I'm so confused and feel sick to my stomach! Someone please help=/

[Celestial23]

So I will be celebrating my boyfriend and I's 4 year anniversary in a few weeks. I'm 22 and we have been dating since we were 18, the first 2.5 years were GREAT! I never even thought about another man. Lately, (I'd say the past year or so) I've been feeling like passion has gone our relationship. He goes to school 6 hrs away and so we would see each other one weekend a month during the school year and then he'd be here 4 months summer, 2 months Christmas etc. I love him, but I have been questioning weather not I was still IN love with him because passion is a HUGE thing in my relationship and I just felt like I wasn't getting it. Even when he would come down for a weekend, sometimes we would only have sex once. Not like the sex isn't good, I just get lonely when he isn't here and want someone to be with on a regular basis! He is done with college for good come December.

 

Now for the dilemma: I do a lot of karaoke and I met a guy who was I had mutual friends with, we hit it off right away and started flirting. He said he was sorry I had a boyfriend and I said but we could still be friends. So we hung out a few more times after this, just friends. Well one time my car broke down and I was feeling really upset so I needed a ride. We went back to his place to watch a movie (I knew in the back of my mind this was a bad idea but I couldn't help it) We ended up getting naked and fingering etc, no oral or sex yet.

 

Well after this we kept talking and we talked ALL the time, (This went on for a few weeks) We would send pictures, sexy texts etc. I said no physical stuff, that was a ONE TIME thing. Well it wasn't before long before feelings for him started developing, he's a Gemini just like me and we seemed to get along great!

 

I became so infactuated with him I was highly rethinking my relationship with my boyfriend, when he came down this past weekend I felt like no passion and all I can think about is this guy. I had decided I was going to break up with him but wait until he came down for Spring Break to do it so I could do it in person and we could have a week to recooperate etc.

 

I had told my mom and a lot of people I know that the reason why I was breaking it off was because I felt too dependent on him and wanted to make sure I had an established career in my field, and I was willing to just drop everything and leave at the end of the year if he happened to find a job in another state and then I would lose my career. I did mention I was def having interest in other guys, like wondering what it would be like to be with another guy before we tied the knot etc (I've even mentioned it to him and gave him the green light to have a fling but he wouldn't take it) and I didn't want to go into marriage etc with regrets and considering I had only slept with just him and my ex ever (2 people) it scared me to death knowing he could be the last man I ever slept with.

 

Well I had my mind made up and I was feeling pretty good, I was talking to this guy and he liked the idea too, I felt like he was the one who gave me the courage I needed. Last time we hung out we ended up doing some more stuff in his car when we went out to listen to a song together, I went down on him a little bit.

 

I had made plans to go over the next day and told him I wouldn't sleep with him until that 3 weeks was up. However, it happened twice...I never in a million years pictured myself doing this!! This marks 3 men I've slept with now...I've never had sex outside of a relationship so of course I was thinking that we could start dating after I broke up with my boyfriend since I felt so strong about him, start out slowly and work my way up. I was seeing the future and everything.

 

However, he was texting me all the time constantly before we had sex. He kissed me last night when I left and told me to text him when I was home. I said I was home and he responded with "Ok=)"

 

I then said, "So how was I in bed?" no response, it was late so I know he went to sleep.

 

However, I sent a text about 2 hours ago saying "Am I still desirable to you now that we've had sex?" His work is closed now so there is no reason not to text back, he hasn't...and I'm not sure if he will. But he seemed so sweet and to really care about me!

 

I feel used. This is so out of character for me and honestly I have no idea why I did it!! I had my mind so made up I was going to break up with my boyfriend, have been distant with him over the phone and everything and had mentally accepted it, (or so I thought)

 

I feel sick to my stomach. As I am writing this I am in tears because I know I made a mistake. Sleeping him wasn't what it was cracked up to be, I had such high passion for it and everything (yes the sex was GREAT) but I feel really really REALLY bad now. Like awful.

