wanting a divorce

[beckster023]

Are there people here that want a divorce, know a divorce is the right thing and stays out of guilt? I want to be out of the marriage I am in and feel trapped. My husband wants the marriage. I am putting what he wants before what I want and don't understand why. I don't understand why I can't find it in myself to look at him and say "I am sorry, but I am not happy and want to be alone". We went to marriage counseling. He went for a while and told me he will not go back unless it will make the marriage work. He never went again. All the reasons why I am at this point don't even seem to matter because too much has happened for things to ever work. I don't want to split so I can go out and date, I just want to be alone with my kids.

 

I know there is not a magic answer that will solve the problem. I just wondered if there were others that are in the same situation.

 

Beck

[DN]

What about him and his kids? Won't he have them much of the time?

[beckster023]

I would never keep him from the kids. I would want a fair custody agreement.

[Circe]

I am putting what he wants before what I want and don't understand why.

 

Well.. it's not hard to understand why, is it? You would carry around a lot of guilt about making a decision that takes him away from his kids for at least 50% of the time he would otherwise have had with them; upsets the kids; causes a man you probably still love a heap of emotional pain; and breaks the promise you made when you got married.

 

It makes sense that this is not a decision you can lightly make. I think you should tell him how you feel. I suggest trying a few different counsellors until you find one that you both believe can actually help.

 

You haven't told us what the issues are and you haven't asked for help with them. All I can say is that it does make sense that's it's not easy to walk away from a marriage. It shouldn't be easy. There are times when you absolutely should do it (like if he is abusive).. but if the problems are more like "I love him but I'm not in love.. or we've grown apart" - then it's worth working on.

[Lester]

Ditto Circe~

Also,

Be careful with the green grass fantasy. Single parent family equaling happiness is just as GG as running away with a secret "savior".

 

If you were compatible from the start and he is not abusive then most likely your reasoning is flawed. You must change and fight for the marriage you think you deserve.

[RadicalDreamer]

For what it's worth, I'm sort of in the same boat. I have thought about divorce before. I too have determined that if for some reason this doesn't work, then I'm going it alone. No relationships, no love, because I'm running on fumes as it is, and if I can't bring it back, then I have to assume there's nothing left.

 

BUT because of that, I've also determined that with this being my last shot at a relationship, I'm not letting it go without a fight. If there's a chance that I can bring it back, it's worth it. And if not, I can know that we did our best, instead of carrying a lifetime of "what-if" regrets. Treat it like your last chance, and grab it with both hands!

 

It sounds like your husband wants a counselor who's guaranteed to help the marriage. Try to find a good one, but realize that one cannot demand a guaranteed "save." It's not even within spitting distance of a reasonable request! No counselor has the magic words that will save a relationship. If it were that simple there would be no need for a counselor in the first place!

 

There are no guarantees, there's only grit and determination and the hope-against-hope that it will be enough.

 

I agree with Lester that you should give it every chance. If the raw materials are still there for a happy marriage, work as far as you can. But the only person who can know whether you're working "hard enough" at it is you. Absolutely no one else on earth has the right to make that call. Certainly no one on this forum. We can only urge you to give it your best and to look deep into your heart before pulling the proverbial trigger. To ask yourself, in essence "is this right?"

 

I think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be alone as opposed to being in a marriage, provided you make every effort to rebuild the marriage first. It doesn't necessarily mean someone is suffering from GIG delusions, it might just mean they want to be alone and they no longer have the strength to "Fake it till they make it." It might mean they want to stop not only having to grapple with the relationship, they want to stop feeling like a terrible person for having to "push" their way through each day instead of having the love for the partner that they once did. When faced with things over which they have no direct control, people can be like that.

 

But just because it's not wrong doesn't mean it's right for you. Again, make every possible effort to salvage the marriage.

 

And, the real question--is being together really better for the both of you?

[gingerlemon]

I identify with a lot of what you are saying (except I'm not convinced divorce is the right thing and there are no children involved). I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here and I don't have anything to add - but I wanted to wish you good luck in figuring it all out.

[top bloke]

If you are not happy in the marriage and you genuinely dont want to be there then there is no saving it. If you have done everything to make it work then you have to look at yourself and realise that to be happy again you need momentum to move forward. If you dont want to stay then why stay?