Question for Women: Ever Worried About Getting Addicted to Sex

[Silverbirch]

Hi,

I'm getting a little worried. Only having sex with the one person (that's what I want) - and truth is, I don't even fantasize about it with anyone else. We've been together 6 months, obviously not living together. Due to our work, we can only get together 2, max 3 times a week at present. When we do see each other, usually we will have sex a couple of times. If we spend the night together, it will be evening and then morning. On top of this, I am finding myself thinking about having sex with him a lot. I spoke with him about it and told him it is not ALL the time, but a lot of the time. I've actually been driving, and I think I get almost like a flashback of previous sex with him, and I have to tell myself not to think about it until I get home. I'm not ready to live with him, and he thinks this is great, but I'm getting to the point where I need to be getting some focus in my mind so I can settle down to work and do all the rest of the things I need to do which require a lot of energy. Even when I have had a lot of sex with him, it only takes me a day to recover. In previous relationships, the sex has decreased over time, but this seems to be increasing - that's new to me.

 

Has anyone else had this issue and concern and can you offer advice on getting to concentrating back on work and all the rest of the stuff we have to do. Thanks in advance.

[mhowe]

Congrats! You have kind of taken down that final wall, or maybe the last brick -- -and are totally into this guy. Ride the wave honey --- it will recede on its own. If I were you, I'd plan to get as much done as possible on the days you don't see him.

 

High Five.

[shannensilvan]

Hi silverbirch,

 

First i want to tell you i think it's very special and good that you have such a good and sparkling sex life with your partner!!

I believe that every relationship is energy with the other person, so in every relation especially between men and woman you can have different sexual energy. This men really feeds your body with his sexual energy and like a river you two come together in this passion and that's why you can't stop thinking about it and get flashbacks al the time. I remember having this with my ex too and i could only think about me and him together having sex and i coulden't wait to see him again.

 

I understand you have to get back together with your work but then try ( after you had sex) to masturbate a few times, for me after i had 3 orgasmes then i will be able to think differently, like the sexual thoughts are cooled down for some time.... I don't know if you have an orgasm when you have sex with him?

[DrKitten]

I'm in a similar boat. We've been together nearly two years, just recently began living together, and the sex still hasn't taken a significant dip. I fantasize about and crave him when he's not around. I've had a handful of previous partners and never felt this way for longer than a few months. It doesn't help that he's lost some weight and is now lifting weights, so his body is becoming even MORE delicious!

 

I wish I could offer a solution for better concentration on other things. Only self-service takes the edge for me for a few hours. I am about to leave the country for two weeks and have no idea how I'm going to cope!

[mhowe]

I'm in a similar boat. We've been together nearly two years, just recently began living together, and the sex still hasn't taken a significant dip. I fantasize about and crave him when he's not around. I've had a handful of previous partners and never felt this way for longer than a few months. It doesn't help that he's lost some weight and is now lifting weights, so his body is becoming even MORE delicious!

 

I wish I could offer a solution for better concentration on other things. Only self-service takes the edge for me for a few hours. I am about to leave the country for two weeks and have no idea how I'm going to cope!

 

I know what you mean. Past the 2 year mark, and I keep thinking, when is this going to end (not that I want it to!!). It's gotten to the point that I start get excited knowing I am going to see him that night --- at work I just have to get into a project that pulls my brain in, because it wants to wander....

[journeynow]

can you offer advice on getting to concentrating back on work and all the rest of the stuff we have to do.

 

it's very special and good that you have such a good and sparkling sex life with your partner!!

 

Congrats! You have kind of taken down that final wall, or maybe the last brick -- -and are totally into this guy. Ride the wave honey --- it will recede on its own. If I were you, I'd plan to get as much done as possible on the days you don't see him.

 

High Five.

