It's a shame that all of us have to play games with exes

[whattheheck]

I was just thinking about all of the games we have to play when dealing with the ex, from both sides - the dumper and dumpee.

 

For example, my ex gf of broke up with me 2 months ago, and we have had very minimal contact - only by email just to take care of getting her stuff back, etc. Last week though, I emailed her to tell her that I found an item of hers (sentimental, not from me) and for her to let me know if she wanted it back. She read her message right away that day (I know because I can check when my email is opened) but she waited three days to respond back. She was very nice (for once) and said she would like it back, and to let her know when she can get it.

 

So of course, I myself wait a few days to respond to not make her think I'm pushing her and so on. So after I sent her the second email from me, which was yesterday morning, she will probably wait a few days to respond to me. Then, I will wait a few days, and so on and so on.......

 

 

My point is why the heck can't we all just grow up (including me) and just act like mature adults instead of always playing games, and saying to ourselves, "if I did it this way, what will she think," or "if I contact her too soon, she will think I'm desperate".......

 

It's just flat out ridiculous we have to live that way. For example, why did my ex have to wait 3 days to respond to my email? She is the dumper, but obviously she is trying to send a message (playing games) to show me that she has moved on, or maybe she is thinking something else. who knows?

 

To sum it all up, Isn't it just awful all the stupid, childish games we have to play, just to try to deceive and outsmart, and play with each other's minds? I think it is horrible. And when my ex gf acts this way, it also makes me think of her as not worth the effort anymore. I mean, what the heck is the big deal? Why couldn't she just email me back sooner and say, "yes, i want my item" or say "leave me alone" or anything?

 

Sorry for venting, but the world would be a better place if we didn't have to play all the stupid games.

[sonjam]

I totally agree with you. A lot of misunderstandings would have been avoided, and a lot of tears spared. If everyone would just be honest and open for once.

 

But....allas...

 

Humans are such complicated beings huh?

 

I have always been such an open and honest person, sometimes to the point of angering people towards me, because like they say "I call a spade a shovel". If everyone could be like that, we would all know where we stand in relationships, and if people really really loved us, or were just toying with us.

 

*sigh*

[ruth1978]

i can't agree with you more, i think we all do it, the one that really gets to me is when i've broken up with someone, he will text me saying "well i cheated on you anyhow", if i reply he knows it's got to me and if i don't he'll text again saying "oh you never were bothered about me then, if you aren't bothered that i cheated". it's so silly and people of all ages do it not just young people.

the man who played games with me is 36 years old but acted like a child, i don't know why we do it because i'm the same too and you've admitted you are sometimes too.

sometimes i think we like to test each other to see either how far we can push someone, or to see how much they love us.

but it's silly because you get the impression they don't care about us when really they do they're testing how much we care about them and how much patience we have with them.

people shouldn't play games because it will backfire on them one day and no-one will want to know them.

your ex could have easily replied to you that day no matter how busy she was, she read the email so she had time to read it but not reply, it's definitely games being played here. stupid though because what's she gaining from it, nothing apart from you wondering why she's not replied and that's what she wants you to think.

mind games are awful and can mess anyone's head up.

[sonjam]

Yes. My ideal is to be in a relationship where there is no spite, and manipulation. If my husband calls me from work to say he's going to be late, he's going out with the buddies, I want to feel secure enough in myself to say : that's fine dear, please just drive safely. AND MEAN IT. No hidden agendas or silent treatment for a week, or worse waiting with the rolling pin at the door. I'm trying to be the best I can be.

 

I love him and when he's home I always want to be there, at home, fixing lemonade, chatting etc. My mom says im too available. WHAT's with that?? tooo available. For heaven's sake, he's my husband. I try not to make him feel guilty about things I would have wanted differnetly, becouse Im responsible for my own life, If i don't like it, I can leave, and so can he. He's here becouse he loves me, not becouse he has to be here.

 

My husband is a very socially active person, we have a very large circle of friends, but I dont always like to go with, and when he pitches up alone at a party, everone always thinks there is trouble brewing!!!

 

He knows I love staying home, doing crafts, playing with our child, reading and I do go out with him, often. But that is no reason for him to stay at home, and no reason why I have to go everytime!! We are both happy with our arrangement, why can't everyone else be too?

 

I think a lot of times, external influences does a lot of harm in our relationships.

 

Sorry, I got carried away, but I get really irritated with these mindgames....

[whattheheck]

ruth1978 - I agree with you that she had time to open the email, so why not respond? It only takes an extra minute!!!

