Does the initial "high" the dumper feels eventually wear off?

[Meatball105]

Yes mine too. He wanted to be independent but he was single for over two years before we met so he didn't need that he just suddenly got scared as we were talking about marriage. He said it was NOT about another girl it was about himself, finding himself he was going back to school and lost his Independence and couldn't get that with me because when he was with me he just wanted to be with me and couldn't think of anything else but putting me first. I don't really see that as a huge issue because that's a relationship but he apparently needed to find something else first.

 

How long were you guys together?

[Meatball105]

Yes mine too. He wanted to be independent but he was single for over two years before we met so he didn't need that he just suddenly got scared as we were talking about marriage. He said it was NOT about another girl it was about himself, finding himself he was going back to school and lost his Independence and couldn't get that with me because when he was with me he just wanted to be with me and couldn't think of anything else but putting me first. I don't really see that as a huge issue because that's a relationship but he apparently needed to find something else first.

 

Also, when you say, "He couldn't think of anything else but putting me first, I don't really see that as a huge issue because that's a relationship" that's kind of a flag for me.

 

That's NOT a relationship. A relationship is two individual people. Not people relying on each other and making the other person their whole life. Guys need to have lives outside their girlfriends. His own time to just go hang out without you. Too often people get caught up ALWAYS being with their significant other and that's unhealthy because that causes you to lose yourself, and that's why yours and mine are gone. We as girls need to not be so readily available, we need to go do things without them from time to time, we need to always be making them chase us and put in the effort. if we're always just around, always with them, always doing, it makes them lose respect and there's nothing for him to work for.

[unhappy2000]

Yes that's true, I tried but he never wanted to so I didn't think much about it. I would go out with friends and he stayed home so I only did that a couple of times I for sure see now that I should have pushed that more and he probably does as well. We didn't see each other much during the week just weekends and maybe one weeknight since I work full time and also go to school full time so my schedule was pretty full. So he had a lot of free time but never got himself out with his friends for some reason...Maybe he was depressed.

[wilyone 11]

When guys break off a great relationship, they often come back within about 2-3 months. You see it all the time. Plan to go NC for at least 90 days. He will likely start to really miss you at around 6-8 weeks. Ignore him if he just sends you a casual text to check in. He has to really work to get you back. Don't respond unless it's a heartfelt message. If he doesn't try to get you back within 90 days, then it's not going to happen for the foreseeable future and you should date other people.

[Meatball105]

You really think so? It's been only three weeks, tomorrow. I really hope you're right here. I was debating sending texts occasionally... just to keep it friendly. Should I even do that, or just let him come to me?

[wilyone 11]

You really think so? It's been only three weeks, tomorrow. I really hope you're right here. I was debating sending texts occasionally... just to keep it friendly. Should I even do that, or just let him come to me?

 

Just let him come to you, but you should ignore casual messages from him that are just trying to make sure you're still there. Try it for at least 90 days. He needs to really feel what life is like without you. Here are some posts I collected on the topic, because I was in this same situation myself in the past. I also included some posts from men in their 20's who broke up with a woman and sorely regretted it 3-4 months later. Hang in there. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you guys.

 

"When a man and a woman break up, no matter who did the breaking up and if the breakup wasn't due to significant other problems but mostly with him not wanting to commit, according to the author, it takes eight weeks for the man to realize his mistake, to miss you and to decide if he wants you back.

 

Here is what the author wrote:

 

"Remember that a normal, right handed, focused and logical man needs four to eight weeks to evalulate the loss of you. This is a decision of emotional significance both left lobed logic, in this case: "Do I want to call her again?" and right lobed feelings "I miss her, she is a really nice, sexy lady. Should I call her again?"

 

If he calls in two to four weeks, it means he was ready for committment and needed only to evalute things for a little while. Many men can manage four weeks apart from a woman that they care about quite easily. If he calls after six weeks, a crucial time, he has made a rational, male decision. As I said before, eight weeks is critical. If he hasn't called within that time frame, stop waiting and go on to other men and other experiences."

