BF Guarding His Phone?

[Batya33]

WOW. I guess some guys will go through that kind of trouble. It seems like my bf could be that type to go through the trouble. Especially since he orchestrated that whole thing of leaving the phone in the bathroom with me for a few mins which I really think he did on purpose. Very crafty and clever.

 

 

If you believe he is "that type" I am surprised you would go on a date with him, much less be in an intimate relationship with him.

[StarGazer68]

Hmm...I'd just take the direct approach. Maybe bring up the incident with his college friend and how you thought that wasn't allowed, but when you thought about it you realized the two of you have never had this talk before....

 

That sounds like a good idea thanks camus154!

[StarGazer68]

WOW. I guess some guys will go through that kind of trouble. It seems like my bf could be that type to go through the trouble. Especially since he orchestrated that whole thing of leaving the phone in the bathroom with me for a few mins which I really think he did on purpose. Very crafty and clever.

 

 

If you believe he is "that type" I am surprised you would go on a date with him, much less be in an intimate relationship with him.

 

I really don't know though. This could be all in my head. He is otherwise a great boyfriend. I could be over-reacting. But I have to admit, he does seem clever. Especially I can discern this from stories he has told me about himself. Like the time he got out of a cop finding open alcohol in his truck through this whole smart, clever lie and idea he came up with on the spot and his amazing acting performance....

 

I need to be watchful. I don't want to dump him based on speculation from my mind.

[Divine010]

Oh yeah my ex, wanted to have me and still remain friends with his ex. He was willing to do anything to gain my trust but in reality he was still hiding only making it appear that he had nothing to hide. You can't have you cake and eat it too. Yeah he thought he was clever, but not smarter than me. Once I felt he was still talking to her, I went into his emails and found out how long they were in contact and confronted him. He was speechless...lol. Whatever's in the dark comes to light. Till this day he still doesn't know how I found out. Besides the point, we couldn't work it out, because I found him out and now he knew from the point on I couldn't trust him. I knew what he was capable of doing. Although I didn't prove he cheated, but just keeping a secret like staying in touch with the ex, was just terrible. We tried everything and counseling, but I still suspected him.

 

Girl I hope that isn't that case for you. But when they tell you that they lied to get out of trouble for something, don't think he won't use that same tactic on you. My ex tried everything just to keep me in his life. I couldn't do it no more. If he can lie about one thing, he will lie about something else. And these are not small lies..ugh

[StarGazer68]

Thanks. I'm glad you dumped him. I would have felt the same way and nothing would re-gain my trust. I am actually now freaking out. I also just realized that the other day when I came over his place, he and his roommate (a guy) were in the kitchen and my bf was having beers and when I went into his room it had this distinct smell that I have smelled before when a room smells like sex. I commented on it and said his room smelled like sex and watched his reaction. He seemed confused and said he hadn't changed the sheets so maybe it was the old sheets...but it definitely wasn't because his room didn't smell like that for long. The smell eventually left and when I entered and re-entered the room the next morning, it was gone. He didn't admit to jerking off which he would have I think if he had cause he has told me that he jerks off a lot.

 

If my bf is cheating on me, then it could maybe be with an ex, but I doubt it. We have our relationship on facebook and it's public on his page. IF anything, I can only imagine that maybe a friend who doesn't care that he is in a relationship who he's had a thing with or hooked up with before or he is finding people online. He has done online dating, so who knows maybe he could be on those sites where you send naked pics back and forth and can meet up in person for sex. Great. Now I'm thinking the worst and feeling sick to my stomach at the idea.

[BananaPeel]

I think you should just take a step back from the relationship. Don't spend as much time with him, and start doing your own thing more. If he asks you what's going on, then tell him you feel like you may have moved too fast, and you don't feel like his actions show that he is fully committed and it's making it difficult for you to trust him.

[Batya33]

The title of your thread makes me wonder - what's wrong with someone keeping their personal phone (or computer) private from his/her partner? Why is that given the negative connotation of "guarding?" It's his personal phone.

[Divine010]

Well maybe the thread title should read "Signs when a partner is being unfaithful". Or something like that. My ex didn't cheat, but he was hanging out with her and he didn't tell me. She knew about me too and didn't care. So I got them both on the phone and told them both off. Through the emails I was able to find out if he still had feelings for her. He told her that he loved me, and he was trying to break the friendship off with her if he knew he was going to be with me long-term. I asked him, why didn't he just tell me and he said if he told me that he wanted to hang out with her, that I wouldn't be happy and leave him. Hello! Yes, and in the end I still left. Even after I took him back the after the 1st break-up, she still continued to call and at that point he knew he couldn't hide his phone anymore. Either way, I couldn't trust him since he kept the secret from me for a year. No honesty, no trust.

