Wondering how many of you met online before meeting in person...

[sandrawg]

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me..I met someone on Facebook a week ago, and we've been texting/emailing/talking on the phone like crazy. He's amazing and is really into me, and I like him a lot, too. Right now, he's in Texas, but he's getting ready to move to Portland.

 

I'm in Maryland, dealing with a family illness, though my permanent residence is in L.A. I'm renting it out while I deal with my family stuff.

 

He says he has feelings for me, and while I definitely want to get to know him, I'm wondering if it's possible to have feelings for someone you haven't even met?

 

I've heard stories of people who met someone online and developed a relationship before meeting--can this work out?

[Huntress0527]

I met my husband through an MMO. I had no intentions of meeting someone that way but we had a common interest and as we got to know one another the feelings grew. We knew each other on and off as friends for roughly 3 years until we both go out of relationships and started talking more. He came to visit me and then 3 months later he moved in with me to my state. We had to see if the online feelings were real and see how we would be in person with one another. He lived about a 10 hr drive from me. He's now been here 2 and 1/2 years and we've been married for over 7 months.

[sandrawg]

Wow! congratulations!

 

Yeah, I kind of feel like I need to see how we are in person, but that won't happen til the fall, since he's in the process of moving. I won't be able to see him til he's settled into Portland. The more I get to know him through the phone and chat, tho, the more I find out we have in common.

 

I met my husband through an MMO. I had no intentions of meeting someone that way but we had a common interest and as we got to know one another the feelings grew. We knew each other on and off as friends for roughly 3 years until we both go out of relationships and started talking more. He came to visit me and then 3 months later he moved in with me to my state. We had to see if the online feelings were real and see how we would be in person with one another. He lived about a 10 hr drive from me. He's now been here 2 and 1/2 years and we've been married for over 7 months.

[OptomisticGirl]

I met my husband on here. We actually started dating before we met in person (started dating about a month after we met online). We knew it was a risk (because the emotoins might not have transferred over into real life) but we took it. We met 5 months after meeting on here (he lives in England, I live in the States so a 5 hour time difference). We are still LD even though we were married this past October (moving issues) so we've been LD for 2 1/2 years now (will be 3 by the time he moves here) next year.

[sandrawg]

Wowww! That's amazing..you not only have a long-distance relationship. You have

a long distance marriage! Kudos to you for making that work!

 

I met my husband on here. We actually started dating before we met in person (started dating about a month after we met online). We knew it was a risk (because the emotoins might not have transferred over into real life) but we took it. We met 5 months after meeting on here (he lives in England, I live in the States so a 5 hour time difference). We are still LD even though we were married this past October (moving issues) so we've been LD for 2 1/2 years now (will be 3 by the time he moves here) next year.

[Batya33]

I don't believe two people can develop a romantic relationship without meeting and dating in person and the physical intimacy is the least of it. I do think people can develop strong friendships on line and have romantic feelings for the online persona (but the friendship certainly can be real as I don't think you have to meet in person to be close friends). I know of several people who had romantic interactions on line for a long time - years in one case I know of -and met only once or twice or not at all. Certainly people who first interact on line can go on to have healthy and happy romantic relationships and marriages but I would treat the first meeting as the same as if they met after talking briefly on line -meaning, all that typing and talking can raise expectations as to how it will be in person but often has little relevance to whether it will work out in person. I think it's sad when people feel that talking and typing on line helps avoid the "problems" of "the physical" getting in the way -what a cynical view of the role of chemistry and physical intimacy in a romantic relationship!

[Huntress0527]

Wow! congratulations!

 

Yeah, I kind of feel like I need to see how we are in person, but that won't happen til the fall, since he's in the process of moving. I won't be able to see him til he's settled into Portland. The more I get to know him through the phone and chat, tho, the more I find out we have in common.

 

Thanks! I think the important thing is to realize that when you meet in person it may not work out. We both felt so strongly for one another prior but we didn't know if they would fizzle once we saw one another for the first time but lucky for us the opposite happened and the feelings grew. That's how we knew it was real and wanted to be together.

