It really hurts, even if you are the dumper

[purple_monster]

A quick recap:

- Mid twenties, broke up with my boyfriend around a month ago, we'd been together for a few years.

- The last year of that was long distance, he was planning to move out here, I broke up with him a month before he was going to move.

- We'd had lots of issues, partly due to his lack of time for me, communication, commitmentphobia on both ends, etc etc etc, compounded by the fact that we were far apart.

- Breakup took place over the phone. We've barely talked since then, mostly because I have been avoiding him on the phone and online.

- He's coming out here next week so we can talk in person, and swap stuff.

 

These past few weeks of NC were really good for me. I've been going out a lot, meeting new people, bonding with my friends, and getting a perspective on things. I've always had this itch to be single, and now that I'm scratching it, it's even better than I expected. I can sort of imagine a time in the future though, when I get tired of it and am ready to settle down again.

 

Having distance from our relationship makes me understand better what I loved about him and what went wrong, and I feel more and more like it is fixable. On the other hand, I know I don't want to get back together with him right now -- like I said, being single is fun for me. I'm really enjoying life right now, I just really, really, really miss him whenever I think about him.

 

I'm so torn these days. I'm trying so hard not to pull him along and get his hopes up -- that's why I'm basically not talking to him. But I don't want him to think that I hate him, which is sort of how I left things -- I was really angry during the breakup. I have a better understanding of what went wrong, and I want to share that with him -- but only if he wants to know.

 

i've accepted the risk that he is not there when I am ready to try again in a year or so.

 

What I am really afraid of, is hurting him more than necessary, and of him thinking that I really hate him -- when in truth, I love him more than anything but cannot have a relationship with him right now. But you can't really tell someone that.

 

There seem to be a good number of you out there who are in my situation, or on the flip side of it, where someone wants to break up for a while but still get back together after a long while. I've been combing the past discussions for your stories, but I would really like to hear more. Or even have you point me to a previous post about your story. I feel like I want to learn as much as I can about what this looks like from both sides.

 

And, I apologize to everyone who is in my boyfriend's shoes, on behalf of their significant other, because I know it really, really, really sucks.

[SilverSurfer]

What I am really afraid of, is hurting him more than necessary, and of him thinking that I really hate him -- when in truth, I love him more than anything but cannot have a relationship with him right now. But you can't really tell someone that.

 

I believe that you should communicate this to him. He should know the reasons for breaking up, and should he decide to, take steps to address these issues. Having been together for a few years, I think the both of you should be able to sensibly talk this out.

 

My situation is somewhat similar to yours; I (painfully!) left my ex after 8 months because I could no longer tolerate her emotionally and verbally abusive behaviour. I didn't see a chance for a new relationship immediately but I hold on to the chance that we could get together again some time in the future. Some of my friends (wrongly) reckon i'm just being open-ended here; it's easier to say that I've left the door open and not sound too bitter. I do not know if this will happen; there are just so many issues between the both of us. I'm trying my best to solve my share and I'm hoping she's thinking about hers -- I've kept up NC for the past 3 months.

[purple_monster]

Thanks silversurfer. I'm hoping we'll have a good talk when he comes out here, without falling back into the relationship.

 

Best of luck with yours..

[Openminded]

Dont want to be mean, but i strongly believe that this is what my woman is going to do to me. You know what im going to tell her if she does..."go take a flying leap". If I am not important enough to you to stop you from walking away for just some fun...then you are obviously not worth wasting my time over. Id put my girlfriend/wife ahead of almost everything, and if she isnt willing to do the same then she wont be my gf/wife anymore.

[purple_monster]

Openminded -- sometimes 'having fun' is really a necessary self-discovery step. At least it is for me. Some people can't accept that the grass isn't greener until they actually go look at it..

 

I just talked to my ex on the phone. We had a really lovely conversation and caught up on what was going on. He assured me that he wasn't visiting to try to convince me to get back together with him. It got a little sad towards the end, when he didn't really want to get off the phone with me and got all quiet.

[caveat]

You have accepted the risk, but are you willing to pay the consequences? I know that the answer today is yes, but I will bet you $100 that your answer at some point down the road will be entirely different.