 

I know the prospect of he and I dating will now prob never work out and that means I'd be left with neither of them if I break up. I don't like being alone!

 

But when I think about my boyfriend and not being with him I break down crying, I feel like I'm about to throw up (and prob will) and the prospect of me telling him any of this shatters me because I know he will be devestated, prob put me on a break anyways, and then he can't trust me and we may not get back together either.

 

Part of me is still hoping and hoping that this guy will text me back. But the feeling I'm getting, "Desperation, hinging on his every move. If he talks to me I'm on cloud 9! If he doesn't I feel really upset" But an even bigger part of me really regrets what I did, if I could have a magic wand and erase everything I did I would.

 

I feel so bad. Yes the distance is hard, and I feel like this is what killed part of our passion. But I really don't think I've fallen out of love with him if I feel this bad now, I feel so sick. He is SUCH a great guy and the longest relationship I have been in. I'm sobbing right now as my vision blurs trying to type the remainder of this novel out.

 

He cares for me, he loves me. I now know what it's like to sleep with someone and have great passion and not be in a relationship with them, great sex but it is NOT worth it!! I wish I could take it back...I'm not the type to sleep with someone not in a relationship, and now that I have I would want to be in a relationship with him or if I stayed with my boyfriend I would never talk to him again and delete his number.

 

I feel so bad! How could I have done this to such a great man?? He's never even gone past kissing with anyone but me and I feel AWFUL. This would totally destroy him and we may never get back together IF I told him. I feel like this is out of my system now (although I still feel if the guy was to talk to me I would respond, but only if he would be interested in going further)

 

But the idea of losing my boyfriend I can't take. I was so distant from him this weekend and omg he is such a sweet guy and now I can't stop crying because it's just now hit me how important he is to me.

 

What do I do? I'm a human, I made a mistake, but can he forgive him? Should I even tell him and just live with the guilt and move on and now that I've had my little "fling" and realized it's not what it's cracked up to be just leave it in the past?

 

I still have these feelings for this guy, but I know what's more important and I would be willing to drop them. I feel awful, just awful. I don't know what came over me, him not being there and feeling neglected and not having the passion (even when we hang out we are very different because he isn't musical etc a writer, or even really out going like I am) But somehow we made it work for so long.

 

I'm so angry at myself. Earlier I looked back on last night and felt great, now I just feel used and so dirty and hate myself for what I did to my boyfriend who has been NOTHING but good to me (even if our relationship has been a little dull lately)

 

I feel like I deserve death because I've messed up so bad. This feeling is killing me and I still am in disbelief of what I did.

 

What should I do?? Please someone help, I'm in need of advice. I am totally torn=(((

[Capricorn3]

I'm a human, I made a mistake, but can he forgive him? Should I even tell him and just live with the guilt and move on and now that I've had my little "fling" and realized it's not what it's cracked up to be just leave it in the past?

 

I still have these feelings for this guy,

 

What should I do??

First of all, cheating is never a mistake - it's a CHOICE. You had many opportunities NOT to go through with it, but you went ahead anyway, not just once, but several times. That's not a mistake.

 

What to do? I would say that the decent thing to do would be to tell your boyfriend the truth and let HIM decide if he still wants to be with you. That said, I think it best to break up with him seeing as you say you still have feelings for the other guy - which is NOT fair to your boyfriend. Do the right thing and tell the truth. He deserves the truth. How would YOU feel if he did this to you?

[Celestial23]

Well obviously bad but considering the circumstances I really wish he would. And I doubt this other guy (which makes it even worse) will even be in the picture which makes me feel even more dirty and used because since sex he hasn't responded or tried to get in contact with me.

 

I was just so lonely and void of passion...Maybe I should just break up with him and NOT tell him (he deserves not to be hurt) and then try to finish my life on my own because I've been so dependent on relationships?