[Divine010]

I think you should just take a step back from the relationship. Don't spend as much time with him, and start doing your own thing more. If he asks you what's going on, then tell him you feel like you may have moved too fast, and you don't feel like his actions show that he is fully committed and it's making it difficult for you to trust him.

 

BananaPeel is right. I rushed to fast into the relationship and didn't check him out first. You got to ask people about their past relationships, cause some partners won't tell you that they still stay in touch or even hang out with ex's. Especially if you don't ask them and if you are not that kind of person that is comfortable with your partner staying in touch with the ex's then this may not work for you. You got to take your time when getting to know people. They may seem guinwine and want to start fresh in a relationship, but if they are keeping ex's lingering on the side, there's always a potential problem.

 

You shouldn't panick, just back off a little. But you both need to talk and see how committed he is.

[StarGazer68]

BananaPeel is right. I rushed to fast into the relationship and didn't check him out first. You got to ask people about their past relationships, cause some partners won't tell you that they still stay in touch or even hang out with ex's. Especially if you don't ask them and if you are not that kind of person that is comfortable with your partner staying in touch with the ex's then this may not work for you. You got to take your time when getting to know people. They may seem guinwine and want to start fresh in a relationship, but if they are keeping ex's lingering on the side, there's always a potential problem.

 

You shouldn't panick, just back off a little. But you both need to talk and see how committed he is.

 

Thanks divine. My bf is friends with all his exes. Every one of them. I don't know how well he corresponds with them or if he hangs out with them. I thought we had a discussion about what is right to do about exes and hanging out when my ex contacted me and i told him about it, but now who knows if we really had a conversations and laid out some rules or if i just think we did. We never did actually say neither of us will hang out with an ex, although i told him i chose not to and didn't find it appropriate. I would have left your ex too divine. Good thing you left that guy!!!

 

I am also unhappy with my bf on many other things. Like he doesn't text me or call me too much when we are apart which is usually 4 days of being apart and we mainly see each other on weekends. I would think that a guy who is in love with me would want to text me and talk to me more.....when he does text me, the text message is silly and not something meaningful or sweet. It makes me roll my eyes. We have been dating for 3 months and he has only taken me to dinner 3 times. Otherwise, it's been drinks and that's about it. Sometimes, I worry he is trying to get me to drink more. He does cook for me though and takes care of me. He did get me a big gift though he got it for free through connections and has given me flowers before. He doesn't come up with romantic dates and always just wants me to come over his place ALL the time and just SLEEP OVER. He always tries to start something sexual and asks me to shower. He has only offered to come out to see me where I live twice. He doesn't have a lot of money, but I still think he should be figuring out a way to pay for some more dinner dates and fun outings and also to come see me and I just don't see it as a justifiable reason to make me travel and come to him. I also think or worry that when he knows the payoff of hanging out doesn't involve me sleeping over but going home instead, then he isn't as invested.

 

Yea, it's probably time I talk to him and maybe even break up.

[StarGazer68]

I think you should just take a step back from the relationship. Don't spend as much time with him, and start doing your own thing more. If he asks you what's going on, then tell him you feel like you may have moved too fast, and you don't feel like his actions show that he is fully committed and it's making it difficult for you to trust him.

 

That sounds like a pretty good idea. I don't know if he will pick up on me being distant and hanging out less since we only get together twice a week anyway. But I do like the part about not feeling he is fully committed and it's making it difficult to trust him or even continue in the relationship.... thanks!!

[Lightning87]

I take my shower to the toilet with me, even if I am just going for a pee! Something to do whilst on the bog

 

Try not to think too much about it, unless you get a strong feeling of foul play or you have more evidence than this.

[Donovan79]

I hate to say this, but jerkoff smell smells a lot different and lighter than sex smell. Then again, your nose may just have a good imagination.

