyone would have a restraining order against everyone.

[Fudgie]

This sucks. These people are animals and should be put away. No, not even animals, because animals are better than they are.

 

I think we'll maybe present the text messages in the future IF they try to follow us to where we are living and see if we can get an order then. The sister has tried to contact ME a bunch, trying to find out where her brother is and finding out where i am. Then texts my boyfriend "WHY DO YOU HATE ME. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME." He just ignores her and blocks her, which further angers her because she sees all her texts coming back as "undeliverable". There really has to be a way to stop this.

 

The sister has already been caught with drugs, and so has the mom. I'm secretly hoping they'll go on a crack binge together and get caught so they can both go to jail and the sister can wind up in juvie for many years, where she belongs.

 

Unfortunately, the grandparents are no help. The grandmother is a boozy alcoholic who is delusional and losing her mind. She is upset that my boyfriend and I lie to her about where we will be living, or where we are, what we are doing. We do it to protect ourselves. She is in denial.

 

I can't wait for my boyfriend to move out and then neither of us will have to deal with them again. I already told my boyfriend that he can spend the holidays with my family so he won't have to go back to his for ANYTHING. He happily agreed.

[Seraphim]

Believe me I understand. Unfortunately we have to follow the way the law does it. Check the laws in your state.

[Fudgie]

I checked for my state, and it said that you can get a restraining order against a family member for assault, abuse (any kind), stalking, and harassment.

 

The mother has a long history of documented physical and verbal abuse that she did to my boyfriend. I wonder if that could be used now. He has not had her in his life since he left her house when he was younger, but now she wants him to "forgive her" and "she's off of drugs" and wants to have a relationship. In my boyfriend's words, she can go to hell.

 

I am not sure about the past abuse but if we could show that it happened, could we get a restraining order against her now that she wants back in his life?

 

This whole thing has us both really stressed. The mother finally got custody of the sister again from her step-father, and now it's like they are tag-teaming it and I think things are going to get a LOT worse. a LOT worse.

[Seraphim]

I do not think they can use past abuse etc. I believe it has to be recent. I could be wrong though. I would actually call a police station and see what you need to do.

[Fudgie]

Will do. I think the both of us (my boyfriend and I) will do some research on abuse forums. I'm sure that there are people out there who have been abused by parents and then do not want any contact with them. It must be hard to deal with there is a bad person who keeps contacting them saying "LET ME BACK IN YOUR LIFE." Or maybe that could just be considered harassment? I have no idea.

 

One concern my boyfriend has is that his elderly grandmother is back to hitting the bottle hard. Despite our tried to get her help, she continues to drink, so he's given up on trying and intends on distancing himself from her and moving on with his life. Now, she will probably die within the next 5 years. She drinks SO much and already has signs of brain damage and liver damage. Oh well. So he'd like to go to the funeral but because his mother and sister will be there, he doesn't want to go in the future, but he knows that if he doesn't go, people will be very angry with him.

 

But if he goes, he has no way to stop her from approaching him and trying to make contact/get information so she can get into our lives and ruin us. Like she has done with everything else. She just ruins things, she ruins people.

 

I'd wish that she were never born but then I'd not have N. The only good thing she has ever done on Earth is give birth to N. Besides that, I wish she were dead and it pains me to see him hurt because all he wants is for her to be OUT of his life forever.

[Seraphim]

I know you are mad because these people have hurt your mate. Unfortunately it started somewhere and most likely they were horribly abused too and it just carried on. Mostly I feel sad for people like that because they are victims too. I get mad sometimes but I return to the fact they themselves were also hurt and did not have enough on the ball or the support to not do it to others. I understand your hurt and anger though.

[Fudgie]

I think the mother was abused by her bio parents. Her "parents" now are adoptive. While the grandmother boozes it up and is insane, neither of them were abusive...just sort of bumbling along and making stupid choices, that's all.The sister was abused somewhat but also participated when they would beat my boyfriend to the ground.

 

I'm tired of the "I was abuuuuuused" excuse. It doesn't quell my anger much to know that she was abused. My boyfriend was abused horrifically but yet sought help afterwards and he does not harm animals or humans or anything. I think it contributes a lot to why he does not want children, but otherwise he is normal, kind, and loving. He could have done crack like his mom did but chose not to. Same bad situation, but different kinds of people emerge. Not all abused people grow up into horrible people. I blame the mother for choosing to do drugs time and time again and becoming more abusive.

 

I think she is a sick, damaged human being and would have done this regardless, but that's just me.

 

Seriously, I'm more angry over this right now than the crap that my grandmother is pulling at the moment. UGH UGH. Trying to get my mind off of it.

[Seraphim]

Well no of course not every abused person abuses others. There is a lot that goes into that. Their own mental stability, genetics, the type of abuse, the support they had etc. Are people responsible for their actions? Yes. I can see why they happen though.

[Fudgie]

I just don't get it, Vic. I just don't get it.

 

I shouldn't be having to sneak around his grandparents and lying about where we will be living and such. I mean really, this is just BS.

 

I've spent 4 years in college studying the human brain and I feel like the older I get, the less I understand humans overall.

[Seraphim]

It is hard I know. Humans are complicated. The brain and personality and how it all comes together are complicated. And once you mess up a human being in that manner the results are pretty vile. I know it is hard to feel sympathy. Really I do. There are some days I don't either. But I know anger and resentment will get me no where, and it helps to make me into them and then they win. Know what I mean? If I retain my sympathy I am NOT them and I retain my humanity.

[Fudgie]

You are right. I am trying to let this go. My boyfriend is so much better at it than me. He is angry now that they are coming around and trying to get in his life, but he never thinks of them when they are gone and away.

 

I will try harder to be less angry but it is so hard. My blood boils to think about what they did to him. He has the scars on his arm and was born with bad eyes because of his mother's attempted self-abortion and the drugs/drinking she did with him in the womb. It is hard to look at him when I am angry about this because you can SEE the effects of his evil mother and then I focus on that.

 

I think things will be better once we move out and no one can bother us anymore. But if I keep getting contacts from them, I WILL go to court, absolutely, and get that order in.

[Seraphim]

I know it is hard, but think, the anger you feel does him no good either. Take his cue on it and let it go. I know what you are going through though. It makes me angry to no end at the things my inlaws did. Things my dad did and his family ect. But they anger destroys us, they don't care. Ya know?

[Fudgie]

Well he's normally not mad but he has been very angry with them recently, then vents to me and makes me angry. He calls his mom a crack W and his grandmother a stupid alcoholic, given all the crap she has pulled on everyone. I can't wait until he can leave and cut them further out of his life. We already discussed how his grandparents won't meet mine and they won't be invited to any functions, even if we married in the far future. Her alcoholism is just too much and we can't he her around.

 

I do take solace in the fact that N is a lot like me and is content to cut out toxic family. Family isn't everything and I'm glad he sees that. If he chose to have relationships with these people out of some guilt or something stupid, I would be hesitant to be with him.