[soybeans]

You made a mistake the first time, but you went back and did it again not only once more but two times. If your needs weren't being met within your relationship, you should have communicated this to him instead of just going behind his back to have this fling. I know you feel bad about this but it's only because you were selfish and didn't get your way. The guy used you, got what he wanted, then moved on to the next one. I think if he would have responded favorably then you would have had no problem dumping your BF for him.

 

Did you ever stop to think about this genius master plan of stringing him along for another month while you were messing around with another guy? Sure...after it all went down and you were left feeling played. You admitted you weren't even going to be upfront about the reasons why you were going to break up with him. So not only were you cheating on him on more than one occasion, which in my mind does not fall into the category of a "mistake", but you were going to lie and completely blindside him with the BU? He would be left confused and lost, after a 4 year relationship, having to pick up the pieces just in time to graduate...no doubt an important life event for him.

 

I don't think you would be feeling bad if you didn't feel rejected by this guy...you would have just kept cheating until you the time came to break up. If you feel as bad as you say you do, I think you should come clean to your bf and risk losing him. What is the other option? Continue on and hide this from him? You did something wrong and he does not deserve to be strung along anymore. It doesn't seem like you are satisfied with the relationship anyway, so maybe it will be for the best.

[Celestial23]

If something were to happen with this guy or he had wanted to go forward I wouldn't have done anything else with him until those weeks were up. I just wanted to wait for those weeks to be up so I could break up with him in person and he could have a week off and have family to be with and lessen the pain...I was trying to do it for him, but in the end I ended up messing it up for the both of us.

[Capricorn3]

I was just so lonely and void of passion...

 

Maybe I should just break up with him and NOT tell him (he deserves not to be hurt)

You had many opportunities to discuss how you felt about feeling lonely and the lack of passion, but you chose not to tell him any of this so he was/IS blissfully unaware about how you felt and feel. You didn't even give him the chance to make things right, but instead you went and flirted with another and had sex with them instead.

 

Breaking up with him and not telling him the reason why, is wrong (imo). He deserves the truth. Would you lie to him about the reason for breaking up? Just adding to yet another lie? Remember, lies eventually catch up with you.

[Celestial23]

You are wrong on that one...I can't even count HOW MANY TIMES I have told him we need more passion, I need more spark in our relationship, I had even brought up to him on multiple occasions I was thinking about what it would be like to be with other guys because I had only ever been with him and my ex. I brought it up constantly, and nothing really changed much. I def tried, I tried very hard.

 

I feel like I would rather have him lie to me about breaking up for the reason.

 

This is what my best friend said:

 

"You shouldn't tell him but I don't think you should settle for comfortable. What if this happens again? Being single is hard especially after a long relationship. You need to always be happy and not just comfy, weigh your options."

 

If we stayed together, I would almost wish he would cheat on me.

[EgoJoe]

OP: You have so much growing up to do. You are rationalizing what you've done and not telling your BF/Ex-BF (blurry line IMO) in order to spare yourself guilt and shame. Cheating is a choice and sometimes the CHOICES we make are MISTAKES based on how things turn out but that is also a blurry subjective line.

 

Mark my words. Your Ex-BF/Boyfriend whatever is no dumby and he probably knows something is up. To ask someone to make a decision while withholding information is to deny them of their free will. If you do not come forward and be honest this will eventually eat you up inside or you'll continue to perform cognative dissonance to justify and rationalize your actions.

 

I think that you don't have too much emotional intelligence and lack emotional maturity but that is a natural part of growing up. Believe it or not you have already hurt your BF/Ex-BF and I would imagine that he has been going through his own personal hell wondering why etc. His gut is likely panging him as believe it or not Men have an intuition too when things aren't adding up.

[Celestial23]

My friend says it's not fair to continue the relationship and not tell him so it's best to break up, but I don't need to tell him about the dude part. I could bring up the 3 page 1500 word note I wrote on why it would be best we weren't together anymore and spare him the pain. And I know I have a lot of growing up to do and I'm emotionally immature...I have only been in a few relationships...This one is almost 4 yrs and the longest before that was just 4 months.