 

also, you said that she wants me to wonder why she didn't respond. But why? She dumped me!! She shouldn't have to play games with me because she has no feelings for me anymore. So why the games?

[frizzle]

Because people are fundamentally insecure and emotionally underdeveloped. It's the human condition.

[whattheheck]

Sonjam - It seems that you have a wonderful, trusting relationship. I wish I could find someone to marry just like you - one who doesn't need to be with a mate 24 hours a day. You sound like you are independent and WANT to be with your husband, rather than a NEED to be with him. That sounds like a healthy relationship!!

[whattheheck]

Also - to all - I'm also tired of hearing about strategies, what to do, what not to do. It's all just flat out ridiculous.

 

If your ex wants you back, then he/she will come back no matter what you do. Of course, as long as you do not do someting terrible to them, eg. slashing thier tires, etc.

[PAdreamer]

I dunno... I've never really dealt with stuff like that. I'm pretty straightforward in relationships; if it doesn't work out, I don't blame anyone, I just say it wasn't meant to be and move on. I still talk to and am friends with more than several of my ex-boyfriends. I suppose it has a lot to do with personality and how you view the break-up.

[ruth1978]

whattheheck- i think it's strange too how people play these games when they're the ones who do the dumping, me ex left me but still played games with me three years later.

she might regret dumping you and wants you to think she's having some great life and doesn't get back to your email right away wanting you to think she's really busy and leading an exciting life that doesn't include you or something.

you know when my ex left me he used to text me saying "yeh mate we'll have a great night out tonight, can't wait" but then he'd send another saying "whoops sorry that text wasn't meant for you".

he would purposely text me pretending to send it by mistake when i knew it was meant for me, trying to get me jealous that he was going out that night and i wasn't. but then i also got to wondering why he was doing it when he's the one who left me, why should he have to pretend his life was great when obviously it wasn't.

i think in some ways he didn't want to be with me but didn't want me to be with anyone else either and wanted me to feel bad that he'd left me, and me to think he'd got this great life, and for me to feel guilty about breaking up.

i asked myself questions over and over again wondering why the games when he left me, but i've never got the answers i wanted, i don't think we ever will.

[whattheheck]

Ruth1978 - Well said!! In fact she did say in her email how good she is doing, and how busy she is!! I agree with you in that I don't understand why the dumper has to play games. I can't believe your ex played all those stupid games with you, especially 3 years later. It's crazy how he would try to get you jealous by sending you those text messages. How childish!!

 

I think you are correct in saying how even the dumper (in our cases) try to make us feel like they are doing so well without us, and trying to rub it in our faces.

 

Well I believe that if they were doing so well, they wouldn't be playing the games!!!!!

 

It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you are mature enough to treat people like you would want to be treated.

[ruth1978]

you're right about if their lives were so great they wouldn't be bothering us, the truth is they expect us not to be able to get by without them and it hurts them more to know we have lives and they don't.

what i also think is if they've dumped us and moved on, then why are we in their thoughts in the first place, surely they're enjoying life so much that they wouldn't even think about us.

she's definitely told you she's really busy so you get down about it and think that she's getting on with her life without you when really she's probably thinking of you more than you are of her.

the only thing i will always be asking and never know is why they do it when they're the ones who left, if we had left them then fair enough they'd want to make out everything's ok and they're doing well without us, but because they've left us, why should they need to tell us how busy they are and how great they're doing, it's weird and i guess we'll never know.

[whattheheck]

ruth178 - well said again!!! And like you said, I guess we will never know why they (our exes) act like that. I guess it's like they almost want us to be hurting. like you said, they were the dumpers!! I guess we can't worry about it.

[angelsgal]

the only thing i will always be asking and never know is why they do it when they're the ones who left, if we had left them then fair enough they'd want to make out everything's ok and they're doing well without us, but because they've left us, why should they need to tell us how busy they are and how great they're doing, it's weird and i guess we'll never know.

 

ruth178 - well said again!!! And like you said, I guess we will never know why they (our exes) act like that. I guess it's like they almost want us to be hurting. like you said, they were the dumpers!! I guess we can't worry about it.

 

 

Both of you have great points! It could also be that they don't want us in their lives, but they don't want us to be happy living our life without them either especially if their life isn't so great since they broke up with us. Just my 2 cents worth.....

[slacko]

I must admit to playing mind games with a girl i left a few years back so after reading these posts I got to thinking why did I do it.

The main reason was In a strange way I still wanted her but I wanted to change her , something I now realise you cant do.