 

The funny things is even though I'm in the same situation as your ex, I can respect your decision and understand why you are doing it. That you are focusing on not hurting him (in terms of how you will conduct yourself when he is with you (and don't you cave, don't get intimate with him)) rather than focusing on protecting yourself is somewhat admirable (hey, I'm a recent victim of the same dynamic...don't expect a whole lot of sympathy from me!).

 

Don't give him hope. Don't tell him that you think things are fixable and that there might be a future for the two of you. Even if delivered with the best of intentions and 100% sincerity it would be a total contradiction of what you profess to be your primary goal: not hurting him more than necessary. The 'necessary' amount of hurt equals letting him know that its OVER. Period. Letting him know that there may be a chance for the two of you at some further point down the road would be cruel and selfish as it would give him something to hold on to, something which would detract him from what he will need to do, that is, moving on.

 

You may draw some criticism from some of the audience here, but don't count me amongst them. The insight you bring from the opposite side of the table is invaluable and people need to hear it, regardless of how frustrating it may be to hear. I know what you are feeling is very real and while it may be selfish (and I will be the first to admit that there are times in your life where selfishness is a necessity, provided that its delivered in well measured and deserved doses) it also a fact of life and maturity. I for one, value hearing it without any dilution.

 

That being said...you suck! Okay, whew, got that out of my system. Heartbreak is a b!tch and the dumpers surely have the upper hand...but in situations such as yours (and mine), only in the short term. Regret may take awhile to kick in, but it lasts longer than heartbreak.

 

Thank you for your honest post.

 

Caveat

[purple_monster]

Caveat -- I really appreciate your reply. And I know I suck -- it makes it 100x harder that I know I am doing something that is really hurting someone I really love.

 

The one thing I do want to address when my ex and I talk about this though -- and caveat, I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this -- is that this is not completely his fault. Now that I'm far enough away from it that i'm not angry about it, I can be reasonable and think about things fairly, but at the time of the breakup, I was really, really angry about the state of our relationship. I'd felt like I'd sacrificed for over a year in supporting his various endeavors and gotten very little in return, and was being taken for granted. But in retrospect that was just what brought me to the point where I could think about letting go and being single, and now fixing those problems before wouldn't make me want to go back. And of course, I played a role in those problems when I didn't communicate my feelings effectively.

 

That felt a little rambly. Basically I want to tell him it's not his fault, but now I've moved on. in any case, I'm really looking forward to seeing him again, but I'll try to keep my guard up -- but it's going to be hard. It's very hard for me to assume I know what's best for him, though -- if he wants to do it the hard way, how hard do I fight him?

[savannahohsavannah]

I don't think you suck. I was in a different spot from you, but made basically the same decisions. Once you realize that you still love someone but that some things are unlikely to be fixable in the immediate future, it calls for some fun, doesn't it? I look at it as getting the balance back in my life. The truth is that most dating situations are temporary. And sometimes NC is the only way to get the healing process under way. I applaud your actions and think you should give yourself a break. You do seem to still care about this fella, but that doesn't mean that a relationship with him right now will work.

Savannah

[purple_monster]

Thanks savannah.

 

Once you realize that you still love someone but that some things are unlikely to be fixable in the immediate future, it calls for some fun, doesn't it?

 

That's pretty much exactly it. I'd like to hear more about how you came to that decision and how it turned out. If you posted about it here, can you point me to them?[/code]

[Jake212]

Please dont think I'm getting all over you about this, I do respect the way you addressed things with your break-up.

 

I'm the dumpee, and still filled with hurt, resentment and anger after 3 months. My ex dumped me for the same reasons you dumped your boyfriend and all I can say is I will never forget the hurt he did to me because he wanted to be "single", it wasnt about being alone and single, (that was a cop out) it comes down to you dont want that person around!

 

I understand his reasons, but he made it clear that I wasnt good enough to be in a realationship with him, he said he still loved me and cared for me, but what it comes down to is you dumped a guy because you dont want them around. You want to find someone else and when that dosent happen you got a fail safe, go back to the ex.

