How Did You Know The Time Was Right to Live Together

[Silverbirch]

Just wondering if anyone can share positive experienes. I'm mature-aged, divorced many, many years. After my son had grown up and moved away, I began living with someone who I had been in an 8 year relationship which was disastrous. After only 4 months living together, he developed full-blown bipolar. He moved out - his choice, and I was heart-broken at the time. A couple of years later, I moved in with another man (into his home) who I had entered a relationship with. I lived with him and his 2 children for 2 years, and had my heart broken again. Although I continued a relationship with him for a while, I've been living more or less independently for 2 and a half years (sharing a nice house on 21 acres of land at a great place).

 

Fast forward to now. 8 months ago, I entered another relationship with a man I had known for a while. I love him a lot and I'm pretty much certain he loves me too. His life has been very similar to mine although he chose to live on his own for last almost 20 years although there have been a couple of women in his life - he has pretty much been a loner, mostly through choice. Due to work and us living almost an hours drive apart, we rarely would get to see each other more than twice a week, but speak at least once daily on the phone.

 

From when we first got together, we both knew that one day we would like to live together. We have shared passions - horses, animals and living outside of the city.

 

To get to the point, last night and this morning, he told me by phone, he wants us to talk about it more now. He said that I'm the only person he thinks he would ever want to live with, that we want the same things, that financially things will be better for both us if we are together.

 

By his own account, he is "the most unromantic man in the world", but I can't help but notice that he hasn't used the love word. He is also one of the most practical people you could meet, whereas I am very impractical at times. This has been the downfall of my previous relationships and I've come away feeling hurt and used.

 

I told him I couldn't live with someone for money alone. I guess I want him to tell me he wants to live with me because he loves me . . . . that is what my exes did . . . and it was disastrous each time. Deep inside, I know this man does genuinely love me. He is very different in a lot of ways to anyone I've ever been with. Not to say, he is perfect and neither am I.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and what did you base your decision on. PS Marriage is not something either of us has to date found to be the be and end all for either of us.

[RedDress]

Interesting. I've been struggling with the same thing a little bit... but kind of in the opposite way.

 

When I was younger, I moved in with my bf. Actually... it wasn't a bad idea. It was a relationship that came to an end and of course broke my heart... but... I don't regret it.

 

Now I am with someone and I would, theoretically, move in with him... but... I have too much to lose financially. If we're together 2 years or more, he could be entitled to part of my house, my pension plan, etc. I dunno. That's a big commitment. I've worked hard for that... I'd kind of want to get married and I'm not ready for that marriage stage. Then I think... "co-habitation agreement"? (It's like a pre-nup for living together. LOL!)

 

For you, it's a little different. Marriage is not a goal so that's not a benchmark. And you seem unconcerned about what you could lose financially (??). So... it comes down to love. But... there are no guarantees on relationships. Is that what you are looking for? He can break your heart from a shared abode or an separate abodes.

 

I think if I were unconcerned about finances... wouldn't you move in right away for any relationship? Why not? Then you can be together all the time. Emotionally, relationships are risk anyways.

 

I guess it comes down to whether you are ready to see them everyday, not at their best, all up in your stuff. What else is there?

[Silverbirch]

Hi RedDress and thanks,

I guess more than anything, I'm very aware of my previous failed relationships, and I don't want to go repeat it again.

 

Regarding finances, no I'm not worried about him assessing my money, etc. We plan on just sharing costs 50/50, having control of our own money, but should one of us fall on hard times, the other help out. His finances would improve more than mine though as he currently pays quite hefty rent on his own, and if we live together he will probably be around $200 per week better off. To me, there wouldn't be much of a difference financially, but I think I would have more privacy and independence as I share a house (financial agreement only with a businessman and we live very independently).

 

In my previous relationships, I had good housing arrangements living on my own, and when things didn't work out with them, I so regretted giving up my previous tenancies. With the guy who got bipolar, I ended up with a lot of debt because I had to pay the rent on my own. I should have moved out of the house immediately, but stupidly, he kept me hanging in there saying that he planned to moved back when he got "well". I was just a back-up plan. Prior to moving in with him, I rented a little cottage at the beach and lived there on my own though I was a bit far from family and friends, but was a BIG mistake to have lived with him.

