Does the initial "high" the dumper feels eventually wear off?

[mochi8]

So yesterday I did replied his last text (i'm sorry - about the miscarriage) back saying I'm sorry. He replied right away and asked why and when am I moving down and my pictures (our dogs) are cute. I texted him later that I'm moving down end of the month.

 

How should approach him about meet up to chat?

[cam116]

So yesterday I did replied his last text (i'm sorry - about the miscarriage) back saying I'm sorry. He replied right away and asked why and when am I moving down and my pictures (our dogs) are cute. I texted him later that I'm moving down end of the month.

 

How should approach him about meet up to chat?

 

I think you should maybe wait and see if HE tries to initiate a meet up. I wouldn't put any pressure on him at the moment. If he doesn't try to initiate anything by the time you move, wait until you're settled in and then maybe try to call him and set something up. If that happens and he asks why you waited so long to talk to him, just tell him that you were really busy and anxious about the move, and wanted to wait until you were more settled and in a better state of mind. I would personally wait and see if he tries to initiate a meet up, which I think there is a good chance he will.

[mochi8]

Well I made a quilt for him last month and have it to him last week. I initiate the text yesterday.

 

Me: I'm sorry (about not telling him about my miscarriage)

Him: why?

Him: when are you moving down?

Him: that's a cute picture.

Me: end of January.

Him: oic

 

An hour later...

Me: did you see the dogs on the quilt?

Him: yes.

Him: I hanged it on the wall in my room.

Him: did you make it?

Me: yes

Him: the craftsmanship is really good.

Me: sewing machine

Him: oic

 

Two hrs later...

Him: how are you?

 

One hr later...

Him: ....

 

Two hrs later...

Me: I'm fine. Excited about moving down with the dogs.

 

What do you thin? I realize he is such a wuss. He is so afraid to start a conversation. I ended the conversation.

 

 

So today he also initiate text because I am about to move down soon and miscalculated my closing costs for the house. I needed him to cash out one of my stock account (which he still manages for me). Unfortunately, I won't be able to get the money in time to wire to title company for the new house. He called and texted me about the payment. He even called his friend to help me find out about the payment process. I know it was last minute for me to ask him, since he kept asking me why I didn't tell him to cash out the stock two weeks ago, so I can have enough money.

 

After work, I stopped by his house to pick up and the check. He looks a bit mad. I don't know if it was because of this. Anyways, I took the check and left. I am a bit confuse.

[Minx2012]

To the OP :

 

I am in the exact same situation as you....In fact, I could have written your post myself. But my ex and I are both in our 30s. So you see, in your 30s ( just like in your 20s ), the whole " needing to find myself " / " self-journey " is just as imminent. It's a scary thing altogether. However, in order to be wise, knowledgeable and better human beings, we do have to go through the difficulties of the END of the relationship. We always learn something new.

 

To answer your question : I believe that MOST dumpers do go through the " high " of being free for a bit but in time, it wears off and that's where they start to sit back and think back to the ex they dumped. It might be due to growing loneliness or dissatisfaction with recent dates that have not ended so well. I think that when exes start to have the " grass is greener on the other side " syndrome, just a few months or even year towards the end of a relationship, they can only envision the positive aspects, naturally : Dating "new", "hotter" or seemingly "much more exciting / fascinating " people ( without thinking that it's the NOVELTY that makes other people look attractive in the first place ).....or they yearn for "freedom" ( only to find that they are very much alone in their sense of " freedom " ).....or they yearn for some excitement ( without not realising that excitement also carries new challenges that may or may not be so pleasant ) etc. The thing is, this high wears off when the reality hits : They will find someone new, they will go through the honeymoon phase and then they will hit the reality. Once they hit the reality, that's when they start thinking back to the ex , " Was she/he really that bad? Did I get rid of that person before I had a chance to really value that person? What was the most wonderful thing about my ex that this new one doesn't have? ". And that's when they start to yearn for you ( or maybe not ).

 

But whether they yearn for you in the smallest of ways......IT IS NOT OUT OF LOVE OR REALIZATION OF DEEP LOVE. It is merely because they have reached a point in their lives where they are slightly disillusioned with the " grass is greener " situation.

 

So, don't even bank on it. Move on. You seem to be doing the right / strong thing by going NC. I think that you are admirable in this respect.