 

I think you have done well in dealing with your feelings and respecting his, and maybe he understands. I dont think its fair to him to expect him to be around when and if you want him back, actually you probably should let him go, your either with him or not. What if you meet someone else, then you dont want to be alone? When your ready to not be alone do you want him back or someone different? By breaking up with him basically said to him he is not right for you in a relationship so breaking up with him to be single dosent make that much sense. You broke up with him because you dont want him.

 

This is my veiw from the other end. I just dont buy the "single" thing.

[caveat]

Once you realize that you still love someone but that some things are unlikely to be fixable in the immediate future, it calls for some fun, doesn't it?

 

That's pretty much exactly it."

 

No, that is not exactly IT, its exactly selfish. And as I said before, I think that when it comes to living one's life a healthy dose of selfishness is a necessity, but don't lull yourself into coloring it any differently. Accept it for what it is, do not drag anyone else into your decision unnecessarily, and assume full responsibility for the consequences of your decision.

 

Most importantly, realize just how flawed the above quote is when it comes time to step back into a committed relationship. When things are "unlikely to be fixable in the immediate future, it calls for some fun"? That quote sends shivers up my spine because its indicative of someone who is willing to punch out when the going gets tough, opting instead to take the easy route for the sake of some short term fun.

 

Some things may not be fixable in the immediate future but doing long term damage during that time which cannot be undone if/when things become fixable seems to be a very short sighted and immature (and there is nothing wrong with that...maturity takes time and there is no need to rush into it) way of looking at things.

 

I'm 7 months into a situation very similar to yours and yeah it sucks, but she is your age while I am 32...I had my fun (and am still having it) and she deserves and needs to have her single experience (we met when she was 18...long story, if interested read a few of my earliest posts).

 

Like you, she really, really, really misses me (she surfaced about a month ago and made it clear that while she really misses me and thinks that she is making the mistake of a lifetime she needs to do this) and I'm guessing that you are having a harder time letting go than you are letting on. I'm guessing that you are starting to really think that you may be making a decision that will come back to haunt you with regret down the road and that you are hoping to find some means of reassuring yourself that there is a way to balance (1) maintaining hope that reconciliation is a possibility down the road with (2) completely cutting him free. No such balance exists. If I'm off the mark, my apologies.

 

If I'm not, then realize Pandora's box has been opened and you now have to follow through until you are no longer conflicted. Like I told my ex, I wouldn't take her back right now even if she wanted to come back. She isn't ready. And you don't seem to be either. So go. And don't look back, and give him the clarity that he needs to close this chapter.

 

Why do you feel so compelled to tell him that its not his fault? Fault is a far second to clarity in terms of importance at this point Clarity is what he needs and if you follow through with your intended approach I think he will get all the clarity he needs. But don't waver and don't even think about getting intimate with him 'one last time'. In fact I would recommend against spending the entire week with him and letting him stay at your place. Regardless of the intention, I think you are creating a scenario that will only make creating distance between the two of you that much harder...for both of you.

 

In many ways I wish I had the capacity to hate my ex for making the decision she has made. It would make moving on that much easier. But I don't. I can't. However, if she continued to pop in and out of my life and push her confusion onto me, taking away from my ability to progress on my own, I could quickly learn to pity and detest her. Don't allow selfishness and confusion to encroach on another person's need to move on.

 

Her telling me that its not my fault (i.e. 'its me not you') only makes it more frustrating. Be prepared for that frustration...if he is anything like me, your acknowledgement of his lack of fault will not make him feel any better.

 

If he wants to do it the hard way, be resolute. Don't hedge, don't qualify, don't compromise. If you are set on moving on, end it decisively. Don't leave room for hope. If killing the hope translates into him hating you for it, give him his hate as much as it may hurt you.

 

Caveat

[purple_monster]

That quote sends shivers up my spine because its indicative of someone who is willing to punch out when the going gets tough, opting instead to take the easy route for the sake of some short term fun.

 

It really takes two to work things out. I basically decided that I was not willing to do the work of two people -- I think that the amount of work that we have to do to fix our relationship is, say, X, but he thinks that we only have to do X-Y to fix things, where Y is not insignificant.

