Wife Had Lesbian Affair After 20 Years

[Lonewing]

Already met with a lawyer. Already referenced what he told me in the thread above.

Already wrote about my options above. It is not easy to act in my shoes. It is always

easier to give advice when your not in the shoes. I do appreciate everyone's input.

But - ...I am the one with the memories. I am the one with the relationships with my children.

Call me a fool, but I can't give up hope just yet.

 

So why then can't you be the one who takes custody of the children?

 

It's an uphill battle, but it's one you have every right as a parent to fight.

 

Seriously, you're no less capable of being a single parent than she is - so why not??

 

You and her were not a great match from the start, even if you have wonderful children, so it's not like you'll be losing much that you don't already have.

 

Everything she has done to you has been most disrespectful - if it does go to court, yes, be explicit: you're divorcing her for infidelity. It will indeed put it right out there, and I could see her responding with "How could you do this to ME???" which, in all audacity seems a bit passive aggressive...and she thinks SHE'S the passionate one???

 

Start looking for places or thinking about kicking her out/setting up a place where she can move out to. Keep your kids close. and pray all goes well - for all you know, it may be 5-6 years for this whole thing to resolve itself.

 

But I don't see a resolution that ends with your marriage continuing in a monogmous fashion. If anything, you're closer to being allowed to see other people [an open relaitonship] than you are to reconcilitation. Yes, she will do it again.

[EQIQ]

What happens if instead of divorce you go for a legal separation?

What if she is the one that starts divorce proceedings, how would that affect the situation? Because I was just thinking right now... In a job, if a person quits they don't receive all the benefits that they would get if they were fired. So... maybe if you caused her to "fire" you, your legal stand could be different?

[swampyankee]

Call me a fool, but my investment of twenty years is too much for me to give up on just yet.

 

I completely understand this. In my case there was no adultery involved, but certainly alot of selfishness. After working on myself for a few years, I started working for change in my marriage. After much discussion, I challenged her to make some necessary changes (for her own health as much as our marriage). She agreed that she needed to and would take the next year to do this. After one year she had done virtually nothing, which told me that I and the marriage were not important enough for her to change for. I spent a few more months agonizing, and finally decided things needed to end, and I left.

My difference was the kids were grown and gone. I could easily have gone through the same process years before, but I refused to even consider divorce while the kids were still at home. Adultery might have been a game-changer for me though.

[FathomFear]

You say above that she "fell in love" with this woman? Have you begun to discuss what that might mean for your wife? Has she had these feelings for women before this? Has she suppressed them? Is she attracted to both men and women? Have you discussed with her the possibility that she may be bisexual or even a lesbian herself?

 

I agree. As a gay man myself, this is by far the most burning question for me after reading the OP's post. Yes, it's horrible that she cheated. However, the fact that she cheated with a woman should put her sexuality into question.

 

Unfortunately we live in a society that is very heteronormative. Gays and lesbians can often go deeply into denial, causing them to engage in straight relationships which sometimes even lead to marriage and children. I'm a member of a GLBT forum that has posts all the time by people who are just coming out in their 40s and 50s. Many of them have had to break the news to their wives, husbands, and children.

 

Before you focus too intently on therapy and repairing the marriage, just don't brush this topic under the carpet. It's a disservice to both you and her.

[BrokenInBklyn]

My wife and I have discussed her "falling in love" with her woman friend. We have begun to discuss what this might mean for her. She claims that she has never, in her entire life, up the point of falling in love with this individual woman, had "feelings" for women. She claims also she never had feelings for any other man during our entire marriage. I have discussed with her the possibility that she may be lesbian. I love my wife in such a way that don't want us to ignore these issues. It would not be fair to either of us. I have said that to her.

 

Right now she seems confused and fearful about her stance in her spiritual/religious views and especially fearful about how this possible change in her might effect her relationships with her children. I have made it plain that we must be honest with ourselves and each other. She is very uncomfortable opening up and discussing the fact that she still has feelings for the woman she was involved with. I keep explaining to her that that is why I wanted her to make a clean break and stop working in the same place sitting right next to this person. She keeps saying the other has moved on to another relationship and that they are not together. I keep reminding her how easy it can be for her to eventually get back together with her.

 

Tonight I am going to my first support group for straight spouses that have had spouses who have had same sex affairs. She knows I am going. She seems conflicted about working on our marriage, partially because of our past relationship difficulties and partially because she has opened up this whole new world of experience for herself. I think she is in denial and I have told her so. I have told her that I don't want either of us to end up "holding the other prisoner" for any reason, that if our relationship can't end up being mutual, it should not "be" at all. TIME...SPACE...who knows...???...

[BrokenInBklyn]

So, after months of dialogue back and forth and the two of us seeing separate therapists, I have moved out of the house and in to my own apartment alone.

She is still working at the job sitting next to her lover every day. She is still in love with her, but conflicted on the inside and confused. We have decided to divorce amiably

and uncontested. It just came to the point where we hit the impasse and nothing was changing and we both simply could not live with the stress of living in the same house.

We knew it was affecting our kids, so we came to the conclusion this was it. I did not want to rip the kids out of their established lives so they are living with Mom in her place

where they have for many years. No way around New York State law on this, I am on the hook for child support. If only she had made the decision not to lie and deceive when

she first recognised the feelings she had for the other person, who knows if this might be different.

[Unreasonable]

While I always find things like this very sad, I'm glad you didn't waste another 7 years of your life to get out of child support. Man, no amount of money would make me stay in that kind of situation. Wish you the best of luck.

[JamisonStorm]

So it sounds like the distrust is on your side, I understand being hurt and the betrayal this represents. But honestly asking her to quit her job? You're stealing her ability to contribute and a part of her identity. It is a selfish act. You need to decide if you want the relationship to continue? If the answer is yes, then recognize that she has cut the relationship off, she is coming home to you, she chose you. She could have chose her, but she didn't. If you want to be with your wife you have to forgive and move on, trying to strip her of her life will backfire on you. Don't try to make her be less. If you can't do that, then you may need to move on.

[Capricorn3]

Thread is 5 years old and the OP has never returned. Thread closed.