Tired of the disappointment

[TiredOfGames]

We last spent time together almost 2 Sundays ago. Hanging out at my place, dinner downtown, back to my place etc. Saw her briefly a few nights ago, first time in 1.5 weeks. We hugged, kissed, spoke about plans for this weekend and spending time together. She works at a hospital and so has varying shifts. For the last few weeks she has been working night shifts. This makes seeing one another difficult. We are both quite independent, and she is very close to her family, which means that she tries to see them as much as possible also given her awkward work schedule. This I understand and I am willing to work with. She has apologized for her crappy schedule, for not being able to see one another that much, and she feels bad about that. I am very understanding in this and it really is okay.

 

However, when I saw her after one of her evening shifts (very late at night) she spoke of feeling drained and wanting to just hang out one day this weekend; play games, watch movies etc. That's cool, I could do with a little downtime myself, and any time with her is most enjoyable and welcomed. I sent her a text earlier this evening just saying that I hope her shift is going well etc. She responded with a "need to speak with you about this weekend. Can't now. Will text you in the morning". Now without getting into the details of the past month since we met, this text sounds like I will not be seeing her this weekend. Something else has come up, I don't know what, but I'm anticipating her backing out of any time together this weekend., She is working her evening shift all weekend, so we were going to spend a large chunk of either Saturday or Sunday together. All her idea too; with her awkward schedule I've been leaving things up to her availability.

 

I guess I feel disappointed. As soon as I received her last text, disappointment set in. I may be reading into it more than I should, and maybe we will see each other, but my gut tells me otherwise, and my gut has proven to be right on a majority of occasions in the past. I am anticipating a disappointing text in the morning. I'm really only posting this to rant, to air my thoughts and feelings, hoping that in some way it will help me sleep and calm my mind. If she wanted to spend time with me she would make the effort. Looking at this and past relationships, I'm just tired of the disappointment.

 

ToG

[chitown9]

OP, I got the same feeling too when I read your post. It sounds like she is setting you up for a disapointment. It could just be that she really is just to busy to have time for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Disappointment is a state you choose to be in. You have choices here. What are you going to do?

[TiredOfGames]

OP, I got the same feeling too when I read your post. It sounds like she is setting you up for a disapointment. It could just be that she really is just to busy to have time for you.

 

Yes, that is how I feel. She works from 5pm until midnight and she wouldn't have planned to spend time with me during the day had she already been busy. So if she is now busy, it's after the fact. I have other things I can do during the day before seeing friends in the evening, so I'll just keep those plans in mind until after I hear from her.

 

Disappointment is a state you choose to be in. You have choices here. What are you going to do?

 

Ahh Ms Darcy, the voice of reason! Thank-you, as ever, for reading my post and replying. You are indeed correct; I know this, I tell myself this. Why I fall into a state of disappointment I do not know, but it's a state that deters and plagues me from putting myself on the line with new, possibly good, relationships. But I will pick myself up, and I do in fact feel better already for having put my feelings into words and knowing that others have read them and responded. It's very simple, but it helps immensely.

 

I'm putting myself into a better state of mind already, before I go to sleep. First thing in the morning I will be getting up and going to the gym. I had planned on doing this already anyway. What will be will be as far as communication goes with 'her', and I will just let my day unfold accordingly. In the event that she does indeed back out of spending time together, I will respect that and carry on with my day. Water off of a duck's back. It's the weekend, and I plan on enjoying it regardless. I choose to not be disappointed, not right now, and not come morning. I'm just glad I've had time to prepare for this better state of mind beforehand!

 

ToG

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you for expressing your emotions and then letting them go. That is a skill.

[DN]

I think she was wrong to leave you hanging like that and it doesn't say much for her relationship/inter-personal skills. While she is leaving you dangling you could be making other plans if she is going to flake on you.

 

I guess what you have to do is to decide whether she is willing to make the time to see you - because if she were really interested in you she would.

[EmotionalCreature]

I think she was wrong to leave you hanging like that and it doesn't say much for her relationship/inter-personal skills. While she is leaving you dangling you could be making other plans if she is going to flake on you.