Im also ashamed to say on the nights when the grass wasnt so green i knew that i could pick up the phone and have a night out. I know now this is the most hurtfull thing any one can do but until you are on the receiving end you just dont realise how spiteful it can be.

There was also an element of i dont want her but I dont want any one else to have her involved.

 

I hope this sheds a bit of light on the subject and believe me I would never do it again. In the long run its not worth the extra torment alround.

If you are going to dump somebody its got to be, thats it were through then nothing at all. EVER.

[chai714]

What the heck said:

 

If your ex wants you back, then he/she will come back no matter what you do

 

I hate quoting you on this, but they don't come back no matter what you do.

 

Unfortunately, there are games played in life and having relationships is just part of life. We learn as children how to manipulate people. Most people will even unknowling manipulate someone if it can be to their advantage. It's something that is sometimes inadvertantly done, while other times it is done to deceive or control the situation.

 

I agree, games suck. If I made the rules, games would be banned from relationships. But you should be used to them by now, since you've been in this world long enough to know that they will never end, no matter who you're dealing with.

[mazurka]

Yep games are best something to walk away from.

 

When you have been with someone for a long time and they say they love you and they will never find another man like you and its just issues I have to deal with by myself but I dont want back together and all the rest of it then to me it just says that the person DOES NOT want to be with you and that is what they are saying regardless of all the padding and gumff.

 

In this case I wanted to get back with my ex but I didnt beg and plead, I let her know that if she wanted to work on things I will be willing to do so. I received a response of "I love you but I cant see this right now" padded with numerous other yawnable relationship cliches and I thought to myself, "Is this really worth the effort, I love you but I am not going to put up with this cr@p".

 

To me the bottom line is, if the person wants to be with you, no problem is too big to sort out, whether the initiator of the breakup is unsure of their feelings or they want to keep their true motive hidden, it doesnt matter, glean from the communications what actions will transpire from your dialogues and you will see the true motives, whether they be intentional or not.

 

Its difficult to tell from visiting a forum like this as everybody who comes here is looking for answers as to why there realtionships didnt work out. There are people out there who have loving balanced realtionships with rich and meanigful communication who have enough respect for each other not to play games and who get on with the business of enjoying and living life. You just dont really hear from them.

 

Life is too short to be played around with, its human nature to try to assert power over another by manipulation and it signifies a lack of respect and lack of trust of you need to do so.

 

I take my realtionships seriously and will endeavor to give any partner I have all the respect,love and affection I can. I would think it very wrong to interperet this as being "too available".

 

Maybye its just my personality but I dont like playing games with people, if this makes me boring and unromantic then so be it.

 

Rant over

[angelsgal]

When you have been with someone for a long time and they say they love you and they will never find another man like you and its just issues I have to deal with by myself but I dont want back together and all the rest of it then to me it just says that the person DOES NOT want to be with you and that is what they are saying regardless of all the padding and gumff.

 

ITA! Same situation with me...he kept saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he still loves me, etc., yet he kept coming up with reasons why the relationship was not working. It was just excuses maybe to justify to himself why he wanted to end things. Sometimes you just have to listen to what someone is saying no matter how painful it is in order to move on with your life.

[mazurka]

I think that subconsciously a course of action has already been decided by the person and everyhting said/done is trying to achieve that. This will be comprimised by feelings of guilt and latent feelings of the initiating party, which will send the wrong signals to someone who is looking for signs of a desire to reconcile.

 

My advice, dont waste time on hopes of reconciliation but leave the door open, in my opinion the only way it will work is if the person that initiated the separation has a strong desire to reconcile at a later date

 

To be cynical, if it is so $%£^^£ good, then why is the person leaving? If the person wants to leave its because they dont love you enough to make the sacrifice to stay, they have chosen something/someone over you and it is their choice to make but they are only making things harder by pampering your wounded soul with words to appease their own guilt

 

Part of love is wanting to share your life with someone and if you dont want to do that then how can you say you love someone.(I realise this is a very subjective topic)

 

I am not blaming the initiator of the breakup as I realise the guilt and agonising over the decision must be hard but I for one hope that I have the guts, if I need to do it one day to say, I dont want to be with you anymore, I dont love you, I will not change my mind, I have made my decision,Thank you for being part of my life , I am sorry but ... goodbye.