 

In less abstract terms, he was basically like "If I move there to be with you, and we're in the same place, everything will be better." I'm unconvinced, but I do admit that I could have done more to explain that to him before I got too upset to continue. The final straw for the breakup was when he said "My job will keep me swamped with work until November." I was like fine. If you don't want to do the work, we're not going to have this relationship. Just so you know -- I'm not the only one playing the selfish card. I know he loves me, but he thought he could put me on the back burner while he pursued his career(s), and after a year of it, I decided that wasn't cool.

 

Why do you feel so compelled to tell him that its not his fault?

 

Because I was really angry when I broke up with him. I threw all the rage at him that had been stewing for the past few months, when I tried to send distress signals that our relationship was headed for an iceberg and he tried to bandage the problem. Basically my message was (in nicer words): If you hadn't been such a moron for the past year and hadn't treated me like crap and neglected me and taken me for granted over that time, we could still be together now. Just typing this makes me angry again -- I've pretty much spent the last few weeks of NC trying to not be angry.

 

When I'm not angry I can see it in a better light, that's it's not his fault that we broke up, but my decision to follow a different path. And that's what I want to share with him, so he doesn't think it's totally his fault that we broke up.

 

Basically, I know that being single is really a consolation prize in this game -- we had a really good couple years before everything went downhill. But I sort of have to love the consolation prize as much as possible, there's not really any other way to do it and stay sane.

 

But don't waver and don't even think about getting intimate with him 'one last time'. In fact I would recommend against spending the entire week with him and letting him stay at your place.

 

It wasn't my idea -- I was hoping for a 2 day trip, and I've already given him a warning that there's no way he can convince me to get back together with him. He'll be on the couch. I'm going to avoid going on any dates while he's around, though.

 

My ex dumped me for the same reasons you dumped your boyfriend and all I can say is I will never forget the hurt he did to me because he wanted to be "single", it wasnt about being alone and single, (that was a cop out) it comes down to you dont want that person around!

 

So the thing is, I've played the single card before previously in our relationship. I didn't get very far away before he pleaded with me and I agreed to give it another go. It was different then -- there was nothing really wrong with the relationship, I just wanted to leave. This feels very different -- but judging from the responses I'm getting here, maybe it's not.

[caveat]

It really takes two to work things out. I basically decided that I was not willing to do the work of two people -- I think that the amount of work that we have to do to fix our relationship is, say, X, but he thinks that we only have to do X-Y to fix things, where Y is not insignificant.

 

So true.

 

And guess what? Though the age-gap and long distance played a huge part in the breakup I definitely contributed by not putting in as much work into the relationship as I should have. My work consumed me and she worked much harder at the relationship than I did, constantly driving the 3+ hours to see me, calling me constantly, etc. Not to say that I didn't try to support the relationship, but I could have done better, I could have done more. But I didn't . I was that moron who took her for granted...and I lost her.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. It took having my heart ripped out to figure out what I was doing so wrong. Perhaps he needs a similar experience to make him realize how valuable a person's love really is.

 

If I came accross as too condemning or judgemental I apologize. Though its been 7 months its still difficult to wade through these issues without some of the old pain surfacing.

 

Caveat

[purple_monster]

If I came accross as too condemning or judgemental I apologize

 

Not at all. I think it's what I needed to hear. All of this back-and-forth is going to help me figure out what I'm really thinking.

[purple_monster]

A little update on how the visit went:

 

So he visited, the first night was horribly awkward and we decided it would be better for him to stay elsewhere. We hung out a couple days later, had a sad conversation, chilled out at my place and ended up in bed -- but only after i had finished hashing out all my worries and he said 'let me take care of myself'.

 

it was fun, and then the next morning i sent him on his way, with the understanding that contact would be nonexistent for quite a while, but we'd be amicable and drop in and say hello when we were in each other's cities.

 

That chapter of my life has officially concluded.

[Michael2]

Finally, a post well written and argued. It is a rare find on these boards sometimes.

 

Caveat has some great insight on these boards, it was nice to read your thoughts again man.