[Minx2012]

To be quite honest, many believe that women are these "ga-ga-goo-goo" eyed when it comes to the idea of romance, love and relationships. However, I think that we women, are actually THE MORE PRACTICAL out of the sexes when it comes to love. My ex dumped me just 2 days after New Year's, after 6 years. We have been together for 4 years ( living in the same country ) and then did the long-distance for 2 years after deciding that WE WANT A LIFE TOGETHER WITH BETTER CAREER OPPORTUNITIES. In the last 2 years, I have started to build up my career exponentially in international finance abroad ( I am living abroad in one of the biggest, most glamorous, cosmopolitan, mega global city in the world ). He is on his way to becoming a doctor ( he is in the 2nd year of his 5 year study ). The plan was for me to work and build enough capital to move to HIS country and then we could be together. We even had an end in sight : August 2013. The long distance was excruciatingly hard and I found that I was the more level-headed, highly optimistic, forward thinking one. Due to the fact that I am getting paid a fair bit with my job as an international financier for one of the largest bank in the world, I always took the initiative, time and money to visit him. We saw each other 3 - 4 times a year, even though we are separated by continents and oceans. So here I am, working very hard on the DREAM and the PLANS that WE both decided on when we left the previous country where we lived together for 4 years. And believe me : Our relationship ( as depicted through photographs on FB and all those who knew us ) has been a most passionate, whirlwind one where we traveled the far reaches of the world ( as we traveled around the world together - backpacking ) and having an insane amount of money. Even the breakup was considered " beautiful "...with us, holding onto each other, crying for three days in each other's arms, kissing, hugging, doing it etc.

 

SO, for me, it was VERY PRACTICAL to keep on holding onto the relationship EVEN though there were telling, disturbing signs underneath all that passion and love. The telling signs were ON HIM. He is ultimately emotionally immature to handle the long-term relationship ( i.e. long-term towards marriage ). He is emotionally immature to divulge his fears and gave up. But most importantly, he must have fallen out of love and for this HE IS IMPRACTICAL.

 

Men often leave the relationships when they feel that they no longer have that " teenage, giddy spark " that most people MISTAKEN for " being in love ". For me, being in love is that it changes into something greater, deeper, more complex. I could look at him, see the smile wrinkles at the edges of his eyes and see the joys, challenges and battles that we both went through together over the years, making us into much wiser, more interesting or more fascinating people. The funny thing is that when we saw each other, we can't get our hands off each other despite that it's not in the likes of " teenage, giddiness " that characterised our first 2 years of relationship where we didn't even leave the apt for days bc we would just stare at each other, naked, in the bedroom. That happens to ALL relationships...the beginning is always a blissful stupor or time of hypnotism. But the reality is not necessarily ugly.....!

 

However, as I mentioned before, men can be impractical when it comes to relationship. If they only stopped to look that 7 YEARS is a tiny fraction in the time span of a life...then they would have to deal with the fact that in the future, when he is around mid 30s, when they find someone, and they reach the 7 years, will they AGAIN dump that person bc they no longer feel the spark? Why not see what happens after the 7 years? Why not see how each other grows into much more interesting people?

[mochi8]

I agree with you. With my ex, he did seems to kept himself very busy. He doesn't go home much (there are so much memories of us) inside his house. I used to lived there for a few months with his family. He was doing this to keep himself busy. I told him before long term relationship takes a lot of work. It takes more work than before because we becomes so comfortable with each other.

 

I also mention something similar. even if you decide to marry someone before you reach 7 years, you will also hit this stage. Keeping it together for so many years is hard. It isn't easy. Why do you think the divorce rates are so high?

 

By the way, I'm guessing he's home tonight. He suddenly out of no where text me , "What are you doing?" I guess it is impossible to avoid it.