[angelsgal]

My advice, dont waste time on hopes of reconciliation but leave the door open, in my opinion the only way it will work is if the person that initiated the separation has a strong desire to reconcile at a later date

 

 

I completely agree with you there! All the wishing & hoping in the world will not do you any good unless the person that initiated the breakup wants you back. And don't wait around for that to happen either! Live your life and you will heal a lot faster than if you put your life on hold for them.

 

 

To be cynical, if it is so $%£^^£ good, then why is the person leaving? If the person wants to leave its because they dont love you enough to make the sacrifice to stay, they have chosen something/someone over you and it is their choice to make but they are only making things harder by pampering your wounded soul with words to appease their own guilt

 

And many dumpers do exactly that! Or they throw out the "let's be friends" line and many people actually agree to it because they want to maintain a connection with their ex, not realizing how much it will hurt them in the long run (or hold them back from living their life).

 

Excellent points, Mazurka!

[lioness726]

whattheheck, I totally agree with what you are sayiong about the games. But sadly enough, the games will continue.

Being open and honest about your feelings is a huge and important thing in a relationship. My ex liked to preach about that but did not follow. He never would admit to me about the way he truly felt. I always had this horrible gut feeling that he didn't really love me, or there was something wrong. We fought about it constantly. And upon dumping me, he decides to tell me that he realized that he wasn't in love with me but he was in love with the fact that I was in love with him. He had always felt that way, he just wasn't honest with himself (or me for that matter) and convinced himself that wasn't the case. He said that he had never felt what it felt like to have someone love you, treat you right, and be genuinely interested in you as a person. And so he liked that and that was what kept me around. I realized that he had no idea who I was and he still doesn't. I don't think he ever tried.

Basically what I'm saying is, he played a huge and hurtful game with me for a whole year.

And after our break up, getting my stuff back has been a series of messages through mutual friends and the messages kept getting screwed up. Stupid games. I know I don't really want to see him but if I have to- to get my stuff, I don't care as much. But it has become obvious that he is completely trying to avoid me at all costs. Even though he was the one who dumped me. I don't understand it.

[whattheheck]

I do not understand it either - why can't he just call you about your stuff? It's so stupid. Why in the world is it so hard for the ex to even make simple phone calls or emails to take care of things like getting your stuff back?

 

Sometimes, I wonder if they are almost afraid to see us or contact us because they might be afraid that their feelings may come back for us. Who knows.

[lioness726]

I agree with you on that. Even though they were the one's that broke it off, it still is a difficult thing. I believe that the fact that after a year my ex only loved me because I was in love with him is a slight bit of BS. All he knew about me was that I was sweet, caring, empathetic, and a good person. He knows and has told others these things about me. However, he felt that since we didn't share anything in common (which is BS too), we weren't right for eachother.

I know for a fact that he doesn't regret breaking it off with me, that he felt it was the right thing to do, and even his friends and my friends agree that it was the right thing to do. However, the right thing to do usually ends up being the hardest. What is right and what we want often times end up being two different things.

Since this was the first real relationship my ex has been in (he's 24) , it's no wonder he didn't know what he was doing, didn't know what he wanted, and felt he had to break it off. He probably did do the right thing but I think it's BS if he doesn't have feelings for me still or if they will just fade away forever. I really believe that he will always have feelings for me. Usually when the dumper wants to avoid you at all costs it means that they felt they had to break it off (even if they may not have wanted to) but they still have feelings. And they know that if they see you, it will only bring those feelings back when they are trying to get rid of them. In the beginning, the dumpee doesn't want to get rid of those feelings so seeing the ex is what the dumpee doesn't mind. You know when you're starting to come to terms with the break up and you don't want to see your ex anymore because that means that you really want to get over them and move on with your life.

I, right now have mixed feelings. Sometimes I want to see him and other times I so badly not want to not love him anymore or even care for that matter. Although, I know in my gut (by the way, your gut feeling is always right) that after time passes, I've moved on, and I'm happy, I know my ex will call. And you know what? He'll still be working that dead-end job that he has, and he'll probably miss me terribly and I will have moved on. I guess maybe that could just be something I'm hoping for, but I know there was something more there when we were together besides the fact that he liked the way I treated him. Or else it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. I know there was something more but he was just too emotionally immature for any kind of relationship.

So, whattheheck.... All in all, your ex probably still does have a lot of feelings for you. Don't get your hopes up in knowing that (I try not to about my ex), because even though they may still love you, or care, or have intense feelings for you, does not mean that you will get back together with them now or later. Just take comfort in the fact that there are still feelings there and that you were and probably always will be someone special to them. And know that you have made an impact in their life.