 

Second relationship - was a big mistake to move into HIS home which had also been his marriage home. His kids used to fight non-stop and he was a lazy parent in many regards - always pushing his kids onto other people - me, his mother and sister. He never did a thing in the yard and actually showed me how to start up the lawnmower - his ex-wife had always mown the grass. I told him "I don't mow grass". I had learnt when I was married - I used to mow the grass while my ex-husband would be having drinks with the neighbour. Blah. This new man LOVES his tractor. It's his favourite thing for relaxation. He comes froman engineering background and has a passion for old tractors and aircraft - pilot's license also. I've always wanted a ride-on mower and the plan is, he does the tractor and I do the ride-on mower. I used to love gardening, but partners always left ALL of that to me and did NOTHING in the yard and I got resentful about that. Don't want to go there again. We both LOVE our horses and other pets and like to be out there each of us doing our own thing but there's a real nice feeling knowing the other is about.

[RedDress]

Well... I think it makes sense to look at what you can control and what you can't.

 

Stuff you CAN control:

 

In my previous relationships, I had good housing arrangements living on my own, and when things didn't work out with them, I so regretted giving up my previous tenancies.

 

Is your current situation something that you can see as long term? Living with this businessman? I'd kind of think that at some point he'll want a girlfriend or a wife or... well... a house of his own? Personally, I see your situation as transitional... but I could be wrong... how do you feel about it?

 

With the guy who got bipolar, I ended up with a lot of debt because I had to pay the rent on my own.

 

Well... I think there's a lesson there, right? Pick a place you can afford on your own, be the one to move out or move out immediately if things aren't working out.

 

His kids used to fight non-stop and he was a lazy parent in many regards

 

This guy doesn't have kids, does he?

 

I used to love gardening, but partners always left ALL of that to me and did NOTHING in the yard and I got resentful about that.

 

It sounds like you have that planned out.

 

Stuff you CAN'T control:

 

After only 4 months living together, he developed full-blown bipolar.

- How the relationship works out, for better or for worse.

 

Here... a quote from the Dalai Lama:

 

If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry

 

I think you should make sure all your bases are covered for the areas that you can cover and for the rest... just allow it to happen as it is meant to happen.

[Silverbirch]

Hi RedDress,

The businessman has been married and divorced 3 times and says he has no plans to ever marry again although he has had a girlfriend for around 18 months who stays here every weekend. He tells me he does have an arrangement with the owner where he will eventually buy the property. I can't know if that is genuine although I do know the owner, and the lease is definitely very long-term. As far as I know, he and the girlfriend have no plans to live together (I asked), and maybe not a long-term arrangement. He has told me that he plans on dying in this place eventually and that he will always be wanting a tenant here with him.

 

The new man has a daughter, 2 years younger than my son and both of them have spread their wings and flown the nest.

[journeynow]

Silver,

 

I may have missed if you mentioned the "where" part of it. That would be important, too. I would want to be near my "support base" (work and friends) so that moving in with my man would not create an imbalance in my life.

 

Why is he motivated now to talk about it? Is it predominantly financial pressure? What may appear practical now may prove to be impractical in other ways, or later (if, for example, you each have different ideas about the relationship and what you want from it.) Is he wanting you to move into his place? Is it because of convenience and not commitment? If convenience is his motivation, it might be better for him to find a different tenant to help with his costs, so you each maintain some autonomy.

 

But I've not been in this situation, so I'm only giving my 2 cents from the outside.

At this point in my life I kind of like the idea of small places side-by-side, but that's probably not feasible in many cases.

[mhowe]

I agree w/ journey. The decision to move in together at your/my age should be based more on a feeling of commitment in the relationship, rather than practical or monetary. And in his "talking" about it, as you say -- the "because I love/want you" wasn't there....not to say he's not feeling it, but looking at it from a practical standpoint. You will probably get more from talking to him regarding your feelings about the underlying reasons than us.....

 

In my case, we each have our own homes (and lives) but live only a mile apart. That allows for the freedom we both want, and the together times we both crave.

[journeynow]

In my case, we each have our own homes (and lives) but live only a mile apart. That allows for the freedom we both want, and the together times we both crave.

I like the idea of that living arrangement. Close enough to walk, but not always in each other space.

[mhowe]

I like the idea of that living arrangement. Close enough to walk, but not always in each other space.

 

 

 

There is a classic Katherine Hepburn quote (I am paraphrasing):

 

"Men and women were never meant to live together. Near each other; yes -- and visit often. But not live together."

[journeynow]

There is a classic Katherine Hepburn quote (I am paraphrasing):

 

"Men and women were never meant to live together. Near each other; yes -- and visit often. But not live together."