 

I share the sentiments: congratulations and enjoy! But also, like mhowe suggested, plan to get as much done as possible in between times, and also start the day with some intense physical activity. There might be yoga or qi gong exercises for redistributing this energy? If the distraction is bothering you while at work, maybe you can take a moment to imagine a cold cold shower, get your focus on other intense sensations. Maybe a quick meditation, several deep breathes, imagining energy running up and down your body and returning to the earth? (I don't know, maybe that last one would make it worse?) Focus on something outside your body, sounds, sights? Experiment—you may devise a technique specific to your energy.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you everyone. Your kind responses are endearing and greatly appreciated. When I was on my way to work this morning, I had started having the sexual thoughts while I was driving and calmly repeatedly told myself that my mind is playing a type of trick on me - I can in fact live without sex with him - at least for a couple of days LOL! This did seem to work. I'm going to try and follow all of your suggestions. I think I've had a light bulb moment after speaking with David this evening.

 

I had a very big and stressful day at work today. I didn't get a proper lunch break or eat. I was actually thinking about this thread on my way home from work. Cimbed into bed with my laptop and fell asleep before I could reply. I woke a few hours later, and strangely, experienced some type of panic attack when I woke. After a while I decided to ring David early to say good-night so that I could just go back to bed and catch up on sleep.

 

He told me he was missing me. He had hoped to come visit me tomorrow in the afternoon, but I am now having to work. We spoke a bit about missing each other, and I realised that it is a lot more than sex I am missing with him. I think we have become best friends, and we are each missing our best friend. As time goes by, I can see a LOT of changes in him. When I first knew him, he had become a fairly reclusive person in many ways, and lived very independently. He hadn't been in a relationship for a very long time, and I remember him telling me more than once that he is unlike other people in that he doesn't need people the way most of us do, and he said that even though he loved me, he wouldn't likely miss me unless he didn't see me for a couple of weeks due partly also to his constant busyness - and he certainly doesn't miss ANYONE else except he missed his daughter after she had been overseas for 3 months but it did take the 3 months for him to miss her. He'd get grumpy with me sometimes when everything seemed to be going particularly well. Something inside me though was telling me to be careful of making a firm judgement either way about what was happening with him. On the one hand, I was mindful of not projecting good qualities onto him as I had with exes - putting them on pedestals. However, there were things about him that didn't add up to him being a cold, distant, unfeeling person.

 

Well, it's like he has come on the level with me now, telling me that he had a lot of defenses up with me, needed to spend more time with me to get to know me longer, and he didn't think I would still be around anyway. He told me tonight that the happiest he ever feels is that when he is with me. He's told me about a lot of insecurities and fears he has, but that he feels safe and happy with me even though we both have to take responsibility for ourselves and take care of our own stuff.

 

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think all the sexual thoughts and urges are NOT just about sex - that I'm missing him - my best friend - and I'm wanting to spend more quality time with him, and that we are both missing the companionship and affection we each bring to each others life.

 

It's looking as though we won't see each other until Friday. I'll have my dance and drumming class in the morning and afternoon, then hopefully we will get to spend some time together Friday night - before I go back to work early Saturday. I wish we had more time together. I still don't believe we are ready to move in together and I'm not going to rush into that, but it's looking very much that until we can live together, the issue of time together is going to be something that will be there most of the time.

 

Thanks again for your support and advice. Hugs.

[sara-pezzini]

I think we have become best friends, and we are each missing our best friend. As time goes by, I can see a LOT of changes in him. When I first knew him, he had become a fairly reclusive person in many ways, and lived very independently. He hadn't been in a relationship for a very long time, and I remember him telling me more than once that he is unlike other people in that he doesn't need people the way most of us do, and he said that even though he loved me, he wouldn't likely miss me unless he didn't see me for a couple of weeks due partly also to his constant busyness -

 

 

wow this sounds exactly like my BF!!! he said that too to me at first....he has always been a loner, doesn't need people, doesn't get close to them, has many walls due to abuse, and he is scared to trust, and over the years he has opened up so much to me and seems to need me more and more, and comes emotionally and physically closer and closer...this is so beautiful to watch!! at first after sex he cuddled for a bit and then rolled onto his other side as far away from me as he could almost...now he sleeps almost on top of me all night, holding me all night, misses me when i go to pee....haha

unfortunately we are still LDR, so we still have to miss each other a lot, but i think with the progress made now, in time he will want to move in together or marry, and thisi s something he never saw coming!

nice isn't it?

and i too am constantly thinking of him and missing him and craving him, his touch and presence, not just sex.....but he is my first so i feel i have a lot of catching up to do, and my mind wanders off a lot too.....if i see his pic, hear his voice, think of him, my body just responds....annoying sometimes! when you're at work for instance...

other than that enjoy the feeling!!!

i do too.....i have also always been scared to open up, love and trust, but i have now completely opened myself up and feel in love, deep....

and to me it sounds you two are the same! beautiful!!!

