I'm so confused and feel sick to my stomach! Someone please help=/

[Celestial23]

If I could undo everything that happened, I would def shoot myself in the foot or shoulder...(and you think I'm kidding)

 

It's not the break up that is the hardest part, it's what I did that is killing me the most.

[EgoJoe]

I said I'd retire from this thread but I decided to comment on this.

 

I see self-deprecation, self-pity and rationalization. Regret is the most powerful learning tool in the human arsenal. However, I want to add that you already have spat upon and devalued your entire relationship. If he was the best guy you knew, then why did you step out on him for super ficial butterflies?

 

You know why that other guy won't talk to you...who wants to talk to a broad who cheats on her LT boyfriend?

 

If you truly cared about him you would tell him the truth.

[DN]

I think your ex-boyfriend deserves the truth about the cheating. Saying you don't want to hurt him is an excuse to avoid him thinking less of you.

 

In terms of learning from this, you should also analyse what you would have done had the guy you cheated with wanted to continue the relationship - would that have made a difference in regretting what you had done and made leaving your boyfriend easier?

[PJK]

Maybe you're feeling so * * * * ty because you LIED lied to him. I wish I knew your ex because I would tell him, I feel so bad for him. My ex did the same thing to me and lied to me...she swore up and down that there was no other guy in the picture but I knew there was something she wasn't telling me. So you know what I did? One night I cracked checked her emails and found one she wrote to a friend where she admitted everything...it hurt 1000x worse to find out that way and know that she respected me so little and was so selfish to keep it from me, but knowing that definitely allowed me get over her a hell of a lot faster than I would have if I was still thinking that I was in the wrong.

 

Trust me, if you wanted to save him the pain you should have just been honest. The initial sting may have hurt more but it would clear the air and allow him to form an opinion of you based on all the facts. You are ABSOLUTELY accomplishing the opposite of what you are intending. Do not come on here looking for sympathy with the BS that you're lying to him for his sake...we, with experience in these matters, know you're doing this for no one but yourself.

 

All that being said, you can still grow a conscience or some balls and tell him. I really hope you do.

[Celestial23]

Okay guys, I know I screwed up okay? I feel bad enough as is. I wish I knew the answer to why I did what I did, I do feel awful! My friends said there is no reason to intentionally hurt him any more! I broke it off and we can both move on, if he had asked me straight out if there was someone else I wouldn't have lied.

 

I have gotten rid of all contact with him so I have no way of contacting him again. I feel awful, I feel sick, I'm throwing up...We've broken up but I still feel this way and I will continue to feel this way. This is the pain that I caused for myself. I'm not trying to rationalize it, I am still kicking myself as to why it happened over and over.

 

But the best thing I could have done was let him go. I'm not going to see him again, and IF I ever do, I will let him know okay? If I didn't care about him I wouldn't be feeling like I had the flu right now (shakes, bowl irregularities, throwing up, dry mouth, insomnia) I just need to live my life here on out and be honest now forward and not worry about dating anyone until I can get my stuff in check. Honestly if the roles were reversed, I seriously wouldn't have wanted to know if there was someone else...That someone else was a few times of messing around and I will never see him again...Ugh I feel so sick. If I was still with that person I would have told him but considering I will never even see either of them again, there is no need in hurting a person more than they already are.

 

He will move on and find happiness. I swear I have no idea what happened happened, that is not in my character AT ALL and I feel physically ill just thinking about it. I just can't believe it and am so angry at myself.

 

I feel bad enough which is why I told him to move on without me. Hopefully I can learn from this situation, I feel ill and feels as though I should just die. That isn't something I would do, but I can't say it hasn't been thought about.

 

Why do any of us do the things we do? I know some people that love their spouses/partners and cheat on them for years on end etc. I made a mistake by doing it but I swear it is a mistake I would NEVER EVER EVER do again. I know what it's like now and it feels like * * * * . Isn't it better to be sick with guilt/regret then to just shrug it off and not think much of it? He deserves the best in life, really he does, and I know he will get it. What we shared together will never be wasted.