 

Many masculine, bullheaded men must feel the pain of loss before they realize they want to be married.

 

I must emphasize that this is a critical time, when one incorrect action on your part can extend your painful bond to the wrong man. So it is imperative that you understand what is happening during this process.

 

As I have said, it takes approximately eight weeks for a man to process his decision. For four weeks, he can usually function superfically, dating, working and living. At first, his left lobe logic says "Who needs her! I'll decide how things go between us. No woman controls me!" If he is in love with you, and not just using you for sex, but didn't 'know' he was in love, somewhere around six to eight weeks he will miss you so badly that he may call to ask to be "friends."

 

Don't do it! This rekindles your oxytocin bonding. Don't listen to his voice on his voicemail or let him listen to yours. Change your recording so he can't get a fix off of you and be able to stay away longer. Don't taste, touch, see, hear or smell him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety. Let the rubber band stretch and stretch.

 

Don't call him for any reason. If you are patient, you can control your impulsive need to reconnect before eight weeks. If you call him, you lose and he wins. Sex is all you will get and you will end up hating each other."

 

But if you don't call, as his right lobe feels the pain, he will realize why he hurts. He misses you, no one else can replace you. He must have another chance to be with you which will lead him to call you and admit that he is in love with you and wants committment.

 

However if he doesn't call in eight weeks, its over. Start duty-dating, dress up, get out and read self help books, get on with your life as a single woman. If you have had a long term relationhship, it might take as long as two years for you to get over him so don't sit around. A new love will take you away from him."

 

*******************************

I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. THEY NEED TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES OF THIS. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

*********

OK, so I broke up with my Ex-girlfriend about 4 months ago due to the fact that I didn't feel like she cared enough in the relationship. I haven't seen or have spoken to her since. For the past couple of weeks now I've been thinking about her. I don't know what it is or why but I've been so sad because she's not around.

 

I can't explain it; it's like all of the sudden these feelings came out of nowhere. I was fine for the first couple of months. Felt as though I made the right decision but now I'm thinking about her a lot. I'm not sure if it's loneliness or what. I've been even thinking about calling her and seeing how she's doing but I don't know if that's such a good idea. I don't know if she's dating someone or has a boyfriend. What should I do? Should I call her, if this stupid of me? Any advice would be appreciated....

 

***************

I dumped my girlfriend of two years in September last year as I was afraid of committing to her, and have since realised what a mistake I have made. I went through the typical 'dumper' emotions: relief, happiness...then I started to miss her and ultimately came to my senses, by which time she had moved on with her life. No new boyfriend or relationships yet, but she has taken very mature steps to get over me - despite being devastated, she never begged or pleaded to get back with me and is bettering herself and making new friends. I respect her no end for it.

 

I told her I loved her and that I had made a huge mistake but she said she had moved on too much. We said we would remain friends and initially we did, but this slowly became difficult due to my emotions getting in the way so we kind of drifted apart. Due to the pain I was feeling, I decided it would be easier for us to have NC and as a result I haven't seen her for almost two weeks. I'm planning on having NC with her for three weeks, which will take me up to Valentine's Day when I plan to drop a card through her door. The NC is killing me as I keep thinking she will forget about me altogether.

 

I know the chances of us getting back together are practically zero as I really broke her heart when I ended it and I don't think she will ever trust me again. I wish I could make her see how much I have changed and realised what I've lost - this time apart has taught me a lot and I am even getting therapy to understand my commitment issues. I really hope we can at least be friends as I love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her completely.

 

I'm losing hope that we will ever get back together but I just can't forget her. I think about her every day. I know that she is a newer, stronger person now and is totally over me, but a part of me knows she still loves me and is just terrified I will hurt her again. Do you think I'm a fool for clinging onto the hope that she will one day come back?

***************

 

im 24 years old, was dating the same girl since i was 19. we lived together for the last 2 years, and broke up only 3 months ago.