[Stay_home]

It can happen, trust me. The two of you meeting someday can happen. And yes it's possible to develop a crush or feelings for someone online that you've never met in person before. You're still talking to, learning and getting to know this person so what's really the difference? I've met some women online in which beforehand through trading numerous messages there was just this "feel" that I got from talking with them. Then of course, your imagination travels and your mind wanders miles away to where they are and wondering what they're doing. It can happen, trust me. If anything, I regret not taking some of the chances to meet a few of these women. If you really would like to meet this person someday, keep in touch, but plan accordingly and just remember to be wise about your decisions to meet and to do it safely.

[Unknown1607307972]

I met my boyfriend online (on a forum, not this one), we lived in two different countries. We met up after a few months of talking and were long distance for two years. Now we've been living together for over a year and things are still great, so it can work out!

[OptomisticGirl]

Wowww! That's amazing..you not only have a long-distance relationship. You have

a long distance marriage! Kudos to you for making that work!

 

As Huntress said, the biggest thing is preparing yourself for the chance those feelings may not transfer over. They do sometimes (as Huntress and I are the case) and I can honestly say my feelings from before I met my husband to after we physically met were no different.

[Batya33]

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me..I met someone on Facebook a week ago, and we've been texting/emailing/talking on the phone like crazy. He's amazing and is really into me, and I like him a lot, too. Right now, he's in Texas, but he's getting ready to move to Portland.

 

I'm in Maryland, dealing with a family illness, though my permanent residence is in L.A. I'm renting it out while I deal with my family stuff.

 

He says he has feelings for me, and while I definitely want to get to know him, I'm wondering if it's possible to have feelings for someone you haven't even met?

 

I've heard stories of people who met someone online and developed a relationship before meeting--can this work out?

 

The best thing to do IMO is meet ASAP in person and treat the first meet as if you were meeting a stranger for the first time and keep that level of expectations. If it goes well, continue spending the day together. I wouldn't get in his car or let him get in yours, or stay in a hotel or go to a private place with him until you've had at least a few dates in person.

[sandrawg]

I understand what you're saying, and I know it's true that very often, people put forth a persona online that may be far from what they are like in real llife.

 

I don't think he and I will be able to meet til the fall, so...that will maybe give me more time to dig underneath the online persona.

[Batya33]

I understand what you're saying, and I know it's true that very often, people put forth a persona online that may be far from what they are like in real llife.

 

I don't think he and I will be able to meet til the fall, so...that will maybe give me more time to dig underneath the online persona.

 

Well that could be one reason why but even if he is his genuine self there is so much about body language/vibes/energy and seeing how he interacts with people in public including you, waiters, friends who call him, strangers, etc - so many many examples of this that you can never learn from typing and talking.

If you can't meet until the fall (why not?) then I would limit your interaction to one phone call a week so that you don't get too attached to the typing/talking and neither does he. I wouldn't try to get to know him deeply through typing and talking -just make sure you know him well enough to be comfortable meeting him for an hour in person.

[SparksFly]

I haven't met anybody from online before (although I would), but it's definitely possible to develop strong feelings for them from experience. You guys should give it a go, because there are many couples that are in a relationship after meeting their partner online.

[sandrawg]

I can't see him til the fall cuz he's in the process of moving and preoccupied with packing, etc. He'll be settled in, in Portland, in the fall.

 

Well that could be one reason why but even if he is his genuine self there is so much about body language/vibes/energy and seeing how he interacts with people in public including you, waiters, friends who call him, strangers, etc - so many many examples of this that you can never learn from typing and talking.

If you can't meet until the fall (why not?) then I would limit your interaction to one phone call a week so that you don't get too attached to the typing/talking and neither does he. I wouldn't try to get to know him deeply through typing and talking -just make sure you know him well enough to be comfortable meeting him for an hour in person.