 

Sometimes things are best left in the past. I am a firm believer that some things in life are not meant to be. No matter the love, no matter the bond, certain circumstances will not allow two people to come together for eternity. It all comes down to TIMING. It comes down to things we can not control.

 

It's no guarantee, but if Caveat,Purple and myself, had met our past SO during a different phase in our lives, I believe the outcome would have been different. That is the difficult part of the breakup. Realizing what we have lost ( and what could have been), it doesnt matter which side of the equation you are on, the pain is still there.

 

Its been a few months for me since last speaking with my ex, except for her appearance at work. I am even seeing someone else currently, but the thoughts of the ex still linger. I pray , and with time on our side, we will all one day over come this.

 

Im am still trying to come to the realization the relationship is over. Its hard, and at times it can bring me to tears. But, my sadness has turned to anger towards what she has done. The fact that we will not be together, even though we could very well have been, is bringing me to resent her. I guess once the anger subsides, I will one day forgive. The scary part is, she will be moving here, and I KNOW I will run into her. That is the hard part. I can preach all day long till my fingers go numb on these boards. I can plan out what to say if I ever see her again. BUt the moment my eyes see her in person, my heart sinks, my head goes blank, and all the loving memories flood back in. I want to tell her the pain she caused, I want to tell her she will never have me again, and that she will one day realize the mistake she has made. But she is extremely self absorbed, ego tistical and selfish. God only knows what she is thinking.

 

Thinking and doing are two completely different concepts.

 

Take care.

[kipster]

I haven't posted in a while, so bare with me if I have alittle 'ring' rust for those in this rather well argued, well conceived, and NECESSARY thread that at least (although I don't agree with it) provides two perspectives that need to be understood. Like caveat, I was that guy that was the dumpee in a 7+ year relationship, but after roughly 6 months of healing I'm doing much better and I think I can at least provide some insights from my sitch that may help others on both sides. Well, purple, I can't say I empathize with you on this one, honestly, though you're entitled to do what you want and I must say at 24 I can at least entertain the 'need' to be single before making a life long committment.

 

I met my Ex-fiancee at 21 after she'd been in a 2 year relationship prior (2 month layover between him and me), so in essense she never had the 'single-experience' (which I guess she now has). The odd part about it is neither did I, yet given my family values and sense of responsibility, I never needed it. I'm a one woman/one man type of guy and I don't need to go to clubs and chit-chat with friends (even in my early 20's) to know a good thing when I see it. Committment is not an issue for me and I'm not one that needs to 'SEE' that the grass isn't greener to know it is. It's funny that we tend to use this logic in the realm of relationships, but shy away from it in other venues (i.e., no one has to see/feel that being SHOT hurts, to understand that it does cause pain.). Anyways, I was that guy that was aloof, worked two jobs, wasn't the most affectionate guy in the world--I'll admit, and did take my ex for granted. But for those self-admitted flaws, I can say that I was loyal, intelligent, and loved my ex-deeply despite not always showing it. So naturally, with everyone there's a tradeoff.

 

My ex, earlier this year pulled what you pulled on your EX, pulling the "I have doubts" card and even giving back an engagement ring that she had been the impetus on having me purchase after about 5 years of being in a committed relationship. Then after she gets it, in 2 years its a done deal. Of course I was devastated, who wouldn't be, especially since in 95% of the relationships I've been in I've been the dumper, but never have I been in a marriage situation. Her gripes with me were ALMOST IDENTICAL to the one's that you've given for your ex, which is comical to me in some respects, given that women claim they want a guy to be productive and a good provider then when he pursues that you despise him for not having TIME for you. Now I know there's a balance, of course, but its not like your guy was some deadbeat, which is probably what 90% of those guys you meet at the clubs and in dating will end up being. LOL. Only after one thing, yet they know exactly what to say to you since they've 'been there and done that'. Hell, after a few weeks you'll know most of them by name, its the same people every week. Sure its an ego stroke and sure its fun in the beginning, loud music, everyone dressed in their best, drinking and guys giving you mounds of attention, but sweetie, at the END OF THE DAY...what do you really have? Could anyone of those guys be MR. Right? Or are they simply MR. RIGHT NOW?