 

I guess what you have to do is to decide whether she is willing to make the time to see you - because if she were really interested in you she would.

 

This, it is respect, being considerate of another person's time, and it is a quality. Whether she is flaking or simply too busy, it isn't that difficult to tell you she isn't sure if she can hang out, or just tell you she can't make it. Going to bed with a question mark hanging over your head and not knowing where to slot things into your day isn't a great feeling.

 

As long as it's not a common occurrence.

[TiredOfGames]

Thanks DN and EC, you are exactly right. It is a respect thing, or lack thereof in this case. I thought of this first thing upon waking this morning. She could easily have let me know either way in her text message. At this point it is not common; this is the first time she's left me hanging the day before something planned together.

 

I'm not sure what my response will be if she does indeed flake on our plans. I've yet to hear from her so my day is still somewhat up in the air. I'll begin solidifying other plans if I've not heard anything by a certain point. For now a cup of tea and a new book!

 

ToG

[DN]

If I were you I would make other plans and stick to them even if she doesn't flake - just say that you assumed she was going to call off the date and didn't want to be sitting at home.

[SnowWhite7]

I agree with DN

[EmotionalCreature]

I agree with DN

 

Sorry, but I don't agree. If you expect respect, then you also have to give it. Check with her first if she will be free, if she can't tell you then you can tell her that you'll make other plans.

 

Having a backbone doesn't mean you have to get down to someone's level. But that's just my opinion.

[DN]

It isn't respectful to leave people hanging but it isn't disrespectful to make a reasonable assumption that someone is going to flake on you and to make other plans.

[TiredOfGames]

My better-late-than-never update (and thanks for your previous replies/input)...

 

So last Saturday we met and she broke up with me. She said "I can't date you". I allowed myself to grow attached to this person quite quickly, even though I tried telling myself not to too much, and certainly not this early on. It just happened.

 

I've spent several days sorting through my thoughts and feelings, plus I've been trying to keep busy with friends. I'm currently laid up with a sports related injury so I can't spend time and energy running and biking like I normally would. The running especially eases my mind and clears my head, so not having that activity in particular hasn't helped. But I'm alive and what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. Just requires some time too.

 

I decided to wait that morning; she has been one of the most honest and reliable people I have ever met so I made myself busy while waiting for her to text me, which she did at 11:40am. She can't date me because she finds serious commitment stressful, and she has said before that she is just not good at relationships. She has a very haphazard work schedule (hospital shifts that vary on a weekly basis) and she's very close to her family (sisters, cousins, etc. who are more like best friends to her). Her work schedule makes it difficult to see them outside of any normal working hours and so the time she does have available is usually spent seeing family and a small group of close friends. She finds it difficult fitting someone else into her life and doesn't want the worry or concern about that person's time, not being able to see them on a consistent basis, and possibly hurting their feelings in the process etc. She has been single for so long that she's used to that life and finds it stressful trying to date someone on any serious level. She feels like she should want to make time to see me but she doesn't feel that 'want' to. She hasn't felt the 'want to' with anyone and thinks she is just one of those people who is content with just being single. She doesn't know why she's that way, or if that's how she'll always be. She wanted to tell me these things in person and I really respect her for doing so. Not many people would.

 

I was going to recap the week leading up to last Saturday, but it's likely meaningless. We did see each other briefly late that Wednesday night (three days before BU). She had a work event that evening and said she'd call if it didn't run too late. The night was drawing late and I had given up hope of hearing from her, but to my surprise she called at 11:40pm. I had been out with friends and was on my way home, as was she. We chatted the whole way and shortly after pulling into my apartment complex she drove in too. We met in the parking below our building (did I mention that we happen to live in the same complex and building??) where we chatted for a bit. She was still sick so I gave her a big hug. Then we kissed for a short time too. As with every other encounter before there was a lot of affection and the kiss was long and passionate.

 

During our conversation on Saturday she said that she has never met anyone like me before. Nobody has complimented or treated her in the way that I have, and we just click with every conversation and interaction. We have a lot of fun together and have never been lost for words. She thoroughly enjoys my company every time, as do I with her. She also said a couple of times that she might regret this decision later on.