 

....

 

"His and Hers Cottages":

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[Silverbirch]

Hi JN & MHowe,

I have already told him that I do not want to leave the area where I now live, partly because of friendships. I will find out more about it soon. I have always known that his lease would be up for renewal in August, and if he re-signs it will be for another 12 months.

 

I may see him tomorrow so I'll find out more then. Thanks.

[Silverbirch]

Hi All,

Just an update. I spent more time with him over this last weekend than I ever have. We didn't discuss a timeline on moving in together - both of us saying that we are undecided right now about when the best time for that would be.

 

Well, staying together was nice in a cosy sort of way that I'm not I've experienced with anyone else before. I had to work over the weekend, but we woke up together - we always wake at around 5am when we are together and spend around 2 hours together laughing and messing around before we get up. He had to work Saturday as well. Then breakfast has come to be a good time of the day too where we have porridge together and make jokes about the politics on the radio news. He teases me as being a closet socialist (I'm actually more of an anarchist), but I can usually find fault with some particular political view he holds which he can't always respond to. Anyway, so far, it's always been a nice start to the day when I've spent the night with him and we've woken up together.

 

Yesterday, which was Sunday here, he had asked if I wanted to go to a riding club where he used to go a lot but hasn't been able to go for around a year due to having to work. We went there which was okay for me as I like horses a lot. He also wanted to see some of his clients horses who were being riden at that club and he had been helping to rehabilitate. Well, it would have struck anyone how many women he actually knows! The other thing that struck me was that it is very apparent that women like him. It didn't seem sleazy at all. The common bond between him and those women is horses. It felt sort of strange though to see him around so many women - and ones who like him too. He introduced me to them all and said he hopes to go back riding there at the end of this year - and he also encouraged me to join the group and come with him. I don't feel confident enough as a rider, but he urged me to go back having more lessons and talked about the possibility of me getting my own riding horse.

 

I tried to make a comment in passing about him knowing so many women as we were driving him - trying to sound casual. He picked up on it right away and told me that yes, he knows LOTS of women, but that I am the woman who he chose to bring WITH him. He then told me that he wasn't going to give me further reassurance (he tells me at least once a day that he loves me) because he said that I know him enough to know that I am very special to him, that he loves me a lot as well as liking me a lot as a person, and that of everyone in the world, he has never let anyone into his own life as he has with me. He's told me a couple of times now that I need to be working on my insecurities, that he knows it is because of my past relationship history with men, but that I need to deal with it. I know he is right.

 

On the way home, he suggested we go to this lovely place for lunch. When it was time to pay the bill, I offered to put in, but he said I'm paying - not because it's gentlemanly, but because it's my turn and you already do so much." I sort of have times where I'm not quite sure how to take him. He says he hates anything romantic - especially movies. When it was time for me to go home though, he was very loving and passionate - better than the movies.

 

I had this feeling though that started to freak me out which I'm sure I've written about once before. JN, I think I recall you saying it is something to do with ego and self-preservation. Yesterday, I had this feeling of contentment and happiness, and then last night and this morning, I feel a very strong need to be on my own and doing all MY things, having contact with my friends and really experiencing my own separateness from him.

 

We were going to see each other again today as he was going to come to attend to my ponies, but as we spent so much time together on the weekend, he has gotten behind with his things too. He called me this morning to see how I am. He was happy, but I'm suspecting that he is feeling a little like me in that he needs to find his separateness again and attend to his own life too.

 

There do seem to be some changes I'm seeing with him from when we were first together. I think he was so used to his own company, independence and being on his own, that it was a struggle, more than it has been for me, to have another person around and I suppose have intimacy with. By his own account though, he has "Become used to having me around and prefers to go to sleep with and wake up beside me with me than without me" Even sharing a bed all through the night with another person was a struggle for him at times but that seems to be going. So I guess the intimacy and space-sharing is something we are both working with. It's also becoming easier for him to plan things with me.

 

There are other practicalities which we are aware we need to work out. One of the reasons we do want to share together is that each of us having so many pets of our own makes it difficult to get together - even overnight. One of his dogs has been very jealous of me, resulting in aggression. This last weekend I spent with him, each night before going to bed, I would hold this little dog down into a position with me as dominant - just for a few seconds. It seems to have worked because she wasn't aggressive towards me over this weekend. If we do get a place together, it's going to have to have some specific features and be at least relatively large to accommodate, not only ourselves,but our animals and our interests. Too bad my housemate looks like he will be here forever as my current home would be ideal.