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Sara. Yes it does seem the same as you describe. The only real difference is that I have had several failed long-term relationships where I was deeply hurt. Because of this, I find that I let go but then experience anxiety due to my fears and insecurities. I think that is becoming less though, and I need time. With my exes, I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to them too soon. I hope in time that things will work out and that I (we)will be able to open up completely to love and remain so. I hope you get to see your man again soon.

[sara-pezzini]

i get the feeling of being hurt and scared!! even though this is my first ever relationship in my late thirties, i always held off because of past experiences, so i too was very scared to be so vulnerable and trust someone, let the love in and not be afraid to love.....that is always scary i suppose, but once you feel this strong you can't help yourself...

but it sounds like you are doing very well now, grounded, yet you fall deeper and deeper and that is a good thing.....and a nice feeling right? lol....

will see him again next week!!! and that thought alone makes juices flow haha.....and goodluck to you too and take the time, no need to rush! you will get there....

just enjoy the ride (no pun intended)

[Silverbirch]

Hugs and Thanks Sara

[Marcopolo]

Yup, don't worry about it. I've had a number of relationships where it just gets more. I think it has to do with your relationship to yourself. And as for being addicted to it, yes, there are sex addicts, but this does not sound like that at all. Addictions have many symptoms you don't seem to list. Just enjoy a great relationship and the rewards of who you are.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Marco. Well, today I am sure I am not addicted. He has done something to annoy me - something that comes from HIS insecurities. Thinking out how I will handle it, but jumping into bed won't be one way I'll deal with it.

[Realitynut]

LOL SB...funny how when they do something that annoy you...it really kills the sex buzzz high...

 

I always said, the more I had, the more I wanted.

 

Went almost 15 yrs. without it with ex-husband. I told Dan that if we did it every day....I'd be pefectly happy. Bext sex ever...but sometimes I felt I was missing the 'tenderness'......just great sex!!! lol

 

I guess I was never happy! Now I have nothing....Dang!

 

Get it as often as you can...the other thing was ....I went thru menopause, and I always heard your 'desire' faded. Mine hadn't seened to. It's all in how much you love the guy.....oh, wth do I know....

[Silverbirch]

Just saw your post Carla. Oh well,didn't die for long less than a day. I lost most of my interest in it at the end of my relationship with the ex. I went on hormone replacement therapy thinking it must have been the change. It was a change alright, but not that one. It all came back, including my period (one month later) when I got together with David.

 

The ex became so sulky and demanding with not just me, but his family, I just couldn't feel that way around him, but I kept hoping and believing it would come back. Wrong - not with him anyway.

[greywolf]

Thanks Marco. Well, today I am sure I am not addicted. He has done something to annoy me - something that comes from HIS insecurities. Thinking out how I will handle it, but jumping into bed won't be one way I'll deal with it.

 

I've never worried about being addicted to sex, but I do worry about how pathetic I am for sex when I'm really into someone. It's really easy to manipulate me when it comes to sex. It cheers me up when I'm upset. And being annoyed or angry at my partner doesn't kill my desire for it.

[Silverbirch]

Grey, I had this anxiety in my stomach yesterday from stress, partly due to work, and I felt so much better after sex. I'm not sure whether I can be manipulated with sex, but I do get this feeling sometimes of feeling sort of powerless for liking sex so much - but I only have that with my present partner, and not feeling like I need to go get it with anyone else, even if he wasn't available or open to it.

 

I have had "making up sex" with present partner, but so far at least, there has been a good deal of affection before. When we saw the Tantra dvd, part of the dvd was about "making up sex" which wasn't very different to what we already do anyway, and he commented how much he likes that. With my exes, I don't think we ever had that.