 

I just feel sick that I don't have her with me all the time, we liked all the same things got along great. We barely had any serious fights but there was a lot of little things I got in trouble for, but she already realizes that she let too much bother her. I took everything for grantit. I could have done so much more for her, I could have done so much more for myself to make us happier, But instead I decided to bail. I was happy about it for about a month and a bit, my friends all liked me more, I was a happier person, but now regret occupises my every thought. Just how stupid I was to let her go, we had a great thing going but it got boring, all we had to do is try something different. Change something. Instead I thought with my wrong head and left an amazing girl. I thought I didn't want a relationship I thought I was too young to settle down but now I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life and and let the perfect girl out of my life.

 

The thought of only being able to sleep with one person for the rest of my life made me break up with the woman I wanted to marry. I was noticing girls everywhere, flirting more and more. now i can go out and get them and i dont even want them. i just want my ex back. its on my mind all the time.

 

 

Commitment scares the hell out of me, and i let it get the better of me, now she moved away and already has a rebound guy. i feel like if i really fought i might be able to get her back, i havn't talked to her and she doesnt know im feeling like this at all..

 

What do i do here, im miserable.

[GoatDriver]

Does the same seem to be true when the girl is the dumper. I was engaged and she recently broke it off because she says she in so many words doesn't have the same feelings she used to have. She claims i was the best boyfriend she could ask for and she still loves me. I know contacting her will push her further so i'm trying my best to not text or call.

[unhappy2000]

so 6-8 weeks or 3-4 months it seems...My therapist said something similar she said 3-6 months otherwise she said she doubted it...and that's knowing him. So is it from the BU or NC? We BU 26 days ago then didn't talk for a few then we talked and so it's been NC for 21 days

[wilyone 11]

so 6-8 weeks or 3-4 months it seems...My therapist said something similar she said 3-6 months otherwise she said she doubted it...and that's knowing him. So is it from the BU or NC? We BU 26 days ago then didn't talk for a few then we talked and so it's been NC for 21 days

 

It's the breakup, but I think no contact shortens the time that they stay away.

 

I've seen so many guys break up with women and get back together with them within 3 months, it's almost predictable.

 

Prince William broke up with Kate and wanted her back 3 months later.

[wilyone 11]

Does the same seem to be true when the girl is the dumper. I was engaged and she recently broke it off because she says she in so many words doesn't have the same feelings she used to have. She claims i was the best boyfriend she could ask for and she still loves me. I know contacting her will push her further so i'm trying my best to not text or call.

 

I haven't seen this phenomenon with women as much. Women are much more in tune with their feelings. So when they're gone, they're usually gone. Men often need distance to realize how much they love someone.

[RGS]

My bf broke up with me on 7th July due to commitment issues, we spoke two weeks after and he said 'its the right decision' and I've been NC since (so 4 weeks NC and 6 weeks since BU). This seems text book what has been said in this post however I noticed he deleted me from twitter yesterday even though I rarely post on it. Does this mean he's missing me and NC is working or should I just move on now?

[gtnovru]

 

Not everyone moves at the same pace. So just be happy you can live your life. Move forward, love yourself.. and honestly, reading your story, you couldn't have done ANYTHING better. You didn't beg or plead (I did). You didn't try to convince (I did). At least you can move forward with no regrets. Be strong and if it's meant to be, it will. If it's not... you'll know it wouldn't have worked out in the first place.

 

That is SUCH a cliché thing to say, I know.. but it's very true. The reason I believe this is true is simple- if he comes back to you, it is demonstrative of the quality of your love. If he doesn't.. imagine staying with him another 5 years and this happening? We really win either way!

 

As painful as being broken up with is... it's true, if this person ended it and never comes back, then they were going to do it eventually, leave and never come back. We can take some comfort that it's happening now and not 10 or 20 years from now. I hate that my ex left me, ugggh it hurts, but we were planning our wedding at one point, so I'm glad he ended things now, so I can actually find the true love of my life, a relationship that can last. We really do win either way, even though we may not see it now.