 

Its just amazing to me to see how many people will jettison the known for the unknown, even when these individuals know they MAY BE MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF THEIR LIFE. Funny stuff. You wouldn't take that kind of risk on the stock market, yet you take it with your heart. Comical indeed. Then you'll be the same person later (predictably) claiming that there are no good men/women when you already had one but you blocked your blessing because you were unwilling to work on a relationship. They all take work, by definition, they require maintenance. Yet people forget that and think that if the relationship doesn't go 100% right that its terrible and they bail. But like I said, 24 is relatively young so I'll temper these statments a bit by saying that just think about what you're really doing and whether its really worth it.

 

Relationships get rocky, but its funny how when people get older and really think about it, how quickly they are able to have hindsight and see that the 'problems' they really had were so minor and could have easily been worked out if they communicated. For instance, in my sitch my EX would never tell me what bothered her, she'd only get mad and then say something ridiculous like 'you should know', as if to say well if you really 'knew me' you'd know what I'm mad about. So that's another strike against a guy, that he's not a mind reader, which to be honest, only comes from males having close (but plutonic) female friends that can TEACH them how to really treat a woman since most men aren't taught that. The only problem is, by the time he learns you've given up on him and he then applies his lesson to the next woman and when you decide he was the best thing you've ever had, you're too late and you end up settling or perhaps getting lucky and meeting that right person, which from accounts I've heard and divorce rates in the US, seems FAR LESS likely.

 

So I'd say purple, that this 'liberation' or 'freedom' or 'consolation prize' that you speak of seems fun now. And it should, especially if you felt locked into a relationship and depressed and neglected. But remember time heals all wounds and provides valuable perspective. I've found this out going from a guy that was devastated when my EX broke up to me to a guy that hasn't talked to her in months and is still living and breathing and I won't be initiating contact with her in the future if left to me. Would I take her back? Can't say. Initially the answer was NO! Especially if she even dated another guy, but I've since realized that that's only my own insecurities talking. I've since briefly dated another woman, that S*it didn't work, but he'll it was worth a try--especially since she was far more beautiful and attractive than my ex. But she wasn't 'READY' either, so even this georgeous girl didn't fit the bill--although I wouldn't have been mad if she did . And I assume my Ex is dating as well. Hell why else does a person leave? You've said as much above in terms of dating others with the renewed freedom you feel. But I honestly can't say whether I'd take her back or not. That's for the Man above to decide and not me (I guess that's where the maturity and humbleness a dumpee gains is invaluable). But I do know this, if I were to do so and it was in His plan, then I would imagine that she'd have to be willing to show me (forget telling me, I've heard it all before) that's where her heart was. Not kissing my feet or being vengeful/spiteful, that's immature, but stepping out of her comfort zone and showing me that not only did she make a misake but that she can admit it and be willing to work toward gaining and building on what we had before. No small order I admit. But a woman who truly loved me would be up for the challenge. If I were the dumper and wanted back in, I'd expect nothing less in terms of the road ahead of me.

 

But I won't hold my breath for that call, since I know its never coming (she has called my family periodically, even sent a b-day card--which I never opened, but still can only see 'friendship' in our future, which unfortunately doesn't work for me, so I've given up long ago on us). I have zero expectations for her and I, and any future, and I don't need her to re-assure me of that. I've already re-assured myself. That's something she'll have to deal with at some point and I wish her the best of luck. She's a good person and she deserves someone good as do you purple. I hope you find that person and I hope she does as well, because casting aside the known for the unknown is risky business. An investment, I'm certainly not willing to make. When I find the right one, I certainly won't have to leave her to know that she could perhaps be the one. But to each his own.

 

Sorry for the length (but its been a while since I've posted) and I in no way meant for this to be an attack in any way (I just wanted to be honest),

 

Kip

[caveat]

I read many of your earlier posts, Kipster. You have come a LONG ways. Congratulations.

 

Caveat

[kipster]

I read many of your earlier posts, Kipster. You have come a LONG ways. Congratulations.