 

Well, I guess one of the greatest determinants for us in the right timing will be in finding the right type of property where we could live together happily.

[journeynow]

I had this feeling though that started to freak me out which I'm sure I've written about once before. JN, I think I recall you saying it is something to do with ego and self-preservation. Yesterday, I had this feeling of contentment and happiness, and then last night and this morning, I feel a very strong need to be on my own and doing all MY things, having contact with my friends and really experiencing my own separateness from him.

 

What was the feeling that started to freak you out? When that happens, when the feeling happens, can you trace it back to a thought? Can you identify the thought?

 

I don't know if it's ego/self-preservation or not. You may be seeking balance, I don't know.

[Batya33]

I personally wouldn't move in in particular because he's not willing to express his feelings to you and that would make me uncomfortable but my personal bias (not one I try to impose on others) is that sharing physical space shouldn't happen without some kind of legal commitment or an impending one (even if it's a domestic partnership or civil union and not a marriage.

[journeynow]

What are your thoughts about this, Silver? Are you feeling threatened by the women?

 

He's sharing his world with you, inviting you in, introducing you, encouraging you to join in riding. That sounds very positive.

 

I appreciate your honesty and self-reflection, sharing your experience here. Commenting about all the women he knows could be done in different ways, motivated by different thoughts and feelings. They could be a threat to you, or potential friends. ("Yikes, all these women!" or "Yeah, all these women!) Do you trust him? In his line of work, he'll be spending time at women's homes/barns, tending to their horses. If he has to defend his work, it won't go well for your relationship. And if horses are his hobby, I'll bet the odds are there are more women than men who share the interest. (I don't know for a fact that more women than men are into horses, it's just my impression.)

 

It's good you are aware of your insecurities and understand that they are based on your past experiences, but you might want to do some healing work with them before going further with the relationship. I wouldn't ignore them, nor move in together yet, as those insecurities could push him away. It can be stressful to have to repeatedly reassure someone about your activities, and thus feel you have to somehow defend yourself or begin to hide what you do in order to avoid conflict.

[sidehop]

There do seem to be some changes I'm seeing with him from when we were first together. I think he was so used to his own company, independence and being on his own, that it was a struggle, more than it has been for me, to have another person around and I suppose have intimacy with. By his own account though, he has "Become used to having me around and prefers to go to sleep with and wake up beside me with me than without me" Even sharing a bed all through the night with another person was a struggle for him at times but that seems to be going. So I guess the intimacy and space-sharing is something we are both working with. It's also becoming easier for him to plan things with me.

 

Moving in together would be too soon IMO just the way he's been living alone for the past 20 years. That's a HUGE change. I've moved in if not temporary tried to with someone who's been alone for few years. Just that few years alone proved difficult at times because she felt as though I was intruding in her lifestyle; not directly but how things were including the way she arranged things and so forth.

 

I can only say take more time and don't rush it. One can assume why he has been living alone and if not why he knows a lot of women. But with the sporadic schedule of being able to meet together I just wouldn't consider moving in with him or living together any time soon.

[Silverbirch]

What was the feeling that started to freak you out? When that happens, when the feeling happens, can you trace it back to a thought? Can you identify the thought?I don't know if it's ego/self-preservation or not. You may be seeking balance, I don't know.

 

Hi JN,

I can't recall specifically what the original thought is, but it has followed when there has been a really happy time. I'll start thinking that this is all too good and something bad will happen.

[Silverbirch]

I personally wouldn't move in in particular because he's not willing to express his feelings to you and that would make me uncomfortable but my personal bias (not one I try to impose on others) is that sharing physical space shouldn't happen without some kind of legal commitment or an impending one (even if it's a domestic partnership or civil union and not a marriage.

 

Grrr, I just lost a longish reply I'd typed Bataya. He does tell me he loves me every day at least once, but as far as far as living together goes - and even just being together, he seems to me to place a much higher value on friendship and compatibility above any notions of romantic love. Unlike my previous partners, one who got down on bended knee twice telling me he loved me and would I spend the rest of my life with him - this one tells me "We are good for each other, we're very compatible, we want the same things." He has told me more than once that with every couple he has ever known and in his own experience, after a few years, romantic love goes and so many people are left with nothing real in their relationships and nothing worthwhile to keep them together.