[gtnovru]

Yeah, w t f is up with the Facebook 180? My ex very rarely got on FB when we were together, and just a few months (before BU), he even said he hated FB, and he deactivated his account. But the day after our BU, he reactivated it and is on way more. Yet I thought he "hated" it!

 

I think it's just a front. Maybe we should be more worried if they're not on it like crazy, ya know? Because FB is so fake, it's not real connecting, and anyone spending a lot of time on there isn't having real experiences, so they're not really "living it up" like it may seem.

 

I'm glad y'all have posted some numbers on here. Deep down I have some hope my ex will come back. And after X amount of time has passed and still no word, I'll know to get rid of the last shreds of hope.

[RGS]

Im not sure if knowing these numbers is a good thing. This post has been keeping me going the last few weeks even though I have also been getting on with my life and doing stuff, knowing the numbers keeps making me think 'oh I'll just give it to September etc etc' . As my mum said to me I'm probably clutching at straws but it's so hard not to when you love someone.

[gtnovru]

Whether we want to admit it or not, many of us are hanging onto some hope, it's hard not to. But I think knowing the numbers really puts it into perspective. I know the exact day of when I need to finally cut the crap and face it 100% that it's really and truly over. I'd like to realize that now, but I just can't believe it fully, not now. I think the number/date will really help me to accept it, once and for all.

 

Also, maybe having a little hope isn't completely a bad thing. Maybe it keeps us from feeling completely in the dumps, if we think maybe they'll change their mind at some point. Maybe it also motivates us to "get ready for their return". And even if they never do, we've worked on ourselves and become better, more together individuals.

[Chalk]

It helps me to think of it a bit scientifically. Our genes want to be passed down. A human child can't look after it's self initially. I've been a long term relationship and my brain is used to this security & thinks it would be a great thing to have. While I wish I could let go of all hope & stop loving. My brain will take time to rewire and my gene will take a while to realize that it might not happen. I don't want to live in a fantasy world & think he'll come back to me, me may or may not. But I'm not give myself an overly hard time about a biological process, lol. Going a little off topic there...but I suppose I'm trying to say it's okay to have hope but rationalize it and try not to put too much hope on time periods. Ya ken?

[mochi8]

It feels like you are telling my story. After 7.5 years together, my ex dropped the bomb on me back in Dec. He told me his feelings changed and he wanted to be single and hang out with friends. He isn't a clubber either, but he likes to go to friends house and hang out. (He's 30, I'm 27.) We had our ups and downs in the relationship but nothing serious.

 

Over the past 1.5 months, I have thought about the goods and bad of the relationship. I knew my problem of being needy and clingy. He felt he was forced to see me and it became a routine. We started having a routine, lazy in communication, time management, and we weren't moving forward (due to his family issue). He actually went on a one month family trip after our BU. After he came back, we had some LC, and I saw him last week to drop off an xmas gift that's been sitting in my closet for a month. He smiled and hugs our dogs. He looked a bit sad when I left, but I wasn't going to initiate "the talk". From our mutual friends, I know he's been over at their house all the time. I guess this was his way of keeping busy and living his single life.

[cam116]

^ this is pretty much what happened with me and my ex. I know what you're going through. I became a bit needy, wanting to hang out with him more because I felt we were drifting apart. I didn't see it at the time, but over the past month I've been reflecting on certain things that went wrong. We got TOO comfortable with one another. Our relationship became too routine, and while I was trying to spice up the routine, he had already pretty much checked out of the relationship and didn't want to put forth the effort. He lost his feelings, and I think I was starting to also. We have been in LC since the breakup, and are supposed to meet up this weekend for lunch and a few drinks just to catch up. He was a little reserved about the idea at first because he felt that maybe it was too soon, and didn't want any talk of the relationship to come up because that would cause us both more heartache. He told me that it wasn't because he didn't want to see me, he does want to see me, misses me and misses hanging out. I assured him that I had no intention of bringing up the relationship (I really don't). I want to exude the confidence and positivity that I've found since the BU.