 

He's a great guy, he really is, but if I am feeling this way now how will it be when we get married? I think I should just let him go (face it, I doesn't deserve him, I already feel awful for what I did) But he could live without knowing the full reason.

 

I am not lying when I am saying (as much as I don't want to be alone but it would be un fair to him to continue the relationship and pretend like nothing happened just so I wont feel lonely)

 

The 1st 2.5 yrs we were together cheating was something I was dead against, I didn't even THINK of another man and I smited all cheaters. Now I'm on the other side of the spectrum...I can def see why it happens, but it does NOT feel good, I am not without guilt.

 

I feel like the best thing for me could be to be single for awhile and figure out what I want in life, learn to love myself and grow from this experience. Develop some more emotional maturity (like you said I obviously lack, trust me I know) and work on myself before I become committed again with someone.

 

Throw myself into my studies, continue my internship, and get a career started by the summer and just worry about staying busy and when a relationship is ready to happen, it will happen. But considering I've never really understood myself or stood on my own two feet (literally one relationship to another) I feel this is best for me, and him.

[EgoJoe]

Your friend is wrong about not telling him. Your friend is also wrong about happiness because passion, happiness and excitement in a long term relationship TAKE WORK ON BOTH SIDES.

 

You say you "told" him but you didn't have a conversation, it sounds like you may have been talking at your Ex and it is hard to listen to someone who is talking AT you. If you had really tried you would not have pulled the space BS, fooled around with another dude and made excuses for your behavior.

 

If you had tried you might have tried to spark something but you took the easy way out and you need to come to terms with that because if you go down this road of justification, rationalization and intellectualization you will begin to lose sight of the facts.

 

You cheated, you lied, you made excuses and you told everyone but your BF what the real problem and issue was.

[Capricorn3]

The point is, nothing really matters but the fact that you say you "STILL have feelings for the other guy". THAT is the point. THAT is what really matters. it means that you are no longer into your boyfriend. You no longer feel the same way about him. You are not happy in the relationship anyway, so what's the point of staying with him?

 

It all comes back to square one: Break up and tell him the truth. It's up to him what he wants to do about it.

[EgoJoe]

My friend says it's not fair to continue the relationship and not tell him so it's best to break up, but I don't need to tell him about the dude part. I could bring up the 3 page 1500 word note I wrote on why it would be best we weren't together anymore and spare him the pain.

 

You are obviously not wanting to tell the truth, you are only thinking of yourself and he deserves to know so that he can formulate a comprehensive opinion so that he knows whether or not to ever talk to you again.

[EgoJoe]

Let me level with you OP. My Ex tried to pull something similar on me and I was not fooled. The truth eventually comes out.

[Capricorn3]

My friend says it's not fair to continue the relationship and not tell him so it's best to break up, but I don't need to tell him about the dude part. I could bring up the 3 page 1500 word note I wrote on why it would be best we weren't together anymore and spare him the pain.

In other words more lies?? Where do you draw the line? Would you like to be treated this way? Remember, it almost always catches up on you. Karma?

[EgoJoe]

Trying to reason with a young girl fueled by emotions is like talking to a conservative about evolution. I don't know why I bothered. Do what you're gunna do OP or keep searching for the advice you want to hear.

 

If I knew your Ex-BF, I'd tell him.

[Celestial23]

I broke up with him, either way it's done. And I've already got the karma, the other guy totally used me so it's even and I will be alone for awhile now...

[Capricorn3]

Wow, that was quick! Did you phone him? What did you tell him?

[Celestial23]

I told him everything but the other guy, he really didn't need to get even more hurt. He was hurt enough and angry enough as is. We won't be getting back together, he already made it clear he won't be seeing me or talking to me ever again, so why add fuel to the flame and hurt him further?? I want him to be able to move on and not feel crappier than he already did.