[Silverbirch]

Hi JN,

Well, I have lots of thoughts about this. Firstly, I don't think he realises that he is very attractive. He thinks it's funny that I do, and always says: "Well, I'm glad you think so". and laughs. I don't think he realises also that women really genuinely like him. It was so apparent to me that so many of the women seemed very relaxed around him and pleased to see him - though as I said, most if not all of the talk was about horses.

 

I have met a couple of other female friends of his who he met when they were all going for their pilot's licenses together and some of them are just stunniingly beautiful. They've known each other for years, and these women now have partners and he is friends with their husbands/partners as well. He tells me that all these women like me - that everyone he has introduced me to likes me, and when I have remarked on them being beautiful, he has said: "You're more beautiful."

 

I know that in the past, a long time ago, he had a couple of fairly short-lived relationships with younger women and he has told me that he would never want to go there again because those relationships were a lot of work and not satisfying to him. He said the younger women simply did not share the same level of life experience (bringing up a child on their own for starters), that they did not have the years in them to mature, and he just never felt really compatible with them because of those things.

 

I KNOW that my fears are because of my past experiences, and frankly, I don't know how to get over that. When I was with R, I actually met 2 of the women who he had cheated on me with. I forgave after the first time, believing it was due to his bipolar, but I think now that he was just an extremely dishonest person. After I met the second girl, that was it for me, and I've never had a thing to do with him again. She turned out to be a very nice GIRL. When we compared notes and I found out some of the level of his deception, I was and still totally rocked that somebody I could have known for so long and placed so much trust in could have been such a cunning liar and cheat. How do you get over that? I so want to heal from that so that I can move on, but it seems to drag after me all the time.

 

When I met G, he seemed and actually was quite the opposite to R. He was the good upstanding citizen, professional man who lived in the burbs, but at the end of the the day, despite what he had originally told me, I was really just there to take care of his kids and the sex, something very important to him, was a fringe benefit. Another woman, a younger one too, came along after his kids had grown up, and he told me "There isn't enough there to keep us together."

 

In recent times especially, David has said things to me and treated me in a way which is quite different to the other men I have been with. He has said to me: "I do not need or want a woman to mother me or take care of me. I'm quite capable of doing that myself." He has told me that he wants me to just be me and take care of myself. He has told me that I am a people-pleaser and constantly seek approval due to my insecurities, and that I don't have to do this with him.

 

When I'm honest with myself, I don't think he would cheat, but I think it's possible that given he is attractive and that women like him a lot, and that he knows so many, that one day, some woman will come along who can offer him so much more than I can, and I will lose him.

[Silverbirch]

Moving in together would be too soon IMO just the way he's been living alone for the past 20 years. That's a HUGE change. I've moved in if not temporary tried to with someone who's been alone for few years. Just that few years alone proved difficult at times because she felt as though I was intruding in her lifestyle; not directly but how things were including the way she arranged things and so forth.

 

I can only say take more time and don't rush it. One can assume why he has been living alone and if not why he knows a lot of women. But with the sporadic schedule of being able to meet together I just wouldn't consider moving in with him or living together any time soon.

 

Thanks Sidehop, I think it would be important that if we are to ever live together to get a place together and not move into either of our existing homes. He actually speaks proudly of having lived on his own for so many years saying that it was a time when he came to understand himself and learn to live on his own and that has been important for him. Part of the reason he did not live with a woman, something I had also done, was that he was bringing up a child on his own. He had seen his daughter become attached to a woman who was only with him for 3 months and that happened with a couple of women. He decided that wasn't right for his daughter. I never lived with a man while my son was growing up in my care because he was my major priority too.

 

It's been in the last couple of years - maybe 2, that he changed his employment and now most of his clients are female. Prior to that, he worked in engiineering, a male dominated occupation. He's also a non-drinker, never goes to pubs or clubs or those sort of places. He says that as far as women goes, he is extremely choosey, and whilst there were some women interested in him, he had not, up until he met me, met a woman he liked enough to want to be in a relationship with.

 

I do agree though that it is too early to live with him yet.

[journeynow]

I found out some of the level of his deception, I was and still totally rocked that somebody I could have known for so long and placed so much trust in could have been such a cunning liar and cheat. How do you get over that? I so want to heal from that so that I can move on, but it seems to drag after me all the time.

 

I suspect you are in the process of healing, by the nature of it surfacing now in this new relationship, and your observing it and writing about it. When I read your words, it is like you are standing back and observing the scene with both of you in it. I think that is a helpful approach.