 

A part of me thinks that he just wants to be single for a while, and that maybe there was a bit of cold feet involved in a sense because the honeymoon phase was long gone at that point. I'm not holding out hope that we will get back together, and I've been moving forward with my life because, what else can I do? I've been chatting and flirting with guys, and it feels good but I know I am nowhere near ready for a relationship. Anyway, I'm rambling. It's possible that after some time, they could come to the conclusion that maybe breaking up wasn't the best choice. Single life is not all it's cut out to be, especially when almost all of their friends are married/engaged and settled down (which is the case with my ex). So, I think the best thing to do is move forward as much as possible, and let things take their natural course.

[mochi8]

Cam how long were you with your ex? I felt the same way. When he started distancing, I started pushing for more attention. The day he texted me about the BU, he said he had a good 7 years and it was really hard for him to let me and the dogs go. He just didn't want to divorce 40 years later. (40 years...huh? Strange thinking).

 

I know we both broke up in good terms. If I text him, he replies right away but he never tries to initial the conversation. The last time we talked, he found out from one of our mutual friends that I had a miscarriage two weeks back. I didn't tell him because I didn't feel like it was going to change anything. He texted me back the same day he found out and asked me why I didn't tell him and how I should have told him. The next day he texted me, "I'm sorry". I haven't replied to his texts. I also just bought a house close to his so the distance and time he's been complaining is definitely not an issue.

 

I'm going to move forward. It's hard. It's like a new change but I know I can't stay here and wait for him.

[cam116]

So sorry to hear about the miscarriage! I couldn't imagine dealing with something like that while also dealing with this heartbreak You seem to be in a pretty level headed state of mind, which is good though. My ex and I were together for 5 years, living together for about 3. He had said relatively the same thing about the future, that for some reason he just didn't think we would be happy together 5 or 10 years down the road, and he was super afraid of/against marriage (I never pushed for marriage. I always told him I never cared if I ever get married, which is 100% true as long as I am happy in a committed, loving, honest relationship). Our relationship was wonderful, we gave each other space to do our own thing, if we ever fought, it was about something stupid. But anytime we had any disagreement of any kind, even just in conversation, he acted like it was the end of the world and we wouldn't work out. I'm assuming his parents constant fighting and divorce kinda gave him the idea that any disagreements would end up in a split. My ex always answers too, and most of our conversations were initiated by him. He would call about something trivial, like "hey can you leave money for the comcast bill at the apartment", and then he would carry on a 30 minute conversation from there, asking about my family and what I've been up to. I think it's good that your ex is communicating, and I'm sure he is very hurt over the breakup and the recent sad news. Did you explain to him the reason why you didn't tell him?

 

And I'm glad you're making efforts to move forward and not waiting around. I told my ex I wasn't going to wait, and he told me he would never want me to put my life on hold. It is hard, but like my ex told me: if it's meant to be it'll happen. Nothing you do or don't do at this point will change his mind, at least that's the philosophy I've adopted. If an ex decides to come back, they will do so on their own free will. Keep your time now focused on your new house: decorating, shopping etc. It will help to take your mind off of things. I think after some time he will reach out to you, especially since he's learned of your miscarriage. I know alot of people swear by the no contact rule, and if you are having the most terrible time healing from the breakup, it probably would be good to utilize. I'm trying a different approach, because I feel that communication is super important, and I am able to talk to him without it really setting me back on my healing process. So I'm giving it a try. I will be sure to update on any progress that may or may not happen. But use your best judgement

[Elektra22]

Also, why is he suddenly ALL over Facebook? The main reason I deleted him was because I didn't want to look at all the pictures we had together. But he was never active on Facebook. Rarely a status, never made comments, only the occasional "like", rarely changed his photo... now two weeks after the breakup he's on it like white on rice. He has "liked" virtually everyone's status, has changed photos, is posting about how excited he is about things coming up in life... commenting on other people's profiles... what is the point? I really don't get it.