[Divine010]

Sounds like you all haven't really sat down and had the conversation regarding if you all are exclusive. StarGazer, you could have very well been vocal about your concerns when dealing with an ex, but did he agree with you or he just listened? It sounds like you all just got involved physically too soon and didn't sit down to talk about if you all were going to be in a relationsip. It sounds like you have been noticing other issues with your boyfriend that you have been bothering you, but you haven't been talking about until the cell phone incident. And all of those signs are probably telling you that you may not be the only female he may be invovled with. Maybe he's a flirt, or maybe he has alot of female friends. But you won't know until you sit down and talk with him to see what you mean to him.

 

my ex too remained friends with all of his ex's. When I found out my ex was staying in touch with his ex on the regular and gave her a ride one day, we were already 3 months involved.

From that point on, I made it clear to him that he needed to make boundaries. And he did. However, when I asked him to stop talking to his ex because I knew she wasn't over him, he told me he would, but he knew once he told her to stop calling, a few months down the road she would be calling again.

 

So it sounds like he is not being upfront with you on his views on being committed, what kind of relationship he see's himself having with you.

 

Oh no, he goes days and not call you? That's alot of time apart and he doesn't call..I would definitely stop having sex with him. This sounds like an arrangement that's only going by his rules. Just one way here. You need to set some standards or this guy may think you all are just having a good time and if you are not saying anything about it, then he may think it's okay. Make him work for the relationship. If you all only see eachother on the weekends, just tell him you have plans and maybe he should call you in advance to let you know that you guys are doing something. Just slowly stop making time for him. Become less available. He will start to notice. But honestly, you all need to have a conversation about the what expected from both of you all. What do you want out of the relationshp and ask him the same. If he is not into you like that, then you know what to do from that point on.

 

It's been 3 months since me and the joker have been apart and he still tries to stay in my life. I will be the 1st girlfriend that he didn't end on good terms with..ha go figure! At the end of the day, he wasn't fully commited, he bought me an engagment ring, but part of him just still wanted to play, so I had to let him go. You just can't have it all. I think he is starting to regret alot of bad decisions he made. You can't play with peoples lives.

 

While you are noticing all of this stuff now SG, you have a chance to walk away with your dignity before you get too involved.

[lostandhurt]

Many people take their phone into the bathroom and even text and talk on them while sitting there going to the bathroom even though it isn't a very clean thing to do.

Sometimes they think they will miss something and can't wait 5 or 10 minutes to see what was just posted on fb or who texted them. The phone issue seems to be just one of several issues you have with him.

 

There are a lot of red flags here in my opinion and you need to trust your gut.

-friends with all his ex's

-seems secretive with his phone

-dating only 3 months and only thinks about you when you are right in front of him

-his desire for you seems to be soley sex driven

 

I am sure there are more if you think about it. If you aren't happy with the way things are going tell him and see if he tries harder, if he doesn't then consider ending it so you can find someone that more closely matches your ideas of what a relationship should be like.

 

Lost

[Batya33]

I don't think he's that into you (at least, enough for you) and you're focusing so much on the phone so you don't have to focus on the other things as much. I also would want something different after three months (how many times have you taken him to dinner though -consider that, too).

[blitzkrieged]

The title of your thread makes me wonder - what's wrong with someone keeping their personal phone (or computer) private from his/her partner? Why is that given the negative connotation of "guarding?" It's his personal phone.

 

Well why keep it private if you have nothing to hide? I'm sure many people on ena will disagree with me, but I fully think its a rational move to just agree to have access to EACH OTHERS fb, phone or whatever. If you know, and he knows you can look at it anytime, then you probably wont need to! And its way easier to trust.

 

Another point, human beings are animals and rational beings at the same time. Most Humans are good at heart, but if they have no reason to do the "right thing" when they can just do what they want instead, they might not always choose the right thing. This does not make them a terrible person per se. It makes them more of an animal that a rational being though. Animals are considering mostly their own needs and wants above all else, Which is understandable. This is why businesses need management to function. There is more of an incentive to be a good worker and not slip up when someone is there holding them accountable.

 

This might be off topic, but just my thoughts. I don't think you're doing anything wrong or immoral by checking his phone. Be prepared though, to want to do it over and over if you don't find anything, which brings me back to my first point. anyway, good luck with whatever you chose.

[DN]

'Why be private if you have nothing to hide' is the same rationailsation as explored in the novel '1984'. The reason to be private is about simple human dignity and respect.