 

That being said with no way to contact him, how do I move on from this?

[MikNomis]

If I were adopted I would want to know, if my dad weren't actually dead he just left us long ago I would want to know, and if I were cheated on I would want to know. Make sure if you do get that chance, tell him.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. You made a big mistake yes, and I really really hope you never have to make this same mistake ever again. I hope you start feeling better soon too.

 

There's not too much you can do at the moment other than allow some time to heal. During that time try to keep busy. Hang out with friends often, and stay occupied with responsibilities whether it be school or work or anything. Just try not to do nothing unless it's sleeping. Your life will eventually become normal again don't worry.

 

Also, stop taking advice from your friend; it sucks.

[soybeans]

You did the right thing by breaking up with him, not sure if the manner in which you did so was alright, but it had to be done. I know you are overwhelmed with emotions right now so I think it would be okay to take a day or two to recollect yourself, but you HAVE to be honest with him about this. Let your feelings (and stomach) settle then gather your thoughts, and find a way to tell him about what you did, the real reason for breaking this off. Own up to your actions please, you owe him that much. If you hold this in, your feelings of guilt will only pile up more and more if you decide to go strict NC, you might end up contacting him because of it, and further messing up his head (and yours). If you get it off your chest now I think it will be easier for you both to move on.

[duke nukem]

Definitely tell him. Find a way to contact him again and let him know the truth. It's the only fair thing to do for both you and him.

 

 

And though I'm not justifying your actions, it seems as though he could have been more affectionate and cared about your feelings. For what it's worth.

[Celestial23]

Thank you guys, I do agree he could have been but I also don't blame him for my mistake. I know that he wouldn't even think of cheating on me, but I had told him over and over that 10-15 MINUTES of sex a MONTH wasn't enough and could he please do more to keep the passion alive but it was always, "I'm tired, my stomach hurt, etc etc" If we were able to see each other on a regular basis, this would have never happened. But maybe this was meant to happen to teach me an important lesson? I'm not sure...I believe "Everything happens for a reason" is true to an extent.

 

I think I only threw up like 5 times last night and was tossing and turning with butterflies constantly. I am going to try and just be with my friends and focus on school/career.

 

Yeah I made a big mistake but the rest of us wasn't a lie, what we had was great. I just should of ended it back in December; He had said he noticed me being more distant when he was down here for a month and there wasn't anyone else in the picture.

 

I will tell him eventually, but I know it won't be for awhile because like I said I have lost ALL contact of him. I deleted his number to resist from calling him (I didn't have it memorized, I don't have anyone's number memorized) and he doesn't have a facebook etc.

 

Some day, even if it's months from now or a year from now he will know the truth. It's prob best that I wait awhile until the opportunity presents itself to contact him anyways (if it does) That way I could still get the truth out to him but he won't be so fresh with hurt upon hurt.

 

It just makes me sick(literally) because I had always thought of myself as a good person and prided myself on my morals before this...Like I said nothing like this has EVER happened before and I'm usually a really loyal person and everything.

 

But when this semester started not only did I only see him just once a month, but he kept telling me how busy he was and we barely had time to talk even. He told me to stop whining so much and being so needy, but I was only telling him how I felt and could we please work on it.

 