 

(I have a friend whose advise is to say to yourself something like "Oh yeah, this is where I feel insecure and want reassurance." or "Oh yeah, this is where I feel less than these beautiful amazing women." Fill in the blank: "Oh yeah, this is where I ________________________." When I do that something shifts, and I can observe myself with compassion and a touch of amusement, and realize these moments will pass. I don't have to grab the thoughts and hang onto them for a bumpy ride. I can let them pass and move on to other thoughts, thoughts that add to my energy rather than deplete it.)

 

I would encourage more writing (which maybe you are already doing privately) exploring the past relationships, what happened, what red flags you see now with your wiser perspective, did you have gut feelings back then you did not understand or act on, etc. That kind of thing. Observing the past. I can't guarantee this is the way to heal completely, but it could help to reinforce your sense of strength by gathering information and understanding about your present self from your past.

 

You are not the same person that your ex cheated on, nor who was heartbroken by past break-ups. You have brought some of that with you into your current sense of self, but don't have to keep it as part of your working energy forever. See the things you did well, and would do again, and see the things you might (or will?) do differently if given another chance.

 

You also can (I believe) consider other possible actions you could have taken in the past in respect to your relationships, and tap into that energy and incorporate that into your present sense of self. Experiment with it and find your best results. In this kind of experiment, you get to throw out what isn't working for you and keep the results that are. You're free to do that.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks so much for your patience JN. Without even thinking hard, I can see a lot of very basic differences between R, my ex and David. There were a lot of red flags in that relationship from quite early on. In fact, I ended that relationship after around 4 months, was then bombarded with flowers, phone calls and him even showing up on my doorstep pleading with me. He had a completely different personality. In fact, when I first met him, I didn't like him and used to avoid him - he knew friends of mine. It was only over a period of at least months that I thought I had misjudged him. I was wrong. My son has said to me that he can understand why I liked him so much as he could be kind and funny and generous. In the early years, there were times he was good to my son. Even thinking about him is exhausting though. I hadn't had a lot of experience with men or life then, and if I met anyone at all like him now, I would bolt.

 

I had very little confidence in my own judgement back then. So many things he did, I would find unacceptable now. I can't even see what I had in common with him now. There were things he did which really won me over and I felt endeared to him. For example, my car died. I was bringing my son up on my own, studying for a degree and working part-time. He bought me an old car, swapped the motor and spray painted it - I had that car for 5 years and it was still running when I sold it.

 

He was always very attentive, often over-attentive to women, especially younger ones, and he was picky about my appearance and clothes. I had so little confidence in myself. There were quite a lot of people he was unpopular with, and I used to tell myself that he was misunderstood. He had come from a very troubled upbringing and background. I'm sure that had a lot to do with his problems, but it doesn't excuse them. Thinking about him and the relationship still grosses me out.

 

David has this one friend who he has known for years through the flying club. They used to also cycle together. She is stunningly beautiful, successful in her career and lots of money. She would be at least 15 years younger than him and has a long-term partner. I like her a lot - she's a nice person too. I don't feel envious of her in a spiteful way, but I would especially like to be able to bring the type of financial security she has to a relationship. She really does seem to have it all. From what I can make out and what I sense, there has never been anything between them other than friendship. David has told me that even though he thinks so well of her, there are a lot of areas where they don't click - quite fundamental things and he wouldn't be happy sharing her lifestyle.

 

JN, I've read, re-read and re-reading your words and there would be so much I would do differently and actually have. I gave my heart way too quickly and would never give so much of myself again. THanks gain for your helpful post and patience.

[Silverbirch]

JN, I've been thinking I would like to do something like this.

 

link removed

 

I feel I already did lots of talking about that relationship from years ago, but talking hasn't gotten rid of the baggage I still have and the need for constant self-talk because of how my confidence and trust were affected. It's as though I need something spiritual as all the worldly stuff hasn't banished it completely. What do you think? Can you suggest something similar? Thanks.

[journeynow]

I think it's a great idea. There is something powerful about rituals. I used to think rituals were rather meaningless, but over the years, from experience, I've come to understand that symbols, metaphors, visualization, and rituals are quite powerful. Maybe it's because they bypass our logical mind.

 

I posted a thread about letting go rituals. I'll try to find it and post a link.

[journeynow]

I think the ritual you linked to would be powerful even if you didn't set an intent 2 weeks prior to it (if done on the next closest full moon, which is this Saturday).

 

The thread I mentioned doesn't look that helpful, but these might give you additional ideas:

 

("when making a ritual can help to let go")