My ex did the EXACT same thing. I can recall several times he was talking about deleting his FB account when we were still together, because he hardly ever went on it, when I did post special stuff to him on Christmas and Valentine's Day he didn't reciprocate because according to him he "just wasn't a Facebook person," yet when we broke up he not only posted stuff on his wall nonstop including youtube videos of romantic songs (which he had never done before), he also posted to tons of comments to other peoples' walls, added 30 new girls in a short span of time (whereas the entire year we were together he only added like one person), and changed his profile picture (even though he had the same one on since he had joined FB years ago). I am was baffled by his sudden need for FB and other online attention (additionally he joined over a dozen online dating and sex sites). I guess I never knew him at all and he is a total cyber attention wh**e or something. I will tell you that this sudden dramatic change in him truly disgusted me and made me realize that breaking up was a blessing in disguise on down the road.

[cam116]

It's been my experience that sometimes people use Facebook as a way to give a false impression of how their life really is. I have people who constantly post things on Facebook, like "OMG my life is sooooo wonderful and I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world!!!! We'll be together forever I love you baby!!!!" when I know, for a fact, their relationship is ANYTHING BUT rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes, people put up a front on Facebook to make others think that their life is so awesome and everything is so cheery and wonderful, when it is, infact, not. This is not always the case, but alot of times it is. He could be trying to get your attention, too. Maybe is trying to make you jealous. Or maybe he really is an online ***** lol

[mochi8]

Cam - we talked about marriage, kids, and sharing our lives together a few months back. At least yours only thought 5-10 years ahead. Mine was being so negative. 40 years. Who thinks about the marriage 40 years later. I think every relationship will have obstacles and problems throughout the lifetime and it takes two people to work together and strengthen their relationship to grow old together. There is no perfect couple or soulmate. Every relationship takes work and commitment to last a lifetime.

 

I am having a hard time accepting but I am getting better. The first few weeks I would question myself why this happen. Why would someone who loved you so many years and were happy leave a relationship? I still do not understand. I do want to contact him but I felt like if I kept initiating a conversation that wasn't going to go anywhere, why do it He tends to hide his emotions. He will look completely fine on the outside.

 

I kept asking myself if I told him about the miscarriage, is it better? Did he felt disrespected? I don't how he feels about this.

 

I'm thinking about initiating contact when I move to the new house and see how he reacts. I do wish we can sit down and talk things out. Like your relationship, we hardly fought and if we did it was over something stupid. I do miss him like crazy but I know I can't force him.

 

For now he hasn't block me on Facebook and he isn't updating much. We both have whatsapp so if does want to talk he knows where to find me however he is a bit of a wuss. He couldn't even face me because he knows I would cry.

[cam116]

Every situation is different. Personally, with something that has happened as heavy as a miscarriage, it might be a good idea to eventually sit down and talk. He might be feeling a little hurt that you didn't tell him about it since you guys had talked about kids, but I completely understand your reasons for NOT telling him. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I was in your situation. Based on our level of communication and honesty, I probably would have told him about it. But again, not being in a situation like that I don't know if I really would have. I think he still cares about you, especially after being together for 7 years, so he probably does feel pain with all of this. When are you moving? Waiting to contact until you move might be a good idea. And if you have questions that you need answered, I think every person deserves closure. If he is a good man and cares about you, he WILL give you some of his time to answer your questions. I called my ex two days after our BU, telling him that I needed to talk to him face to face RIGHT NOW, and he left his friends whom he was out with to come over to the apartment to talk to me for a half hour. If he cares, which it seems he does, he will make time to answer your questions and talk to you if you need closure. And, given the circumstances, I have very little doubt that he will deny talking to you. I wouldn't pressure him though. But if he is answering your texts pretty quickly, I think he will be okay with talking when you feel the time is right. If you are moving soon, I think it is a good idea to wait until after the move, when things in your life have settled a bit and the anxiety has gone down some.

[mochi8]

Yes I want to sit down and talk any when I saw him last week to give him the gift. I blanked out. I let my emotions take control. I know he was forcing a smile to show me. I know he looked happy to see me and the dogs.

 

I am closing the deal next week so I might start moving down next week to do some renovation.