 

I at least owed him the respect to break up with him, I couldn't continue a relationship without at least telling him (which would end even worse and still not get back together) or break it off and not tell him the full reason.(still didn't end on a happy note, let's be friends)

 

The pain I feel from being used by the other guy (he obviously carried the charm and caring for me that long just to get in my pants, although I am suprised he didn't want to do it on a regular basis) Either way, I know what it feels like to be used and I welcome the feeling because I deserve it.

 

Either way, I don't want to be dating for awhile. I just want to widen my social group and get some more girl friends...I'm done with men for awhile, I need to be alone.

[Capricorn3]

The only good thing about all of this is that you use this as a learning experience and not make the same mistakes in the future. Having a break from relationships is a good idea at this point. Make sure you drop the other guy as well - he showed you his true character.

[duke nukem]

This story is just tragic to read...

[Celestial23]

Trust me I know, I want nothing to do with that other guy, I mean he won't even talk to me. The last text I sent to him was, "I guess it is befitting to be used by the guy that caused me to end my relationship"(although there were other reasons) Whenever I think about it I feel like I have to throw up...But this is a learning experience...

 

Three things I have learned:

 

1.)NEVER cheat again. No matter what.

 

2.) No more long distance relationships.

 

3.) Don't sleep with a guy unless it starts to get serious and there are pretty clear signs of showing.

[duke nukem]

I don't understand what makes long distance relationships so damn difficult for everyone? Do we need the person by us 24/7 to remind us to love them? If that's the case then it clearly isn't love.

[Celestial23]

Well I thought that the first 2.5 years we were together, yeah the distance was hard but at the same time I didn't even think about another guy.

 

But my friend says we should have broken up last summer, she was around us so she could see that we were drifting apart. I did actually sit him down and say how I was feeling about the passion, can we please work on it together, or maybe take a break?

 

he did say he would be traveling all around the world for his career which means it really is for the best, he was expecting me to drop everything my career and everything to follow him around.

 

One thing is for sure I won't be hooking up with any guys. Getting with that guy was because I was very vulnerable, it won't happen again. I usually can't do much of anything outside of a relationship...If I do I generally end up getting attached.

 

Is there a way to fix that? Or maybe that's why I need to be single and work on myself for awhile.

[EgoJoe]

I shook my head at your comments about how you've gotten your karma. You're making a matyr of yourself to excuse your actions. Trust me when I say your Ex-BF will find out sooner than later.

 

You did wrong and got burnt by a guy who used you and so all is fair? With this line of reasoning I predict more pain, confusion and heartbreak in your future.

 

What is done is done but if you tell the truth atleast you might be able to hold your head high that in the face of adversity and shame you carried yourself with integrity after mocking, devalueing and spitting on your entire relationship with your Ex which would probably cause one to question if you ever cared for him in the first place. If you can't tell the truth then you have nothing in this world. Billions of dollars can not hide the deficit of soul carried within a life of dishonesty.

 

I am retiring from this thread now.

[Celestial23]

I'm not denying what I did by any means, I know I did wrong. I know I am a horrible person and feel ashamed. That isn't going to go away. I will just have to learn from my mistakes and move on, I never said that I had forgiven myself and think it's justified by any means. I am not spitting on my relationship with him, I think what we had was great and he helped me in more ways than I could thank him. I cried the whole time I was telling him and he truly was the only man I ever really loved. I will NEVER forget my first true love, never. Forgiving myself for what happened is going to take some time though. He is a great guy and I really hope he gets everything he deserves in life, he is very bright and I know he will have a terrific life ahead of him. I do feel sad that I won't get to talk to him anymore, but it needed to be done as much as it hurt. And of course I cared for him, I cared for him more than anything and just writing this has me sobbing again. I will miss him there is no doubt, he was a huge part of my life and I will miss him very much. He was the best guy I ever knew and I made sure he knew that. I am going to be honest here on out, with everything. I know it would never happen, but if he were to take me back I would give everything I could into the relationship and never slip up again. But I know that can't happen...