 

I fully respected her decision and kept a calm demeanor throughout, even though I was feeling disappointed and broken inside. I told her not to worry about me and that I would be perfectly fine, and so would she. Before leaving my apartment she gave me a big, long hug. She never once mentioned remaining friends; just said that she'd probably bump into me at the coffee shop (where we are regulars and where we met). For some reason I said maybe, but I don't go there as often as I used to. I'm not sure why I said that; a tad defensive on my part, self-protecting perhaps.

 

She is/was certainly into me as much as I was into her. I'm wondering if this is why she never mentioned possible friendship, to protect herself. Could this be why she would sever ties completely?? Not that I would have agreed to friendship mind, but this seemed unusual from my experience, even more so in this situation because we get along so well and have so much fun together regardless of what we are doing. I tend to think that her decision was a very difficult one for her. The way that she acted when we were together was also quite different from a lot of things she would say.

 

While I tell myself that this is her loss I still can't help but feel down by it all. Maybe she really will regret her decision, and maybe not, but that should not be my concern or focus. I will not be contacting her and if I do happen to bump into her (very likely) I will keep interactions friendly but brief. Whether or not she needs time and distance for herself, I know that I certainly do.

 

Thanks again for reading!

 

ToG

[Ms Darcy]

Double post.

[Ms Darcy]

I am sorry for your pain. It was pretty clear from your posts that she was not as into you as you are into her. I do think, however, she really respected you and had fun with you. I agree with your hunch that if attraction was there for her then she would have WANTED to see you more. Just imagine trying to date a girl you are not really into. It becomes cumbersome and you feel bad for hurting a good person. I am sorry again ... I know you will feel better.

[TiredOfGames]

Thank-you Ms Darcy. She was certainly attracted to me (there are many details that I've left out), but just not 'enough' to overcome her fear of serious commitment and a desire to make room/time for me. I'm at a different place in my life now and wanted it more than she did. I know that I am now ready for a serious LTR; it will just be with a different person instead, someone who is also ready and desires the same. She is out there somewhere; our paths just haven't crossed yet!

[TiredOfGames]

I also wanted to add that I really respect this recent 'ex' for the way she handled things with me. As hard as it was to hear, I can't fully express just how much I appreciated her speaking with me in person and being completely honest with us both throughout. It is extremely difficult to be that honest with another, more so in person, and especially when you know that you will be causing that other person a certain amount of emotional pain. I could tell that it was just as difficult for her to say as it was for me to hear. But better sooner rather than later, and I thank her for that. Maybe we will be friends in the future, and I would like nothing more. She would truly be a great friend to have.

[Day_Walker]

As others have pointed out it appears that you were more interested in this girl than she was you. A busy schedule and meeting when it is convenient for the other person are good indication that the relationship is not in balance and you should be wary of that.

[Ms Darcy]

Double post

[Ms Darcy]

I am not suggesting there was zero attraction but she expressed a lack of wanting to make time for you and that she does with others. It sounds less like commitment issues for her and more like not finding the right person.

[Gimpyrks]

Sorry to hear about the disappointment, I have to say though kudos to her for being honest. Thoughts are with you!

[clarkyyeah]

My advice to you would be make other plans, if she suddenly is free to spend time with you flake on her, go with your other plans anyway.

 

I was with a guy for a year who did the above, each week would make plans with me then cancel, he did it because i let him! Now hes gone on to someone else and it seems he actually had alot of time free he just choose not to spend it with me as he thought he had better things to do and i sat around waiting, put everything on hold for him because i stupid.

 

The canceling is a major red flag , it doesnt get any better it gets alot worse just warning you now. Soon she will have flaked on you enough times that youll expect her to flake everytime and the disapointment doesnt bother you as much because you already knew what was going to happened, its not a nice feeling, wait till you can predict what her plan canceling text says before she even sends it.

 

Also his A* line he gave me each time was, Sorry im just really busy, i know im a flake its my worst quality but i promise ill see you this weekend, never happened.