[sandrawg]

Really, really good advice, you guys...thank you!!! I will definitely proceed cautiously, and safely. I'm glad to hear it has worked out for some people-gives me hope

[Batya33]

I can't see him til the fall cuz he's in the process of moving and preoccupied with packing, etc. He'll be settled in, in Portland, in the fall.

 

He needs 4 months to pack? I would find a way to meet halfway and meet within a month.

[carolinadream]

You can definitely develop strong feelings for someone you only know through online contact. It has happened to me more than once, and I am not some flighty crazy person - I am logical, stable, and very settled in my life.

 

I met a man through an online dating site in Sept 2009. We developed strong feelings very quickly, and it was important to me to meet him in person as soon as possible to see if what we were feeling was real. Only problem: He lived in Arkansas and I lived in Virginia. Nevertheless, I flew out to see him after talking daily for a month. I spent 4 days with him, enough to know that the feelings were real, and even stronger in person than online. Monkey wrenches were thrown into the machinery - and he needed to return to the west coast to nurse an ailing parent, so our feelings were put on hold, as I could not leave my job, my home, and my family on the east coast. Time has passed... we have dated other people, but remained in contact with each other... and we both know that our feelings are stronger than ever. He'll be coming to visit next month, and we are planning for him to move in with me when his family situation resolves.... and we will plan our wedding.

 

I did not trust these feelings 2 1/2 years ago - it was too fast, too strange, too incredible to think that I could feel that certain about someone I'd only known for a month, through online contact. But now, time has passed, and he is the same person now that I knew then... and I feel lucky to have a second chance to fix what I did not grab the first time it went by me. I am not going to miss it this time.

[Divine010]

I agree with Batya, if it's possible to try and meet him in person, that would definitely help you make a decision to invest anymore time with this person. But you are a smart girl and like everyone said just proceed with caution.

 

It's been 3 1/2 months for me since my BU and I met someone on a dating website, and I only hang out with guys locally, but you can't control who you have feelings for or attracted to if they are in another country. It just happens! But luckily this guy is in my state and we exchanged phone numbers right away, which I don't do alot and we have been talking for the last few weeks and finally met this weekend. I usually like to meet the guy and get it out of the way, that way no wasting time if he is not a match for me. But there was chemistry and it's been going good. I can't believe I thought I would meet someone that I click with after such a short time. But I am too proceeding with caution and not expecting alot or move to fast, since I am still trying to heal. But I have to admit, I am glad I found someone that I can actually vibe with.

 

I wish it works out for you! Keep us posted.

[sandrawg]

Wow, we have a lot in common! It's been almost 4 months since my break-up, so I too am proceeding with caution. I talk to him every day now, and the commonalities we have are astounding. We just love talking to each other. He thinks I'm beautiful and seems to accept me as I am--trust me, i've tried to be as honest as I can about my faults, and he's not scared away yet lol

 

One reason he doesn't want to meet me til he gets to Portland is that he's staying with his father, whom he doesn't get along with (his father abused him as a child but they've since reconciled.) I think that he feels he's not himself where he is now, and he wants to be totally and completely free and happy when he meets me. I would try to get him to come here, but I know he really does have a lot to do before he moves.

[Batya33]

Obviously there's nothing wrong with having a chat buddy you flirt with. It will cut into your time to meet people in real life and will decrease your motivation to be out there meeting other people but it's your time to spend as you wish of course.

[Divine010]

Well I am soo excited for you that you found someone that you click with after a few months. Congrats.

However, regardless of his complications or life circumstances, I will have to agree with Batya, that he is not making you a priority by simply coming to see you or making plans too. So you shouldn't make him your only option Sandrawg. I think we can get so caught up in how much attention a person is giving us and the time we talk to a person, that there's definitely chemsitry and can eventually turn into romance, but I have to question a man, when he is not going out of his way to see me, even if he is states away. That is a long time to wait to see someone.

 

I don't want to sugar coat this, being understanding is one thing but just don't settle either. If he made the effort to start a conversation with you and is showing interest, well he's got to put in the work or even offer you to come and see him! Eitherway, he has to make that effort!