 

Caveat

 

Thanks my friend. But time has an amazing effect on people. I still have my days, but I'm human. But I don't feel the need to contact her anymore which is a major achievement for me, but it did come at a cost, in terms of healing time. In the end though it was her decision and that's something that she'll eventually have to ponder. All the power to her.

 

Kip

[BBBbabygirl29]

I'm goign through the same thing but my ex lives 3 houses down from me and we are still really close and he told me he still loves me and everything and i stilll love him but the thing is that he is goign out with one of my friends bcuz he wanted to get back at me but he told me he doesn't like her at all that she is a lil witch but do i do he huges me and kisses me and we hold hands and i can't tell my friend so should i get back together with him or wait andn just keep doing what i am doing

 

 

 

and what you can do is talk it out with him and seee if you still have feelings foreach other adn if you do see what each of you want to do

[DragonGirl724]

wow hun u wanted to see how things were on both aspects huh...well here it is!!!

 

my ex broke up w/ me 7months ago for the reasons u broke up w/ urs...he needs to do self exploration, be single for he had 2 gfs b4 me stretchin for the past 7 yrs of his life & then met me & from day 1 he said 'i love u but i wish i met u a cpl yrs down the line i hope i dont hurt u etc..' i didnt see how badly he really meant that. he was faced w/ a lot of pressures w/ his parents/his future/football career-school, work etc...& i became very overwhelming & obsessive the last month together b/c i knew he was on his way out & we faught a lot then. he said this is sumthin he has to do but its really hard, & he cant have a GF right now he has things to settle w/ himself, future,career, wat he truly wants, time alone...& i didnt understand at first i thought it was sumthin I DID. but i see now that it wasnt really. tho i did appologize for any excess pressure & aggravasion i bestowed upon him in a hand written letter. my ex told me that when hes ready & grown up whenever that may be im gonna be the girl he wants to marry, if im still around so to speak...i dont think he feels that way anymore tho, but one can only hope. u know how much u crushed ur ex. but ur happy livin life the way u want right now. he jus blocked me like 3-4weeks ago but i checked from a diff name & his aim profile said one day 'finding myself....doesnt it always seem to go u dont know what u got til its gone' & "people have to grow up..." now it says 'livin life the way i want' i seccretly watch his steps hes takin in life i guess, not b/c im stalker but bc it hurts me to see if hes unhappy. i understand now he needs this time alone. & maybe one day he will love me again...& treat me as i treated him. if ur ex is understanding he can see thru this unbarable pain & still love u the same. i know i do & thats what real unconditional love is all about. i wrote a poem u may like to read...i will not send this to my ex but i wrote for myself really.

 

Just the Same...

 

"If you ever read this,

though I know you won't...

If you ever think I hate you,

know deep down I don't...

 

If you ever miss me,

if you ever dare,

never fear coming back,

to the one who truly cares...

 

I'd forgive you for the heartache,

I'd forgive you for the pain,

I would be content,

just with the happiness you gained...

 

I will never hold a grudge,

I will never play that game,

there will never be a day,

that I won't love you just the same..."

 

-jen

 

9/2004

 

 

i hope ur ex can see u this way even thru all the indescribable pain he is goin thru. i knew the internal turmoil he was faced with & i wrote him an email for which he blocked me a day or so later...& i cant speak for you but my ex also had some insecurities due to the fact he didnt know what he was all about & what makes him happy in life. its quite sad actually & it broke my heart hencing why i wrote this to him...

 

david,

 

i was hesitant about sending this a few days ago, but whatever, it does me no good it sitting in my inbox...i may be out of line giving you this, im probably the last person you want to speak to but i wanted you to know that i understand youre goin through some S*** right now & i want YOU to know that i have complete faith in you, & youre stronger than any problem that may come your way. everyone at one point or another in their life needs time for themselves to do some soul searching, just never give up on yourself. for the saddest thing in life is wasted talent. a man once told me: "I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen from a bough and never felt sorry for itself." great words to live by. (

 

reguardless of what other people say, remember to always follow YOUR heart. i cant stress that enough. others can not live life for you, & i told you a million times, whether your life leads to a football stadium or under a hood of a car, just make sure that DAVID is happy & screw everyone else. (

 

if you & i meet up again in life, or even if we never do, i just wanted to make clear that despite any kind of distance we may have, i will be behind you all the way. and its important for you to know that someone really does care about you, to say the least, & prays that God gracefully bestows upon you all of life's beautiful things. never be afraid or hesitant to speak to me. i miss you, & i'll always be open to hear from you. i want you to be safe, be happy & to take care of yourself. believe in yourself david & the peace you'll find will give you a new start.