[cam116]

So I had drinks and lunch yesterday with the ex, and it went exactly how I expected it to go. We ate. We drank. We smiled. We laughed. He seemed a little teary eyed when we first met up, but I kept a very lighthearted tone and cracked some joked to ease the tension. We sat down at the table, and chit chatted away while eating food and drinking for two hours. We just talked about everything that has gone on in our lives over the past month. I also found out, through a few of his comments, that he's been checking out my facebook from time to time. Which, made me feel good for some reason. Anyhoo, we walked out to the parking lot together, and hugged goodbye. He said he had a really great time, and was surprised that this meeting didn't end up in a fight about the relationship. I had told him earlier in the week that I had no intention bringing up the relationship during this meet up. I just wanted us to catch up, and see how comfortable we were with one another. Needless to say, this whole meeting went on as if nothing had happened between us. It was so relaxed and fun. He was legitimately surprised at how well I was able to keep myself, and I made damn sure that I kept a very fun, lighthearted attitude throughout the whole thing. So we hugged goodbye, and he said we'll be in touch soon, we'll do this again soon. And we parted ways.

 

Overall, like I said, it went exactly how I imagined, and I could tell he was happy to hang out with me. I'm so grateful to have him in my life, even if we're not together. I've come to the realization that we are not meant to be together, at least for this time. If something comes up in the future, and we've both grown enough and are in a position where we want to try again, than so be it. But for now, I'm so glad that we were able to enjoy one anothers company so well. I felt like a giddy school girl as I was getting ready for our "date". Butterflies and everything! It was wild, but I felt at ease as soon as I saw him. I don't expect him to ever come back, and if he were to, I don't know that I would even WANT him back. But he is such a big part of my life, and I'm so glad that this meeting went well.

 

NOW. I really wanted to text him a "thank you for meeting up with me and having such a great time" text. But, I think I should just lay low and see what he says to me/when he contacts me. Should I just shoot him a quick "thank you" text tomorrow? Or just play it aloof?

[mochi8]

Hi Cam. That's great you two had a wonderful time together. I would leave the texting to him. Any texts you send after the date might give him the wrong idea. I would let him do the chasing. If he had fun I think he will text you back.

[mochi8]

Cam - could you please give me suggestion?

 

Last week I finally signed the final documents for the house. He also texted me a few times asking me about when I will sign the documents. I replied him and also tested water by asking him, "do you want to see?" He replied back, "do you have keys?" I didn't replied him and then he asked about our dogs an hour later. Also last Friday, he randomly texted me at night what are you doing? I actually just got home from a fellowship at a friends house.

 

I am moving in this weekend. Should I ask him to stop by so we can chat?

[cam116]

Cam - could you please give me suggestion?

 

Last week I finally signed the final documents for the house. He also texted me a few times asking me about when I will sign the documents. I replied him and also tested water by asking him, "do you want to see?" He replied back, "do you have keys?" I didn't replied him and then he asked about our dogs an hour later. Also last Friday, he randomly texted me at night what are you doing? I actually just got home from a fellowship at a friends house.

 

I am moving in this weekend. Should I ask him to stop by so we can chat?

 

He SOUNDS like he's trying to reach out in some way. Normally, I would wait and see if he suggests a meeting, but he's been contacting you already. Could you ask him to help you move some things? He lives nearby right? Maybe if he agrees to help you move some things, that will be a good way to "meet up". Then, maybe you could gauge his level of comfort with you, and see where it goes from there. Is that a possibility?

[mochi8]

I will try. I did hire some movers to help me move but I want to show him the house before I move in. He randomly text me about hi sister dog, because we have two dogs together.

 

I feel so confuse with his actions. I do want someone to talk to him and find out how he feels.

[mochi8]

I didn't reply him. Whenever I didn't reply him, he will send me another text an hour later asking about one of our dogs. He did this 4 to 5 times. So strange.

[ist17]

Yes that's true, I tried but he never wanted to so I didn't think much about it. I would go out with friends and he stayed home so I only did that a couple of times I for sure see now that I should have pushed that more and he probably does as well. We didn't see each other much during the week just weekends and maybe one weeknight since I work full time and also go to school full time so my schedule was pretty full. So he had a lot of free time but never got himself out with his friends for some reason...Maybe he was depressed.

 

Can i ask what ended up happening with you and your ex in the end?

[ist17]

This sounds similar except that we didn't date that long. It was only about a year with the first 5 months LD due to work. He also told me his feelings changed and he's not a clubber but loves hanging out with his buddies. Going out drinking with the guys and just hanging out, missed being single probably but lost feelings for me. Us hanging out seemed to become something he felt obligated to do and driving an hour to see me was hard on him because of so much going on plus money and gas. Did anything ever happen with you guys?