[StarGazer68]

Thank you divine. Last night I did a lot of crying and talking with friends and thinking. I think I'm going to initiate a break up. I wish I didn't have to. I don't want to start telling him what upsets me and have him "change" only to revert back once he's been a good boy for a while.....you know? This is obviously how he feels about me, how he wants to conduct a relationship with me, and so forth....I don't need to tell him anything I guess I already know. And it seems he is not romantic, caring, and talkative enough for me.

 

I feel like something is definitely going on and I can't put my finger on it. Guess it's either that he is cheating, set his sights on a new girl he is chatting up, or he is upset with me about something. He hardly texted me yesterday. He called me in the middle of the night when he realized I was up cause I finally texted him back. Our conversation was ok. And today I sent him a good morning text and told him to have a lovely day. And all he wrote me back was good morning babe! He hit the gym yesterday and today too and he had plenty of time and nothing going on to in the day time today and yesterday to have text me some more and definitely some more meaningful texts. Usually he is keen to tell if I'm upset about something but I really feel he is not picking it up this time and trying not to. Maybe because he doesn't care anymore. Just something seems different.

 

We have not had sex yet. We have been intimate in all other ways. I think I secretly have been unable to have sex with him because I don't trust him fully yet. Guess it's a good thing I hadn't.

 

I could stop making time for him like you said. That is a good idea. But maybe that's just going to drag this out more and maybe even hurt me more if he doesn't even care! Probably best if I just say hey, we seem to be incompatible in our relationship. I am looking for something different.

[StarGazer68]

Thank you. I don't think I would ever have a good opportunity to check anyway. And at this point, I guess I don't need to cause I'm unhappy with other things in the relationship as it is. I checked my ex's phone ALL the time. I always found something that upset me. That's why I wanted to be trusting and not do something like that in this relationship. But my bf is making it so hard not to want to. I'll never know because I'm too scared to check I think. I don't want to be a snoop and seen that way ever again. If I do find something, he will know I took his private phone and went through it and that makes me look worse than just saying hey, something seems off with you and me, I think it's better we stay friends. If I already sense something is wrong and it's upsetting me, why bother to look. If this relationship was a longer relationship, I would be more invested and then I may decide to look....but I'll never know since I think I've made the decision to part ways with him.

 

Although, that is something I didn't think to ever ask him about. If he would be the private type to dislike giving each other fb, phone, email passwords and use......I would do it. But, something tells me he wouldn't be into the idea. I may never know.

[StarGazer68]

I don't think he's that into you (at least, enough for you) and you're focusing so much on the phone so you don't have to focus on the other things as much. I also would want something different after three months (how many times have you taken him to dinner though -consider that, too).

 

Hi Batya, thank you for writing to me I don't think he's that into me either. I've sensed the waning interest and been trying to ignore it, but the relationship definitely is in a fragile place. I had to sit and make out a list of things upsetting me and the list is decently long. It seems though that my main problems are the little interaction we have when apart and how he interacts when apart, not having a desire to take me out to dinner and places on romantic dates but always having me come over his place (me come to him), and him still being friends with exes and hanging out with female friends alone for drinks. And of course the phone thing looked fishy.

 

I thought things would get more meaningful and stronger after 3 months, but it's only making me less happy.

 

I have not taken him to dinner, but he and I don't believe a woman should pay for things. Although, since he is broke, he has accepted money from me when I've offered to pay for little things he has paid for like water, pizza, etc. And he has let me buy him a drink or two before.

 

I have suggested a few ideas of things to do that don't involve too much money, but he always just wants to be home at his place or out for drinks.

[StarGazer68]

I hate to say this, but jerkoff smell smells a lot different and lighter than sex smell. Then again, your nose may just have a good imagination.

 

Hahahaha. Your responses are always the best ones. Well, I may never know unfortunately, but something smelled similar to bodily fluids!

[Batya33]

He's broke but he can afford to buy alcohol at a bar or restaurant?

[StarGazer68]

He's broke but he can afford to buy alcohol at a bar or restaurant?

 

Ahhhh. Very true I didn't even realize that.

[lostandhurt]

So he is broke and keeps a lot of female "friends" around...hmmmm I wonder how much stuff they buy for him?

 

 

This guy shouldn't even be dating in my opinion. He needs to get his life together before he involves someone else in it don't you think?

 

 

You know this is going nowhere so trust your gut and end it. He has a lot of time on his hands so you would think he would make more of an effort. BTW how does he afford the gym if he is broke? I wonder just how broke he really is?

 

 

Lost