Actually a few months ago, I called him and had brought up the idea of breaking up. I told him exactly how I felt on everything and started crying and even though I was having these really strong feelings I cared about him enough to want to work on it and make it work. He had said he would try harder, but then he got caught up with studies and everything...I'm def staying away from the bar scene for awhile, that's where I met this guy was at karaoke. There were some other guys that I met at karaoke etc (I like having karaoke partners etc) over the course of our relationship but nothing ever happened with them, we were just friends for awhile but in the end I didn't stay friends with any of them. Is there a link removed for Friends?? I have quite a few guy friends just because I've found I get along better with them and are less drama (I have 2 guy friends of 5 years and 6 years and nothing has/would never happen between us. They are like brothers between us. One of my friends I will be talking to night, he knew my boyfriend and hung out with us and def liked him, but at the same time he realizes this is for the best. He would always try to get him to be more adventerous and go out and do things, he didn't drink or want to go out. I drink some, but I've only really been DRUNK once (come to think of it, that was the first time I did anything with that guy. Had I not been drunk I feel nothing would have happened and it wouldn't of opened pandora's box but he kept insisting on buy me a drink) But now, besides my few close guy friends that have always stayed platonic weather I'm with someone, single, on the rebound etc I REALLY want to expand my circle for gal pals. But how?

 

I know he loved me, but I think he may be silently thanking me for breaking it off too because now he can focus on his studies etc without distractions, I really thought he was too busy for a relationship. He had always told me with everything, "Whatever I start I finish." I say, "Why are you still watching this movie if you don't like it?" He says, "Because I started it." I wonder if that was the principle he thought with me too.

 

I'm just curious if he had noticed this drifting apart back in December/Christmas break why he didn't bring it up and just kept it to himself? If he had noticed it I would of wanted to work on it again...

 

I guess what's done is done, but will I start to feel normal again and ever have a shot of happiness in the future? Like I said, done with guys for awhile I'm just going to keep myself busy, but I wonder if I will ever find love again?

[lostandhurt]

If you learned from all this then it wasn't a total loss.

 

You got caught up in a fantasy with the other guy and only saw what you wanted to see. Remember in the future if a guy knows you have a bf and you are exclusive and he still wants to fool around with you then he probably doesn't have very good character does he?

 

 

Read through what you have written here. Is this the person you want to be? Would you want your brother to have a girl like you in his life? You weren't redy to be in a relationship and still aren't. You need to figure out who you are and what you want for your life before you involve someone else in it.

 

This is all very sad but all to common. I hope your ex finds someone special for his life and if you didn't use condoms with this other guy you go get checked for std's.

 

Give your ex time to heal and if he contacts you help him all you can. It just might help you as well...

 

Selfishness = cheating

Cheating = selfishness

 

You feel remorse which means to me that you truly feel bad for your actions which is a good start.

 

Lost

[Celestial23]

Yeah I agree. I feel like we needed to break up back in the summer but I didn't have the courage to do it, but what happned (as awful and how very much I regret it) was what finally let me make the leap. I wish he had done it back then...And no, this is NOT the person I want to be, I can change that though right? I mean we were only 18 when we got together.

 

It's ironic though because I was so filled with lust/passion, and now when I think about what happened I feel sick and don't want anything to do with sex or anything like that for awhile...If I get into another relationship, it's going to be quite awhile before that happens again.

 

Lost and hurt, if my ex ever contacts me again do you think I should tell him what fully happened or do you think I shouldn't hurt him anymore and help him the best I can in other ways? I have a feeling he won't contact me though.

[Koglin]

You're too confused to be in a relationship. Tell your boyfriend what you did and how you feel so that he can decide if you're worth it. As far as relationships are concerned, I think you still have a few years of experimenting and maturing to do before you engage in a serious relationship. Passion minimizes itself quickly in most relationships so you look for ways of re-creating that passion rather than cheating.

[pl3asehelp]

Break up with him and tell him that you've cheated. He doesn't need you to be the one to make a decision for him that he needs to be kept in the dark to keep him from feeling the pain of reality. If you don't tell him the truth, he could be left in love with you and pining for you for years, not moving on with his life and you would be 100% to blame for that because had you told the truth, he'd probably be disgusted and never want to be with you again.

[DN]

There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of posts on here over the years from people who have been dumped who are stuck in some sort of limbo because they don't know what really happened. They suspect but don't know and they want 'closure'.

 

So your friends (and remember they are your friends not his friends saying this) are not thinking of him they are thinking of you. You will gladly accept their advice because you don't want him to think worse of you than he already does. That is self-serving and has nothing to do with protecting him from further hurt.