 

Even though I vibe with this guy that I am currently talking to, he is not my only option and because I made the mistake of putting all of my eggs in one basket with my ex, I am definitely going to see other men in the mean time, just so that I won't invest too much time in someone who is not making me their #1. You got to look out for yourself. And waiting and being patience for this guy may be worth it and maybe not. So do what is comfortable for you and not for him.

 

It may sound demanding but, you just gotten out of relationship that wasn't working and this time you know what you want. So try to keep some prespective, if the new guy isn't making an effort to see you in the next few months, then maybe you should keep your options open or have a plan B and C. Just in case.

 

All the best sweetie!

[sandrawg]

He is making the effort in terms of, talking and IMing and Skype'ing..we spend a lot of time communicating, and the more we do, the closer I'm getting to him and liking him more and more.

 

He changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship" to signify that he is waiting for me, but he doesn't expect me to do the same.

 

Right now, he's living with his dad while he gets his life in order to move to Portland. He prefers that I wait til then to meet him cuz he doesn't feel like himself with his dad-they don't get along. He'll be in Portland in September--that doesn't seem like a huge amount of time to wait. In the meantime, yeah, I'll still live my life as I usually do, and still be getting to know him like I've been doing.

 

I may see if there is any way he can come out to see me, but I bet it's a matter of money. He's not all that flush with cash, and he really wants to just get out of his dad's house and get to Portland ASAP.

[Batya33]

Yes he is putting in effort to be a friend to you. Until you meet in person,for many reasons, you won't know if you have what it takes for a romantic relationship. As I wrote above, his looks and whether he is lying about who he is are really the least of the reasons. What is of concern is that he is focused on typing and talking for this long period of time and into the future, and playing at being a couple with no concrete plans to meet any time soon.

 

And your willingness to go along with it makes me wonder about whether you're more comfortable with the fantasy aspects than the reality - this type of interaction is far easier than dating in person and getting to know each other that way. It might seem harder in certain ways but as far as the work of developing a serious romantic relationship in person, it is far easier IMO and allows you to build up an image of him in your head, no matter how much typing and talking you do, that might or might not jibe with reality. You both know that on some level so as time passes there's a real risk of complacency -why meet when you get to play at being in a romantic relationship and have the FB statuses and all that.

 

Obviously there are exceptions but think hard about any patterns you have in previous relationships and why you're willing to type and talk to a near stranger (a stranger for purposes of discerning romantic compatibility -obviously you can develop a friendship) for all this time and forego other opportunities? If the answer is you aren't really looking for a serious relationship then it's totally understandable. But I don't think that's the case. Just some things to think about -again there are exceptions but if I were of a certain age especially I wouldn't risk the low chance of being an exception in this particular case.

 

I met and dated about 100 men through on line sites. I waited for 6 weeks once before meeting - it worked out for a few months and we didn't communicate daily for 6 weeks - probably about 3 - and we both dated others in the meanwhile. I met many men in person who I had awesome phone calls and emails with but we didn't click in person and not typically because of lying or "looks". I am friends with someone long distance who I originally "met" through a dating site but we quickly decided we shouldn't date and just stayed in touch as friends -it's been a very rewarding friendship and we met once in person a few years ago. One of my friends is in her late 40s and struggling to get pregnant with her new husband.

 

She spent 3 years in her early 40s typing and talking to a guy online who she met once in person and who she referred to as her "boyfriend" - she lived in a major city and would say no when I tried to set her up with people. He loved the flattering attention she gave him -they were in touch daily -and he had many excuses (including having to do with plans to move) as to why they couldn't meet again- she flew to meet him by the way. I have other examples like that and then of course there are the relationships that work out after typing and talking for a long time. Again there's nothing wrong with it -it's your time to spend but I disagree that he is putting in effort to be in a potential romantic relationship with you (as opposed to a friendship).

[OptomisticGirl]

Only the two of you know the situation. My husband and I met online in Jan and weren't able to meet in person until June due to money and work issues.