Celestial23 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 So I will be celebrating my boyfriend and I's 4 year anniversary in a few weeks. I'm 22 and we have been dating since we were 18, the first 2.5 years were GREAT! I never even thought about another man. Lately, (I'd say the past year or so) I've been feeling like passion has gone our relationship. He goes to school 6 hrs away and so we would see each other one weekend a month during the school year and then he'd be here 4 months summer, 2 months Christmas etc. I love him, but I have been questioning weather not I was still IN love with him because passion is a HUGE thing in my relationship and I just felt like I wasn't getting it. Even when he would come down for a weekend, sometimes we would only have sex once. Not like the sex isn't good, I just get lonely when he isn't here and want someone to be with on a regular basis! He is done with college for good come December. Now for the dilemma: I do a lot of karaoke and I met a guy who was I had mutual friends with, we hit it off right away and started flirting. He said he was sorry I had a boyfriend and I said but we could still be friends. So we hung out a few more times after this, just friends. Well one time my car broke down and I was feeling really upset so I needed a ride. We went back to his place to watch a movie (I knew in the back of my mind this was a bad idea but I couldn't help it) We ended up getting naked and fingering etc, no oral or sex yet. Well after this we kept talking and we talked ALL the time, (This went on for a few weeks) We would send pictures, sexy texts etc. I said no physical stuff, that was a ONE TIME thing. Well it wasn't before long before feelings for him started developing, he's a Gemini just like me and we seemed to get along great! I became so infactuated with him I was highly rethinking my relationship with my boyfriend, when he came down this past weekend I felt like no passion and all I can think about is this guy. I had decided I was going to break up with him but wait until he came down for Spring Break to do it so I could do it in person and we could have a week to recooperate etc. I had told my mom and a lot of people I know that the reason why I was breaking it off was because I felt too dependent on him and wanted to make sure I had an established career in my field, and I was willing to just drop everything and leave at the end of the year if he happened to find a job in another state and then I would lose my career. I did mention I was def having interest in other guys, like wondering what it would be like to be with another guy before we tied the knot etc (I've even mentioned it to him and gave him the green light to have a fling but he wouldn't take it) and I didn't want to go into marriage etc with regrets and considering I had only slept with just him and my ex ever (2 people) it scared me to death knowing he could be the last man I ever slept with. Well I had my mind made up and I was feeling pretty good, I was talking to this guy and he liked the idea too, I felt like he was the one who gave me the courage I needed. Last time we hung out we ended up doing some more stuff in his car when we went out to listen to a song together, I went down on him a little bit. I had made plans to go over the next day and told him I wouldn't sleep with him until that 3 weeks was up. However, it happened twice...I never in a million years pictured myself doing this!! This marks 3 men I've slept with now...I've never had sex outside of a relationship so of course I was thinking that we could start dating after I broke up with my boyfriend since I felt so strong about him, start out slowly and work my way up. I was seeing the future and everything. However, he was texting me all the time constantly before we had sex. He kissed me last night when I left and told me to text him when I was home. I said I was home and he responded with "Ok=)" I then said, "So how was I in bed?" no response, it was late so I know he went to sleep. However, I sent a text about 2 hours ago saying "Am I still desirable to you now that we've had sex?" His work is closed now so there is no reason not to text back, he hasn't...and I'm not sure if he will. But he seemed so sweet and to really care about me! I feel used. This is so out of character for me and honestly I have no idea why I did it!! I had my mind so made up I was going to break up with my boyfriend, have been distant with him over the phone and everything and had mentally accepted it, (or so I thought) I feel sick to my stomach. As I am writing this I am in tears because I know I made a mistake. Sleeping him wasn't what it was cracked up to be, I had such high passion for it and everything (yes the sex was GREAT) but I feel really really REALLY bad now. Like awful. I know the prospect of he and I dating will now prob never work out and that means I'd be left with neither of them if I break up. I don't like being alone! But when I think about my boyfriend and not being with him I break down crying, I feel like I'm about to throw up (and prob will) and the prospect of me telling him any of this shatters me because I know he will be devestated, prob put me on a break anyways, and then he can't trust me and we may not get back together either. Part of me is still hoping and hoping that this guy will text me back. But the feeling I'm getting, "Desperation, hinging on his every move. If he talks to me I'm on cloud 9! If he doesn't I feel really upset" But an even bigger part of me really regrets what I did, if I could have a magic wand and erase everything I did I would. I feel so bad. Yes the distance is hard, and I feel like this is what killed part of our passion. But I really don't think I've fallen out of love with him if I feel this bad now, I feel so sick. He is SUCH a great guy and the longest relationship I have been in. I'm sobbing right now as my vision blurs trying to type the remainder of this novel out. He cares for me, he loves me. I now know what it's like to sleep with someone and have great passion and not be in a relationship with them, great sex but it is NOT worth it!! I wish I could take it back...I'm not the type to sleep with someone not in a relationship, and now that I have I would want to be in a relationship with him or if I stayed with my boyfriend I would never talk to him again and delete his number. I feel so bad! How could I have done this to such a great man?? He's never even gone past kissing with anyone but me and I feel AWFUL. This would totally destroy him and we may never get back together IF I told him. I feel like this is out of my system now (although I still feel if the guy was to talk to me I would respond, but only if he would be interested in going further) But the idea of losing my boyfriend I can't take. I was so distant from him this weekend and omg he is such a sweet guy and now I can't stop crying because it's just now hit me how important he is to me. What do I do? I'm a human, I made a mistake, but can he forgive him? Should I even tell him and just live with the guilt and move on and now that I've had my little "fling" and realized it's not what it's cracked up to be just leave it in the past? I still have these feelings for this guy, but I know what's more important and I would be willing to drop them. I feel awful, just awful. I don't know what came over me, him not being there and feeling neglected and not having the passion (even when we hang out we are very different because he isn't musical etc a writer, or even really out going like I am) But somehow we made it work for so long. I'm so angry at myself. Earlier I looked back on last night and felt great, now I just feel used and so dirty and hate myself for what I did to my boyfriend who has been NOTHING but good to me (even if our relationship has been a little dull lately) I feel like I deserve death because I've messed up so bad. This feeling is killing me and I still am in disbelief of what I did. What should I do?? Please someone help, I'm in need of advice. I am totally torn=((( Link to comment
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