 

He deserves the truth - knowing you cheated will hurt him but in the long run it will help him move through the stages of loss faster and more effectively. The truth will set him free.

[HeartGoesOn]

Some day, even if it's months from now or a year from now he will know the truth. It's prob best that I wait awhile until the opportunity presents itself to contact him anyways (if it does) That way I could still get the truth out to him but he won't be so fresh with hurt upon hurt.

 

One of the most important parts of learning a lesson from this is by not choosing the easy way out, as in waiting for another time to tell him, but to own up to the choices you made, and by showing him the respect which he certainly deserves.

[PJK]

Please don't wait months or years to tell him...I find it very hard to believe that you have been dating this guy for 4 years and you have no idea how to get in contact with him outside of a phone number or facebook...does he have an email address, a real address, friends with phone numbers or facebook, family? When my ex broke up with me I deleted her facebook and phone number (the easiest ways to get ahold of her) as well but if I reeeeeeeally wanted to, there are still a hundred ways I could get in contact with her.

 

He needs to know, it is the ONLY way he can properly move on!

 

Reading this thread is like watching a train wreck...I know I can't help but I just can't look away haha...

[Celestial23]

Well I already did break up with him, and actually I can't really think of a way to contact him in all honestly. I deleted his number I don't have it memorized, I deleted his mom's number etc, he doesn't have a facebook and he cancelled his email account and got a different one that I have no idea what it is.

 

If I ever get in contact with him, or he contacts me, I will make sure he knows.

 

Ironically enough, he left the room one time when I was at his grand parent's house and she told me, "If you ever have an affair, you take it to the grave and don't tell anyone" I'm not really sure why she told me that, but she did. In a sense, almost like saying "If you have one, don't break my grandson's heart anymore and tell him"

 

I did the right thing in breaking up with him, and if we ever talk again I will let him know what happened.

 

This song, describes how I feel right now:

 

 

 

And even if I can't get in contact with him, he will move on. he had seen it coming for awhile...Although I wish he had tried to talk to me, I always did.

[DN]

Sorry, but I think it highly unlikely that you can't get in contact with him. If winning a million dollars was contingent on contacting him I bet you would find a way.

[Celestial23]

Even then I doubt I could...He wasn't much into the communication world anyways and I really deleted any possible link I could of thought of.

[Celestial23]

I think I will follow this as my guide, it has pretty good advice.

 

link removed

[DN]

Seems like a good plan to follow for the moment anyway.

[Celestial23]

Yes I agree. Btw, I really appreciate you guys helping me out. It feels good to have some people to talk to. I used to come to this site a lot when I was younger years ago, and I think I may start going to a few other forums just to have some more people to talk to who have experience in the matter. This site helped me a lot when I was younger with issues I was having.

[Pinnacle]

Emotions are a hell of a drug and your behavior reflects that.

 

"I've never done this before."

"This isn't who I am."

 

Please, do not rationalize what you did. You acted upon your attraction towards a new man. Don't fell bad. This happens every day all over the place.

 

Just learn that THIS is the power of attraction. Attraction to your mate trumps ALL else. And I'm not talking about looks...just attraction. This is what guys need to key on. If a girl ISN'T attracted to you, game over. You can't "make" her feel that way. She does or she doesn't. You breaking up with your boyfriend and sleeping with a new guy just reflects that.

[Celestial23]

Yeah I understand where you are coming from...If I had just ended it a few months earlier none of this would have happened but he kept begging me to stay.

 

I think I stayed for all the wrong reasons...I stayed because the relationship was safe and I knew he loved me and I didn't want him to be upset by me leaving him, I was pretty much staying to keep from being alone and keeping him happy but that is no reason to stay in a relationship and I realized this the hard way.

[duke nukem]

The past is like a ghost. You can let it haunt you, or learn from it and put it to rest. I believe you should tell him sooner than later.