 

-jen

9-16-04

 

if your ex is understanding enuff about the conflicts youre facing if it truly is an undying unselfish unconditional love he will forgive you & be there for you. i know i have dated others since this breakup & havent found fulfillment in any of them. as hard as i tried & looked. if its meant to be u both will experience this & wind up back in eachothers arms...but remember you can not be with someone & expect happiness if you cant find happiness within yourself. this is something you as well as my ex has to go thru in order to make sure it is real. for he told me that himself, tho i hope i can still believe those words. but as for me everyday that seems to pass i think less & less of that dream ever becoming a reality...i dunno. but i wish u all the best, be honest w/ your ex & i hope u both can find happiness & love again one day. the single life is so superficial & unimportant to me (& probably for you as well in the long run), for i went through all that crap when i was 17 & meanwhile i had a GREATTTT boyfriend that i dumped for it, he had more than any1 can ask for on top of him being physically flawless, but i broke up with him for space/date around...i then dated a loser & i wanted my ex back, but unfortunately i was too late... on what would have been our 1 yr aniversary, he passed away to a drunk driver before i got a chance to ever tell him i truly did love him ...ever since then i learned a tough lesson...never let go of a great person...maybe my case sounds rare, but its really not. it is extreme yes but i learned something & it made this breakup that much more difficult, b/c i wanted to so badly hold onto the man i loved, for i lost a chance with love before, but the man i love had to go...as did you one can only hope now he'll love me once again. i hope it all works out in the best, easiest manner for the both of you...

 

this is a very long post im sorry, but i truly hope you 2 can come to terms & find inner peace with yourselves & be lead back to love once again...

 

goodluck to you & your ex, with everything...keep us posted!

 

-DG724

[clodhopper]

What I am really afraid of, is hurting him more than necessary, and of him thinking that I really hate him -- when in truth, I love him more than anything but cannot have a relationship with him right now. But you can't really tell someone that.

 

This may sound weird, but you CAN tell someone that, however difficult that is for both people.

 

My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and that's what he said to me. He said he loves me more than anything, I'm the most important person in his life, he cares about me very deeply, and I'm the only one he wants to be with. He said he cannot have a relationship right now with me, although if he was going to be with someone, it would be me.

 

It's really hard to hear that because since I know that he still loves me, it's very hard to go on with the healing process. I can't get over him when I know I'm the one he would choose when he didn't want to be single anymore.

 

It's TOUGH... and it's your decision obviously. On one hand, this might make it really hard for him (like me), but at the same time he might appreciate your honesty. I appreciated it, but it's also giving me somewhat of a sense of false hope...

 

I hope this helps!!! good luck.

[DragonGirl724]

not to burst anyones bubble, but my ex told me the same thing...& here i am still broken up 7months later. it may be an easy sugar coated escape route...??

 

-DG724

[Daisy20]

Just wondering if there is anyone out there who's ex told them this same thing and they actually got back together? After reading all these posts I don't remember one that mentioned getting back together. I tend to agree that the whole, "I would like to try it again in the future" is just something to "sugarcoat" it.

[SilverSurfer]

Just wondering if there is anyone out there who's ex told them this same thing and they actually got back together? After reading all these posts I don't remember one that mentioned getting back together. I tend to agree that the whole, "I would like to try it again in the future" is just something to "sugarcoat" it.

 

just like any argument, the lines that are exchanged during a breakup are mostly 'sugar coats'. in some ways, because we want to minimise the hurt, the stuff we say then won't always accurately reflect our feelings... which will also change post-breakup.